I Guess I Need To Talk To You?
I had a dream about an ex. Now, I've thought about her a bit these past few weeks as I've been closer to becoming more of a responsible adult, but I haven't had many dreams about her since we broke up. I've had just one about her and her mom, but that didn't really do anything. They were just side characters in whatever nonsense was going through my head at the time, nothing to dwell on. This was different, though. This was something straight from the core. It felt true when I woke up.
I had been kicked out of the apartment for some reason, probably money since that's a huge real world stress right now. I had exhausted all people willing to have me hang around, I was at the end of my rope, and I think as a last ditch effort I decided the best option was to reach out to an ex who I have had absolutely no contact since right out of High School, if my memory is correct. She responds quickly, saying she'd be willing to have me crash on her couch at her parents, so I make my way.
My first night there I'm in her house, which is a perfect representation of her house. Like, when I dream about my own house I can't the room layout right, so I dunno what's going on there. Anyways, I get myself settled on the downstairs couch and I journal about how I felt about this whole situation. For some reason I went off onto how I wish I could have salvaged the relationship I had with the ex, and how I appreciate her letting me stay, and then I fall asleep in the dream. I wake up, do my thing, come back to the ex's place, and open up my journal to find that she's written a note in response to the relationship, all that, asking me to talk about it with her when I read this.
I start writing like crazy, trying to organize my thoughts. Everything that I could possibly want to say I write down. This paper has also become geometrically impossible now, I'm looking at the lined paper as if its a window to endless blue lines, and I'm writing inside the paper. I read it back to myself, organize it a bit better in my head, then head upstairs to her room.
The room, again, a perfect representation to what I remember, except she's not there. I freak, and everything literally crumbles around me until I'm pretty much surrounded by darkness, as edgy as that sounds. Then I woke up.
What the hell does it mean. Like, I woke up, I think I may have done one of those startled screams? I don't like the feeling of being so physically alone, with literally nothing around me, it's incredibly unsettling to me, so it's possible. I just remember it feeling so... true? It really bummed me out, as if this was at thing that I could remember actually happening to me, like when you remember something super embarrassing from your past and you know it's true, but it feels almost dreamlike.
Maybe I'm supposed to talk to her? But fuck that, I don't wanna. That person is gone, figuratively. Well, I guess not really figuratively since her personality is completely changed, but I'm not gonna waste my time to check in and go "Hey, is that rad person from years ago back? I miss her." It's not worth it.
Am I supposed to just reflect on her? Am I supposed to let this simmer around inside? Am I supposed to reach out to her at all? Am I supposed to think about what could have been? I am at a complete loss. This started my day off pretty badly, I haven't really felt anything more than passing for her in awhile, and it's just made me really wonky. I just don't know.
I bet everything is fine, and I just need to put this beside me. I just needed to write about this somewhere, it's been nagging at me all day. I mean, I already feel better.
Hopefully next time I won't post something so personal and angsty! One can always hope!
