Big Emotional Bus Stop

[justneedtogetitout]

You earn it

The other day I said “I’ve had people come in to my life & just assume this role without earning it. And then you come along & want it but act like you don’t deserve it”

I said does that make sense?

You said, not really.

I asked if I should elaborate.

And you said if I want to.

I didn’t because I wasn’t sure how I could articulate it , but I have been thinking a lot about it.

I meant that, other people have come in to my life & just assumed the role. They see what I do & who I am & decide, ok, this is nice, I think I’ll stay. And we fall in to this routine without even working to get there. I like people, and I like doing things for others and I like to make people happy, so I never thought much about falling in to place until I began to realize I wasn’t given the same in return. I’d wind up spending my life with these people that I had this unspoken duty to nurture, but my needs were never met in the same way. Not only that, but they would end up having a negative effect on me. I think women are built that way. A lot of us, anyway. We just care to take care. It doesn’t matter what you do to us, it’s just our duty & we do it. Until we get burnt out. Until we recognize that we’re being taken advantage of or not valued for all that we do. I don’t mean to say I’m this saint that should be recognized & rewarded for all my hard work. But through all those relationships and all those people and all those years, I’ve finally decided that, no. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m not going to pull the full weight of a relationship. It takes two people. I’m not going to waste my time or energy when it won’t be reciprocated.

And then there’s you.

You’ve never relied on me or depended on me or expected me to do anything. You don’t assume I’m going to just take care of you & carry this relationship on my own. You support me and love me & are kind to me every day. You worry that you’re too much for me and are afraid to ask too much of me. You care about my needs and strive to make sure they’re met before your own. You are the first person in my life who has not just taken me without asking. You’re the first person to consistently care about my burdens and boundaries. Who cares that I am always satisfied with how we are progressing and worried that you are not enough. You have yet to just settle in and allow me to or expect me to serve you.

I have always said that I want a partner, and you are exactly that. We have this seemingly perfect balance of support and fondness for one another. We have this abundance of joy and love that I have never experienced before. I don’t even know how to explain it. It feels deep and clean and pure and just exactly right. Without a hint of resentment or doubt.

It’s like all these other people have taken without deserving what I have and who I am. But you. You’re cautiously asking but overwhelmingly earning everything I’ve been and more. And to make it even more worthwhile with you, you acknowledge and appreciate what I do for you and us. Big and small, it feels like nothing gets by you. You always make sure I know that it hasn’t gone unnoticed and you’re always so grateful. You are my finally. Everything you do & everything we are. It’s just an enormous sigh of relief. Finally. You are my last. My love. You are everything I have ever wanted and more.

And, you earned it.

[justneedtogetitout]

Just Breathe.

We’re always going to have options & choices. And when it comes down to it, it’s always up to you to make your own decisions. 

Do you want make dinner? You decide. Do you want to clean your house? You decide. Do you want to go back to school? You decide. Do you want kids? More kids? You decide. Do you want to keep this job? You decide. Do you want to stay working in this field? You decide. Do you want to move away? You decide. Do you want to stay with this person? You decide. Do you want to get married? You decide. Do you want to travel? You decide. Do want to retire? You decide. 

Do you want to let love in? Do you want to open yourself up to the risk of being hurt? Do you want to expose the ones you love to that risk? Do you believe it’s worth it? Every moment of every day is comprised of all these different facets mingling together and you’re just supposed to figure out how you want all of them to align. There’s no guidebook. There’s no instructions. You just have to find these tools as you fumble through & figure out how to use them. How they apply. Can I use this? Is this meant for me? Is this the right tool? Does this even go here? Or fit there? How the hell am I supposed to know? I think that’s the point. You don’t. And you won’t. Until you try. And if you try to put a couple pieces together & the colors don’t line up & things don’t perfectly align- does that mean it won’t work? Or does that make it art? You can’t even put a puzzle together one way. Someone is going to stand back & critique it. Always. So close your eyes. Turn off the sounds of all the other critics and opinions. What do you want? What is most important to you? And what is the best decision for those that are the most important to you? You should be at the top of that list, by the way. You can’t take care of anyone wholly if you don’t care for yourself. The real tricky part is that every single other person faces the same monument of decisions every day. Just like you. They’re just trying to figure it out too. Just like you. And you can’t beg & plead for their & your choices to align. You just have to wait & wonder. Hope & pray. Or breathe. Because you can only make your own way. You can’t lead others down your path, no matter how hard you try. It’s always up to them. Their choice. Their puzzle. And to them, maybe it needs to be perfect. Or maybe it’s the most abstract disaster you’ve ever seen. But you don’t know. Because it’s theirs.

[justneedtogetitout]

3 Months of “unofficial”

I feel a ridiculous amount of ‘want to keep you’- ‘let’s not call it what it is’ for this guy. 

And I keep telling myself- stop.  Slow down.  Relax.  Breathe. 

Especially if he is what he feels like he is. Because if he is.. we have nothing but time. 

But. 

When I wake up, I wish he was there.  When something funny happens during the day, I want to tell him.  Or annoying, or sweet, or anything at all- I just want to tell him about it.  And when I go home, I wish he was there.  And I want him to meet all my people. And I want all my people to like him.  And I want my son to accept him. And I want him to love my son.  When I make dinner, I want to sit across from him at the table & listen to what happened in his day. Hear his struggles & triumphs & then share my own. Because this one actually cares.  When I fold clothes, I want him to be there, folding with me. Or sorting socks.  When I put on my creature comfort shows & movies, I want to snuggle up to him and enjoy them together.  When I play Zelda with my son, I want him there so he can laugh at how silly he is with me. And help him with the tricky parts.  When I get ready for bed, I want him there because of how he looks at me in the mirror. Like I mean something. Like I’m worth something. There’s no doubt he’s here for a reason.  When I go to bed, I want him there. Every day. Every night. 

And it’s been 3 months. 

Is this normal? Is this OK?  Is this that honeymoon thing that happens & then... it fades. And then, you’re there because we’re just here now. It’s comfortable & it takes more effort to go & do anything but this. 

I’m trying to remember what 3 months was like before.  The last one- 3 months was about Christmas time. I don’t remember. I don’t remember feeling mad about him. I know I liked spending time with him. I know that’s all we ever did.  I remember getting sick when it was cold out & volunteering to take my sick ass to walmart for new sheets so we could go back to bed. And I did. Go to walmart. By myself. I think it was about 2AM. It was food poisoning from iHop that morning. It had to be around that time. 3 months.. I remember him being mad. As if I could help it. SMH.  I remember one time- before we lived together, that I had a rotten day & he just held me. One time. In all those years, he did it once. 

Was it always bad?

And then it was March & I was pregnant & stuck. 

And then his true colors started to show. He got comfortable & showed me how selfish & lazy he can be.  Not can be- how selfish & lazy he is.  He was still funny & a nice to be around. Especially if we had company. A buffer. Someone who didn’t hear all his stories already.  Even in the beginning, I don’t remember him actually saying he ever wanted me around- I just was.  When our son was born, I looked forward to the moment he would say something good to me. Like I did great. Or I was beautiful still. Or that he was amazed to be here. With me. But he didn’t. He loved our son. He still does. But there were no words of affirmation for me. I remember because I remember being so upset about it. I didn’t realize how upset I still am about it. That was one year & 3 months in. I should have know then. 

Did I know then?

The one before that- 3 months was so long ago, I can’t even begin to remember. It started on new years. So 3 months was April. Nothing is coming to light. I remember that he’d compliment me on social media where everyone could see, but when it came to talking to me in person, it was just a game to see how small he could make me feel. Make me believe that I needed him & that he was the best thing I could ever manage to get. And then he cheated. I don’t remember the good from that one. At all. What was I thinking?

And then there’s this one. 

I know you’re not supposed to compare old to new. But how can you not? How can you not just point a big shining light at all the good that this is. How? Why did I ever settle for anything less? 

Does he care about my day? Absolutely. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t ask about it. And respond about it. He’s engaged. He listens & cares.  Does he support me when I have emotional slumps? 100% And you know what? I don’t even ask him to. When he was home, there were not one, but two occasions that I just had a bad day & he showed up. The first time was what? Two weeks in. Two weeks! And when he can’t be here- again, he’s engaged. He’s honest, ensures me that I’m better than the picture I paint of myself in my head. He just cares. About all of it. I’m never too much. He always wants me in every way. Even when we don’t agree, I still know that it’s OK. We’re OK.  Does he think I’m beautiful? Yeah- without question. I think I might hear some variation of that word every day. But it’s not only that- He values more characteristics than what I look like & what I do in bed. He says I’m smart & kind & motivated. He says he thinks I’m a good mother- from the outside looking in. He doesn’t actually know. Yet. 

Yesterday, he said “I can’t wait for a future with you” 

He’s making short term plans with me. And he’s thinking of long term plans with me. 

I- I can’t believe I’ve finally found someone who seems to want ‘almost’ all the same things as me. All the fairytales I dreamt in my head- about what I want everyday to look like. The little things. The big things. Hugging me from behind while I make dinner, for no reason at all. That, I don’t know why, but I’ve always always wanted that. And I’ve never had that. And yesterday- he said exactly that, in text. Because he’s 1400 freaking miles away & he can’t do that now. Today. All the things I’ve thought were just from the movies. Real people don’t do that. Going for walks.  Taking pictures Camping- planning together. PAYING together.  Saying what we feel.  What we want. 

He does that. All of the things I ever wanted. 

How?

No- It’s not just a honeymoon thing, right? The complete lust, maybe. But all the other little things. And big things. Those are going to stick. Right? 

Maybe. 

Hopefully!

Stay tuned, I guess. 

But wait.  Be patient.  Don’t say what you want to say. Not every single little thing.  You know how much better it will be & has been to hear exactly the things you want & feel come out of his mouth first.  Because you’re not letting someone “ditto” your thoughts & feelings again. 

#JustBePatient

[justneedtogetitout]

Chill hoe!

So. 

We separated in February, but let’s be honest, I was well past done in October. He finally moved out in July. 

I told myself- give it a year. Find you. Then find him. 

D- FIND YOU and THEN find HIM. 

Well, she got lonely. 

I wanted to go on dates. Fool around. Feel what it was like to be desired. Even if the dates were trash & amounted to nothing. I just wanted to know that somebody actually wants me. 

Is that selfish?

Maybe. 

So, I got an app. I talked to a handful of men.. And it turns out, I have standards. Like, as soon as they say something a little sideways- I’m like NOPE. Not an immediate block, kind of nope- An actual confident call them out on their BS kind of nope. 

I am finding myself. I’m finding a fire in me that I haven’t seen in a long time. So long that I forgot it existed. 

I speak my truth. I don’t hold back. I even walk with more confidence. 

And I absolutely love who I am. I see myself growing. I’m doing the things I want. I’m saying the things I need. I’m not taking BS. 

Seriously, who dis?

Who knew a crappy relationship could have such an enormously negative drag on your whole outcome. It’s sick, really. To think how much one person can impact you. 

DO NOT allow those people in your day to day- ever again. 

Ugh!

But back to the app. After weeding out the toads...  there’s this one guy. He seems to stick. I’m a big fan, but I’m freaking out! Why now? This was supposed to be the adventurous stage. Go & find myself & find what I like & dislike. 

Why so soon?! Why the hell? Just. Ugh! 

I’ve confessed some things to him about the ex and he’s been just, incredibly kind. And understanding. And reassuring that that was completely wrong. Do you have any idea the enormous relief it is to hear that, hey! You’re not crazy. That wasn’t right. Nobody should have to deal with that. 

I love it. I do. I love hearing from a man that my past is garbage & I deserve - well, he said normal, but honey, shoot for the stars, right?

But outside of the agreement that what I had was trash- I really like him. 

I like the way he smells & the feel of his arms around me. As soon as I see him, I get a hug. He looks me in the eyes & smiles & pulls me in. There’s no doubt that he’s happy to see me. 

Ok, I know, it’s a new thing & that’s how it always starts. Even with the last one.  ... but did it? I don’t know. I harbor so much resentment for that I don’t even remember.  I just know it feels good with him. 

But not just the touch & the smell. 

He listens. And laughs. And contributes.  And only pulls out his phone to prove me right or wrong. He hasn’t held the door open for me... (eye roll)  There weren’t flowers on the first date... Big deal & where would I put them anyway.  But he’s been present. And it is very clear there is desire for me. And he’s respectful. Respectful of my wishes & my boundaries. 

And he has boundaries of his own, that kind of suck- but we’re managing them together. And it feels just good. And right. 

I keep thinking of where it’s going to go. Nervously.  What’s going to happen? 

It would be so much easier if he was just a complete putz that I got to fool around with a few times & then say see ya & move on to the next one. 

But he’s not. 

He’s sweet & kind & caring & just good. 

And a bit of nerd. But it’s cute. 

I know that when I’m not with him, I want to be.  And when I am with him, I don’t want it to end. 

Is that because it’s new & exciting? Or is that because he’s worth my time?

Not knowing is nauseating. 

I’m a 28 year single mom. I’m not where I wanted to be at this stage of my life.  I wanted to be with the one. Married & working on starting/growing my family. 

But I’m not. 

Am I assigning feelings to this guy that is right in front of me because that’s where I want to be?

Or did he actually earn the way I feel about him?

I think the latter. I really do.. But I don’t know! How can you tell? 

So I guess... continue to date him, but take a very mindful, very aware of what you’re doing type of step back. Survey the situation. Look for the flags. Red and green. And be absolutely sure. And know that you can’t possibly know everything right this minute. You’re not even going to know this month, probably. Let time do it’s thing & let you figure it out. Slowly. Over time. Lots of time. 

And eventually- this dopamine high will wane & you will see him & this for what it truly is. Good or bad. Just give it time. 

And DON’T SETTLE. 

It’s crazy what you deserve. 

[justneedtogetitout]

starting to feel sad

I’m sad & overwhelmed & annoyed & frustrated & overall, just not great. 

I’m still living through this separation. I’ve completely separated, emotionally- most days. In fact, all days, there are just moments, mostly when he’s being a good dad to his son, that I think maybe- but then he is who he is with me, and I’m reminded that absolutely not! Any way- emotional separation, 100% yes, but he still lives here. Because I’m a good person, or possibly because I’m too nice for my own good, I don’t know. So because he’s still living here, I haven’t been able to fall in to my own time & my own routine & find me, which is what I want to do before I go throw myself in to the dating pool again. 

But now, this strange emotional thing has started to happen. Every ‘single’ time I see a man do something cute or sweet or even freaking normal for a spouse to do, whether it’s in person or on the internet or TV, I literally cry or tear up or just get upset about it. 

I’m a 27 year old single mom. In my mind, not incredibly desirable. Hear me out. I’m young enough that there are a lot of options out there that are not already parents. Why would a sweet, stable, attractive, single (not a parent) man be interested in me? I say not a dad, because I want to have another child. I think. And if he’s a dad too, I think that might be more difficult. Or at least more complicated. I’m not saying no to dads, it’s just not ideal- right... but that’s SO not fair, because I’M A PARENT. So then I’m sure there are dads out there that have the same thought process as me, right? Maybe... So that even takes some dads off the table. I don’t know. And I’m just really nervous! And I’m worried that my standards are too high & I’ll be single forever. But like, I’m not going to lower them- then I might end up with the same type of person I just left. Also- I’m a mom. How am I supposed to introduce someone new to my son?! I don’t know, I just hate all of it. 

So yeah- the office, I love the show! But Jim is so sweet & that makes me so sad.  Ditto Brooklyn 99 & Jake.  And all the guys on Friends.  And Sean on Psych.  So like all my comfort shows make me sad & I’m like WTF hormones, can’t you just let me have one thing?! And my friends’ boyfriends. And my step dad. And honestly, some guys I work with are so kind. More kind & supportive than my ex ever was, & I love that, but also, it makes me cry because why the Fuck did I deal with that for so long?! Because I’m a big dumb idiot. I wasted some pretty critical baby making years convincing myself what I had wasn’t that bad. 

Gah! 

Dumb. 

So I guess I’m just venting/complaining about my brain acting a way I don’t want it to. I want to be happy that I’ve taken the steps to allow me to get where I want to be. Instead, I’m just sad because I don’t know what the outcome of those steps will be. 

I want the time to find myself & become just me. I need to love me for me first. 

I also wish I knew that I am going to find someone who is going to love me & my son, who is going to want the same things I want. We’re going to have our own interests as well as interests that we share. When we don’t agree, he will want to talk it out with me. When we’re happy, he will show me that. I want to know everyday that I’m loved. And appreciated. And wanted. 

I’m just sad right now & I really want to be happy. I want to fast forward through this BS right now & just skip to the good part, but I don’t want to miss my son’s growth in between. 

I don’t know.  I just need a vacation.  And a good cry. 

[justneedtogetitout]

I did it.

For as long as I can remember- not the entirety of the relationship, but for a very long time, I’ve felt just bleh. 

Are you happy to see your partner when they come  home? Do they light up your day? Do you get excited about your love life? Can you count on them & depend on them? Emotionally. Adventurously.  Do you feel like you & your partner are on the same team? Do you feel loved? Appreciated? Wanted? Needed?

If your answer is no to any of these, you should probably work on your relationship. Together. As a team. 

If your answer is no to literally all of these, why on earth are you still there? Is it because “they’re not that bad” & you’re comfortable & “what about the kids?” 

Ask yourself if this is the “love” you want your children to share with their future partner. Is it good enough for them? If it’s not good enough for them, it’s absolutely not good enough for you either! Set an example! It’s OK to leave a situation you’re not happy in! People should know this. This should be normal & accepted! 

Can I just remind myself one more time why I ended this? Just for those days in the future when the separation is finally complete & I might be lonely, or rejected after another bad date & for whatever God awful reason I think maybe I screwed up- 

Remember this: He never woke you up with a kiss. Or a “good morning beautiful”. Never.  He never gave you a hug or kiss good bye.  He never said I love you. Unless he wanted something, which is worse! He never complimented you. Not your looks. Not your accomplishments. Nothing. And when you fished for compliments, it always backfired. “Should I wear spanks under this?” he scoffed & said “uh- yeah” remember? He never cared to ask about your day even though you inquired about his every single day.  He wasn’t a gentleman. Did he ever open/close the car door? No. In fact all his manners & chivalry was just garbage. Rarely a please or a thank you. Never. Ever. An apology. Ever. Remember, “I didn’t think you were this thoughtful”.  He never gave you a honey I’m home touch of any kind. No hug from behind when you’re cooking. No drive by booty spank. No touching of any kind. Unless, of course, he was to be rewarded for it in some way..  Speaking of touching. Your love life was garbage. Never ever let your lover get lazy again. And don’t you dare give in to something you don’t want to do because you feel bad. Fuck that. You deserve to feel good just as much the man does. Ugh! And Ick! None of that.  And the house work. And the yard work.  How many times did you rake the whole yard by yourself? How many times did you shovel the whole walk & driveway by yourself? While he did what? Sat inside & watched the game. Or sat in the basement avoiding the world.  How many times did you ask him to do the dishes, make dinner once or twice a week, fold the laundry... make any attempt whatsoever to split the work load with you? And the socks. And the facial hair in the sink. And the living out of a laundry basket because he would refuse to put his own damn clothes away. And the inability to throw anything away. Or put anything away.  Even on camping trips, he’d just sit there. Want to ride bikes with us? Want to go on a hike? A walk? No. No. No. Have to burry your head in your phone & guard the tent. Excellent.  And remember you got a Y membership for the family- so we could all go & exercise together. Let me remind you- he joined you twice & you had that membership for 2 years.  And all the times you asked to walk together, or walk the dogs together. Or go on a bike ride together. No’s all around. Remember? And all the fad diets he would want to try & you would have to cook & he would inevitably relapse in to his old eating habits.  And little things too, like watching “our” show without you. How excluded did he want you to feel? How unloved? He just didn’t care.  And his spending! How many credit cards did he have without your knowledge? How many times did he ask to borrow money for his truck payment? How many times did you help him with his bills due to his own bad choices? And then you would try to help him budget & get better & make the right choices & he would just push you further away. Like this is clearly not your business... but “can I have $XXX for xxx?” And remember, you paid for just about every vacation by yourself too. Not to mention the fact that you also planned every vacation by yourself. Not for lack of trying to include him.  And there was no initiative to plan your wedding with you either. I know it lands largely on the bride, but the groom is still included in the planning. He didn’t even get down on one knee!! Should have been a deal breaker right there!

He never kissed you goodnight. 

The list goes on. And on and on and on. 

Girl, there was something wrong with that relationship, in every facet of the relationship.  You 1 billion percent made the right choice.  Being alone is countless times better than being in a relationship that doesn’t fill your cup. 

DO

NOT

SETTLE. 

It’s crazy what you deserve. 

[justneedtogetitout]

Do all relationships get like this?

Four years & two stubborn people. I don’t know what to do.

So in the morning, I get up & I shower, get dressed, & brush my teeth. I wake up our son, get him dressed & ready for the day. I take our dog out & feed him breakfast. I take meat out of the freezer for dinner. I take our son to daycare, & I go to work. Full time, just like you. I come home & clean up your mess, and our son’s mess, & our dog’s mess. I make dinner. Then I clean up that mess. I take our dog for a walk. I get our son ready for bed. I fold clothes, I wash dishes. I take the garbage out. I get myself ready for bed, I try to find time to read a few pages of my book, & I go to sleep. On the weekends, I grocery shop & I deep clean. Floors, windows, laundry, bedding, scrub the bathrooms, clean out the fridge, the list goes on. 

In the morning, you wake up, take care of yourself & go to work. Full time, just like me. You pick up our son, come home, kick off your socks & shoes, get in to sweats, grab a snack & a drink, & get started on your homework. I try not to bug you except to ask what you want for dinner, or to let you know it’s ready. You eat dinner, move your dishes to the sink, & get back to homework. You go to bed, & wait for me. On the weekends you have one job depending upon the season. Clean gutters, mow lawn, or snow blow the driveway. You also grill for me if that’s what is on the menu. Thank you. 

When I make it to bed, usually after you, you ask me some sexual question that is encouraging of, “are you going to start something”, to which I think “I’ve done a million things already today, can you start this one?” but I say, “I’m tired”, or “I have a headache”, or “it’s late”.. All of which are true. All of which could translate to, "why don’t you initiate?”, or “haven’t I done enough for you already?”. You have no idea how badly I want to feel like you actually appreciate me, or how bad I want to feel like you actually want me. Do you know how happy a simple “thank you” would make me? Our two year old has it figured out. Could you let me know if you still think I’m beautiful? Do you know how great it makes me feel when you touch me? Even a hug that I didn’t ask for. Or if you pull me in to your arms in bed.. like you used to. That always made me feel so good. 

I try to explain this to you and you essentially say “ditto”. I’m heartbroken. Ditto. Are you kidding me? You feel unloved & unappreciated, & taken for granted? Even though I tell you I love you. Even though I hug you and kiss you, just because? Even though I let you know you look so handsome when you trim your beard? Even though I do almost everything when it comes to our son, our home, & our dog? 

You know what else is hard? Knowing that I am trying & you are not. Thinking, I don’t need this, and then looking at our son & forcing myself to think of the good times, because it’s better for him if I stay. I know you are fun. I know you are a good man. I know we have good times together. Still. Occasionally. I also know that you snap at me for no reason. I know you have no interest in ever admitting when you hurt me. I know I have never in four years heard you apologize to me. I also that know you do sweet things for special occasions. I know you do sweet things for no reason. Like sushi lunch, just because. I know whenever we’ve had this discussion/argument in the past it ends in you making empty promises. “I’ll go for walks with you when it get’s warm” “I’ll do the dishes from now on” “I’ll make dinner at least once a week”. 

But usually, when it comes to how you make me feel, you have nothing to say at all. As if what I claim is all fable. I’m making it all up to make you feel bad. To start an argument. That’s what hurts the most. All I want is to know that what I think & feel is not true. I want to know that you do love & appreciate me. I want to know that you think I’m beautiful & you still want me. 

I’m done having this argument.  I’m done initiating sex.  I’m done -

What are you going to do? Start fresh tomorrow, as if I wasn’t crying to you last night.  Yeah, that’s what I thought. Just as predictable as your empty promises. 

[justneedtogetitout]

My kid that's not My kid

Can I vent? I need to vent.

I have a brother who had this ridiculous one night stand in October 2013 and got a girl pregnant. They tried to make a good relationship out of it, but she's crazy & he doesn't know how to grow up. SO! Four+ years later, the "baby" is almost 4, his mom is crazy, but of course has custody. Dad still hasn't grown up, but manages to keep a steady job. And I constantly worry about the child.

I have a son. He is my sweet little 2 1/2 YO monster & I love him more than life. I also have a lot of love and maybe even more concern for my nephew. He is constantly being shipped off to Mom's, dad's, grandparent's, the babysitter, my house. I once asked my nephew where he lives because his mom recently moved. I thought he might know the street name... Instead he began naming off all the people that he stays with over the course of a week or month.. I honestly don't think he knows where he lives, or who he lives with because his environment is constantly changing. Of course my house is one of those places. I get to watch him periodically when his mother decides that she likes me this week..

I created my account today because this weekend is father's day. Do you think my brother is spending the weekend with his son? No. In fact he had plans that took him up state with his pregnant girlfriend (different girl, of course). What are they doing, you ask? Hiking, camping, going to a petting zoo, among other things that an almost 4YO would love to do with his daddy who is his hero. Instead, I will have my nephew for the evening and unfortunately he will spend the rest of the weekend with his mother who has grounded him... I don't know why, it was just a request that I do not allow him to watch TV & he gets no special treats because he is grounded...

Sigh... Sigh, is what I do quite often when I think of the situation that is this poor kid's broken family. I've had so much more than enough with these two useless parents failing to raise their sweet young man. All they do is argue about who takes him, and when, and who is paying for what and so on. I wish I could just take him. I'll give him a stable home and a regular schedule. I don't need a dime in child support. He'll always know where he's going to sleep at night and he'll always be fed. He'll be fed decent meals and sit at the table with a family who loves him and cares about him and his day and his dreams. He will never be treated like a pet that needs to boarded because the adults in his life have their own thing going on. He will be loved as a son. As my son.

I wish it was just that easy. Just let me take him. I see the life changes that I've made for my son and it hurts me to know that my brother didn't take the same steps for his son. Just let me take him.