Roasty Toasty Marshmallow

@just-a-temporary-fix

32. Old Soul. Loud Laugher. Perpetual Crier. Pun Lover. Instagram @crystoffanopolis

29.8K posts

I done fucked up

I went and ruined my own surprise 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s been nearly a month since I reached out to reconnect. Since then, I reached out at least three more times. You’ve been polite, giving longer than one word responses. But blaming being busy on not having more than the superficial conversations about work.

I didn’t realize it then but when you said “I’ll talk to you when I talk to you” you weren’t talking about how busy you would be but instead how guarded you became.

And I get it, I broke your trust. I walked away when I said I wouldn’t, even if it was only temporary. Even if you encouraged it.

My anxiety wants me to believe it’s because I was a friend of convenience and luxury. You’ve always convinced me otherwise, other than now.

Now I feel like my anxiety was always right, but I convince myself out of it because that’s what I’ve been working on.

So I’ll be patient, I’ve done it once before and I’ll do it again. I’ll gain your trust enough to let me in, on your own time. I will wait for you.

Not in a romantic way, the time I took did exactly what it was supposed to do. I detached from the outcome I was subconsciously hoping for.

I am yours in the most platonic way possible. I am in love with you platonically. And I will always be there for you, even if it’s just from afar.

I’m sorry I did what we were trying to avoid this whole time. I’m sorry I’ve made you feel like you have to put a guard up around me.

But I am not sorry for putting me first.

The Pefrfect Date - 4/25/26

I reached out

To thank you for giving me the time I needed

And to let you know I was good now

I left it open so you didn’t feel pressured to respond

And you still haven’t

Over 24 hours later

And I’m not torn up over it

Over you

I may not ever get over these feelings for you

But damn

I am far too good at detaching

You could tell me you were getting married tomorrow

Would I wish it were to me

Maybe but..

Still I would smile and wish you the best

Because after all

You deserve nothing but the best

Even if it’s not with me

And that

That’s on growth

21 days without you in my daily routine

Yet I still dream of you

I don’t think I’ll be reaching out tomorrow after all

I may need a few more days to recover

From last night’s dream

Where you kept doing all the things

You’ve been doing to keep my heart confused

But I will say,

Fuck I missed looking into your eyes

I had another dream last night

You were in it this time

I was hosting a house party

You brought the guy you were seeing

He was an ass

And you were all over him

Except the friend you have a thing for showed up

So you took your date upstairs

But as you walked away you heard me

Coaching your friend on how to swoop in

And steal your attention back

The more you heard the less you paid attention

To either of them

instead walked over to me

And made a move

Allowing me to do all the things

I said he should do

Then I woke up

And labeled it as it was

A dream.

And that is the last I’ll try to think of you today

I had a dream last night

You weren’t in it.

But I was married,

Had a beautiful daughter

And I argued with my mother

I wasn’t happy in my marriage

In fact, my daughter was my only happiness

But in reality,

I know I’ll never have a daughter of my own

And I’m scared of what my life will become

Without you

Tomorrow marks 14 days since we last spoke

14 days since you offered me nothing but kindness and reassurance in a moment you had absolutely no obligation to

In a moment that only reminded me why I am so helplessly stuck in this unrequited love

I keep trying to convince myself it’s just limerence

That I can’t actually be in love with you

Yet, I am

But still I’ll try to break this unhealthy bond and obsession I have for you

If it means we can stay friends

Today has been a day and I need you

Scratch that I want nothing more than to talk to you

Just 14 more days

Maybe less I think

14 days

10 minutes of contact

My head is no longer spiraling

I am confident

I can keep you

And our friendship

I pray over the next 14 days

You don’t have a change of heart

Reminding myself

I am doing this to heal my nervous system

If I lose you in the process,

You were never meant to stay

No matter how much

I want you to

I’m struggling again

Because I’m feeling less and less understood

You got me

Without trying

You just understood my soul

And that might be the hardest part

That I have to come to terms with

big fan of characters with abandonment + attachment issues so profound that they leave claw marks in everything they touch but would sooner gnaw off their own leg than admit they just want someone to stay for once. in a totally normal well adjusted and not at all projecting way of course.

When it comes to a choice between you and anyone…it’ll always be you.

Even when it’s you or me.

I will always choose you.

Welp, one week.

I went one week without reaching out

And you had nothing but kindness for me

“You need reassurance that we’re okay

And we are okay

You need to take care of you

for once in your damn life Crysta

Take the time you need

I’m not going to abandon you”

And now we go 21 days without any contact again

What I hate most about this period of no contact

Is that you out of everyone would be checking in on me during this time

And right now I only have people in my corner when I reach to them

Not because they think of me

The way you did

This time without you is hard

Harder than anything I’ve been through

But this time without you is needed

My heart is addicted to you

And it’s unhealthy

Just give me time

I’m almost there I know it

I didn’t dream of you last night.

I dream of you every night

I miss you more than anything

But I know I need to let go of this fantasy

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