Crossover ll : The Nature of Relationships Poster, 2022 Art Director and Graphic Designer: Manita Songserm

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@justinlikestowrite
Crossover ll : The Nature of Relationships Poster, 2022 Art Director and Graphic Designer: Manita Songserm
The Lighter Part 1
There was once a magical lighter. It granted the user any wish that they asked but it always granted what they truly wanted. You just had to light a cigarette with the lighter and once the cigarette was finished just right, your wish would be granted. However, if you didn't manage to finish the cigarette, your granted wish would be equivalent to the amount that you have smoked. Smoke beyond the right amount, and you get more than you wish for.
Man and woman from far and wide came to try the magical lighter. Held in a tiny home in the middle of the dessert by an old man, the old man would look at each person with a disapproving face, as if to warn them that they are attempting the most futile of acts. His face was wrinkled like the creases on a shirt fresh from the dryer, with white hair that flow wildly at the sides of his face, as if there was constantly wind blowing at him, even when the air was still. His eyes were bright and clear, as if a young man was hidden within the body. He spoke with a low strong bellowing voice whenever someone new would appear.
"Heed my warning. Don't let your greed take over you. This lighter is beyond your comprehension and to understand it, you would be willing to lay your life down. Everything comes with a price, nothing is free and all who tried have suffered. Heed my warning and leave this place at once."
No one would listen to him as they were blinded by the promises of riches, of love, of material things that humanity most desire. They would look at the old man with a scoff and pick up the lighter. Tethered to the side of a wooden table covered with purple velvet cloth, they would pull out their cigarette and light it.
Because of the properties of the lighter, the cigarette industry was booming with merchants selling cigarettes that have explicitly marked the supposedly finishing mark of a completed cigarette. Some cigarettes would even come with instructions on how much breath one has to take in order to complete the cigarette. Dependent on the length and width of the cigarette, this number varied wildly. Yet this hasn't stopped anyone from trying. Even if I don't complete the cigarette, what's there to lose, they thought. Even if it is just 5%, I still gain most of it. And that's enough for me.
But no one thought about the fact that if these cigarettes do work, why would these merchant be selling them in the first place. And so, they bought the cigarettes in packs. After all, if the first cigarette didn't work, why not try again until you manage to get it right?
------
Once, a man took out a cigarette marked with multiple lines.
"Smoke slowly," advised the merchant selling it, "Each line is where your cigarette should be after you finish taking a breath. Buy a pack and practice. Soon, you will get the hang of it and all that you desire will be yours!"
The man, born with a scar on his face that drove away anyone that even looked at him, practiced day and night, smoking 2 packs a day. He wished to be accepted for all his flaws, for people to see beyond the scar that disfigured him. And it drove him to buy from the merchant once he finished his cigarettes. Practicing with the veracity of a hot-blooded man who discovered the touch of a woman for the first time, it took him a year before he managed to smoke the cigarette according to the precise lines. And here he was, in front of the legendary lighter, ready to fulfil his wish to be accepted.
"Heed my warning," the old man started, "Don't let gre--"
"Yes yes," the man interrupted, waving at him impatiently, "we all know what you are going to say. I don't understand why you bother when it doesn't work."
"Young man," the old man continued, sighing a thousand year sigh, "then you know the consequences."
"Yes, and yet I'm here," he replied, "So beat it old man."
The man lit the cigarette with the lighter and started to smoke his precisely marked cigarette. Each breath he took was short and sharp, as if he was gulping down a glass of water to quench his dry throat. The cigarette burned precisely at the line and with a few more breathe, the cigarette reach the final line and was no more.
The man stood there, waiting.
"Do I have to say anything old man?"
"It's already done," replied the old man sombrely.
As he finished, so did the changes start. The man could feel his face changing. It's working, he thought, my wish is coming true. The features of his face became fluid, as if it was a kids puzzle where you had to put the eyes, nose and mouth in the right place. As his face swirled, his scar disappeared beneath the twisting blend of skin, flesh and blood. He felt as if someone was rubbing his face furiously with a cloth, as if to erase his scar. The man waited patiently for the changes to be done and soon the sensation stopped.
"Old man," he shouted impatiently, "grab me a mirror."
The old man looked at the man in horror and spoke softly. "There is no need for one," he said, "just touch your face."
The man touched his face and felt something squishy where his mouth should be. He felt a hole where his nose should be and where his eyes should be, a sharp protrusion that blew air towards his left. He moved his hands over his face and fell to the ground in shock at his fate.
It turned out that the cigarette that he smoked was precise but ended far too late. The changes in his face swirled and stopped far too late, resulting in the wrong placement of his eyes, nose and mouth. But it was too late for him and he screamed at the old man in agony.
"I'll kill you old man!"
The old man stood there, pitying the man and said, "many have tried but all have failed. You are welcome to try."
The man lunged at the old man, aiming for the throat. Yet because his sight was placed wrongly, he misjudged the flight and crashed into a pile of porcelain vase, breaking them in the process. One sliced his throat and he bleed out before he even realised what had happened.
The old man looked at the mess, took out a cigarette and lit it with the lighter. As the cigarette smoked, the old man wondered if this will never end.
As his cigarette burned the last of its ambers, the man, with his mangled face and quickly whitening body disappeared into the floor. The old man felt a crack in his back, as if his spine suddenly shortened and he started to breathe harder. The wish had taken away more of his mobility. A mere mortal would have died on the spot with his spine suddenly shorter.
Yet the old man was fine, if wheezing a little more than usual. For he was the only one in the world who had smoked the perfect cigarette.
And he had wished that he would be immortal.
Give Up
"I give up," I said as I threw my pen across the table. "Nothing that I do is ever good enough in my eyes."
You yawned and stretched across the full length of the couch. You tried to reach for the pen but failing that, you fell back on the couch with a sigh.
"Maybe you just got to close your eyes," you said, fiddling with your hair. The fringe is almost touching your mouth and you smiled contentedly to yourself.
"If I close my eyes, who the hell can draw?"
I picked up the pen, stared at the screen of illustrations and tried drawing once again. As I followed the lines, the ink from the pen started to dry up. Frustrated, I redrew the same lines. Suddenly, ink spurt out and instead of looking like a thin line, it looked like I somehow drew a line and switched to a thick uneven marker almost seamlessly.
"See," I exclaimed, "even the damn pen is against me."
You got up, moved the pen aside and starred at the drawing. You stared at my face and stared back at the drawing.
"This isn't that bad," you said cheerily. "It kinda looks like you."
"Kinda?" I exclaimed, almost flipping the table. "The proportions are off! Look at that nose. Look at how thin the forehead is!"
You laughed. That seemed to be the norm these days. I complain and all you do is laugh right in my face, waiting for me to ask you the same question that I always ask. I sighed, looked at you and asked what you wanted to hear.
"Why are you laughing about this time?"
"You are too hard on yourself," you said, trying to stifle another laughter. "Everyone starts somewhere!"
"Start somewhere," I said, "you have been saying that since WE started drawing. Now look at our progress. A bunch of dis-proportion--"
"Which is because you never complete anything," you said. "You draw, you write, you create something and give up half way."
"Cause it's horrible!"
"That's not the point," you said, holding my hand this time. "Relax. Close your eye. Really close it and let go. See what happens."
As you guided my hand, I can feel my body started to relax. As you and I looked at the image and drew, I realised how much I have missed just doing something for fun, without the pressure of producing anything great.
"Why do you always have a way with words?" I asked as we completed the drawing. It still looked like crap but this time around, I was just glad we finished something.
"Because deep down, it's exactly what you are thinking."
As you stretched back onto the couch, I picked up the pen and started drawing the illustration again.
China
"So China huh,” you said.
“Yea, more like Shanghai,” I replied, clicking on Misread by Kings of Convenience on Spotify.
How come no-one told me All throughout history The loneliest people Were the ones who always spoke the truth
We just came back from drinks with a couple of friends down at a nearby bar. The alcohol sloshed in my stomach as I made my way to bed, wondering about what the fortune teller had mentioned.
“Didn’t he say that you are at a cross road? A battle between focusing on your career or on your relationship,” you asked as the song changed from Misread to Homesick.
Pretty Apt.
“You know how these fortune tellers are,” I replied. “They will say something vague that you have to create your own damn meaning from it. And once you create that meaning, you think that whatever they had mentioned is real.”
“Yea but it’s still true isn’t it? You knew this day will come sooner or later.”
I stared at you as the song ended and Mrs Cold started to play.
“Remember this song,” I said, changing the subject as I knew what the answer would be. “I can still remember how a single twitter message drove us crazy, reading into it and thinking whether was it referring to us or not.”
You laughed and I could detect just that tinge of sadness. “I remember. Got you into Kings of Convenience didn’t it? Just to impress a girl.”
I threw a pillow at you and laughed. “Oh come on, they were a good recommendation!”
You caught the pillow and held it, hugging it tight as if wishing it was something.
Or someone perhaps.
Shaking your head, you continued, as if the subject change didn’t happen. “So you haven’t actually answered my question you know.”
“It’s China. How can I refuse? It will do wonders for my career.”
“And that you already knew,” you countered. “You aren’t answering the real question.”
I sighed, absent-mindedly opening my Delta app. It’s becoming a habit nowadays. Opening it the first free time I have, as a distraction, as a sign that I do not want to engage, a habit that formed not long ago. I looked at the numbers and sigh at the bad trades that I have made. God dammit, I thought.
Cayman Island started to play and all I think now was how I used to play that song, trying to master it while knowing very well that even if I did, I wouldn’t have sung it very much better.
“There you go again,” you said, throwing the pillow at me to break me out of my stupor. “Stop thinking about other things while we are talking about this.”
I started to feel the anger rise in me. “What’s there to talk about? We already know the answer!”
“Then tell her!”
I stared at you, at your indignant face, determined to knock some sense into me. I sighed. “You tell her.”
“I don’t have the heart to. You know that.”
“You know that I don’t have it too.”
“What do we do then?”
I stood up and looked outside the window. The roads were quiet and the lights from far-away blinked as if they were trying to tell me an answer. The stars might have been trying to moose code me a signal, to push me to do what is right.
I looked at you and lay in bed, closing my eyes before replying.
“I really don’t know.”
Conviction
I am pretty certain I know myself well. There are plenty of things that I can absolutely say I love about myself.
But it gets bogged down by two things which clouds what is positive. The conviction to maintain what I have absolute interests in goes through its phases and when it is at its absolute lowest, it can get downright depressing.
Sometimes, I read and I get reminded about what I loved. I listen and watch some of my old favourites and I am reminded of what is great about who I am.
So the key is to keep this conviction going.
I had grappled with unpleasant thoughts for a long time. Of history repeating itself, of being absolutely unsure what is actually wrong and of being helpless in fixing it.
But this long bus ride, with the format playing in my ears while I read and reminisce, has been a joy that I haven’t gotten in a while.
Life is can be worth living sometimes.
Memories
I think the best part of being much older and having more experience is realising the cycle that you have been in and knowing that you need to change it up. If you don’t, history is going to repeat itself, you are going months down the rabbit hole before you get back up again and you lose so much before you win.
God damn man. Why oh why is it like that?
Oh god the alignment
Recently, I found myself diving a lot more in UX / UI design, something that I always had an interest in but never really found the opportunity (or the time / motivation) to fully explore it. But I could look at a design and go, dude you are one pixel off, you should centralise that. What about fading that text, or making it underline so that it is clearer?
Now that I am doing some UX and UI work, god damn it ain’t easy. I second guess myself, looking at UI patterns, looking back at mine and I’ll go, dammit, maybe I should tweak it. But then I think about how I shouldn’t be all style over substance and then i refrain. I refrain from going all in on something that I have been slaving over.
It’s extremely fun though, being able to dictate something myself when it was once in the hands of designers.
But I realised one thing though.
Alignment is a fucking bitch and my design process is blown all the way to hell.
Still, FUCK YEAH I AM DOING SOMETHING AWESOME.
Finally
You know what’s funny?
When you know it yet you have to play pretend.
When you fake it when you don’t need to.
When you cry wolf when the reality was in front of you.
God damn.
God damn.
Mama said
Mama once told me to be careful of big bad strangers on the Internet.
She said that they come out at night, with claws bigger than your face. You give them a bone and they would want everything that came with it. Every god damn thing, she would say.
Mama also said not to swear.
“Hello missy,” he would say, “wanna go for a ride?”
“No sir, I am just trying to talk to my friend.”
“Oh come on missy,” he would insist, “it will be fun!”
My friend once told me too to be careful of big bad strangers on the Internet.
He said that he made friends with them once. They brought him to a bad place, made him do unspeakable things and dump him off the side of the road. He said that he was afraid of making friends again.
I heard that he ran away from home and was never found.
“Mama said to be careful of you. You do bad things to people.”
“Oh, your mama said huh?” he would inquire, “What else did she say?”
“That your claws is bigger than my face.”
“Is that so?” he replied mockingly. “Does your mama also know what else is bigger than your face?”
Daddy once told me that he was a big bad stranger before.
He said that he was driven to that, that mama stop trying to be intimate with him. He wanted more and the Internet seemed so easy. Just a click of a button, some sweet talk and he would get all that he desired.
Mama said that daddy was telling a lie.
Mama wiped away a tear from her eyes when she told me that.
“No, my mama wouldn’t know.”
“Oh, but sweet little missy,” he said, “I do know who your mama is.”
“How do you know her?”
“Why don’t you go to your mama’s room to find out?”
My brother once told me that he heard screams from our parents bedroom late into the night. He shut his ears and tried to sleep. But it echoed though the house, haunting him even in his dreams.
I never heard such sounds before.
So I went to my mama’s room, as what the big bad stranger has said.
“Mama,” I asked, “Are you there?”
I swung the door open and saw a dark figure on top of mama, rocking and trashing away silently.
“Mama,” I said, afraid of what’s happening, “what is that?”
The trashing stopped and the dark figure moved away from my mama. As he crept a little towards the light, I could make out the features of his face, those sweet familiar features.
“Hello missy,” he said, “why don’t you give daddy a big hug?”
“Run you clever boy, and remember me.” “Clara Oswald, my impossible girl.“ “She’ll blow away like smoke.” “Let me be brave”
I never did like Clara.
But in season 9, it’s obvious that she was starting to become like the Doctor and that will ultimately backfire soon. Seeing the Doctor face near-death scenarios, only to laugh in their face and escape by the hair would only rub off her, giving her a sense of immortality that she doesn’t have. I mean, if the doctor can do it with his sonic glasses, why can’t i trick my way out of situations? After all, I am smart, eloquent and witty enough to do so. And she did, taking over the doctor’s role in more than one occasion, never missing a beat. I like that arc much more than the last 2. You delve deeper into how being a Doctor’s companion is affected, especially when she is constantly thrown into dangerous situations. And ultimately, it will come bite her in the ass.
And surely enough it did.
I wasn’t as affected as I was with the departure of the previous companions, but this season redeemed itself. Season 7 and 8 were bull, even with Capaldi in it. But this season was a return to form. It felt like they release a bit of the shackles, especially on Capaldi and gave him more freedom to be himself. My god, I am going to dread the day he regenerates again.
But Clara, thank you for giving us Season 9.
You will actually be missed.
You know, I actually highly admire this trait of yours.
Me? I just run and escape.
Guide
I had a conversation with my girlfriend recently.
She believed that everyone was put to Earth for a purpose and everyone has a role to play. Some people might be put to Earth to inspire, some to remind, some to listen and some to guide. When she asked me what I thought my role was, I reversed the question to her and asked what she thought I was put on earth to do.
“You? I think you were put on Earth to guide.”
Guide. It’s a word that carries a lot of weight and responsibility. Say the wrong things to a person who looks up to you for advice and you could ruin the person. Say the right thing though and they will soar like a bird.
Yet you can’t guide unless you have already went through life and gathered enough experience to differentiate what is right and what is wrong. You can’t tell someone what is love unless you have been through it yourself. You can’t say that being patient is the most essential trait one should have unless you have been impatient and burned before. Nothing you say will carry any weight unless it comes from experience.
I am not exactly the oldest (I am 2 years from 30) yet I constantly advise people on what they should be doing with their lives and how they should be doing it. Being a project manager for 5 years has thought me a lot of managing people and letting me see how people grow and that has given my words weight, so much weight that on rare occasions, when I am alone at night, it scares me to know that people actually listen to me, that they trust that I am telling them the right things, that their lives are unknowingly in the palms of my hand.
I enjoy doing it and when I see what I am saying coming true, it fills me with great pride.
I am entering a whole new different ball game altogether now, knowing that there is now nobody to guide me but my own experiences. It’s plenty scary and yet extremely exciting at the same time.
One day.
We’ll be giants.
I promise you.
After I get out this fantasy, that is.
I promise you.
We’ll definitely be giants.
The best possible person yet
I always had maintained that as we go through in life, we are preparing ourselves to be the best possible person that we could ever be when we meet another person. Whether we have gone through enough heartbreaks to know exactly what we should not do in a new relationship, or whether we knew the mistakes we made and have taken steps to rectify them, we are still the best possible person we could ever be.
Yet what is the best possible person? Someone who just garnered enough experience and life skills? Someone who has already made the mistakes that they should have made? Or someone who just seemed to have lady luck riding on his shoulders, going through life on a bullet train straight into the good books of fate herself?
There are instances of people who immediately grasp the concept of relationships, and in their first relationship, they succeed, a straight line with no distraction, going to their end point with as little fuss as humanely possible. Yet there are instances of people who toil through life, through multiple relationships, making mistakes, finding that they have been betrayed, cheated on, or maybe they are not matured enough to deal with the complexities that a relationship brings.
Would the people with a straight line towards the end already achieved the best possible person that they could have been? Or have they settled for lesser expectations, lesser wants and remain simple in their requirements? What about those that have suffered, have gone through countless heartbreaks? Do they want more? Crave much more than what they really should be getting?
Is there really a unconscious league that we all stand? Play in your own league, and you will achieve success without any trouble, or play above your own league and face the tribulations that might follow. Superficiality plays such a huge part in where we stand in the league as that is undoubtedly the first thing that people tend to judge by.
So we are born into our leagues? Could we elevate ourselves through hard work, through our experiences and through the mistakes that we make? Or are we really stuck in that league, base just solely on external impressions that we make?
I don’t believe i am the best possible person I can be. In fact, I think there is so much more I could be. So then, with that logic, am I then destined to fail?
Or am I just overthinking everything as usual? That I should enjoy this roller coaster ride to wherever it takes me to?
untitled III
tone down, fade out fantastical delusional dreams one step at a time
quick breath, sudden turn wanted disappearing desires one touch at a time question. you ask. each day when you whisper was I ever on your mind? last chance. once more. breaking unspoken rules one minute at a time one second at a time walk talk lockdown approach smile smile smile smile