Just go Vaning

[justgovaning]

Sister Madness

I feel the pain of yesterdays climb seeping into my mind. The fatigue is coming back.

I drank to many beers last night.

Just a few more miles I think to myself. The weather though, I don’t know if we will make the summit. We? What the hell is your name dude? Oh shit I already for got again. Sorry man.

The sun was shining as we set out down Forest Service road 370 in the Deschutes National Forest. We had left Sparks Lake campground around 7am. Not really sure what we were getting ourselves into; neither of us had driven this road, had a map or been up this mountain. We were heading into a fun little day of figuring things out. We got lost a few times, had to make 303,854,032 point turns to get his full size pick-up turned around on those dirt roads. Avoiding washouts, ruts, down trees, wildlife and boulders. This shall be a fun morning!

Heading down trail I blaze the path and set pace, we shall make good time. Homie doesn’t hike much, hailing from southern California he’s set out on the road after getting himself in some troubles. Even more trouble actually in his travels then he’s running from back home. We get a long well.

 “Here’s to a long life and merry one,

A quick death and an easy one,

A pretty girl and a honest one,

A cold pint and another one!” – Irish Proverb.

 I am feeling the pains from yesterdays insane run. I decided to run, yep literally run up Oregon’s third tallest mountain.

I don’t fucking ever run.

I hate running.

It hurts to fucking much, I’m getting lazy.

Beer me

So we struggle upwards on the wrong path. What were on the wrong trail! Oh what the fuck man this is stupid. First we got lost on the damn road, now were on the wrong trail!

Ok, ok lets turn around. Back to the trail junction. We argue the whole time about witch way is the right path. What path are we on? Are we making the right life choices? What! Shut the hell up this isn’t the story; were climbing a freakin mountain mannn.

I have given up I am now hiking using Google maps, what the hell has happened to me! Has this become the man I am! Using freaking Google to go hiking!

Dear God, I would like to apologize for the boozing, fucking, drugging and lies I have ever told. I would also like to apologize for shit head standing next to me. I’m not sure what he’s done but he likes me, so he’s has to have fucked something up. We apologize; accept us into heaven please. Were going to die today.

Google maps is a blessing I have found the right trial! We were on it! Let’s turn around again please, I apologize. He laughs. Neither of us knows what we are doing today. But there is this mountain a head of us. Cleverly named Broken Top. It’s a volcano that erupted years back and the mountain exploded. But there is a predominate peak on the western slope and I have read a little about it. A week or two ago.

It looked like an easy scramble from the top of South Sister yesterday

Can’t be to hard?

Turns out it is more like a class 4 scramble to the summit but hey we made it! In the freakin fog! I was a bit sketched out the whole time. We chose to take the path of least resistance, so we thought. We found the ridgeline as we hiked the switchbacks up the backside of the mountain. Yesterdays fatigue is getting to me. I’m hung over, a little scared and completely lost. I know the trail is off somewhere behind me. We left it opting to take the fun route.

I made it, he made it then we both made it back to the truck. Fog rolled in as quickly as we could climb. Nothing we could do about it. We had our jackets and new it wasn’t a long haul back to the truck, no way we would be out here past sunset. Did you bring a headlamp? I forgot mine. 

[justgovaning]

Living in your van, do you ever feel alone? Is it easy for you to make friends wherever you go or are you just more of a loner?

I think I have in ways become a bit of a purposeful loner. But I do deeply love some of my friends. So I go visit. Or I make new ones along the road. Its only as lonely as you want to make it.

[justgovaning]

How does one afford to just go vaning

I worked really hard and saved my money, now I also work seasonally and save again.

[justgovaning]

Yosemite

Focusing on events that have stood out in my life leading me to this wander-full life is important. Not focusing on the negative is even more important.

[justgovaning]

[justgovaning]

I find a lot of joy and smiles in flipping through my photos, reading stories of past events and remembering faces. One of those events that has shown through more times then any other was my trip into Yosemite National Park. In my journals you would read through my day-to-day life, the up’s and downs of each event. But as you scroll down through the pages of run-on writing you will find pages and pages of passages about events. Such as the summer I spent working in Olympic National Park, surf trips on the Oregon Coast or my time in Yosemite.

When I decided to head to Yosemite I was in an awkward stage of my travels. I really had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. To top it all off I had only been on the road about 3 months and I was considering throwing in the towel already. I was struggling really badly with just being out on the road.

When I first pulled into Northern California I was still trying to figure out how to camp for free, where I should go, what to avoid and so on. Coming to Yosemite I was in a strange mind set. I wasn’t really all that excited.

-"If fear is cultivated it will become stronger, if faith is cultivated it will achieve mastery." - John Paul Jones - Coming to terms that I wasn’t really feeling the “vanlife” at the time I decided it was time to do something new. Try something crazy and see if I could not cultivate some faith in myself.

[justgovaning]

[justgovaning]

But how can you write in one post about something so iconic in my travels? How can I put into words and emotion that I carry with me every day?

Pulling into Yosemite with very little experience in climbing and owning only out dated gear I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But! I was damn sure about what I was doing. I was driving to Church. The cathedral. The holly Mecca. I was driving into Yosemite Valley in my freshly built hippie van, bag of weed in hand, bottle of whiskey, case of beer with a hope and a dream to learn how to rock climb. And I did.

What I was about to learn is what has set me on the course that I am currently on. I was greeted with smiles and kisses instead of blood thirsty drunken nights. I was about to be welcomed into the world of dirt-bags, Stone Monkeys, Vagabonds, Gypsies and lovers. Shown through a course of a month with a small group of amazing people what life was really all about. Taken by the hand and introduced to the culture that now drives my soul. Love and lust that will now send me driving cross-country.

I learned slowly but surely, I greeted my fears, concurred some and was defeated daily. I was broken and bleeding every day. Sore and tired, hung the fuck over but smiling. I was happy, I was so happy. I was at the time still really stuck in my militarized state. Only understanding what had been told to me, forced on me, beaten into my head and cultivated over an 8-year career. I was so angry at the world over years of personal turmoil. But that was all about to change. I still struggle with my anxiety but what I was to learn over the next month changed my life.

I have written about it many times, shared it with friends and truly believe what I am about to say can completely change your life. It is simple and easy. A quick change that can turn your long miserable day-to-day life into something with meaning and direction. Find a hobby.

[justgovaning]

[justgovaning]

When I was first in the valley I struggled a lot with my will power. I was to scared and that carried on for more than a month. Something I still face every time I tie into a rope. But I learned through climbing how to focus that fear into something powerful. I am not a good rock climber; I doubt I ever will be. But what I have learned from that month in Yosemite was how to direct my fears. Concur my thoughts and do something cool. I found my hobby.

In those few weeks in Yosemite Valley I met some of my now life long friends, I made personal triumphs in mind body and soul. Not to mention that I was in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I met people who accepted the fact that I was a little more dysfunctional then functional. Tried things I would have never anticipated. Got so scared that I would freeze in place. Crippled hands and sore legs. Personal achievements that still to this day hold a warm and fresh place in my heart.

I never did a big climb while I was there; no one pressured me to. I never lead a climb while I was there; no one pressured me to. I climbed everyday there was climbing to be done. I woke up early and hauled gear in for groups going to climb the Nose of El Capitan. I watched friends climb up impressive routes, learned what I needed to know about climbing. But I learned more about myself in those short weeks then I ever have in my life. I gained more in sprit then I could have ever anticipated. Mastering that fear of the un-know.

[justgovaning]

One step, Two Step, Face Plant.

This is a passage of reflection on a night before a quick trip to Maryland with the Navy.

 There will be a few themes that are easy to pick up if you spend a day or two around me, or a day reading my writings. One, I have had a little too much to drink, Two a few too many girl friends. It’s made for some fun nights and great stories but it has added up over the years. Driven me to self-reflection and trying to keep my nose a bit cleaner. In these short paragraphs I discus a night before shipping out for a few week Detachment to my home State of Maryland. Pretty much everything is typical of my life from 2010-2013 in these words. I had a drive in me at that time to get wild and forget a lot. I was pretty reckless and don’t even remember what fight we got into, who I was with or with whom we picked a fight.

 I wasn’t always so excited to greet people with a hug or smile. I used to be quicker to ask whom you knew and why you were in my presence. I had a take no shit attitude. In some ways it has carried over, I am proud of who I am, I will stand up for myself and I am proud of my time in service. But back in 2013 I was on a crash course. Headed straight to the bottom. I had been through a lot up to this point and spent a lot of time on the road. Finishing my 8 years in the Navy almost exactly 2 years later to the date of this journal entry. August 11th 2015 I separated from the Navy, with 10 Detachments/Deployments under my belt in just shy of 6 years worth of deploying. Work had been insane to this point; qualifications were the least of my concern. Witch landed me in a lot of shit at work and a crummy day-to-day job. I was running myself into the ground.

  Aug 15 2013

          Its Thursday the 15th I have been back from my second Detachment to NAS (Naval Air Station) Pax River in Maryland. Being in Maryland I was able to visit with friends and family. This trip was a quick one and just a very typical small detachment of sailors, everything that could go wrong went wrong. We drank too much every night, the plane broke down almost daily and it was a proper shit-show. But it all went wrong before it started; with a short phone call 24 hours before we were to depart base in Washington St. I was informed that I was going to leave early the next day and to pack my shit. We weren’t leaving first thing in the AM that day but in order to leave on orders you well, need to fill out the orders. In typical fashion like many of my of my Navy stories I was drunk when I got that phone call. Then of course proceeded to get even more drunk. I went out with some of the guys that night and got in a little scruff down town towards the end of the night. Luckily I am a smart sailor and I live a mile and a half up hill from the bar. So my drunken self took my drunk self on a walk home.

 Remembering I had things to do I woke up the next morning with my 3 hours of sleep and went on into work. About the second I walked into the shop everyone knew what had happened. Three people didn’t make it to work on time and I was hammered drunk still. Seeing as my comrades decided to be no shows I was then sent to round the boys back up and drag em into work. Non the less this didn’t go over to well with some of the senior leadership but hey what else are you supposed to do when they tell you you’re leaving in the morning?

          So on to Maryland I went. I was very fortunate to have this nice lady (not my mom) pick me up from Dulls and drive me all the way down to the base. It was really nice being able to see her so quickly; she had just visited Washington 7 days before. It’s nice to be home.

 Ok back to modern day.

 So that lady and I carried on for a bit. She visited, then I visited and then poof she walked out. I don’t mean to trash to hard but lets be real. I’m not writing a love story. I’m currently living in a van on the side of the road. And best of all I am a pirate. So after reading this you could circle down to my first post on this blog and read about Greece for a short second. I didn’t mention it much. Why? Because I was already pulling in, caving in on my own thoughts and choices. 2013 was a pivotal year for me. I was realizing I was miserable as shit. What happened on that trip to Greece and some other amazing European countries is I got dumped for the second time for another fucking guy.

 What is so pivotal about this short post is that while I was home I was focused on her, drinking and fucking off so much that I missed out on family time I desperately needed back then. I knew before that short phone call and quick trip to Maryland that I was to deploy to Greece within a few weeks time. I knew I was going to be away from family and I opted to drink and party instead of spending time with my family. I repeated these decisions for 8 years. Running myself into the ground repeatedly.

 I had ended up in another country on deployment; yes it was Greece and yes Greece is pretty, don’t need to point that out. I have been blessed to visit the 14 countries I stopped off in along my travels with the Navy. What matters is your mental strength while you’re traveling. Especially while you’re in the military and working hard, getting yelled at and drinking everything with an alcohol content. I was broken up with within the first few weeks of this Deployment. In my passage above I don’t talk about this lady very much but she meant a lot at the time. If you’re reading this and you were with me on that deployment to Greece I once again want to apologize for all the crying, mental break downs and hard, hard drinking I forced you into. While I was coping with this break up I lost my nerves. I had just about had it.

 This journal entry is short and I do not point out a lot that I am writing about now. But those days are fresh on my mind. This entry in my many pages of writing is important to me because it shows a turning point for me. As much screwing off as I was doing I had started showing up on time and being responsible to a point.

 What has happened over the years is many stories like this have pilled up and led me to some really upset days. Angry and not knowing how to deal with it. Dating the wrong types of women, socializing with only alcohol and truly making some epically bad life choices. I needed change and I needed it badly. The problem was I was on contract with the Navy; I had no way out of that, with no idea how to change my surroundings. One short year later I was buying the van and getting ready to leave. As I continue to dump stories onto this blog I hope to point out a few key things. One we all make mistakes. Two everything happens for a reason. Three keep a good heart, are kind and try hard to not let it all drag you down. Fourth and foremost importantly find a hobby. Do something that drives you. Focus on it. It honestly saved my life.

[justgovaning]

Olympic Summer

[justgovaning]

A broken sailor with a dollar and a big dream.

Before going into work today I have been sitting around picking stuff up, putting it back down, returning it to its home, cleaning it and mainly just being bored. But as I go through these paces as each of us does everyday, my mind starts to wonder. Off to far away places and right here in my home. I think about what others are up to, where they’re going what they’re are thinking, why there are glasses in the sink and not cleaned, why I can stop eating pistachios. Time and time though I always circle back to what is going on here? Why am I going into work today? I know I am going to have a bad day. I know I like my job but I also know the people I work with will ruin my day, or try to. Now people will tell you to just let it roll off you shoulder, don’t let it get to you (Let me remind you I was in the Navy when I wrote this). There is a lot more they can say and do to you. So then what am I really doing? I have said a few times that I know these next few years will be a loss to my life. A life I wish I were leading is still far away. But what kind of thinking is that? Am I really so down that I am just going to let these next two years pass by, that I see no light at the end of the tunnel? Can I quite smoking? I don’t know. I haven’t smoked in two days. Can I enjoy next weekend? I don’t know I might have to work. Am I going to enjoy Europe again? I’m not to sure. I’m going to be working two jobs this time and the work load is going to be hard to keep up with. I’m going to be so tired. So is that it? Am I just going to be so tired and run down for the next few years that I can’t seem to be happy? Will I really keep digging this ditch? Is there really anything I can do to change it?

 I wrote this in 2013 before a detachment to Greece. Before I had bought the van. Before I knew I would be living a life of travel. Now fast forward a few years and I have been living on the road for almost two years. I have struggled with these questions for a long time. Passages I have written over the years show this. This will be a blog about not only my travels but also my struggles. My anxiety and the issues I have had over the years coping with it. How after separating from the Navy I have been able to transition to living solo on the road. How I have completely changed my view on life and how I no longer wish and dream change. This will be the story of my ever changing life.

[justgovaning]

Early fall 2015 Northern California