rainy days make me sad.
hello! it doesnt even make sense for me to type here anymore. after all, the school year has ended, meaning this account meant as a requirement, is to be abandoned. but for some reason, i just felt melancholic and remembered that i had this blog. and im reluctant to let this go. so might as well make it a piggy bank for my cents!
rainy days make me sad. i know this doesnt only apply to me. many people have this feeling i have when the rain pours: sad, lonely, depressed, empty. i think itās due to my body having been conditioned.
because during the school year, when iām sad it mostly rains. when iām stressed, it rains. when i have a fight with my friends, it rains. when i argue with my family, it rains. when i get low scores, it rains. when i feel like dying,
the skies cry with me.
so itās justified; my depressing feelings for when it rains. how i hate the misty cold it brings, with its strong scent and dim sky, i hate it when my chest tightens and i find it difficult to breathe, when i remember stuff of the past that i really should move past on.
itās summer, and itās raining.Ā
and what a coincidence: iām sad, too.
these past two months, i have done nothing but break down a lot. it hurts knowing that no matter how much i cry, speak up, voice out my thoughts, nothing will happen.
for my opinions are invalid.
it hurts knowing that my dreams are invalid for the two who should be supporting them the most. it hurts knowing that for my family, i am nothing but a speck of dust who shouldnāt open its mouth... wait, dusts donāt have mouths. and itās exactly what i feel i am right now lol itās a perfect description.
i hate it. i never went out of my way to be a bad daughter. i never disobeyed them on purpose. i lived my life struggling to meet their expectations. and if i disappoint them? the amount of shame i receive is unbearable.
Ā but if they disappoint you? itās not their fault. instead, itās your fault from expecting from them.
what genius logic.
iām so sick and tired of it.
i feel like dying.
i want to die, actually.
and when they knew that those were my thoughts?
they had the audacity to shame me for these thoughts.
scolding me, telling me that i do not love them enough, and me, thinking these suicidal thoughts are whatĀ ākillsā them.
all right.
fuck you all, then.
it feels so, so constricting,
you canāt even feel sad.
you canāt cry.
you canāt disobey,
because then youāre a bad child.
fuck, really.
everything i do, every step i take every breath that i make, i need to be cautious of their feelings because they areĀ ādepressed and want to die because i am insensitive and do not listen to themā.
okay.
fuck, really.
every decision i make, i think about them. i study hard, i disregard what my heart screams for because i listen to them. my every path is decide by them.
where did i lack? where did i go wrong? is that not listening enough? am i really that mean and worthless when all my life, i gave up for you?
i... never asked to be born.
why do i have to feel this? why do i have to be this sad?
what did i do to deserve this?
iām tired. iām tired of being silenced. iām tired. iām tired. iām tired.
iām so fcking tired.
--
iām sorry. itās raining and i feel like ranting today.
letās hope that i haveĀ next entry lol. letās hope itās a happy entry, and that i am actually able to write another entry.
Ā please make the rain stop.
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