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honestly fuck my life :) :) :) knowing that im in love with a guy that will never love me back is the best feeling in the fucking world, grin grin bitch

but hes so fucking ugly what is wrong with me

god damn it

i hate myself

readyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy for his bday, countdown begins? justkidding fuck dot it's in like 6 hours

PRE GAME AYE

You’re probably wondering why I made you such an ugly collage. It’s like… if you’re going to make an ugly collage, why make one at all? LOL, but I promise that there’s a good explanation for that. This collage has 4 pictures; yes I have to tell you how many pictures there are because I’m afraid you aren’t capable of counting ;) Well anyway, these 4 pictures have significant meaning.. Or at least I would think so! Let’s start off with picture number 1: My wall. Do you remember this wall? When we used to Skype, you waited for like hours staring at this wall before I came back. Really, this shows that you put up with my shit and idk.. Words can’t even explain how grateful and thankful I am for someone who is willing to stick with me and all of my baggage. Picture 2: Triple Ho Show! Throwback Tuesday or what? Hehe, well this shows that even though we don’t talk or hangout everyday, we are still capable of maintaining a great friendship. Like I said, it AMAZES me how I always see you at random places (Triple Ho, Mall, Reno). I told you before, but I’ll tell it to you again. #Fate? AHA, when I used to like you a lot, I was like “Well shit.. This is a sign we must be together.” But who knew? Together doesn’t mean boyfriend or girlfriend anymore, it means together as best friends. Picture 3: Dysfunctional. This shows that our friendship is not perfect and I am honestly thankful it isn’t. We get in fights and we make each other go insane but at the end of the day, I can still count on you. Picture 4: Awe, your surprise birthday! (A normal picture. H-h-h-h-holy shit. Our like ONLY normal picture) LOL, well lastly this resembles our beautiful friendship. Sure our friendship isn’t perfect (hence picture 3) but this is a friendship that I know will last a lifetime. You’re definitely my rock. I can count on you for anything and everything.

I honestly don’t know what in the world I would do without you. You’re probably the bestest friend that anyone could ever ask for. I am truly grateful that I have you in my life. Sorry this is long.. It’s like a freaking essay, but shit.. Words can’t even explain how much you mean to me. I’m so freaking glad that we became as close as we are. From Skyping every single damn day, to soccer, to highschool… Dude, we have accomplished so much as friends. Although I don’t remember half the shit we talked about or did over Skype, I’m still glad we talked everyday because I got to know so much about you. Always know that even though I may not agree with half the shit you do, I’ll always be here to support you. If you’re wondering why this is so long, it’s because this year, our friendship has gone through a big o’ rollercoaster. At a point, I honestly thought I was losing you. Idk, this is a reminder to you (and to me) that I’m not going anywhere, even if you want me to leave ya. So… to conclude this long letter, I just want to wish you a HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY BEST FRIEND. Thank you for being such an amazing person and friend. I love you and I hope you have the best day eva.

Fuck, this break has been so great... and then there's tonight. GAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAY

I'm tired and stressed and depressed... I mean what's new? Like I don't know.. life is such a fucking drag and I can't seem to find my happy place. It's been like this for a while and sometimes I just break down and cry. I feel so lost and confused, and I just don't know what to do or say or think. Maybe this is my sign to read the bible more, to pray more, idk.. To be more spiritually connected to God.. But fuh, all this homework... and just the fact that there aren't enough hours in a day. I am trying so hard to work at the best of my ability in school... The future, fuck. I swear thats the thing that is overwhelming me the most. And my dad.. he's smoking and drinking.. I mean the usual but he's also aging. He doesn't look like the young and healthy guy he once was.. And my words don't mean anything to him cause he obviously won't stop. Just too many small things adding up and giving me such bad headaches. Uggghasdkfa.

Future Career -

I honestly try not to think about the future too much, mainly because the future is such a scary place. There's a saying in the bible, and it basically tells you to not worry about tomorrow because today has its own problems. To think about whether or not you'll be successful in life is scary, and I don't know.. I guess thinking about college is exciting yet it makes me wonder, am I even gonna get to go to a good college? Am I gonna even be able to go out of the city? The future just keeps you guessing. Everything I'm currently doing right now is for my future. Working hard in school, trying to be active... I mean I guess that's basically all there is to it. When people ask me what I want to become, I don't know how to respond. I don't know what I want to become, but all I know is that I want to have a well paying job. Sure, money isn't everything, but it's a big part of what I want to make of my life and my dreams. Money can get me travelling, it can get me to help make a bigger difference than someone who isn't as wealthy (not saying that their help isn't important, because it most definitely is), and I just, ugh. So confused, and so many emotions just bottled up. Seriously, when I try so hard not to think about stuff like this, I get assigned an essay that asks me about what I want to become. HA, HA, HA. Fml. -_-

Venting Tumblr Catch Up, aye.

LOL, wowowow! It's been like forever since I've been on my venting tumblr... well, where do I start? Life has been bittersweet. I mean, of course it is! Nothing is extremely terrible and nothing is perfect. I guess I can just say that I'm pretty content with my life. School, friends, family, everything seems to be pretty well balanced. I wish I was more active but I guess with momma's schedule, not everything is possible. I can't wait til I am able to drive! (y) I honestly wish I could write alla this in a journal instead, but typing is so much eaiser. I don't have to worry about writing neat, erasing things, and my hand being exhausted. Anyways, anyways, I don't even know what I have to talk about besides how great life has been. Alright, adios buttcheek #homeworkbreak

Day 1: 20 Dreams You Have

1. Heaven 2. Getting into a good college 3. Successful job 4. LA/ SD home 5. Travel the world 6. Marry a cute, successful, wonderful guy 7. Beach front house 8. Being able to buy whatever I want whenever 9. Being skinny 10. Help out with a mission 11. Love myself 12. 2 kids; boy then girl 13. To be genuinely happy 14. Stress and worry free 15. Do spontaneous shit 16. Scholarship 17. Open a restaurant for le parents 18. 5'4 19. Travel all 50 states 20. idkmanidk

And these times are when I wonder if everything's going to be alright. Everyone seems so lost. I feel so lost. Each day is a drag, waiting until the weekend where we all get to rest for a moment before that time slips away in a blink of an eye.

And that was when I began to realize that at the end of the day, it's no one but me and God. I need to stop putting in so much effort in whatever relationship it is, and work on mine with God.

Honestly, nights like these suck. Where you sit in one spot, think of everything that has gone wrong in your life, thinking of what you can do to escape reality.. I really need to get away.

#tgiftomorrow

I let myself fall for you over and over again. I know I'm not gonna benefit from it, whatsoever.. Yet you make me so fucking happy.

what if i get don't get there....? i'm scared.

and still, reality scares the shit out of me.

It's interesting seeing how mad and sad you can get, yet a week or so later, the problem honestly disappears since life decides to overwhelm you with other situations and problems. Life is an unending roller-coaster. Sometimes I wonder, without all of the mishaps in my life, would I be happier because I don't have to worry, or would I be bored and emotionless to the max?

After going to that wedding tonight, and seeing my oldest cousin get married, makes me think about my wedding. It makes me jealous to see her the way she is, how she turned out. Beautiful and blessed. She met a man who loves her and most importantly loves God, she met a man who makes her happy and treats her right, she met a man who goes the extra mile for her and is at the highest of standards. She is my motivation to work hard, to love God, and to find someone who will treat me how I should be treated, like a princess, that I should wait, and someday, the right guy will come along. That's all... :)

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