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The story

There is no story without struggle.

La Pharmacie

First time going in and speaking completely in french!

I am counting every tiny little step here, guys. J’apprends la francais!!!! <3

#montreal #learning #la francais #french #juslit

More love notes to alphie

#alphie

La Famille

I have made a few friends after my one year in Montreal. One just started dating a Quebecois. She just met his family and she told me the same things I felt when I was dating my Quebecois. She felt a little stupid and on display for not knowing the language. And I know this feeling is common with any cross culture relationship but it really takes it toll. When you meet the family or friends you are already meeting a whole lot of history and inside jokes add that onto them speaking in a different language there is no way to not feel like an outsider. It used to take me so much mental energy to prepare to hang out with my ex’s family and friends. It wasn’t a bad thing necessarily but it hard to get into that mind space and to know that for a few hours you will not be speaking a lot, you will look like the dumbest person in the room, and you will be a walking google translation.

#quebecois

Il Pleut!

“Il pleut” was the first french phrase I understood in the wild. I was in Magog, walking into this beautiful white house in the surrounded by lush green and one tiny drop of rain lands on my exes’ shoulders, he says “Il pleut!” and right away I say “il ne pleut pas!” It was only one drop, I mean come on. It surprised me that I understood and responded so quickly. Now every time it rains I smile with a little bit of pride. I may not have mastered the French language yet (let’s be honest I haven’t even mastered the English language yet) but maybe I have a start as a french weather girl.

#learning #french #quebecois #quebec #juslit #writing

This is a love note to Alphie <3

#Alphie

Montreal Summer Round Trois

People were out on their porches today. Having their morning coffees, juggling their toddlers, calming their dogs, and just enjoying the morning. The sun glittered through the trees. Tiny droplets still painted the thick green blades of grass and other plants. It was the definition of brisk, bright, and refreshing. Nothing like a few days in the smog heavy cities of China to make you appreciate morning like these. I made a joke of myself while stumbling through my french with the barista. Comment dit on “Blueberry Scones?” “Scone Blueberrie” Insert red face. My goal this summer is to be fully shameless (but probably a little shameful) with my french learning. Yes, Waiter, I will make you say it once in french then try to resay it in english and make you correct me as I try to order it in french. Yes, random person asking me about my dog, I will squint for a minute before responding. Yes, my favorite bartender at la Grande Lionel, I will make you teach me french phrases as I pretend to be interested in my dates. And yes, Tumblr stalker, I will be posting my tumbles through the french language.

This will be my third summer in Montreal. I really don’t want it to be my last. Let’s do this!

#Juslit #writing

How the 90s are ruining my dating life Recently one of my good friends started dating a new girl. He is super excited about her because she is nothing like his ex. I'm not saying rebound but I am not not saying rebound. Either way this girl shares all of his interests which his ex did not. For some reason that statement really stuck with me. Probably because I am a serial victim of unrequited love. Love is a strong word. Let's say like. Unrequited like. Like is the stepping stone to Love so who knows if any of those relationships could have sprung into love - IF GIVEN THE CHANCE. Yeah Chris Worthington from Detroit Country Day I'm looking at you.

Anyway back to why I was slightly upset with my friend's reasoning behind his new fling. I don't think common interest is what makes a relationship. I am fully saying this because I have had loads in common with men - to the point where we were sending each other the same articles at the same time - AND NOTHING. Nothing at all blossomed out of that. And it is because I am doing something wrong or it because there is something else besides common interests that should bond two people. How do relationships work? Where is the pop up book on that? Did I miss that day in school? Because everyone else gets it. Instead of looking inward and seeing what I could do to change my dating life I decided to look back at the people I looked up to for dating life: The couples of 90s and early 2000s prime time television. I mean these were couples that I grew up with. That I watched and rooted for. These were the people that taught me about safe sex, about the importance of communication and using the term 'on a break.'

So I decided to start a 90s couples re-education and rewatch some of these couple's best moments. I think I figured out the answer to long lasting love: complimentary hair color. Jokes.

These couples pretty much just set me up to fail. One: most of these heroins have to deal with immense heart break before finding love. They don't necessarily have a happy healthy boring relationship they have intense love that are against the odds.

So what does that leave me? My idea of relationships and love are built up to unmeetable standards. I'm going to deny all love because it is not the big gigantic love that I desire that I believe I deserve. I’m never going to stay with someone past that amazing lust stage. The minute things need work the minute my actions and thoughts have consequences is the minute I will leave that relationship because it’s not perfect. It’s not what I pictured. Will I ever move on from this?

And more importantly when I move on from this will I meet the person who has also moved on from this? So far hell nah.

#old writings meet new #lit #justlit

Marriage and such

http://24.media.tumblr.com/fada24ecb38009be6f00cd3930b04ab9/tumblr_mk86zp7gIM1qcf9ito1_500.jpg

Very interesting article on the Atlantic What if marriage were temporary?

I agree with Sarah's view, If some man asked me to marry me for two years I would probably laugh but I think there needs to be a temporary option.

I am the perpetually single girl in every friend group. Never tied down but never alone. When I tell people my views on marriage and children, they are surprised. They don't think I could want any of the commitment, being constantly tied to one person, raising a family, being responsible for some one other than my self. I am not the girl who needs to be depended on a man or who wants the white picket fence.The truth of the matter is that I very much so want that (except the white picket fence - I'll take a beautifully decorated loft in the middle of the city.) I am a die hard romantic. I want all of that. I want to be married to man that I can share all of my hopes and dreams. I want to have an amazingly smart child that will take over the world. I want to travel and learn and grow with these people that I hope to have in my life one day. The thing is that I am a very cynical person. As much as I want these things, I'm not going to settle for just anyone to give them to me. I don't want to marry someone just to have someone - anyone in my life. Marriage and family is very important to me and I don't think it should be entered into lightly. I firmly believe that many people, especially in my age group, do enter into marriage lightly; they do marry because they just want to married not because they truly deeply love that one person. (On a side and very cynical note, I'm not certain that love even exists). I have had the chance to get married and to start a family and as much as I cared for those people that offered me those amazing opportunities. I knew deep down it wasn't right. I knew their heart wasn't in it. And sure enough one of them got engaged within 3 months of us ending our relationship.

http://i.imgur.com/Tz8plPw.png

I do however think a temporary option is needed. Marriage is not the same institution it was 50 years ago. People look at marriage as an answer for all things wrong in their life. Like it some magical fix-itThere needs to be some kind of in between measure that makes couples rethink their relationship. You love some one? You are young? You can't wait to spend every day with them? And what about those tax breaks? Yeah marriage is so the answer. But what if you could do something else? Instead of getting hitched, get semi hitched, try the two year marriage out? If it works after two years or so, file for a real marriage

It’s hard to explain. It’s a feeling that just hangs there like stale air. Like something you wish you could put in a box and throw away in the sea to be lost forever but you can never catch all of it. Because it’s still air. It expands, fills in the little holes, spreads everywhere. It doesn’t matter how much you capture it how much you pretend it is not there: it is there weighing on you. It’s just air. It’s just a feeling! You scream. You cry. You are more than this but this is all you understand this is the only comfort you have ever known and that is why you know this feeling this stale air. You were never given a chance. You were never allowed to experience anything else but depression.

The worst thing about depression is how it can turn into so many other evil things. Jealousy. Pride. Anger. Doubt. Distrust. The problem is that you know it exist you know it causes these other horrible feelings and you try to contain it. You try to be the best of you. The kind, funny, smart, witty girl but you just want to be cruel. Make everyone cry around you. Make them feel how you feel. How dare they not feel what you feel. How dare they not know your pain. They should feel at least one minute of it.

Breathe.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe.

You are not your feelings. You are not your past. You are not your pain.

But maybe you are.

#lit #juslit

Bear love.

There are moments that you dwell on. That you simmer in. They happen and they stain your consciousness. Always replaying in some way in your head.

"I don't think I could say in front of God in a church that I will love you forever." Now there is more context like we were at wedding with a lot of hymns. We debated what we wanted at our wedding. We were discussing the craziness of devoting oneself to God and another person until you die but still it rang in my ears. All day. All week. It swam through my veins. It welled in my eyes. All I heard was "I don't think that I will love you."

I never seemed to mind if anyone loved me before. I never really thought I would get married or want to get married. But here I was sitting next to a guy that I so desperately wanted to hear I love you from. I wanted to be wrapped in those words. Wear them on my sleeve walk down the isle and say yes I love you too. But that's not going to happen. I see him gulp his beer and I realized this is going to end. My heart started to break.

This is the end. I don't know how to get to the beginning. How to start from scratch. How to stop wanting love. It's like I taste it but I can't eat it. With every kiss, every joke, every giggle, every hug, cuddle, debate, every little thing I taste it and I smell it and I'm almost there. Just barely in the grasps of love but then nothing. Like a mirage. It was just a hopeful image that disappeared once I got the center of it all.

#lit #writing

Listen. Listen.

Breathe

Listen. Listen.

Breathe in.

Listen Listen

Breathe out.

Listen Listen

Breathe in Trust

Breathe out distrust

Listen

it’s ok

listen

breathe

listen

everything will be fine

breathe

listen

it won’t be fine

listen

trust

breathe

listen

trust

stop listening Stop listen stop trusting stop stop stop it stop it all

stop.

#juslit #lit #poetry

90760

R.I.F

pascalcampion

It’s almost Fall again #pascalcampion I like Fall.. it feels like the world starts turning again after the summer break( It just feels like it.. I know it doesn’t stop, but it’s nice to think of it that way once in a while).

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