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“Melancholy” Series Part 6 - I Can’t / Chris Evans

Part 1 - “Oh, fuck them” ; Part 2 - “I’m here” ; Part 3 - “Just Try” ; Part 4 - “I Support You” ; Part 5 - “I Need Help”

After your first visit with the doctor you were in a mix of emotions. At first you had a really hard time to open up and be honest about what you were feeling. From time to time, you’d pull on your sleeps to hide your hands and even look back at the door. The feeling of wanting Chris to hug you never left you. When you needed to express your thoughts and feelings, you didn’t know where to start. There was so much going on in you. The therapist saw you were having trouble with talking, how you kept apologizing for not saying much, but she reassured you that it was perfectly fine to not be able to fully express every feeling you were feeling, especially to someone you just met. As always Chris was right.

She never made you go to far, she let you take it at your own pace. Talked about work and friends, family. You felt comfortable with her, but still you wanted to be in a big hug. A hug only the man behind that closed wooden door could give you. She also noticed how you were looking back at the door, and asked you about it

“Do you have a feeling as if you want to run away?” you quickly shook your head, feeling bad that you made her think you wanted to run away “is it about the man behind the door?” you slowly nodded as a small smile spread across your lips, “does he make you feel safe?” she really was a great doctor asking question and saying statements that hit the nail on the head.

“Yes,” you looked up at her “he doesn’t judge me for being like this” she nodded smiling herself.

“Good, because there’s nothing to judge. Everyone has mental health, just like everyone has health. In the course of a lifetime, not all people will experience a mental illness, but everyone will struggle or have a challenge with their mental well-being just like we all have challenges with our physical well-being from time to time. There’s nothing to be ashamed about or judged for” in your hour long appointment you felt like you didn’t talk much, but she told you it was okay. For your first time you had done a very good job. One thing she did say was that you felt more comfortable when you talked about Chris. She said that he clearly was your safe space and that it was good to have someone like that in your life, especially when you’re starting to see a therapist. Going to sessions could be really hard on some people. You were one of those people, you were scared but also proud of yourself for going. Setting up the next appointment wasn’t as scary as having the first.

You went back to see her the next week and it was much easier then the first time and just like Chris promised he took you there and supported you. He would give you the same hug the same smile, but the next time it would be bigger as if he was even prouder of you that you went back again and knowing you’d be going back the next week made him even happier. He saw how the first appointment helped you, how you felt better. There really was improvement, even though you did hope that maybe after that one time you’d be immediately back to the old you but that was a long shot. Nothing happened in life like you liked it, how you wished it. Things like mental health took a lot longer time, a lot more work and support from people around you. Chris was your best and only support system.

After your second appointment Chris’s family was having a barbecue to which you were more then welcomed to. Actually his mom call Chris and specifically asked for you to be invited, she told him that she hadn’t seen you in a such a long time, and she missed you. He smiled hearing his mother say all that, Chris knew how she felt. The sad feeling of not seeing you, hearing your voice or laugh, but to him it was a hundred times harder to be away from you, to not see you all the time. Even thought the reason you two saw each other so often right now was quite sad, but very important, he was glad to be bale to talk to you and see you. Especially since now he saw you smile more, laugh more. You seemed to gain back your confidence and he couldn’t be more happier about that.

The Evans barbecue arrived and you were excited to see everyone especially Lisa. You had a lot to talk about to her, exchange recipes and just have a good laugh.

“Are you sure this is going to be enough?” you asked Chris over the phone, refusing to the cookies and salads you made for everyone.

“I told you, you didn’t have to bring anything at all, so it’s more then enough” you listened to him, and gave him a look that you knew he couldn’t see but couldn’t help yourself.

“You should know me better by now Chris. I’m not going to show up with empty hands, especially since I haven’t seen your family in a long time” while talking you kept looking at everything you were bringing, hoping it would be enough and that they would like it.

“I know you better then you think” you smiled at his response “are you sure you don’t me to pick you up? I already helped Scott set up everything, and can go” Chris, as always was being the biggest gentlemen, but you weren’t having any of it at the moment. He had to spend time with his family, since Chris was always around you and talking to you, he hadn’t seen them that much, making you feel guilty, but you kept reminding yourself that you never made Chris do what he did, your therapist told you to try and not be upset about things that weren’t really your fault. When ever I’d feel guilty she tell me to think back in the situation, did I ask for it, did I make someone do something. Or did the person offer it themselves or just do it without your asking. No matter how much you’d like for things to always be okay and work out, nothing works like that. There’s always going to be a little bit bad with good. In this case you had told Chris he didn’t have to always be with you, or answer your calls, but there was no point in telling him that, Chris wouldn’t listen.

“I’ll be fine Chris. Be with your family.” you were already putting things in your car “I’ll be there very soon. I’m pretty much on the rode already” everything was placed on the back seat and only then you saw that just maybe you had gone overboard with the foods,

“Okay, drive carefully. I can’t wait to see you” his words made your stomach flip. Even know when you were doing a lot better. So much better since Chris found you in that dark room, ready to give up, hearing him say that he wanted to see you made you happy, excited and very wanted. After telling him you couldn’t wait to see him to, you were on your way. There was much excitement in you, It had been a while since you felt like this. It could be the fun barbecue you were about to walk in with a family that were so loving and also could professionally work as comedians or the man that you knew would be standing outside is family home patiently waiting for your arrival. Ether way you enjoyed this feeling you were having

Just as you predicted driving up to the house Chris was sitting on the front porch, seeing your car coming closer Chris jumped up and waved, with a big smile on his lips, you couldn’t help but smile back at him. Your car hadn’t fully stopped yet when Chris was already opening your door and happily greeting you, he basically lifted you out of the car into his hug,

“How you doing?” he whispered in your ear, still holding you close, so close you could feel his fast heartbeat beating against yours.

“I’m good” you leaned back a bit to look in his eyes, so he could see you weren’t lying “I’m really good” Chris and you were just inches apart, not even a small animal could come between the two of you. For a split second you saw Chris look from your eyes to your lips, the quickly looked away when hearing his moms cheerful voice

“Let other people got that beautiful girl” she said running up and pulling you away from her son and into her loving embrace. She was just as good of a hugger as Chris, you could tell where he got his hugging skills. “i’m so happy to see you” she told you giving you cheek a kiss

“I’m happy to see you too Lisa. You look very beautiful” with a slight blush on her cheeks and a oh gosh. She was pulling you in the house, “oh wait I made something for everyone” you tried to walk back to the car, but Lisa wasn’t letting go off you

“it’s okay, Chris will get it. Right, son?” she gave him a sweet smile as she kept pulling you in

“Yes ma`am” Chris answered opening your car, mouthing him a quick I’m sorry and thank you, Lisa had you already pulled in the house loudly announcing your arrival. The quick attention from everyone in the house and in the back made you a bit uneasy. It had been a while since you saw everyone and having everyone look at you and talk to you almost everyone at the same time, scared you a bit. With a shaky voice you greeted everyone, some people wanted hugs, some just waved at you. Luckily Lisa soon pulled you in the kitchen right as Chris came in with al your food placing it on the table, he looked at you and saw the look in your eyes had changed

“Hey” you felt him put his palm on your shoulder “you okay?” looking up at him you nodded, but gave an honest answer

“just got a bit overwhelmed with the amount of people, all at once” Chris was mentally slapping himself for not warning you about how many people would be at the house.

“Sorry, I should have told you” Lisa was watching your interaction, feeling a bit worried. She didn’t what was going on but she knew there was something. Lisa was a mother with exhalent motherly senses when it came to someone not being well. She also noticed how his son was looking at you with the most concern and guilt in his eyes. She wasn’t a fool, Lisa saw how Chris was worried about you, especially in the last few weeks, how he’d always answer your call even when he was in a conversation of a topic he would never back down of. Lisa knew you had anxiety, and some things Chris had said made her thing something was wrong with, something had happened, but she wasn’t going to ask. If you wanted to talk about it, you’d tell her. The only time she’d ask you herself would be if you had no one to talk to, but you had Chris and as she was witnessing with her own eyes he was very good and caring to you.

First two hours you spent with Lisa in the kitchen placing foods on plats and talking about life. She had a lot to tell you and ask you. With every question Lisa asked, you felt her trying to get closer to a something she’s been avoiding. So you decided to get there for her. You trusted Lisa and knew she was just like Chris, nonjudgmental. Your therapist told you , to start trusting more people, people who you always felt like you could trust but your own fear kept you from being honest and open with them

“So I started to do something new” you started speaking, but didn’t look at her, “something I should have done a long time ago” Lisa stopped what she was doing, from your tone of voice she knew it wasn’t a new hobby you picked up, like painting and knitting. it was something a lot more serous, your lack of eye contact also gave that away. You found yourself in the same place, the same scared, unsure if you should bother her with such information.

“Honey, what is it? You can trust me” she said placing her hand on yours. She was right and you had to be honest about your life and what you were doing. There was nothing wrong in seeking help. So you told her, you told her about how horrible you had been feeling and how dark things had gotten. You did keep some details away from her, not wanting to upset her, make her sad. You also made sure to tell her that the only reason you are going to therapy is because of her sons amazing support and care. In the end Lisa teared up and embraced you, rubbing your back she said quietly “I’m proud of you honey” you cold feel that she was proud of you and it was an amazing feeling. To have someone say that, to be able to open up to another person, overcome your fears and it to pay off “this is good, this is really good” she said after pulling away from each other.

Wanting to keep up a good mood for the party you two changed the subject and Chris and Scott coming in laughing and joking around helped even more. As always those two goofballs were cracking up each other and everyone around them. Being around these kinds of people was good for you. To forget rest or the world and all the bad that was going on, being able to relax, enjoy yourself, have a good laugh. When around them you would laugh till your stomach would hurt. It had been a while since you laughed this much.

Some time later everyone went kind of scattered around the house and backyard. You were playing some games with Lisa’s grand babies, while some were still cooking some left over meat, some were inside watching tv. Chris was still sitting at the table enjoying the feeling of being at his childhood home, having his family around, peace. He smiled at his mom that had sat down in front of him, but his attention was quickly pulled away, when he heard your laugh. With a smile he looked at you, how you were playing with the kids and having the time of your life. You looked so care free, so happy. He loved seeing you like that.

“I’m very proud of you Chris” Lisa spoke getting his attention back. He smiled at her

“Thank you ma” he said sipping on his beer

“I’m not talking about your job” now he was a bit confused as to what could his mom be talking about. He didn’t think there was anything else in his life that could make her so proud “I’m proud that you are such a good man, such a good friend” Lisa looked at you, smiling “you were there for her when she thought she had no one. When she was ready to give up you pulled her out of the darkness showing her that there’s so much out there to live for” she looked at Chris who was now looking only at you. She could tell he was thinking back at everything that had happened leading up to this “you did good son. Look how happy she is. You saved her life” Lisa stood up, went around the table, hugged him and kissed the top of his head. Still holding they two watched you play with kids, then look up and wave at them

“You gonna come join us?” you asked looking at Chris, without hesitation he left his beer behind and joined you all. Rest of the day you all played games, talked and just had a great time but as always the day had to come to an end. Lisa packed you some leftovers and helped put them in your car as you talked about few more things you two hadn’t discussed. Chris was already by your car, patiently waiting. He wasn’t going with you, he was waiting for his turn to get your attention.

“Well thank you honey for coming over” Lisa said hugging you goodbye, you thanked her and turned to Chris,

“Is it my turn to hug you now? or did my family take all the hugs you had?” he joked walking closer to you

“You know I always have a hug for you” closing the distance you wrapped your arms around him, Chris pulled you closer, he held you tight, resting his head on yours. It felt as if nether one of you wanted to let go and it was true you didn’t want to let go of him. You loved hugging him, if someone asked you to chose eating your all time favorite meal or hugging Chris, without hesitation you’d hug Chris. Eventually you had to let go of him. Both, him and Lisa, watched you get in your car and drive off. The whole time that all was happening Lisa watched her son. She watched him hug you and breath in your sent, she watched him get sad when letting go of you, but Chris kept the smile on his lips, she watched how that smile he had on fell the moment you drove off and couldn’t be seen anymore. He sighed lowering his head. She waited for Chris to say something or to turn around and walk in the house, but he just stood there

“What’s wrong? She told you she’ll text you when she gets home” Lisa said even though she knew that wasn’t the reason her son got so sad. He had just spent a whole day with you, laughing, hugging, playing games with the kids, in everyone's eyes looking like a couple, now he had to watch you leave and come back to reality

“I love her ma” Chris confessed looking at her by his side. There were so many emotions in that man, Lisa could see it all in his eyes

“Then tell her,” he shook his head. If only it was that easy. If only he could do that.

“I can’t. I can’t pile more emotions and new twists on her. Not now” Chris sighed turning to his mom “I can’t be selfish. I can’t tell her that I’ve loved her since the first time I saw her “Chris was ranting now, close to yelling “I can't tell her that, no matter how much I want, because it's not fair on her.” Chris sighed, looked at the rode you had just gone down. “I can’t lose her. I want her to be happy and I don’t care how it happens, by me being her good friend or boyfriend. She needs to be happy, she deserves to be happy” he finished talking, started to walk to the house when Lisa spoke up

“And you don’t? “ he looked back at her “you don’t deserve to be happy? And telling her that you love her could help her more. Being there for her in a new way could do so much good, to her and you” Lisa walked and stop in front of Chris “Don’t deprive yourself from happiness and love. And I’ve seen how the girl looks at you and hugs you. She feels the same way” Lisa knew her son was about to protest and say she was seeing things, so she walked away leaving him there alone in his thoughts. Thoughts about you. Maybe his mom was right, maybe you loved him too and you cold make each other happy, but he knew it wasn’t the right time to find out.

You had just started therapy, you had just started to get pack on track and him reveling his feeling could push you off the track, make you confused. Chris wanted you to concentrate on your mental health, not a new relationship. So he’ll just keep it in, be there for you as a friend and help you be happy, he was even ready to accept the fact that one day if another man showed up one day and he was making you happy, he’d support it and step back. Even if it would break his heart, seeing you happy was all he wanted even if he wasn’t the one making you happy anymore.

—

Tag: @chris-butt ; @denisemarieangelina ; @jennmurawski13 ; @chriscaprogers ; @raabrakha ; @captainchrisstan ;

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