I haven’t posted in a long time, but I didn’t know where else to go... I’m reading my psychology homework and it’s going into the core issues and how your past can affect your anxiety in the future and usually we don’t know the root to our issues... (it’s psychoanalytics)
Normally I don’t buy into Freud’s whole spiel, but I found myself just crying and frozen in disbelief, because it’s so evident... and I’ve mentioned it before, but it finally hit home. I know I’m addicted to sex and attention. People kind of laugh when I tell them because, hey, it’s kind of hilarious. I’m a small little girl who loves sex.
But I think I’ve realized it’s because of how traumatic it was loosing my virginity and how fucked up the whole situation was when I started becoming sexually active. I wasn’t ready. I don’t remember the first time I had sex. Everything from that portion of my life is completely wiped out... Gone. Rape is a strong word and it’s being thrown around, but I’m afraid it’s probably the correct terminology for my situation. So, I think I just realized that I’m so sexually active now because I never want to go back to that vulnerable uncertainty that I felt during that period of my life. I was so young and so nervous and angry and confused. Now I’m trying to repress all of that and I’m trying to compensate because my unconscious is screaming with pain. In my adult life, I’m covering up that vulnerability with being overtly confident and seeking out sex.
Now that I’ve kind of came full circle, I don’t know what to do with what I’ve learned about myself... and I’m scared again.
