Simple, Starving to be Safe

28. ABC. Former serial expat. Political junkie. Retired science nerd. I live for good food, close friendships, and boba milk tea. Figuring out myself and what I really want from life, while at the same time trying to find that someone with "a smile that could light up this whole town".

[jsl009]

Toothbrush 2023.01.07

I gathered my things and stood by the door. He handed me the pink toothbrush that I used when I stayed over.

“Here. I’m just going to throw this away,” he said.

A heavy sadness quickly rushed over me.

We hugged and embraced each other. I didn’t want the moment to end. We kissed. I saw that he was tearing up. He had never shown me that much emotion before. I hugged him again, trying to memorize exactly how it felt. I spoke into his ear.

“This doesn’t mean never. It just means not now. I love you.”

We kissed one last time, and I walked out the door.

When I reached the lobby, I stared into one of the mirrors on the wall. I looked at myself in the eyes.

“You’re gonna be ok. You’re gonna be ok. You’re gonna be ok”

[urhajos]

Light and drawing, Nikita Busyak

[just-call-me-ella]

so I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years now. And I see a lot of posts about how people think relationships mean having butterflies forever, your heart beating faster when they walk into a room, about cuddling together every night, legs intertwined, that you’d be so happy to live together you’d sleep on a double bed with each other every night.

And its not really like that, at least not to me.

You stop getting the butterflies when you live together. Your heart no longer speeds up when you see them, but instead, everything calms down. When youre in the room with them, you feel calm, and secure. When you cuddle them you feel your heart beat slow, and the sound of their breathing carry you towards comfort. It doesnt feel like a roller coaster anymore, it feels like home.

You don’t sleep curled up with each other every night, legs twisted between theirs so tight its hard to tell where yours begin and theirs end.

Instead, you sleep comfortably, side by side, sometimes facing different directions. But every night, you find yourself scooting backwards on the bed so you bump into them. You snuggle against their arm, or stroke their hair as they fall asleep. There are nights when my boyfriend, in his sleep, reaches around me and pulls me to him, like a child with his teddybear, like I am his comfort.

 In the wee hours of the morning before the dawn breaks, when the world is blue and you see through cracked eyes, you curl into their chest and inhale their scent before drifting back to sleep. 

Kisses aren’t always romantic and firey anymore. But there are so much more of them now. There are cold kisses when you’re eating ice cream in the summer, and sticky kisses over breakfast pancakes. There’s “im leaving now” kisses, and “one more kiss before you go” kisses. There’s sleepy morning kisses before work, when you don’t remember the alarm going off but instead the press of their lips against yours is what brings you into the day.

There’s kisses before sleep, and, you are so sweet with the things you do kisses. There’s kisses because you treat animals so tenderly, and I’m so glad i’m with you and not someone else kisses. There’s quick kisses in the aisles of the grocery store, when its loud and you gravitate together, when instead of having your own personal space and their own personal space, its both of yours together, and you step into their chest to take up less area together. 

You don’t always text each other with confessions of love and care like you used to, because that’s a given now, and you’ve moved on to quirky inside jokes about the life youve built together. You share looks of exasperation and amusement in public, your own little world against the outside one. 

Relationships aren’t always a fairy tale. They’re not always fireworks and sparks, at least, after the start.

But they are a quiet rhythm and hum of love and care. It’s not a fire in your soul, but one in your hearth, keeping you warm and comfortable, comforting you as you drowsily drift into sleep.

And I love that.

[jsl009]

2020.01.01

Me: Remember that time at the Metreon?

Him: When we were by the fountain?

Me: Yup. I was laying down, resting my head in your lap.

Him: You said I made you feel safe.

Me: Really? I did?

Him: Yeah, I remember you said that.

(Later)

Me: It’s funny how after so many years it’s still true.

Him: Huh?

Me: You still make me feel safe.

Him: You make me feel safe too.

[7eiix]

..المبادرة بين الطرفين هي أساس بقاء العلاقة..

“The initiative of both parties is the basis for the survival of the relationship”

[jsl009]

4:28am

Shocked, confused, numb. I don’t know what just happened tonight. I didn’t expect to see you. I didn’t expect things to go the way they did. I keep telling myself that I’m going to wake up at any moment and realize this was all a dream. How could that have happened? These were thoughts that have run through my brain countless time, and I never once truly believed that fantasy and reality could be one and the same. I need to let this process. I need some sleep. I need to loosen my grip on this evening and allow myself to rest. Tomorrow is a new day, a day with limitless possibilities. Good night.

[jsl009]

Remind Me

2019.04.07

It's Monday. I'm at my desk at work not fully able to focus, so I start writing. I'm still thinking about yesterday and how exactly to place that experience within my memory. Music tends to help soothe my mood. I've been listening to NAO's latest album, and her song "Orbit" comes on.  

Kind of sad but you remind me, You remind me of a love that I once knew

I received an add request on Instagram a few weeks ago. It was from him. I didn't know what to think of it. A part of me was curious to know how he's been doing. We're not connected on any social media, so I figured what's the harm in adding him?

He messaged me a couple of weeks later. I tried to be as cold as I could be while still being cordial--taking a day to respond, giving minimally detailed responses, etc. I still have a lingering bitterness, but he's making the effort to reach out. At the very least, I can be an adult. He told me he would be in SF for the weekend.

We went back and forth over the course of the next few days and eventually landed on meeting Sunday morning. He picked me up at 9:30a, and we headed to a brunch spot he picked out. Our meal wasn’t awkward. We talked about how our lives had been in the past 4/5 years. This was after all our first real conversation since summer 2014.  

After brunch, we drove to Dolores Park. He had planned to walk around the Castro during the day, so I tagged along. The conversation was relatively light and sprinkled with moments of silence. I caught myself feeling completely content through it all. I was comfortable just being in his presence. As we explored the shops along Castro I saw flashes of the goofy quirks that attracted me to him all those years ago. He mused a purple shirt with a rainbow unicorn wasn’t too gay.

We found our way back to Dolores Park. It was an unusually sunny April day, so we picked a spot on the grass to chill. He sat close next to me as we used my jacket to cover the ground. Every time his arm brushed up against mine I’d feel a tingle rush over. 

It's just you, it's just me, I lost you in dreams, Now I'm falling

As we talked, I realized how guarded he can be. It was a stark contrast to the person I remember spending hours FaceTiming with every day. An hour or so later we ended up in line at Boba Guys. While we waited I said I was surprised that he added me. I asked him why now of all times to reach out. He replied that he felt enough time has passed and wanted to see how I was doing. It didn't seem like that was the full reason. Again guarding himself. He is quite the master of giving enough to seem believable but just shy of the full truth.

When we got to the counter to order, the cashier asked for a name. He immediately replied, "Slu." I laughed and called him out for giving a coffee name when he, in fact, has a very common first name. "No, no, I don't think you really get it," he sarcastically argued and then step by step broke down the obvious portmanteau. So dumb I thought, but it's exactly the type of humor that really gets to me.

Kind of sad but you remind me, You remind me of a love that I once knew

After a stroll through the Mission, we were back in his car one final time. He was playing "Powerslide" by Ryan Beatty. It was an upbeat song that matched the mood of the weather. He explained how the artist was gay and the song was about hooking up. We laughed at all the innuendos woven throughout the lyrics.

I knew our encounter was nearing its end. The sentimental side of me wanted to savor every last minute. With the windows down, wind blowing, and chill music in the air--it embodied a truly California moment. We approached my place and he parked in front. I gave him a hug goodbye. I told him that it was really good catching up and hanging out today. I probably lingered in the passenger seat more than I should have before finally getting out. As I walked to my front door I looked back at him. He was waiting for me to get in. Next thing I hear he's blasting his car stereo and bobbing his head. “What a dork,” I think as I smile to myself.  

An hour later, my phone lit up with a message. "Thanks for walking the city with me, it was great making a new memory with you”

As I write this last paragraph a full week later, things have settled slightly in my mind. I’ve talked with friends and let the thoughts digest. I’m seeing that he's someone I will be attracted to. I can try to fight it or just accept it. Yes, I still have feelings for him, but that doesn't mean I see any kind of future between us. It's an incredibly dangerous line to tread. He's going to have this effect on me. As long as I remind myself that, I can manage it. It's like gravity. Objects in the universe have a measured pull on each other. If they get too close, they collide. But if kept at a distance, the pull will be too weak to bring them together.  

I gravitate to you, I gravitate to you, I gravitate to you, I gravitate to you...

[jsl009]

Ask Away! 🌈

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

8: Are you close with your dad?

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

10: What are you listening to?

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

12: Do you like hickeys?

13: What time do you go to bed?

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

16: Do you always answer your texts?

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

25: In the past week, have you cried?

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

29: Do you have a best friend?

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

32: Are you mad at anyone?

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

35: How many more days until your birthday?

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

42: Are you available?

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

46: Do you regret anything?

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

53: What was the last thing you ate?

54: Did you get any compliments today?

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

62: Who do you text the most?

63: What was the last movie you saw?

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

67: Do you curse around your parents?

68: Are you happy with where you live?

69: Picture of yourself?

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

71: Have you ever been dumped?

72: What do you most like about making out?

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

86: How can I win your heart?

87: What is your astrological sign?

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

89: Do you cook?

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

95: Are you a player?

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

97: Are you a tease?

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

101: Hugs or Kisses?

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

106: Do you flirt a lot?

107: Your last kiss?

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

112: Does someone like you currently?

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.

[jsl009]

Where you go I follow No matter how far If life is a movie Then you're the best part

[marucos]

[jsl009]

Updates 2017.10.10

Wow I haven't done one of these in a really long time. Let's see how much I can get done on my BART ride to work.

Let's start with that. Work is going well. I'm getting a promotion of sorts. I'll soon be taking on double duty and be the EA for our ED as well as my current boss, who's going on maternity in Dec.

Going on my first real work trip in December! I'll be in DC a week for training. Probabaly going to extend my trip too, maybe a short NYC trip. I'm pretty excited but also not looking forward to the cold!

I've been kinda seeing the guy for the past month or so. He's a fun person to hang out with but I just don't feel the chemistry. I know he's into me and I can't lead him on like this. I've been talking to my friend and he's cemented the idea that I need to have a talk with the guy. Ugh I'm so bad at this...

One of my really close friends/ex-tumblrer moved up to SF. We were in a rocky place in our friendship for close to a year but have since smoothed things out. I've never had this before in my life--someone that you talk to every day and also lives a 12 minute drive from you. He's definitely been a big help when I need to sort out my own thoughts.

As of late I've been feeling a bit lost. I don't fully feel like myself anymore. The unbridled hope and optimism that I used to feel as if they made up my bones now seem more like a flicker--the golden snitch that zooms by, leaving behind only a light breeze as evidence it was ever there.

Not sure how what I need to do to find that again. It's the quality I could always count on to be my saving grace and guide me through the beautiful chaos of unpacking life.

I'm off my train and almost ran into a couple folks while trying to type so I guess this is the universe telling me to stop. Until next time…

[jsl009]

ToI 8: Zero-Sum

I find myself here again. I went to see Zedd play this weekend with a big group of friends. What was originally planned to be a moderately wild evening turned into an 8hr marathon of alphabet soup. As the Monday blues come around, I am back in an all too familiar place. 

My day at work was filled with sad emo songs that tends to soothe these moments. I was listening to some new music I downloaded (yes, I still download music), and this line came up.

“I don’t think I'm changing but I don’t feel the same”

That one line resonated with me because it pretty much summed up how I feel about life right now. I don’t understand why exactly I’m feeling like this. There’s a lot of things that are going right in my life. I still love my job. I still feel like I’m making a difference and working on things that will impact my community. 

I should feel happier than ever but I’m not. I look back at when I was living in Australia. I seemed more sociable, more interested in people, and more optimistic. Now I feel tired, jaded, and like I’m going through the motions.  

It reinforces the idea that life is a zero-sum game. Zero-sum can best be described through the familiar quote, “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost,” 

Life isn't supposed to be perfect, and one can never have it all. There’s a balance of sorts. When something falls into place, something else somehow falls apart. 

This is the part where I usually try to wrap up my post with a clever reference to the title or the something in the beginning. I can’t say that I have one of those endings. I don’t know what’s causing this mismatch. I don’t know what’s wrong. All I can do at this point is to let life take its course and have faith that universe conspires in our favor.  

[jsl009]

my bed where you left me tangled up, now it’s noon, in your shirt that you gave me, half asleep wishing i still had you

[jsl009]

On this edition of #ToplessTuesday, didn’t expect this to happen over the long weekend…

[jsl009]

Sunday at Dolores with this one 😜

[jsl009]

Please tell me I wasn’t the only one thinking this! 

[evansmahone]