Hello void

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Dinosaurs never had a Trans panic

Well the MRI results came back after a little prompting from myself, the scans didn't show any abnormalities to the spinal structure so in a way that's good, but they didn't show whatever is causing my back pain so...

I suspect it's ligament or tendon related then, having torn my achilles tendon I do know it takes years to get better and my AT still plays up and is really sensitive should it be prodded.

The thing is it just leaves me again with nowhere to turn, how can I get it fixed, can I get it fixed and if not how long will I be unable to walk far or lift anything.

I am stuck, sitting in my chair, getting out when mum has time to help me. I know worth is not tied to productivity but I would like to do something, I would like to meet folk, maybe make a friend.

I do get a bit lonely and I really can't even begin to imagine what my longer term future is, that's almost unbearable to me.

Still, I did speak to mum about how I was feeling a bit sad and she said that she would take me round to Luss to see the graveyard which I enjoy doing, I do love a good graveyard.

I am loving seeing the Xmas decs going up, although I can only plan where things go etc, mum has to do the leg work which I try not to let eat me up inside.

This year we are going to have a stars theme in the dining room above my little xmas villages, the hall is more traditional snow themed, the garlands will go on the banisters and such. The living room is almost done apart from the tree which we will leave naked for a little bit to have the cats get their excitement over with before we decorate it.

It all looks so lovely and I adore xmas, it's my favourite holiday, although I am not a fan of wet and windy winter weather. Although I adore days when there is a frost, with smoke from folks fires drifts down the loch and the grass and the spiderwebs are bejewelled and the smell from the frozen air and ground is so crisp.

We are getting less of those winters because of climate change, although if we loose the Gulf Stream we might be plunged into more of an Arctic type winter. Or perhaps not, who could even predict the outcome of that really?

I wonder what Christmas will be like in 100, 150 and 200 years in the future? Will Christianity have died out and people will just celebrate it entirely secularly like so many of us do now? Will another religion come along to replace it? Will it even be celebrated? I can't imagine not having some type of celebration, just with the dark days folk need a reason to decorate their homes, put up lights, spend time with friends and family.

Saying that if the world collapses into some sort of Water world/Mad Max type deal, where people are so desperate to survive in such a harsh and barren landscape who knows what will happen.

I would like to think that people realise that only by working together there will be peace and mitigation of the CC effects, that we need to look at our resources, what is renewable, what isn't and how do we safeguard this planet. I hope we move beyond money, beyond capitalism, beyond religion and sectarianism and realise that all life is important, that we need to care for everyone, that we can get food and water and shelter to all people and the other animals.

So many people today operate from fear, fear of needs not being met, of social stigma, of loosing their safety that they attack each other needlessly. Without equality there will always be fear and fear is easy to exploit. Just look at the Trans panic going on now, before it was a gay panic and a satanic panic and so on and forth.

I bet the dinosaurs never had a trans panic and that's how they survived for so many millions of years!

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Low but not for long.

A personal update, I managed to get a wee day out earlier this week, mum and I went out to the Clyde valley on Wednesday to pop into Dobbie's and Silver birch garden centres. I picked up a couple of things in Dobbie's but oh my Silver birch was like a treasure trove.

It is always decorated so well, they have such lovely decorations and we/I ended up burning a serious hole in the bank account. I just can't believe how talented some crafts folk are and I know a lot of things are made en masse but my there are some beautiful things. Every year when we unearth our Christmas decs I am just stunned by the things we have, nothing to do with the cost of them but the craftsmanship is just something I adore.

Thursday was a bit manic because we were due to have a couple of electricians come round and do bits but they were running late and I needed the electricity on for my singing lesson. It was just so close to the grain time wise, plus it's amazing how much stuff one bookcase that had to be emptied can carry, I felt like I was sitting in the back of a charity shop with things out for sorting.

I've been a bit low a few times although thankfully not for long, just dipping into it and usually only when I am tired. It's just waiting for the consultant to get back to me with my MRI results in so stressful, I am going to send another email on Monday to remind him I exist, but Is entirely possible that there are no real answers for my back pain on the MRI and the whole exercise would be pointless, or there could be an answer but nothing can be done regardless. I think I would prefer the latter because I drive myself crazy wondering why I have had this pain kissing my shoulder blades for the past 4 years that just isn't going away.

Plus I've done something to my knee, or my hEDS has, it's been sore and swollen for around a month and I've reached the point where I think I'm going to have to talk to a doctor about it, just to make sure that I don't make it worse really. It's pretty bearable but walking up the stairs can be difficult.

I haven't had any more news about my application for disability aid since a lassie phoned me to ask about uploading more evidence, I don't really have many test results or things to show though. I just told them that they could ask my doctor about the medical part and my mum about the rest to prove my case. There's so little help for folks with hEDS that I really have nothing to show them. I just bumble on as best I can, which means painkillers when I need them and a wheelchair mum bought me so I can get about bigger places. Even the Physio isn't much help because I keep saying it's my upper back that's sore and I just hear about Core exercises which were great for my lower back but do fuck all for my upper back. They did give me some advice for my shoulder subluxations but I can't use the kinetic tape which I found to be so helpful but I am allergic to the glue.

I really just exist in the living room during the day unless it's nice weather and my back can tolerate me sitting out on the Oyster seat we have. Or if mums free to take me out on a day trip but that also depends on how I am feeling, my Vestibular migraines, although the meds help the vertigo, still play havoc with me at times and travelling can be difficult.

Still at this point with the shitshow that is Brexit I am just happy I can still get my meds, life is certainly far better on them than off! I also don't ruminate too much on the cant's and generally just enjoy being able to see out the window and spending time with the kitts and mum and the internet is my view of outside the house. It's not what I wanted in life but it could be far, far worse so I just enjoy myself despite it. There is lots of interesting things I can see and read and watch and listen to. I fought very hard to be alive so I will take what I can get while trying to figure out what else can be done as I go.

This is getting quite wordy, so I shall go away and have a wee check on twitter before heading to bed. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I appreciate your time cat.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Millennial Problems 

So here we go into the 4th, is it 4, I think it's the 4th recession but maybe it's 3rd. I have lost count, it's unique to those of us who are called Millennials that we have had all of these before we were in our 40s.

I came out of Uni just as the 2008 banking crisis happened, trying to get a job was a shit show, the job centre had no interest in my degree or job preferences in my area there were waitressing jobs or working in a shop. I had years of experience working with folk with mental illness and a history degree that I wanted to use but they didn't care.

I so hope in the future no one is under the illusion that the Job centres created by the Department of work and pensions was anything other than a shit show. They are directly responsible for peoples deaths, where people couldn't afford to store their meds in a cold place so they died, or they couldn't afford to eat so they starved.

They sanctioned people just to keep up with their statistics that were forced upon them by whoever was leading the department, if they didn't have a reason to do so they made up one. Folk have literally frozen to death, in and outside of their homes because they were penniless.

My grandad could never believe the type of poverty he had been born into was still occurring and I think that is probably not an uncommon thing for some people. Although I find it so hard to understand how those of us who are online or live in a town or city rather than a village can honestly hide the suffering of others from their mind. It just doesn't compute in my mind.

In other news, twitter is in meltdown because a Billionaire can't understand that he needs people to make things work. I hope it survives, I get so much enrichment from using the website and I get a lot of information about what is happening around the world from it. I love Tumblr because it's a great escape for me, I can fill my feed with lovely things and some politics and of course I decided to write this, a sort of footprint that I was once on this earth and my voice existed but Twitter is important to me too.

I wonder what folk will be using to communicate in years to come, this stuff is probably just going to be looked at by history students and no one else because it will seem so outdated!

The North and NE of Scotland has been getting battered by the weather the last few days, storm force winds and now flooding is causing havoc, apparently someone was swept away in the Don when they were out trying to get their dog. Please don't take your dog out on a walk by a raging river, that is just bananas.

I haven't seen too much on the news about folks around the world, it's been mostly domestic because there are so many strikes happening or about to, I do hope they have a general strike and get this Government to fuck.

I did see a cease fire has been called in Ethiopia, the Americans had their Mid-term elections and the Democrats held the Senate but lost the House, which was not what was expected but then when you ban health care for more than half the population you are going to get some backlash. Trump is panning to run again for Presidency but he is in the middle of about 8 lawsuits and criminal investigations so hopefully the only house he makes it into is one with bars on the windows.

Ukraine is still holding their own against Russia but as the war rolls on no one wins, not the Ukrainians or the Russian conscripts. It's just death, darkness and misery. There are never any winners in war.

The World Cup tournament for football is going on in Qatar another country famous for their human rights violations but many folk are boycotting the telly/ the games. I am sure there will be some protests from the players and the fans.

The Iranian protests continue, their cause is righteous and I do hope it will turn out good, but they are facing a brutal regime and many have payed with their lives for the challenge. Another case in the long history of people twisting the words of a religion to control people.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Highs and Lows 

It was 17"c in Scotland today, in November, which is almost unthinkable. Tis Midnight on Friday 11th of Nov, which is Armistice day, the day remembers the ending of the Great War (World War 1) which ended on Thur 11th 1919 at 11am. The wee motto that went with it was "Never again" which lasted sooooo well.

It actually pisses me off that people still say it, like that bridge was crossed mere decades after the initial war, let's stop pretending otherwise. The red poppy is a symbol often worn, because the fields in France grew poppies as the land began its recovery. Some were white poppies as a symbol against war which I much prefer, not that I wear either now.

We are in the middle of a gale, it's not been too bad here actually but it's stronger the more exposed you are to the Atlantic so I am glad I'm not in the Hebrides atm. We had planned to go to Gran and Grandad's grave today but the weather made us decide against it, which is disappointing but grandad would have wanted us to be safe and we couldn't risk being stuck because of a tree downed with the cats at home.

Nursing staff across the countries in the UK have decided to strike for the first time ever (possible exception is N.Ireland who may have striked previously) Teaching staff look the next to strike, I am still hoping for a general strike to sort this mess of a Government out.

Did I tell you we had another new Prime minister? First person who is of Indian decent, he was born in Southhampton so he's 2nd Gen but really it doesn't matter except it's a first. Sadly the man is as incompetent as any of the other Tories he works with. Not that we got a vote as to who would be prime minister, full fascism that's what it is.

We are in the process of repacking the Halloween decs and bringing down Christmas ones, the Xmas decs really help to combat the misery of the darkening days and the mental exhaustion from the time change back an hour into GMT time. I love Christmas in a totally secular way. For me it's a celebration of light, of our favourite things, of nature of family and friends. I adore getting gifts for folk, I am not as much a fan of wrapping though, I used to be but it's so much harder now my back is so sore. We have a buffet of party food for Xmas dinner, when dad was still alive mum would make a roast chicken and do the more formal thing but I am not a huge fan of it. We used to have a roast every Saturday so it wasn't special and it was so formal it just wasn't me.

On Christmas Eve I get dressed up in something Xmas themed and do some nice makeup and mum and I drive about the area looking at the lights, listening to Christmas music and then we might get a takeaway or do party food nibbles. On Christmas Day we get up when we get up, have a cup of tea, sort the cats food and chill in our PJ's until we want to open the presents. Then we have another cup of tea, sort out the recycling from the rubbish and have breakfast. When we had Heather our Collie (border and Sheltie mix) we would take her a Christmas walk but now we tend to stay settled and watch a film or read or whatever. Then for tea we have our buffet and we just enjoy each others company.

Hogmanay, I used to go out with friends, actually I used to meet my best friend (for many years, now not) on Christmas Eve as I lived too far away to see them on Xmas Day which was the thing folk would do when I was a teen particularly, all meet up on Xmas day, but I could never join in and felt awfully left out. So we started that tradition on Xmas eve where we would swap gifts and head to the pub. Mum would have to pick me up because transport stopped at 6pm initially then later 10pm.

Hogmanay we used to meet and go out with a group of friends to wherever and after dad died, I would ask mum to meet me just after the bells and go home early with her because I didn't want her to be on her own into the New Year. Now I've lost most of my friends so I don't have the opportunity because of disability and higher standards for behaviour, it's awfully hard to make good friends as an adult, particularly as a disabled one. Though to be honest I had been scunnered with the drinking culture years ago so I would prefer to be home with mum anyway.

Mum and I stay up to the bells, calm the cats down from the inevitable fireworks and then open a door to let the old year out and the new year in. We never had first footers, we lived so far away from my parents friends and we don't have any close neighbours as such. We were never physically close to my grandparents either.

Although we did tend to go see my Granny Coulter on Boxing Day which is December the 26th, I remember one year there was a wicked storm, trees falling all around us as we drove back home from Dundee where Granny still lived, it's 100 miles exactly from where she lived to us, and that night when we got home the windows in our living room which are huge 6ft by 9ft were shaking so hard it was quite scary.

I've been a bit battered physically recently, first with my shoulder blade being injured and painful, my knee clunked sometime last week and has been swollen and sore since. My back still is a problem, still haven't heard form the Dr, I'm thinking maybe next week I should hear from him, if not I may send another email to remind him I would like my MRI results back, I so hope there is something that shows why my upper back has been in agony since 2018 and why it hasn't healed and that its something that can be fixed easily.

Still apart from the first day of my shoulder blade injury, when I couldn't dress myself without help, it hasn't dampened my mood too much. I think the trick is really just to live in the moment, not to worry about the future and not to mope about the things that I have missed out on or been unable to complete. Although I do on occasion ruminate, but when I see how much of my Youth has been robbed either by mental illness or physical illness I just feel so angry and frustrated It really doesn't help.

I am where I am and I ain't where I ain't.

I quite pride myself on still being of a rather sunny disposition, although I am tired a lot more often. Disability has stolen a lot but it hasn't taken my good nature.

Midnight is watching me, I wonder if he is thinking "go to bed Freyja, I want to relax in peace". I had best end this here then, I am sure you will hear from me soon, yelling my thoughts and stories into the void for your amusement.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Tis Hallow'een

Hello cat, how are you tonight? It's the morning of the 31st Oct 2022 and I have spent the last 3 days with a gnarly shoulder blade injury that burned like a bitch.

Today, which again is in fact yesterday but I kid on it isn't to not tie myself in knots. The left seem to have one in Brazil which is lovely, the country deserves to do well, it's been too long interfered with by the Americans and other Nations that like to use it as a pawn. I hope they grow into a much more stable nation and that many wrongs are righted for the people.

Also today there was a domestic terrorist attack on a refugee "Migrant processing centre" (as the press like to term it) centre. I don't think anyone was seriously injured except the perpetrator who took his life after throwing three IED's with fireworks attached to them. The amount of hatred stirred up by the Tory press and others against refugees and incoming migrants is matched only by the same rhetoric falling out the mouths of Conservative and other right wing political parties. It's hardly surprising this is the result.

You know, if the Gov had any sense they would accept the refugees and get them help if they need it medically, psychologically etc and then let them work and contribute to the country they have claimed asylum in, which would add massively to society as a whole but that is just too much good sense for them. There are games to be played out of the life of such desperate people and I despise it.

We also lost a gentleman called Leslie Jordan who was a fine comedic actor and from what I saw of him and what those who knew him say a total darling and ray of sunshine. I rarely get upset when a celebratory dies but this one hit me, there was a lot of love for him shared in the last week.

I am still waiting for my results, although I did receive an email saying that the doctor was on annual leave so hopefully he is back soon and my results show something, preferably something fixable. Although as I was reminded this week, even if it is fixable I am not going to be cured of the hEDS and will still get injuries. The difference of course is that the newest one has lasted less than a week and is already healing, my upper back has been screaming at me since 2018 and still hasn't stopped!

I am looking forward to today though, hopefully I can get out and about for a wee while, but even if I don't I am sure it will be a fun day with mum.

Off to bed I go, until next time. x

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Questions

I have a question, if Boris Johnson is actually re-elected by Conservative party members is it possible to fling them all in the void?

I just, pauses because the wave of confusion is real, I just have no idea if these MPs are anarchists, demented, stupid...

They are certainly Psychopaths but this is a new level of low. I am hoping there will be a general strike or a full out revolt, this is full Fascism with one party in power, denying us the right to vote and just cycling through their own people when they realise the populous at large is not willing to be pushed beyond a point. Thankfully they don't have the military on their side or we would be in for some real, real horrible shit.

Food is up 14% and the rest of inflation is sitting at 10%. Heating and electricity is up maybe 80% for some, thankfully we've had a very mild winter so far (Global warming) and the "Government" haven't decided if they are going to raise welfare pay in line with inflation. There is outbreaks of Diphtheria in asylum "Housing", I put that in quotes because they are forced to sleep in tents where the outbreak occurred and many more are in prison type settings which is so fucking disgraceful. We are being warned about possible blackouts and electricity shutdowns in the new year because they don't have enough gas, they are trying to frack again despite the geology being totally unsuited for it, never mind the horrible environmental consequences and earthquakes that it causes. They are trying to rip up EU regulations on wildlife and ecology, EU working time directives, because exhausted workers are so much more productive (yes, sarcasm). The last Home Secretary tried to put in legislation to arrest people who are suspected of going to protest, yes, thought crime.

We really need to find the gene that makes psychopaths and work out how to destroy it before we destroy life on this planet.

It's just unfathomable really, yet folk keep going, we live our lives as best we can but there is a much better choice and it's not like there aren't people yelling it from the rooftop but the feudal system still exists in these countries and enough loons will look up to those doing the most damage and applaud them for it.

Still, nothing lasts forever, but it's a hefty price and there are many folk with blood on their hands. 23/Oct 2022.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

2am

Well it's after 2am

I didn't wake up until 6pm ish because I was awake until 6am that morning thanks to pain. It's been a pain week Cat, oh, it's the 13th of October, a Thursday.

Anyway, I don't have much news, still waiting on my MRI results, although I did email the consultant asking him for them, that may improve the likelihood of getting the results.

In terms of the wider world, Truss is still PM, we are still in a messed up economy, prices are too high and wages are too low. I haven't been keeping abreast of much going on internationally, just been too sore and tired.

I did actually get out yesterday, I had a chiropody appointment, which was fine, it was good to chat to someone new but my big toe is pretty messed up, it wasn't great before, antibiotics may be the answer although I detest them, they really wreck my body.

Anyway, I went to Loch Lomond shores to pop into the shoe shop there, mum got some lovely boots and I got to listen to my music and enjoy the autumn landscape. We did go to Pets at home and B&M then Asda after, which was fun but my did I pay for it. I just enjoy the time out with mum and seeing new things and going places. Oh did I say I got my chair back? It started working again on its own, which is fine with me.

I would really like to spend some good time in a park somewhere, and just drink in all the Autumnal goodness while it is here, the seasons fly by and I may have the chance weather and body depending to get to Rouen Glen park and garden centre tomorrow, who knows what tomorrow will bring though, I will find out when I meet it and not concern myself with it until then. That's how I keep myself sane!

I should really take myself off to bed, I am hesitant to because I seem to have adrenalin running and I feel both anxiously awake and quite tired. Chronic illness is a trip, often you find yourself a living contradiction and because the way that the NHS is set up and Gov priorities, the research and help just isn't there for folk, many of who live with much more difficult things than me.

Anyway, I am rambling Güten nacht.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Thoughts

It's another 1:35am post cat, 27th Sept 2022.

So the pound is crashing, thanks to the tax cuts in England and Wales that the Tory Chancellor decided to do. Italy just voted in a fascist and in Iran there are protests by mainly women about the persecution they are facing re the morality police for not wearing the hijab correctly. Hurricane Ian is due to hit Florida in the US and the war roles on in Ukraine. Pakistan is still underwater in large parts, there are provocateurs stirring up religious tension in England between Muslims and Hindus with some Sikhs getting caught up in it all. I have no idea what is going on in the African continent, I do know that a massive typhoon has hit the Philippines and that both Alaska and the Eastern parts of Canada have declared states of emergency due to the pounding taken by different hurricanes. There was a school shooting in Russia today (yesterday) and Russians are still fleeing their country because they don't want to be drafted into a war they didn't ask to happen (don't blame them at all). Oh also, the newly elected Colombian President (Or PM, I'm not sure) has said they have lost the war on drugs (no shit) and his country has been decimated by it (no lies detected) and it seems that in general he is left leaning and going to do some sensible things (Don't hold me to that though), in fact a lot of the South American countries are heading left which is a pleasant direction to see them headed lets hope their country folk get some respite from the previous American tasting dictators. Sadly Europe seems to be swinging far right and survival of the species requires inter-national working, not something fascists are too keen on really.

Honestly given the past few decades the world could do without fascism really.

Myself, I am still waiting on my MRI results. I may be picking up my chair tomorrow because it seems to be magically working again?!? I also had a wee night out to see Kevin Bridges with mum - pics are on Instagram- you have that in the void right?

Everything feels like a rather big mess when you look at human doings, history shows it was ever thus, still it stings more as you live through it.

Social media really shows us the divide between everyday life in my little glen and the shenanigans of human politics and the trials and tribulations so many face. The peace here and the nonsense there, it just seems so removed, at least we have some idea of what is happening outside our glens but gosh if I don't feel impotent in the face of it all.

Back to scrolling twitter and listening to Youtube for me cat, I do hope you are doing well in the void. We shall speak soon no doubt.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

New day, same shit.

It's 7:15 am and I have been awake for hours because I was itching thanks to the tramadol. I have an appointment later today at 2ish and I have to wash my hair and get a bath so I honestly don't know whether to go back to bed or not. I originally planned to get up at 11am so that would be what, just under 4 hours sleep.

Sleep is so important and it's just so annoying that the one day that I have an appointment I don't get any.

I think it's also the not knowing what to do for the best. Do you stay in pain or do you take the painkillers and deal with the side-effects? Do you go out to a thing for an evening and face the pain and fatigue the next few days or do you stay in and miss out? Do you push yourself to go food shopping or just let someone else pick the food out.

I find myself constantly second guessing my decisions and honestly not knowing what to do. Mum helps me keep my head on straight, thankfully. Also my wheelchair is broken again and god knows how easy it will be to fix, if it's anything like last time I will be in the house for the next 4-5 months.

I had my MRI done, but who knows if there's anything that will show up on the scan and even if there is who knows if anything can be done about it. I am not getting up nor down about it because there is honestly no way of knowing what will come from it.

I just realised I could always cancel my appointment but that is an awfully guilt inducing experience in itself. I used to pride myself on being dependable but now it's just not possible, it's why I don't work, why I haven't finished my second Uni course, It's why I scream into this here void so often.

I've lost the energy to say much more, too tired, so I'm just going to stare blankly until I decide what I'm going to do.

[ayeforscotland]

Looks like there was a meteor in Glasgow tonight which is pretty funky.

[ayeforscotland]

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Midnight and Meteor's

Well, it's close to 2:30am on Thursday the 15th of September

I am listening to the weekly skews podcast on Youtube and Etti is lying on her soft blanket sleeping, Midnight is on his heater seat between the living and dining room.

Here's a wee run down of the past few days, I got a letter on Monday saying my MRI scan is on Friday which is super quick, sadly it's private which is how I've managed to get most of the health stuff done for me because apparently having awful back pain for 3 years isn't top of the list in fixing. It's your hEDS blah blah blah, you need physio (I went to physio, apparently their way to fix my upper back is by working on my core 🙄) just the usual bullshit that so many people with chronic illnesses/disabilities face. The NHS is great for acute medicine but awful for chronic things, the funding and structure and research just isn't there.

Midnight was sick on Tuesday, a few times, ending in the foamy stuff which concerned us but we knew things weren't right a few hours later when Etti started hissing at him. I think she is scared when she smells he is sick and her anxiety comes out as aggression. We kind of decided that we would see how the lad was in the morning and if needed call the vet.

Tuesday night I had my last Community Council meeting, which is bitter sweet. I joined in 2017 (I think) with the aim of helping the community and making some friends and I'm really not sure how well either turned out, certainly I didn't really make any friends, I was the youngest there by at least a decade though.

Mum and I were quite anxious that night because we realised it was likely the pancreas again and we did not want Midnight to suffer or feel horrid at all, I was worried that Etti would go for him, which she hasn't yet, I did hear M having some biscuits and water about 4am ish so after that I fell asleep,

Wednesday mum called the vet and they agreed to give him some meds so she went off and got them, M was upstairs in his hidey spot and Etti was really wanting to snuggle with me which I didn't mind. I did have to scoop her up and lock her in the loo with me while mum was trying to coax M out to get his meds though, he took them and felt better, ate, got tummy rubbles from me and chilled with us for the day. Then about 10ish this evening I saw what I thought was a white flair flying over the house and I jumped onto my feet wondering wtf was happening. I realised it was glowing green at the head so thought maybe it was a silent firework, turns out it was a meteor but I only realised that when I went on twitter.

Otherwise there's been some batshit things happening including people being arrested for holding signs against the monarchy or shouting at the known Paedophile Prince Andrew. How horrifying that in the UK(s) we can't have an opinion without being arrested!!!

The king fired his staff at the first opportunity, Norwich council tried to close a bike rack because it's in mourning!? Centre Parc's fucked up and tried to kick it's patrons out on the day of the funeral then told them they can stay but aren't allowed out their lodges.

Ukraine seems to be kicking Russia's arse, but given the state of the Russian army and army supplies that's not actually surprising. We should be so past this kind of warmongering but here we are. The World Met Org has put out a report showing how behind we are in stopping a 2'c rise, never mind a 1.5'c. I mean it's been 18/19 deg here in September and that seems so wrong to me. We are well into Autumn here on the west coast and it should not be this warm.

Do you know what feels so unreal to me, in 15 years I will be 50, 50!!!! I really feel like my bodies misadventures have just swiped my Youth right away. I kind of spiralled, wondered if I would ever have a family or be well enough to work. I feel a bit like the socialite daughter of a duke or something, not needing to work to survive because my family has wealth enough for me to survive on, except I don't do any socialising and am disabled and chronically unwell... I really feel so guilty about the circumstances I find myself in, despite having no say in any of it. I am grateful that my mum did a job she loved that happened to be well paid and it has allowed me to be in these circumstances. I am painfully aware how fortunate I am so it's this weird thing where you try to walk the line between gratitude at this and guilt that so many don't have the same help.

I literally have no plans for my life, every time I made one something happened that swiped it all away. Whether it was wanting to do something with History or later Primary school teaching and then Counselling. I started to do the work and then Bam sickness, then Bam someone else is dying/dead. It's been non-stop, I was watching a funeral director show on Netflix and the guy was Irish in Eire and said that most people encounter death every 11 years, I wish!!!

Now poor Shuggie is sick, that's my dad's bff. He has lung cancer, likely stage 3 and I so hope his cancer is treatable. He is such a lovely soul and he has had a tough time of it, particularly the last few years, he lost a sister to Covid and then another to a Brain aneurism so close to each other. His wife Irene is a darling, she is so talented, she could make anything, really she is brilliant like that. Their two kids Grant and April are fab too, poor April is in NZ and would love to come home, but she can't afford to because her husband is not a UK citizen which is just awful, I really can't imagine how difficult this must all be for her.

I know we all have a time to die, but he is only 72 and it just feels so awful. He's a fighter though, he's had to be, so I hope he pulls through and lives a long life into his 90s and beyond.

It's certainly been a week Cat.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

QE/QE2

So the queen is dead

It was officially announce at 6:30pm by Buckingham Palace, the actual time of her death was earlier in the afternoon but they wanted to wait until all senior members of the royal family had arrived in Balmoral, her private estate where she died in Scotland.

And so the madness begins.

I do feel sorry for the family, friends and household of Elizabeth Windsor. It hurts when someone you love dies and to have to go through with the whole pomp around it is draining enough when you aren't catering to thousands or millions of people.

However the monarchy is not just a family, it is a business, and this business has been mired in blood for centuries. Whether at home or abroad so much pain has been caused by this institution and it needs to be dismantled and the wrongs need to be addressed.

Has that happened yet, dear reader?

My dad used to work for the queen, and they paid him a pittance, so he left. He was a gardener in Buckingham Palace I believe. The amount of wildlife crimes related to the Royals is unreal, never mind the actual crimes against people, books are filled with them. No doubt more should have been written.

We enter 10 days of mourning, which means the telly and many radio stations are taken over by the news and no comedy is to be shown and there will be many religious services across the 4 "home" nations and no doubt the common wealth. Then a state funeral and a state coronation will take place. The Governments can't sit through these 10 days, which is a great way to delay addressing any of the real problems of fuel and food poverty that are increasing at this moment.

Given the announcement by our new PM Liz Truss on her "energy plan" which involves building more nuclear power stations, starting fracking again, opening more oil and gas fields (They only run out when us Scot's want Independence) and having the total energy cap rise to 2.5 thousand (K) pounds. I am not too disappointed at the disruption.

I also see that the Railway and Postal strikes have been called off. I imagine the solicitors will also pause their strikes, which is a shame because I now believe that only a general strike will really cause the Westminster Gov to make any reasonable changes to stop people dying cold and miserable deaths.

So that is where we are at, on this day, the 8th September 2022 the Elizabethan age ends.

What awaits us as the Autumn continues we will come to find out, if only the death of so many people from the age of Austerity and with the Covid Pandemic carried the same weight on the Nations as the death of a monarch, the world would surely be a better place.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

The nights

The nights are fairly drawing in is a cliché, I know, that doesn't make it untrue.

Autumn made her presence known a few weeks ago, and she is going about her business as always. I always loved Autumn, if I had a daughter I would namer her that, Autumn Rose Coulter.

The darkness makes you think of the light, and you long for what you are loosing, another cliché.

I get excited when I see the Chestnuts growing, fattening, ready soon to drop. The smell of the air changes, when folk used fires the smoke would hang in the air on an Autumn morning and just add to that delicious smell. In winter it mixes with the frost and if I could bottle it and wear it I would.

I love seeing the Trees coats change and the leafs dance and fall in showers. I love the way the dew makes cobwebs glisten so and in the frost they are even more enchanting. I love that our attention goes to light wether it's Hallow 'een or Bonfire night or Diwali or Christmas we light up our homes and our gardens and invite all.

I love the crunch of the leaves of frost, the loch makes everything sound so much sharper too, unless the mist or fog rolls in, then it dampness all who dare to enter.

It's after Christmas and Hogmanay that the darkness is harder to bear, despite its slow retreat. We don't have many celebrations that we can shine our light into. Yes there is Burns night and Valentines Day but these don't hold the same pull that they used too, maybe it's the changing face of communities, families separated by streets now separated by miles.

Maybe it was always more difficult to live with the light returning in a pace that feels so painfully slow, Certainly it can be more difficult to heal than to descend into the pain.

In the Nordic countries I have heard they talk about the two winters, the white winter is the first and the blue the second. This hasn't much to do with snow I think, but with this understanding that after the celebrations the light feels more restrained, even though it is returning about 4 minuets a day. Spring can feel like an eternity away in January and February.

Still these are thoughts for later into the New Year, for now I am going to enjoy Autumn as she unfurls before us. As the owls screech and the eiders wallow and the daylight waxes into darkness, the tints of colour flashing in the leaves, for sure, the nights are fairly drawing in.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Another Dark Age Mystery

HI Cat, you know I was thinking

That Samual Pepys I am not, although I wish I was because then this little side blog of mine could be useful to folk in the future. But then I was thinking, will anything of the internet survive in the future?

Like, if there was a disaster, natural or man-made, would whoever survived be able or even want to come back to this technology. I had initially thought this would be an interesting archive for folk hundreds of years in the future but what if it simply vanishes, like dust in the wind.

It's entirely possible that folk in the dark ages had their own form of twitter and nobody knows a thing about it, I find that quite a funny thought. It wasn't dark like lack of light there is just no written records and so much of our documentation exists online that if we disappear who would know, aside from yourself of course cat, the void exists well out of time and space as we know it.

Well let me see, what would I tell someone 500 years in the future about life right now, well in Scotland we are still agitating for a new Independence vote, although it's taking its damn time...

We have 50 year high inflation, the price of food, heating and fuel is high and as a result people will suffer and die. The welfare state is crumbling because of Tory neglect and "New Labour" (read central right) before them thinking a wee bit of privatisation here and there couldn't possibly be a bad thing. Disability benefits, the old age pension and unemployment benefits are too low to live in anything but poverty, check your history books to see how many people they killed with those and the horrors of calling someone terminally ill fit to work etc.

Libraries are closing, they may open them for "heat hubs" though. The education system is still being taught as if we are Victorians being prepared for the mills and factories, completely out dated and in need of reform. There aren't enough houses for people to live in, there are still people who are queer phobic and Trans People have become the new thing to get cross about, in the early 00's it was people on Benefits, see Benefit Britain for further info. Also Fascism is rising again, so there's that.

The Satanic panic is also back, vailed by Qanon, whose threads are all in the far right and directly link to people thinking vaccines are bad, which leads me to the rising rates of Polio, Measles, Mumps, rickets and other diseases making a resurgence and because English water suppliers have been pumping shit into the rivers and sea no doubt we will soon see a return of Cholera, Typhus and other such delights.

Oh, we still have Covid 19 and MonkeyPox which is not a STI although it is more prevalent in the queer community, particularly among men or AMAB folk.

The UK Gov is an international Joke, they are notably absent from helping with all of the above. America's last president seems determined to spend his last years in prison, and good luck to him I say! There have been terrible floods with the Monsoon that follow exceptionally high temps earlier this year in the Sub-Indian continent, China is in Drought, Europe is in Drought, large parts of North America are in Drought.

Famine is rife in Africa, not helped by the war in Ukraine which Putin seems determined to continue despite having lost in the international stage. The footage from Ukraine, like most wars, is awful.

I can't speak much to African countries or South American ones because they rarely turn to them in our news, I know that South Africa has had trouble, as has Nigeria and the war between the Gov and the Tigray people has just resumed. I know that some South American countries are trying to come together over things going on in Argentina and I know that America has fucked over these countries because "Communism bad".

I don't know much about the goings on in Australia or New Zealand either or Japan and other countries in the Pacific, again we get little to no news about these areas unless you go looking for it on news websites. I also don't know much about what is happening in the Middle East aside from the Afghan generalities we are given. I also know there is no legitimate way for people to get to asylum in the UK from these areas, hence the treacherous dingy crossings and people smuggling.

I also know there are good things going on, science progressing slowly, people doing wonderful things and the fact we've made it this far into history shows there is more good folk than bad. This is a basic overlay of the "Oh shit" things of the day. Remember Mr Pepys I am not.

So many people have lived before me, many more will (maybe) live after me. Not a lot of us get recorded, but believe me you still matter. How you treat others matters, how you treat the earth and the living being on it matters. Even if you don't get your name recorded in the annuls of history, you still matter.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Death care in the afternoon

Oh help, I just cried all over my glasses and now I can't clean the damn things. I was busy writing about my death care, not that I am planning on dying any time soon, but I am one to be organised. I think what really got me was not my feelings around death etc but how much I will miss the loved ones and things that have not died yet. How I hope to still be around in some way, the same as my ghosts are with me.

Anyway, for those enquiring minds, I wish to not be embalmed, to not have my mouth sewn shut, rather just a piece of material keeping my jaw closed, I don't want makeup but I do want my brows tidy and my hair clean and I just want a simple organic white dress or shimmy.

I would like to be either composted or a green burial IF I can still have a grave like monument somewhere that states I existed, I also fancy having a chestnut tree and wildflowers grown above me.

If I can only get a monument in a traditional cemetery then I want to be Aquamated or Cremated, in a cardboard coffin with a nice river and river bank scene or a woodland scene.

When I am dying I would like to be at home, in my room, with the windows open so I can hear the birds and comings and goings in the glen and listen to the loch and I would like my loved one near. I asked that they consider getting help if needed like an overnight carer or nursing care at home as I want them to be as well as possible during the transition.

I have no idea what happens after one dies, I know having seen and smelt the ghosts of my loved ones, as well as a few strangers when out and about, that something survives but I don't know the what's, why's, how's about it all.

it would be nice if there was such a thing as heaven, not a christian one, that would be awful, rather a heaven where all other sentient life hangs out and good people get to go too. The bad humans have to work on their shit before coming near the good ones and everything else.

I think I would be quite disappointed if there was a god or gods because they would have a LOT of explaining to do, that's for damn sure.

Anyway, I also stated they can spend as much time with my body as they like, wash it, sing to it, whatever. I will try to let them know I appreciate it very much if at all possible.

You know, I have been very close to death a few times, when it's not like an accident or near miss but a medical issue that is lingering I found myself worrying not about my own death, I had done everything I could to try to stop that, but about my loved ones. I missed my mum's birthday in hospital and worried that I wouldn't get to celebrate another with her, I wondered what my friends would be feeling and if they would be ok. I worried about my little collie dog and how she would feel if I died, without being able to tell her I didn't want to, that I loved her, that I would have stayed if I could.

I didn't want to be the cause of pain for my loved ones, I certainly didn't want to die, and I didn't obviously, but it was all very touch and go for a minute.

I remember as I was wheeled down for my operation, the anaesthetist saw how poorly I was and how I was still being sick so put me to sleep in the side room. As he did so I remember being very much at peace with whatever happened, I knew my mum was close by, as was my collie dog at the time, I had done all I could and my loved ones were in no doubt about my love, so I just let go and let the surgeons get on with it.

It was actually a lovely and accepting place to be, I got rather terrified of death, dying and disease afterwards though, it certainly wasn't all roses once I had survived. I had to be treated for medical PTSD and that took its toll. Still I am in a much more balanced place again, I am no longer terrified of every little thing that goes wrong to the point of horror I once was, which is just as well given what happened afterwards with the Vestibular migraines, Achilles tendon tear and other hEDS related nonsense I live with now.

Anyway, I am rambling I think, so I am off to put on Youtube and play a game on my phone. Not that my vision is great, thanks to the tears mucking up my glasses and my dyspraxia attempts to clean them making it much worse!

Take care Cat.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

This wasn't some magical dream

I had such a vivid nightmare the other day, I was in a park, not one I recognise but there were folk around, a couple were vlogging that I noticed.

I remember thinking I wanted some water and there was an icy parked up selling the usual ice creams and whatnot so I headed towards it and it kind of transformed into a cafe which sat on the top of quite a steep hill.

The lassie in the couple was up on the hill too, I saw she was wearing some sort of fabletics looking get up, with a green sports bra and green bottoms they were like a mint leaf colour, it looked lovely compared to her brown skin, she was quite tall and her hair was down and she was talking to her camera. I could see her fella down at the bottom of this hill in the lower part of the park, looking up at her.

Something happened, like she stumbled a little and I remember her saying something like "that's me done", but maybe she didn't say that, I could have added that afterwards.

She did say she was going home to get changed, she had a black outfit in mind, I saw it, the top was a broad strap tank top with black bead accents and a pair of black jeans, but she changed her mind, saying to the camera that her outfit now would be better because her fella wouldn't like the colour in the casket and that would be funny.

I didn't really know what she meant by that, it didn't make sense to me at all. The next minute she turns her back to the ledge of this steep hill face and does this incredibly graceful backwards swan like dive, right off the hill.

The movement was so enchanting and well executed I didn't realise that she was preforming a sort of swan song, my dream vision glided down with her, she had the camera in her hand and was looking in to it as she dived down. It was only after a minute of falling that I actually realised what was happening, this wasn't some magical dream, this girl was falling at an alarming rate.

My point of view changed, I was back on the hill looking out and down to the folk below, looking at her boyfriend. The colour had drained out of his face, his hair was sharply black in contrast to his pale skin and then I was back, falling, with the girl in the green.

Horror had started to flood through my body at this point, I could feel the adrenalin, how was she still falling, it's like time had slowed so much it all felt unreal, then I thought to myself I can't do this, I can't watch this, I have to get down and do something. I looked over to the right, where the rock face was grey-brown, smooth although in places there were cracks. I didn't see the landing, but I felt it, my whole body jolted as if it was me that had jumped.

I woke up right after that, none of this was real, it wasn't based on anything I had seen or knew of happening myself but it clung to me, like oil. I keep seeing this vibrant lassie in green on top of that hill talking to the camera and wondering what any of this means, if it has a meaning.

Do I have a friend who is in trouble? Is this some weird part of my Psyche telling me something? Does my brain like to torture me? Is this some weird hangover from the PTSD or Depression?

That vision of her has stuck with me all day, not her death, but her alive and talking to the camera. I retell it not to make a spectacle of a suicide, but to wonder what is going on with me, why does my mind keep replaying that same part. I often have nightmares about people I love getting hurt, this was different in that I didn't know this person. It still hurt though, it felt real, very real and these things are hard to brush off.

I hope nightmares are a uniquely human thing, the thought of it happening to any other sentient being is awful. I actually think it's part of the reason I am typing this chat, instead of going to bed, it's 1:06am and I need to be up early but I realise I've been putting it off.

Suppose I had better get ready and go to bed, hanging about won't make it any less likely that I will have another nightmare after all. Thanks for taking the time to hear me out and let me try and work it all out a little bit cat.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

My Ghosts don't hide

My ghosts don't hide in the attic

They run in-between my legs

No ghostly nun's in habits

Just a gentle breeze as I fall asleep

And I can still feel you

When I reach out my hand

I don't need to close my eyes to see you

Your imprinted on my heart

Your voice may have faded but your scent fills the room

And It reminds me that you see everything that I've been going through

I don't understand it

I don't feel like I need to though

I am just grateful that even though

We lost you so long ago

You came back just to show that love is stronger

It never fails to grow

My ghosts don't hide in the attic

They sit with me in the sun

They help me to carry on