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I’m only writing to because of my dreams, I’ve only had two but they’re kinda weird. The first one was on Friday, I was just minding my own business when Kennia tells me to go with her to the front porch. No words are ever spoken but that is how things are. We get there and I look at her like ‘what?’ She says nothing and simply smiles, that’s when I see it, I see him turn the corner onto this street. I look in amazement, he walked those 5.3 miles once again for me. That’s when I know what’s going on and I know I technically say yes. (He was wearing a white t-shirt, shorts, and he had big hair for some reason.) The second one was a bit more confusing

It's been a while and in a way I'm glad it has been, you know I only write when I'm down. Well anyway... Things are still technically the same, nothing has actually changed. There are still times in which I feel alone or out of places (I forgot what the word for that was called) but you know that it's the future that keeps me going. That scares me though, this is the labyrinth (maze that is life?) what if this is all there is too my life? I feel like I'll be stuck here the whole time and that I've ever wanted, all that I've strived will seize to be. I am not happy, I am alone on all this. I have no friends or family to help me on what I need. I admit that what I feel does have to do with a bit of jealously. A certain someone always seems to get what she wants without doing much work while I on the other hand don't get much. I know I shouldn't be thinking that because I understand that time has a lot to do with all this but I can't help it. I wish things were cliche, because that way things would make sense in this world but as Blair said "Turns out fairy tales end when they do because it's over". In a way, he caused all this. He made me realize that I was always lonely, I just got used to it. Which is why when he left I resent it so much. He said he wished I'd talk to him more but how can I. A part of me will always love him, whether I like it or not. I want to text him and for things to be a little like how they used to be but I know that it's not right for me to do that because I will only end up hurting myself. There will always be two sides of me when it comes to him. I simply miss feeling loved...

He texted me the other day, he said "have an awesome winter break" and replied "may you have one as well." He does this to me every time, but it simply proves that I'm getting better. It also proves that he wants me close but not too close, since he knows I'm the remedy to his poisoned soul. He of course doesn't want to be cured so I guess I'll let him suffer on his own.

Yesterday was would have been our day... I admit that I cried. I thought of all could have happened, all I would have had planned, everything we could have done. He would have liked it, I know he would have. It hurts that he didn't say anything but he's not mine anymore and I know I'll be okay. Time is my friend, it will keep me distracted. I'm going to go now or I'll start crying.

I think that's the story I'll tell my kids. I'll tell them that our love just couldn't be, as much as we wanted to be with each other we couldn't. Forbidden love is what it was, we could only take care of each other from a distance. I don't know if I'll tell them that girl was me and that the boy isn't their father, maybe one day I will.

I'm confused now, I don't know what I want. I thought I still wanted him but then I went to work and saw the guy with charcoal curls and the smile that lights up the world. The thing is though, that would be kind of impossible. Dating Michael would pretty much be illegal and maybe tough. Him on the other hand, I have no idea what to think. I keep calling him an asshole and stuff but I'm lost.

I think I'm in denial anymore but I still hope that you miss me me...at least.

somepiecesofmyheartandsoul-deac

Her friend asks her, “How do you know when you’re over someone?” “I think,” she begins, “it’s when you stop remembering the way he used to do all the things that would make you smile when you were sad, or how you’d stay up late with him, talking and laughing about everything. It’s when it no longer hits you hard when you accidentally come across his favorite TV shows, when it doesn’t hurt to hear his favorite songs on the radio.” “It’s when you feel nothing at the thought of him, when it doesn’t suffocate you to hear his name from a friend’s mouth. It’s when you stop fantasizing about him, when you stop wishing for him to come back whenever it’s 11:11.” “Instead,” she breathes, “you start to wish for your own happiness, for your own smile and none of them will have anything do with him anymore.” “So, have you gotten over him?” She stalls for a second, a bit taken aback by the sudden question. “Well,” she replies, “no, not really but I’m getting there,” “I’m almost there, I think.”

L.W. // Forgotten Words #68 // Almost (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

books-n-quotes

I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.

Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun (via poems-and-words)

Exactly how I feel

Well I'm back and there is so much to tell yet I don't want to type it. Sam got a girlfriend, I didn't expect it but I should have considering his reputation. It hurts, I don't know why but it does. I see the picture of them together and think 'She doesn't know him , she doesn't know him in the way I do. She doesn't know the tiniest of things affect him, one word can make all the difference to him. She doesn't know that he's kind of inconsiderate, he doesn't think of how that one word that he types can make a difference. She doesn't know that he physically and emotionally can't be good boyfriend. She doesn't know she needs to be hard on him. She doesn't know all he's been through (not that I do but maybe I'm close). She doesn't know him'. As I type this I realize that I was that girl once upon a time ago...the difference being that I actually still care unlike the one before me. Despite all he's done to me I still have a tiny bit of faith. Why? Because he doesn't look happy, not like when we were together, he's not smiling with his teeth. Because he's my Harry, we're Hessa. Because I want him to be my first and last. Because I now believe I can fix him, I now know the rules and have the tools. Because I believe nobody will love him as much I do. When it comes to love that part of me is broken and a piece I'll never get back is missing. He's an asshole for giving me false hope and stuff through emails.

I'm not sure if I should do this but as you can see, I did it anyway. Ever since Tuesday you have me going crazy. The hugs, the kisses, the words, and everything else put me over the edge. You know I missed you, I always have/do but of course I missed you more before that time (in comparison to when we we're together ). As the days went by I started to notice more and more your absence. I knew when you'd say one of your jokes, I knew you'd tell me to take my medication, and I knew you'd say something about scaring me. I miss all that and so much more. It got to the point were I just had to let some of it out so I wrote.

I realized that Sunday, the day after you came, that I forgot to give you some stuff. One those things being what you now have within your reach. I don't know if you need or want it but it is rightfully yours. As for the other stuff (bear, dress, and fan) I'm sure you don't want nor is it of any use to you so I'll take care of that. Unless you actually do want it, it's your choice. I didn't get that goodbye, so this is me technically saying goodbye. Overall being with you was great, amazing I should say. You once said one's first relationship is important because it sets the field for all the rest and I agree. In my point of view we went through hell. So many mistakes were made, technically more than I can count. It's because of you I'm more sure of what I want and need so thank you. I was never completely sure about anything but I was sure about you, about us.

You came over out of no where and was with me. You sat with my family for dinner even though it was awkward. We played some games when we knew we shouldn't. We, well I technically got yelled at but that's okay. I had you by my side and that was all that mattered.

#my special dreams

I saw someone and he reminded me of you. The way you sometimes wear a white v-neck, blue jeans, and that camo hat of yours. My heart stopped when I saw him, all I could think of was you.

Dear Sam,

I knew you were going to be the one to break up with me, I found out during the summer. I wish I could have had the strength to be the one to do it but I love you, I couldn’t. You hurt me so bad, I gave you everything I could. I gave you the possibility of starting fresh, with someone who had never experienced heartbreak and you took advantage of that. You cheated on me, not once but twice. You took my virginity, the purest thing on this world. Yes I let you do all that but you pushed it, you can’t deny that. You make me want to regret my choices but I don’t, it’s what I wanted at the moment.

We were supposed to protect the ones from the school. Something came towards us and you jumped off the ship into the cold water, I did the same. When he didn't come up after awhile I was about to go look for him but he came up.

#my special dreams

Dates

• November 20, 2014 - Day of the note; first day started talking • November 23, 2014 - First date • December 12, 2014 - Our date • December 26, 2014 - Our first kiss • January 19, 2015 - First time I said I love you • February 14, 2015 - Promise • March 12, 2015 - You know • May 18, 2015 - South to the East

• July 3, 2015 - The Whole Day and Stuff • July 12, 2015 - It’s Gone • October 17,2015 - It's Over

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