My attempt to keep a diary

I've always liked the idea of keeping a diary. A way to vent out my frustrations of the day and keep memories. However I've always failed at maintinging them, my best attempt only lasted about three weeks in the past. I'm hoping that by doing it online and making it accessable to public it will encourage me to keep going. It also means I won't lose it ;). I don't expect anyone to realistically read any of this but just in case I won't be mentioning any real names etc...

[just-my-diary]

Wow Clearly I’m Terrible at Diary Keeping

For reasons that I will go into futher into this post, I thought I’d have a go at keeping a diary of my ups and downs. I found a dairy designed for hand written entries (that I’ve had for years btw) wrote a few words and thought. There’s no where near enough space to get everything out that I want to! I will type it. Then I thought, I’ve doen this before and here I am rediscovering a diary i started in 2017! 

I’m not about to type out evetything that’s happened in the last five yearrs, I don’t have the time or energy. The thing that has pushed me towards tyring again though is that I am currently pregnant with my second child and struggling. I am hoping that by logging this down perhaps I will find a release or at least a distraction from what is going on.

While I was pregnant with my daughter I suffered with severe morning sickness. I wasn’t formally diagnosed with HG (or at least I wasn’t told that) but I was sick right up until 30 weeks, had lost 1.5 stone by 18 weeks and ended up in hospital at 19 weeks for several days. On Tuesday last week the vomiting started, mainly just a little bit of bile and foamy fluids. 

I did what I always said I would do and that was get in touch with the doctor early, I explained how sick I was last time and that I was worried. I explained that I didn’t really want cyclozine (think that’s the spelling?) because it made me so sleepy, but that I didn’t want to end up in hospital either. I do have a two year old to look after. He listened and agreed he wouldn’t prescribe that again if it didn’t work for me but said the only thing he could prescirbe me at this present moment really was thiamine, a vitamin that I had a prescription before and I believe helped me eat event when I didn’t want to. I felt like it was making a difference, that it helped me to eat, which in turn helped redcue the amount I was physically sick.

Then today, I started to vomit up food. I am currently 8 weeks and 5 days, not even a quater of the way through, and i have no idea how I will manage this time. My partner works long hours and I have to look after our 2 year old the majority of the time. Today she had a half day at nursery and this afternoon wanted to play in the garden, but I simply didn’t have the energy. Instead I put the TV on and allowed her to gawp at it whilst causing chaos in our lounge. I have booked her into full time nursery for two weeks from next week. After this my partner has said he will try and be at home more on her off days.

I feel like a terrible parent though and that I’m failing her. If my pregnancy goes as it did before, I will not be able to play and have fun with her for about 4 more months. At two years old this is a huge amount of time developmentally. I don’t want to let her down or miss out on those precious months. I have to keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the end, and with any luck, she won’t remember those months of grumpy mummy that barely paid any attention.

I am also aware that amongst my own pity party there are people far worse than me, that vomit up to 60 times a day! I will try to be thankful that I am lucky enough to not be one of these people.

[just-my-diary]

25/26 March 2017

I dont write much on here, I have accepted that I'm  not somebody that can keep a diary. But its almost midnight and I cant sleep for crying and I feel posessed to write something. Im not sure I'm hoping someone will be able to relate to me, I'll fine somebody who I can relate to or simply to vent. I suspect the latter as I have next to no followers and already feel better.

A small trigger has set me off, I suspected I might get upset this Sunday but I thought I'd be better this year but if anything its started earlier and I'm worse. Tomorrow is mothers day and while my partner and I prepare for sucessive visits from our parents and facebook fills with posts from friends and family it goes to act as reminder that I'm still not one.

My partner and I have been trying for a baby for probably 3 years now. About one and a half years in we had success. We'd agreed we'd have one last month attempting before we'd go to the doctor's for help and it happened for us. There were a  few issues early on which meant I had early scans and learnt we were expecting twins, however, after a few weeks of development I was later diagnosed with a missed miscarriage at around 10 weeks. 

At the time it was devastating but gave us hope that at keast it could happen for us, but it set our time to concieve back to 0 and we're back to being over a year of trying, and we're now attempting to get a doctors appointment, which if your using the nhs and is alot easier said than done, and its hard to find the motivation when you know the problem most likely isnt you. I had a fair few checks during the brief time I was pregnant, while my partner hsd tried with no luck in a previous relationship. He's self employed and booked upto 6 weeks in advance so for him, playing the game of back to back calls for an appointment at an inconvenient time that he might not even be sucessful in gettting isnt an easy option. Particularly as his working day starts a good hour before any surgery even opens. Not that its thier fault, they were great when I needed them urgently but too many people and not enough money, lets face it makes it tough on everyone.

I have complete respect for all mothers out there, I appreciate that they do so much for us and, yes, of course they should have their day. But somehow, the resentful part of me that I try so hard to push aside finds the concept equally cruel for those of us that so want to be a part of that exclusive club. One of my most hated phrases is hearing people say 'well as a monther...' as if nobody who isnt a mother could possibly understand what its like to care about something. I appreciate its said with complete innocence, but to someone on the outside it feels like a cruel taunt, "you wouldn't understand, you don't have children". 

Thats it, my small rant I think has done me good, I actually feel much better, a little bit of a bitch for complaining about Mummys who genuinely dont want to offend, but better none the less. Maybe this will convince me to keep posting, hopefully one day I can be a hypocrite and join the Mum club

[just-my-diary]

22/02

Today I did send that dreaded e-mail, turning down the job of my dreams due for financial and social reasons :(. I’m truly gutted, a part of mehoped/is still hoping that they’ll come back to me say no! we want you so badly you should work from home 2 days a week but realistically I know that’s just not going to happen.

Other than that it really was a very mundane day at work. Yesterday had been a really busy day so the other girls had fallen slightly behind. The girl who sits next o me’s son was off sick so there were just the two of us on the tasks and we almost caught up today. The almost annoys me but I refuse to work late in an admin position. I did too much of that when I worked events and I’ve learnt that working late is only something you do when there are no other options. My other colleague who sits on the far right struggles with this concept so I left her working away. I’ve tried numerous times to get her out of the office on time as have many others, and she always agrees that she shouldn’t stay late, yet when 5pm hits, if there’s tasks left to be done, even if they are extremely insignificant she will stay.

My Fiance has come home in a foul mood, people have constantly been ringing him and he left for work at 4am this morning and is exhausted. The work part of it is that he doesn’t even get paid for these early starts. He’s doing it for another company whose owner has some sort of hold over him, making him feel like he can’t say no. He justifies it by saying that he has to to make sure he gets his other work as the business owner is also a senior employee at his main source of income. However, he keeps giving the work away to another company and not giving him the POs for the work he’s done. I estimate that between the unpaid work and the work that we should have invoiced but cant because he’s not had a PO we’re owed about £8k and we’re really struggling as a result.

Anyway, he’s now off having a nap and  I’m supposed to be cleaning the kitchen. We were supposed to have fish but DH isn’t fussed and I’m not cooking for one, so I guess I’ll have some sort of leftovers omelette or something

[just-my-diary]

Working from home day (1st post is a long one with some explanations!)

Today was my once a week day to work from home. It’s supposed to be a Wednesday but due to some confusion (i.e. my manager agreeing to too many people having Wednesdays off) I’ve had to change for this week.

I usually make payments for my partners company but due to a number of people not paying us I only have the facility to pay the apprentice his weekly wages. I’ve spent a fair chunk of the day catching up on inputting, going through e-mails and other very mundane things.

The one big thing I should have done but haven’t is reply to an e-mail for the job of my dreams. I went for an interview in London two weeks ago to work with my dream company and yesterday, around 5pm, they called and e-mailed me asking if I was still interested to contact them.

You might wonder why I would put this off, but, there are a lot of buts to this position. Firstly its in London, and not just that South London. The easiest way to get there is driving and in non-rush hour traffic it’s a goof 1hour 20mins each way. That means realistically to take away my fear of being late I probably need to allow at least 2.5 which would equate to 5 hours a day travelling.

The 2nd but is it’s only a 3-4 month contract, which given we moved house in October and have considerably higher mortgage payments than we once did is a huge risk, as it would put a massive amount of pressure on the Fiancee, who in my opinion already works too many hours.

The 3rd but is that the salary isn’t great, taking into account the money I’d have to spend commuting my take home salary would be exactly what it is now, but I’d be working much longer hours, have more responsibility and spend, as previously mention up to 5 hours commuting a day. Currently I work 4 days a week in a 8.30-5pm, no stress job.

You may then wonder why I would want a job so badly in the first place to apply for it. About a year and a half ago I had a similar job for a company that was just 25mins away, however, for various reasons (lack of money in the company along with lack of full understanding of workload from management)  was at a point where I was working an average of 90 hours a week. That is not an exaggeration and no I did not get overtime.

Not only that I was doing a job which went above and beyond anything in my job description without any recognition. Alongside that I was doing all the paperwork for my partners ever growing business. Needless to say after 5 years I reached breaking point and resigned with the intention of working for my partner and picking up some freelance work to cover the bills.

Long story short I ended up temping and then being offered permanent at another local company as an administrator. Now I have nothing agaist being an admin, its how I started my career, however after doing it for a few months I’ve come to realize that I want so much more than that. I crave the work I used to do and the responsibilities. It wasn’t the job itself I disliked it’s the hours I was doing. However because my job title and position didn’t ever really represent the extent of what I was doing, I’ve had a hard time going back into the industry at the right level for me. This is the first real opportunity of going back into what I really love.

Logic tells me that if I want to stay financially secure, which I do, If I want to start a family and get maternity leave, which I do, if I want to actually spend time at home with my fiance and dog, which I do, I should stay put. But something else in my head can’t quite bring myself to turn the role down.