January- Enough excuses Part 1- writing
Having deleted paragraphs of writing, this attempt will be much more brief.
I have struggled to post publicly because don’t enjoy writing, mostly because I think I’m no good at it. I consider myself a scientist, but don’t have any evidence for this statement against my own writing abilities. I just have never understood what “good writing” looks like or what a “well written piece” reads like.
The problem starts when to adopt not being good at X as your identity. I didn’t do well in English at school (relative to the sciences) and realised in university I am dyslexic. I have been wearing this label as an excuse, but generally don’t see it as a disability for most of my interactions in life and I don’t know any different. How could I possibly know that non-dyslexic children were wasting brainpower on learning to spell hundreds of words when I just learnt to spell phonetically and then learned the few words that were exceptions. If I was Greek, I believe my dyslexia would be completely undetectable as English appears to be the most inconsistent language for pronunciation to spelling. Anyway I plan not to use this label as an excuse any longer.
While I am not planning to set goals I do want to set an intention for each month this year. January is enough excuses. I want focus on processes rather than targets and develop habits to do the things that I want to stick with.
Having committed to finding my voice I needed a way to develop the habit of writing regularly and publicly, but I realise my inner critic and holding onto the dyslexic identity are holding me back.
I had a conversation with my oldest and dearest friend, who is the best academic mind I know and has just published his first book. I asked him about writing and he did not describe a joyous and easy process. He also admitted to more anxiety as publication approached as the final submission opens you up to your critics. When I asked why he likes writing he explained he was concerned with the using the correct words to convey the meaning of something. In a way this made “good writing” sound more scientific and I am sure that there are rules of writing I never learned. For me this may well be a blessing in disguise as preoccupation with following a structure and creating a piece with a beautiful form will mean my voice is never heard.
Sometimes forming habits is about letting go of identities. This is discussed in the miminimalists podcast with James Clear.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zbyjOQ5NOM&t=0s&index=4&list=PLy69MfeMEjglNtrWW03ZT9cZfnoGOsmc8
So no more excuses. I don’t know when I would consider myself a writer, but I am now someone on a writing journey. I hope that the ramblings that I put out will make for an enjoyable read in this time next year.