Warnings: Lots of fluff and support, kissing & making out, mentioning of anxieties, low self-esteem, sad character, trigger warning, self doubts
Synopsis: You are having a tough time beacuse of an upcoming event/situation that increases ur stress level to a point were you are left with nothing but anxiety. Luckily, Chrollo can't allow anything to mess you up but him.
Word count: 3021
A/n. : This is my first one shot, hope it's okay! Also I'm from Germany, so english isn't my first language. Sorry, if there are any mistakes ^^
It was hard to breathe as you looked outside the large window. Sitting on your side of the bed you shared with Chrollo, you felt yourself getting lost in the city lights.
The night sky had devoured every last bit of the sun’s light. It was a pretty good picture of how you felt inside. Your arms were wrapped around you, but you had to let go of your figure. It was already too hard to breathe for you and this poor attempt was not doing you any good.
It was suffocating you.
You were suffocating yourself.
Letting go the fabric of your shirt you replaced it with the cool silk of the bed sheets. Clenching the fabric tightly in your fists. The bedroom was silent, nothing to be heard aside from the running water. Chrollo was taking a shower. The rhythmic sound of the falling water made it only easier to fall back into thoughts.
Thoughts that didn’t do you any good. This issue has been around for some time now. Messing with you, sometimes more and sometimes less. When you were with Chrollo however, you forgot it all. But now, even with his presence being only separated by the bathroom door, you couldn’t but stare into the darkness the night was displaying in front of you.
The wish of being devoured by it, growing.
Everything inside your body was rebelling against you. Your own body doing this to you. You couldn’t believe it. Well, actually this wasn’t the first time. You should know yourself better by now. Blaming your body while it is actually just responding to the stress your mind was feeding it with. It was nerve wrecking in a way that it was hard for you to focus on anything else.
This was a massive toxic trade of yours.
Overthinking, over worrying and over sensibility.
All together a dangerous cocktail that you seem to drown often these days. Like an alcoholic you were trying to hide any trace of the battle that waged within you from him.
You hated it so much.
To be honest, you hated yourself for putting you through this. Over and over again. It wasn’t any different from incidents in your youth. Back then you thought things would get better eventually. When you grow up, you’d be a strong and fearless person.
That everything that scared you or worried you would become tiny and meaningless as soon as you weren’t a child anymore. But time has proofed your wrong. You became stronger, indeed. Stronger in worrying and torturing yourself.
“Darling?”
You were so pathetic.
The day that troubled you was around the corner and instead of being brave and outgoing to make the best out of it, you felt like drowning from the inside.
You throat ached by now.
Or was it maybe your soul that was aching? Is this the place where your soul is? It burned and felt poisoned. And all these feelings. Why were there so many?
You were afraid, oh so afraid.
And disappointed. Disappointed in yourself for feeling this way. And angry. Angry for not being able to handle the situation.
“Y/n.”
Why am I this weak? Why can’t I handle it better. How can I be with him, if I am troubled by something this small? Why do I put myself through this, again and again? I need to be more brave, but I can’t. How?
Caught up in your inner monologue, you didn’t notice that the water hat stopped running a few minutes ago. That the door had opened and a big cloud of steam escaped into the bedroom. That he had called you already two times by now, not getting any response from your absent figure. That the bed had dunked in beside you and still you couldn’t been torn from your daydreaming nightmare.
Chrollo knew that there was something going on. He noticed right away, days ago. You weren’t as carefree as you used to be and your brows were furrowed ever so often. Knowing you for this long he was aware that you weren’t the best communicator.
That you needed time to wrap your mind around things and that you would come to him if you were ready. He was willing to give you this time, but when he left the bathroom taking in your wrecked body with that hopeless glance in your eye’s his heart sunk.
He knew that you had reached the point. That your feelings were overflowing and that whatever was messing with your mind, has taken you all in.
He had approached you without making another sound, sitting down next to you. “Y/n” His voice spoke softly and that’s when you snapped out of it.
A little bit taken aback you turned away from the skyline and looked at him. Even now, with both of you sitting on the bed you had to look up at him to meet his eyes. His eyes, a grey sea that you could drown in immediately.
“Talk to me” his voice was smooth like sweet balm for your aching soul. His hands reaching out for your face, cupping your jaw from both sides. His thumbs carefully stroking your cheeks. Here he was sitting in front of you, with this pleading sparkle in his stormy eyes. Wet hair sticking to his beautiful face and water drops running down his fair yet so strong chest.
On him nothing but a damp towel, wrapped lowly on his hips.
“There is an angel sitting in front of me. “you smiled weakly while the words left your lips. Then reaching for his wrists, putting your cold hands on his warm ones, guiding them away from your face. You could do so because he let you.
Normally, Chrollo wouldn’t let you escape from his touch. On the other hand, you never refused his touch in the first place. But this situation – your state of mind - was far from normal. Were you avoiding his touch?
He wondered. Chrollo couldn’t but look at you slightly confused. He wondered if he had done anything that upset you. Was he the reason for your unease? But he hadn’t much time to think about it, for your upper body leaned forward and eventually fell into his.
Your arms wrapped around his shoulders and your head buried in the crook of his neck, holding on to him like the rock he was in your stormy ocean of emotions.
“So this is how an angel smells.”
You mumbled into his skin, continuing your praising for him. Taking in his unique smell, that was your private drug you couldn’t get enough of.
The vibrations of your voice flooding his whole body. It took Chrollo a moment to comprehend, relieved that you weren’t fleeing from him. Like a force of nature, his arms found their way around your back. Pushing you deeper into his unclothed chest.
He needed you closer, the urge of snuggling you up growing with every passing second. How were you able to speak in such a tender and loving way when your mind was rioting this much? You weren’t alright and Chrollo wanted nothing more than to understand and help you out of your misery.
By now you could clearly feel some small water drops from his torso soaking you shirt and you loved it. Because it proofed how close he was. You inhaled his smell and felt the ease coming over you, sighting into his neck. His hands roamed over your back, feeling your spine and rips and stroking them gently.
“And this is how a sad angel behaves.”
He spoke and stopped his caressing. Picking up the pattern of words and speaking them with so much sincerity and worry that your heart threatened to burst.
“Something’s been eating you up, my love. I am the only one allowed to do that.”
His hands flowed down you back and dived into your back pockets, squeezing your butt affectionately. You chuckled lightly at his cheeky remark but didn’t forget the previous statement he had made. Nothing goes past this man.
“You know. You just always know.” There was not more than a whisper coming from your lips but Chrollo could hear you loud and clear. Also the breaking of your voice was something that seemed to struck his heart first, before it came to his mind. His body acted without his command, intensifying his embrace once more. But he would have done it anyway.
It was moments like these, that scared the leader of the Phantom Troupe a little bit. Moments that made clear how important you were to him, how much he craved you and how terrible he was, in enduring your crying figure. Patting your hair softly, he could feel trembles shooting through your delicate body. Evidence from the sobs you tried to hold back.
“Don’t hold back, my love. Not when its me.” He kissed your sleeve tenderly and the next moment your hands gripped his shoulders, pushing yourself away from him to look him in the eyes. “For this very reason I wanna hold back.” You sobbed, tears already dwelling from your eyes that you silently accepted. Chrollos face grew with concern.
“I wanna be stronger. Why can’t I?” you turned your face to the side, away from the man you loved with every breath. Feeling ashamed for what you just said and how you were behaving. Exposing your devastating feelings to him, feelings that you didn’t even understand yourself.
Wasn’t it cruel to confront him with something as precarious and chaotic as your current ebullition?
Therefore, you felt the need to explain it more. Especially, when his one hand lifted to brush a strand of hair behind your ear, eyes never leaving your profile. His touch so tender that you barely could sense it.
“I try and try and don’t get better. I am and always will be weak. I simply don’t improve.” Tears keep flowing, your vision nothing but blurry.
“Small things make me loose my mind. In a way that I can’t eat nor sleep. Why is that? Whats wrong with me!”, while you began silent and with a hurt tone your last words had a bitterly furious taste.
You looked up to the ceiling, trying to blink away your tears. You were so fed up with yourself. Shaking your head, you were so done. Body weak from all the stress it had to cope with. Mind tired of all this negativity and fear.
The steady thought of Chrollo deserving someone braver, stronger and bolder than you torturing your heart to its limits. In a fast and well-practiced motion your chin was caught between his thumb and index, tilting it down so your eyes weren’t longer fixed on the bedroom’s ceiling. Meeting is intense gaze and determined face your breathing didn’t dare to continue.
“Don’t be ashamed for the way you feel, darling” he brought your face closer to his, leaning in and placing his soft lips on yours.
It soothed you immediately, filling you up with warm and electrifying feelings. It was a tender and short kiss, you wished it would have lasted longer. But he stayed close to you, his big grey eyes watching you closely. Cupping your cheek, he felt his skin being met with a few stray tears but he didn’t mind.
In fact, this was the purest and most honest form of feelings to witness, he thought. You leaned into his touch and closed your eyes for a moment, enjoying the sensation. Both your hands found their way to his, that was holding your face. One covering his cupped hand, the other one placed on his wrist, feeling his warm and smooth skin.
Yet again, you left him speechless. Never has he met a tender soul like yours before. He enjoyed watching you getting comfortable under his touch.
“You,” he said suddenly and you opened your eyes, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”
You looked at each other in pure bewilderment.
One another reasons however, completely different.
You were speechless and didn’t know what to say. “It’s the truth and I adore that very much about you. Someone as pure and goodhearted as you can’t but suffer in this filthy world. But that’s not a weakness of you nor your fault.”
Mesmerized by his words you didn’t even realize that he had taken both your hands in his, holding them tightly between the both of you. Right now, Chrollo was wearing his heart on his sleeve and you couldn’t but look at him doe eyed. Your glassy eyes sparkling in the moonlight.
What a beautiful sight, he thought.
Suddenly, he pressed you down into the mattress, hoovering above you, damp hair strands hanging from his face, one arm next to your head and the other still holding your hand.
“I know this fear is very real. That it cannot be banned with nice words or motivational speeches. It's a true enemy. An enemy that you have been fighting merciless without a pause. How can you assume that this makes you weak? Going on and on despite the agony. Your will is strong, so strong darling.”
He guided your hand up to his lips and smiled before kissing the back of it. Was he aware of what he was doing to you? That he had shot you one of his irresistibly handsome smiles? That you were completely and utterly devoted to him?
“Chrollo…” you melted underneath him and his innocent look wasn’t helping much. “Kiss me.” You pleaded, feeling tears building up again. However, this time not from desperation.
His eyebrows shot up in surprisement but he granted you what you wished for. Lips on lips, you were both lost in each other. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in closer. Chrollo couldn’t but chuckle in amusement.
He knew what he was doing to you, and more importantly he knew what you needed.
“I know my angel like no other.” He spoke between the loving exchange of kisses. All negativity was forgotten once this man had his lips on you. It was hard to imagine that only a couple minutes ago, you were nothing but a picture of misery whose world was ending.
All these days of heavy feelings, anxiety and unwell being were diminishing the amount of good time in your life. The kisses you could have shared, the touch you could have given and the happiness you could have experienced.
His hand travelled down to your belly and exposed your stomach to rest it on your soft skin. He broke away from the kiss and looked at you with gloomy grey eyes.
"Your body,” he started roaming your tender flesh, „reacts in the only way it thinks is good for you. Clearly, at these times it’s giving you pain, but that’s because you keep creating scenarios in which you fail. Your body can't but go into extreme mode, because it wants to protect you so much from the things your mind is feeding you with."
He spoke and kissed your neck at the end of his speech. The emphasis he put into his words couldn’t be ignored.
He was very serious about this.
It was almost like he was upset with your body for giving you pain and tensions but at the same time he knew it was an act of self-defence.
It was hard keeping up with his worried eyes and so you looked down to be greeted with nothing less than his beautifully shaped torso that was hoovering over you.
You nodded, his words echoing in your ears. Agreeing with him.
You settled your hand on his left shoulder and he watched you closely. Reassuring him with your touch you went further placed your other hand on his chest stroking it down to his abs and back up again.
“I love you”
You said and looked back up at him. A move that he thought was very seductive. He kissed your temple and laid down beside you, head rested on his arm, free hand intertwined with yours. You copied his movements and turned to face him, your head cuddling into his chest.
Your legs feeling the soft fabric of the towel that still hung around his lower half. You hugged him and enjoyed the safe embrace he was giving you. You could clearly feel his gaze looking down at you, and you planted a tender kiss on his chest, smiling up at him.
“I want to fight all these things. Everything that upsets you, troubles you, that makes you sad. Ban them from your life, so they wouldn’t weight you down anymore. But even if I destroy it all, eliminate every last bit of your fears and face all the reasons for your distress, I’d be met with you in the end. And I can’t fight you, my love. These things have power over you, because you let them. As much as I hate it, I can’t fight this fight for you.”
Your heart got heavy from his words, you could hear his worry and knew the truth behind them. He was right. You had the power to change it all.
“I’ll try my best.”
With that he kissed you and you knew that you would get better. That life would get better. It was in your might.
“No...You won’t try. You will do your best and you will succeed, I know it. Don’t doubt yourself, darling.”
“I love you, my angel. And if I can’t fight for you, I will fight with you.”
A/n. : "' You' he said, 'are a terribly real thing in a terrible false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.'" - Nietzsche
