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Back at it Again

6 years ago, someone walked back into my life that I hadn’t seen, or thought of, since graduation. We had hung out a few times in high school but only because my best friend was trying to hook up with someone in his group of friends. But we weren’t friends. Not by a long shot.

Then, 6 years ago, I walked into his apartment still drunk from day drinking. I remember dreading going over there. Because I thought he didn’t like me. I thought he wouldn’t want me there. But he was overjoyed that I came. He was nice to me, he flirted with me, he complimented me. We hung out a few more times after that and I realized that he was actually a pretty cool guy. After a few weeks, he sorted disappeared out of my life. A few months later he resurfaced, just to follow the same pattern. This cycle continued for 6 years. One of us would hit up the other after months, or even years, of not talking. We would talk for a few weeks, maybe hang out once or twice, and then one of us would stop responding to the other.

Then a few months ago, he texted me. And he told me how much he wished we could have worked out. And how much he wanted us to be a thing. We agreed we should try things out. But on our first official date, he ditched me. We rescheduled for the next day but I never heard from him. I had decided that I was done. That enough was enough. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Last week he texted me again. I was reluctant to respond. Even more reluctant to take him up on his offer to grab a drink. But finally seeing him, after so many years, everything came back. All the feelings I had had for him, all the memories, all the laughs, sleepovers, everything. And he was so transparent with me. About everything. Every round and why it failed, for messing up every time we tried before now. He was so serious about making it work this time. We had such a good time together. And then I saw him the next day after work and we spent the whole day together. Just being lazy and watching movies. And then a few days later I went over there and spent the night. And we spent the night cuddling and being goofy. And it was everything that I’ve ever wanted.

I know it’s stupid to get my hopes up. I know it’s stupid to think that this could be the one round that sticks. Especially when I know that every round starts out this way. But he isn’t usually this honest with me about his feelings. He’s never been this straightforward. It seems like it could be. And I really want it to be. Because if it’s not, and it’s just another round…I’ll be heartbroken. I won’t recover from another round.

So here’s to our 6th try.

justletgoandbreath

For those of you following this story, I guess you could say 6th times a charm. We got married last June and lived happily ever after 💜

justletgoandbreath

It’s been what? 8 years? Still married and just had a baby with him. I guess you could say we made it 💜

justletgoandbreath

Back at it Again

6 years ago, someone walked back into my life that I hadn’t seen, or thought of, since graduation. We had hung out a few times in high school but only because my best friend was trying to hook up with someone in his group of friends. But we weren’t friends. Not by a long shot.

Then, 6 years ago, I walked into his apartment still drunk from day drinking. I remember dreading going over there. Because I thought he didn’t like me. I thought he wouldn’t want me there. But he was overjoyed that I came. He was nice to me, he flirted with me, he complimented me. We hung out a few more times after that and I realized that he was actually a pretty cool guy. After a few weeks, he sorted disappeared out of my life. A few months later he resurfaced, just to follow the same pattern. This cycle continued for 6 years. One of us would hit up the other after months, or even years, of not talking. We would talk for a few weeks, maybe hang out once or twice, and then one of us would stop responding to the other.

Then a few months ago, he texted me. And he told me how much he wished we could have worked out. And how much he wanted us to be a thing. We agreed we should try things out. But on our first official date, he ditched me. We rescheduled for the next day but I never heard from him. I had decided that I was done. That enough was enough. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Last week he texted me again. I was reluctant to respond. Even more reluctant to take him up on his offer to grab a drink. But finally seeing him, after so many years, everything came back. All the feelings I had had for him, all the memories, all the laughs, sleepovers, everything. And he was so transparent with me. About everything. Every round and why it failed, for messing up every time we tried before now. He was so serious about making it work this time. We had such a good time together. And then I saw him the next day after work and we spent the whole day together. Just being lazy and watching movies. And then a few days later I went over there and spent the night. And we spent the night cuddling and being goofy. And it was everything that I’ve ever wanted.

I know it’s stupid to get my hopes up. I know it’s stupid to think that this could be the one round that sticks. Especially when I know that every round starts out this way. But he isn’t usually this honest with me about his feelings. He’s never been this straightforward. It seems like it could be. And I really want it to be. Because if it’s not, and it’s just another round…I’ll be heartbroken. I won’t recover from another round.

So here’s to our 6th try.

justletgoandbreath

For those of you following this story, I guess you could say 6th times a charm. We got married last June and lived happily ever after 💜

Aftermath Pt 2

That’s the thing people don’t warn you about. How long it takes to forget the person who took advantage of you. How they can still randomly pop in your head and leave you breathless and trembling.

I thought when you were fired that I would never have to see you again. But then you got a job across the street and would show up at Starbucks when you knew I would be there. You would text me when you saw me outside my building or to get the work gossip. As if everything was fine between us. I wish I had the courage to tell you that I was the one who got you fired. Instead, I pleaded the fifth and helped you recover from getting fired. It’s fucked up all around. And I know it’s mostly my fault. I know we’re both adults. But you’re much older than me and you were my boss, you should have known better. You never should have put me in that position in the first place. All of the games, the manipulation, the sneaking around. And for what? So you could get off at work and then go home to your girlfriend? You were able to leave the situation unharmed. I, on the other hand, lost all of my confidence and self-esteem. I lost my self-worth. My ability to have a healthy relationship. You took everything from me. And I’m starting to think I’ll never be able to get it back.

The Aftermath

It’s been three years now since everything happened. I’ve had three years to process and internalize everything that went down. And sometimes I think I really have moved on. Sometimes I can convince myself that I’m over it. But most of the time, it’s always there, in the back of my mind. For a while, I thought about you all the time. I still texted you, we still did what we were doing...But it wasn’t ‘wrong’ anymore. Even when the texts were far and few in between, you still had the power to pull me back. I lost so many friends because of you. I lost my confidence. I became the center of every rumor at that call center. Your girlfriend, who still worked at that call center as one of my superiors, mistreated and bullied me. And what’s worse, everyone turned a blind eye because they agreed with her.

But even still, it’s been three years. You shouldn’t still have this effect over me. I haven’t spoken to you in months. I’ll admit, I’ve had my slip ups. And I’ve texted you when I knew I shouldn’t have. But it’s so easy to just go back. But when you appear, unwillingly, in my mind I can’t help but text you.

But now, I’m seeing someone. Someone who wasn’t around when everything went down. And I don’t want to get into all of that with him. Because it will change the way he sees me. But I also can’t help but feel guilty. I accidentally rationalized with myself based on how you did it. But what you did to me, is totally different than what him and I are doing.

I guess I just don’t understand what I’m feeling. It’s been three years, why are you still in my head? How can you still be ruining things for me? How much longer do I have to wait before you are erased from my mind?

Back at it Again

6 years ago, someone walked back into my life that I hadn’t seen, or thought of, since graduation. We had hung out a few times in high school but only because my best friend was trying to hook up with someone in his group of friends. But we weren’t friends. Not by a long shot.

Then, 6 years ago, I walked into his apartment still drunk from day drinking. I remember dreading going over there. Because I thought he didn’t like me. I thought he wouldn’t want me there. But he was overjoyed that I came. He was nice to me, he flirted with me, he complimented me. We hung out a few more times after that and I realized that he was actually a pretty cool guy. After a few weeks, he sorted disappeared out of my life. A few months later he resurfaced, just to follow the same pattern. This cycle continued for 6 years. One of us would hit up the other after months, or even years, of not talking. We would talk for a few weeks, maybe hang out once or twice, and then one of us would stop responding to the other.

Then a few months ago, he texted me. And he told me how much he wished we could have worked out. And how much he wanted us to be a thing. We agreed we should try things out. But on our first official date, he ditched me. We rescheduled for the next day but I never heard from him. I had decided that I was done. That enough was enough. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Last week he texted me again. I was reluctant to respond. Even more reluctant to take him up on his offer to grab a drink. But finally seeing him, after so many years, everything came back. All the feelings I had had for him, all the memories, all the laughs, sleepovers, everything. And he was so transparent with me. About everything. Every round and why it failed, for messing up every time we tried before now. He was so serious about making it work this time. We had such a good time together. And then I saw him the next day after work and we spent the whole day together. Just being lazy and watching movies. And then a few days later I went over there and spent the night. And we spent the night cuddling and being goofy. And it was everything that I’ve ever wanted.

I know it’s stupid to get my hopes up. I know it’s stupid to think that this could be the one round that sticks. Especially when I know that every round starts out this way. But he isn’t usually this honest with me about his feelings. He’s never been this straightforward. It seems like it could be. And I really want it to be. Because if it’s not, and it’s just another round...I’ll be heartbroken. I won’t recover from another round.

So here’s to our 6th try.

justletgoandbreath

Walk away

I could have. I had it set up for walking away. And instead of saying no and telling him to go to hell, I opened up. I reassured him and we got down to the root of it all. I don’t have all the answers I need. But I had the chance to walk away and never talk to him ever again, and I knew I couldn’t take that chance. I’m not ready for this to be over. Fingers crossed. This is our last chance.

justletgoandbreath

This is from 2016. And yet, I just told him he had one more chance.

The Yearly Update

I guess while we’re at it, we might as well update the blog for the next time I go through my post. I ended things with Evan in September. I know I had been talking about it but I honestly never thought I’d find the courage to do. I felt like I was too far in to back out now. But a new friend helped me realize that it’s never too late to stand up for yourself. Or to go get what you want. It also occurred to me during the whole thing, that I’ve never broken up with someone. It’s always been the opposite way around. That’s neither uplifting nor disheartening. Either way, he didn’t take it well. Which made me feel terrible but what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t stay with him for his own happiness while also ruining my own. He moved out a week later and took our cat, whom I dearly miss. But there’s no victory without sacrifice. Now it’s just Mom and I in the house (and Zelda). Which is really nice if I’m being honest.

I reconnected with an old friend and went to visit her last week in Florida. She works at Disney World and took me to experience the magic. And boy was it Magical. Everything was different because of COVID. But even Pandemic Disney is better than No Disney At All. I plan to go back once the Pandemic blows over, if it ever does.

I’ve decided to leave my job at the Swim School. I’m going to wait until February but I’ve decided it’s just too much for me. Too time consuming, too stressful, too unorganized for me to stay. The more I think about it, I’ve always been in management. And I’ve always hated it, for the most part. Is it bad to say that I don’t want to do it? Why would a job hire me if they knew I had no interest in staying with the company and moving up? I know it sounds fucked up. But I just want to do my daily duties and leave my job at the workplace when I go home at the end of the day. Which you can’t do as a manager.

I’ve also been on a weight lost journey for three months now. I’ve lost 30 pounds and I’m starting to feel a lot better about myself. I still have a long way to go. Not weight wise but just tightening it up. If that makes sense. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy when I look at myself in the mirror, but I am happy to see less of me when I do look.

I’ve been working on myself a lot too, since Evan and I broke up. I’m getting more comfortable being on my own and doing things by myself. I’m getting more okay with the idea of being selfish. But in an egocentric kind of way but in a self preservation kind of way. I’ve always been to selfless and giving and it always comes back to haunt me. I’ve always felt guilty and uncomfortable saying no for ‘myself’ when I was capable and able to do something. But at some point you have to start putting yourself first. And now is my time to do that.

I think that’s everything. 2020 was really going to be my year and then the Pandemic threatened to take it away. But in a way, I think it still was my year. Which means I can start off 2021 with the things I wanted to accomplish this year. But I’ll be better fit to accomplish those things. We’ll see how it goes.

Circular Structure

Looking at my posts from 2015-2017 and just feeling the oddest sense of deja vu. The things I reblogged the most were Teen Wolf and Gossip Girl. Both of which I’m currently rewatching. There were a lot of posts of Bryan; both before, during, and after we dated. And all the posts of me trying to figure out my feelings for him. We’re friends again but I know for a fact that I’ll never want to be more than friends with him. And random posts when I would start talking to Dillon again. Whom I’m currently talk to.

How am I supposed to grow as a person if I just keep repeating the same three year cycle?

Quarantine Day ??

After 7 weeks of being closed at work, we reopened. I’ve been back at work 2 and a half weeks now. We’re supposed to go back to the pool next week but I’m worried. In the last 9 weeks I have gained all my diet weight, started smoking again, decided to leave my fiance, and learned how to play the guitar.

The thing is, even with all the negative shit happening right now, this lockdown has given me time to really think about everything. And honestly, I’m unhappy. I’ve been unhappy. That I knew. But I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I don’t want to be unhappy. I want to live my life freely with no regrets and I’m not doing that now. I can’t keep hearing the same lies, broken promises, and half hearted excuses. So, once Quarantine is officially over, so are we. Wish me luck.

2020 has been the weirdest, shittiest, year yet and it’s only May. I pray the next 6 months are better than the first 6.

Quarantine Day 4

I thought my cat would be less needy since I’m home all day but I think somehow he’s more needy. I’ve watched all the Disney movies and have spent entirely too much time on social media. I’ve already gained back what little weight I lost. So much for fasting and working out! My job is closed until April but I’m thinking it’ll be longer than that. Luckily, Mom can work from home. And Evan is almost set up to work from home.

I watched Contagion on Monday which seemed oddly ironic. And now? Outbreak. I may actually lose my mind.