To My Dear Special Friend (C)
Hey! How are you? You know what, you've always been in my mind these past few days. I'm writing this letter cause I want to tell you "na miss kita. I'm glad you're back". I'm glad you're back in my life, isa ka na ulit sa nasa recent chats, message or calls ko. But more importantly I'm glad you're back, the "happy" you. I'm not worried anymore if we part ways if ok ka ba talaga. Di ko na iniisip na baka kailangan mo ng kausap kaya gusto mo makipag kita. I can sense that you're in a much better mental/emotional state right now than before. And I wish and pray na mag tuloy-tuloy ng ganyan ka. I sometimes (not always, kasi minsan nalilimutan ko. hehe) pray to God na i hug ka nya sa tuwing nalulungkot ka. Cause I know na hindi ka naman tulad ko na bigla-bigla na lang mag chachat ng "hey I need a friend or I'm not ok now". I wish you were that kind of person para sana na susuportahan kita or na bibigyan kita ng hug kung kailangan mo. Kahit hindi mo need, willing pa din kita i hug. HAHAHA, please always remember and keep in mind na willing ako tumakbo papunta sa'yo kung nasan ka man if kailangan mo ko. Kaso may note na ngayon, wag lang pag may flight ako ha? Hahaha, layas na kasi tong kaibigan mo eh. But on a serious note, please always remember that I will always make a time for you whenever you need me or not. I'm always here, silently praying and waiting for you.
Gusto mo ba malaman bat ganito ako ka drama? Kung hindi, wag mo na tuloy pag babasa mo. HAHAHAHA
Way back 2017 or 2018, I really thought and felt that I lose you. The conversations are dried. You barely reply to my chats. Most of the time you're not available to meet (or halos di talaga tayo mag kita). Nawala yung late night and deep talks natin every time pagod na tayo sa city and adult life na usually ginagawa natin nung bago pa lang tayo nag wowork. You wouldn't know or imagine how much I missed you that time and how much I'm afraid na ma cut ako sa buhay mo. I don't know where are you, what's happening to you. I really have no idea about you. Although on those years, we still met like once a year, it still not enough for me. We don't have much time to check on each other how are you really. We don't have much time to talk one on one what happen to you the past few months, days or years. I decided to keep on chatting you kahit na madalas di ka mag reply, just to show you that "hey! I'm still here, waiting". And para hindi mo rin malimutan yung existence ko. Kulit ko no? Hehe
Then 2019 comes, May 19, you called. Asking "where are you? Sumimba ka na?". Then nag aya ka bigla mag road trip. You wouldn't imagine how happy I was that time. Gusto ko ng tumakbo agad papunta sa'yo kaya lang sisimba pa ko. Haha, and I loved how you asked if nakasimba na ba ko. Cause yeah, kailangan ko muna sumimba bago mag gala. Hehe, and we got an unforgettable moment since nakarating tayong Nuvali, pero bago tayo makadating don ay lumagpas tayo sa exit dapat natin at nag detour pa muna sa Carmona dahil sa palpak mong navigator (and that's me!). HAHA, you know what? Since that day kinonsider ko ng sumimba ng 1st mass para if ever mag aya ka ulit bigla makakatakbo agad ako papunta sa'yo, and mas madami yung time na mag kakasama tayo. Pero syempre di ako lagi nasimba ng 1st mass, depende lang yun kung magising ako ng maaga. But you know what? I'm always waiting for your call and next aya ng "tara mall or tara road trip". Although natatagalan yung sumunod, I kept on waiting and made my self always available. Alam mo bang guiltyng guilty ako nung once na tanggihan kita kasi birthday yun ng kapatid ko. But you know what, I won't forget that day, that May 19, the very first time you called first and mag aya out of nowhere cause that's my reminder na "he's still here, he's still in my life. He didn't forget about my existence". I took a stolen picture of you and made it my wallpaper as my reminder "you're still here".
Then 2020 comes, pandemic days. I decided to open again my tumblr and found myself checking your blogs. I didn't know that you have blog in here that time that I can't reach you (2017, 2018?). I read all your struggles, heartaches, pain, and everything. I can't remember if I cried while reading it, but one thing I can't forget, I'm broken hearted. Nasaktan ako para sa'yo na kailangan mo pagdaanan lahat ng yon ng mag isa. Gusto kong akuin yung sakit, para mabawasan man lang yung nararamdaman mong pain that time. Gusto kitang i hug or i comfort but I feel like it's too late, I'm 2yrs late. But you know what's more painful on my end? I feel like I'm not enough to make you feel better, I'm not the person you need when you're in pain. Na kahit gano ko ipilit yung sarili ko sa'yo na "hey you're not alone, I'm here", I'm not the person you need. My presence is not enough. I also wonder if may instance ba na lumapit ka and natanggihan kita? Did I made you feel you're alone? That's when I decided na I need to make my self always available for you. Some quotes saying "don't make yourself always available, they might took you for granted". For me it's a no, I need to be there for you when you need me para di mo na maramdaman ulit na mag isa ka. Kahit pa ilang message ko ang di mo replyan, kahit pa ilang buwan o years tayo di mag kita or mag usap, pag sinabi mong kailangan mo ko tatakbo ako papunta sa'yo. That's what my thought is. Kaya pag feeling mo tinalikuran ka na or iniwan ka ng lahat ng tao, pag feeling mo wala kang masandalan, sabihan mo lang ako. I promise, I'll be there. Kahit umupo lang ako sa tabi mo, huwag mo lang maramdaman ulit na mag isa ka. Tandaan mo yan ha?
Then past forward to 2021 to present, we got a constant communication. Adulting hits us so hard nga lang na busy tayo both sa adulting life but at least we still talk sometimes kahit na di pa rin tayo madalas magkita. And I love it every time you call na dadaan ka sa bahay. Tapos may dala ka na lang bigla na food. Alam mo ba laging naka DND ang phone ko dahil night shift ako, pero nasa exemption ka na mag rring phone ko pag ikaw ang tumawag cause na miss ko once yung call mo since tulog ako. I want to grab every small opportunity that I can see or meet you. Muntik pa ko mag tampo sa'yo ng 2021 dahil di mo ko binati ng birthday ko, buti na lang may pa cake ka kaso August na. Hahaha
But the bottom line of this is I'm glad that we're still in each other life after all these years. And I'm happy to see you happy. I feel at ease seeing the jolly you, the very lively Carlo. I wish and pray for your genuine happiness in life. Labyu!
P. S. If you ever got a chance to read this, let me know. 🙂
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