Explaining my Depression to My Mother
Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear,
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
I see the flesh of a church,
The sparks of a memory younger than noon,
I am standing beside her open casket.
It is the moment I learn every person I will ever come to know
I’m not afraid of the dark;
Perhaps that’s part of the problem.
“I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed.”
Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house,
“Where did anxiety come from?”
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town Depression felt obligated to bring to the party.
Only I am a party I don’t want to be at.
“Why don’t you try going to actual parties?
I make plans because I know I should want to go.
I know sometimes I would have wanted to go
It’s just not that much fun having fun when you don’t wanna have fun, Mom.
Each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms,
Dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light.
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake,
But my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists.
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me
I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness
I cannot baptize myself in.
But my happy is as hollow as a pin-pricked egg.
My happy is a high fever that will break.
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing
And then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying.
I think I learned how when dad left;
How to turn the anger into lonely,
So when I tell you I’ve been super busy
I mean I’ve been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed,
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of “Sunken Skeleton City”,
My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves.
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echo of a heartbeat,
But I am a careless tourist here.
I will never truly know everywhere I have been.
Mom still doesn’t understand.
Can’t you see that neither can I?!
tangentwithtanner
janainaart
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
gummygunk
