I don't keep a journal or diary, but once in a while I just feel like writing. I do wish I was a better writer. I constantly feel like my conversational and writing skills keep deteriorating. Is it because technology is hindering my desire to have one-on-one conversations? Or is it because I'm becoming more and more introverted? I'm not sure why, but I've realized that I've become more anti-social since my high school days. Perhaps it's because I had to see the same faces everyday--I really had no choice but to hang out with the same friends as part of a daily routine. I'm in my last year of graduate school at Purdue. I've tried to make the best of it this semester, but I continue to overload myself with work (some things never change). I have, however, complained a lot less about TAing this year. I didn't even realize how much I hated it last year until my roommate pointed out that I complain a lot less now. Granted, it has been a lot easier this year--not in terms of the amount of work I have to do, but because I feel more comfortable teaching the material this time around. I really wish I had the time to master the programming languages that we teach. My freshmen students truly do amaze me. And just the engineering undergraduates here in general. They take on so much, probably even more than what I did in undergrad, and yet still maintain a balanced life between schoolwork and friends. It's very impressive.
Oftentimes I wonder if I was supposed to become an engineer. Even before choosing my major in high school, I thought space was the coolest thing ever. All of this started when I either had an homework assignment that asked to research the Moon, or I just randomly came across an article on the Moon when using my aunt's old desktop HP computer. Man, that computer was slow. All of the memories of living in that town house are rushing through my mind right now. When you entered the door way, the stairs were on the left..the computer table slightly on the right..and our fish tank with turtles to the right of that. The counter top to the kitchen was right behind the computer table. And the room behind that was the living room, where we always had a dim yellow light on as we watched the Chinese channel. It's been a long time since I've pictures this place so vividly. So many memories.
Of course there is no fluidity to this post. I'm not even sure "fluidity" is a word. It probably isn't. The real reason why I'm writing today is because I need some clarity in my life. Tis the season of job hunting at Purdue (much earlier than at UCSD for most people) and I got nothin'. Now, I'm not too surprised that I haven't gotten any phone calls or emails, simply because I know my GPA is not the greatest and because I never really decided on what part of Astronautical Engineering I wanted to go into. That was the whole point of grad school, wasn't it? I kept telling myself that, but I'm starting to realize that maybe getting a Master's in Astro was just a stepping stone in my career path. If I bring it back to undergrad, majoring in Aerospace Engineering was neat, challenging, but more geared towards Aeronautics. Grad school was almost necessary for me, personally, since I needed to decide if I was actually interested in the Astronautics side of Aerospace Engineering. And it turns out, I'm probably not cut out to be an Astronautical Engineering after all. I mean, space is great, but if someone had told me back in high school that I could end up working at NASA and being involved in space exploration missions WITHOUT becoming an Aerospace Engineer, I might've taken a completely different career path. I just don't think I'm as bright and creative as some of the engineers out there -- especially compared to my friends here at Purdue. Man, when I take classes with some of them, I just feel so out of place. Yeah, they might've taken some astro classes back in undergrad, but the way they think so in depth and quickly simply amazes me. They are such a smart bunch. How am I supposed to compare with them? I'm at such a critical point in my life/career that I really can't be second guessing my abilities, but I am. What am I going to do after I graduate in May? Many people around me are getting jobs, so the pressure is really on. All this pressure + overworking myself really isn't doing me any good. In times of stress and hopelessness, where do I go? A lot of my friends here are devout Christians, so they count on God. Me, not so much. I just wasn't raised that way. Man, so many tangents going on here. It'd be a really good time to have one of those "turn off the lights and just chat" moments right now. Anyway, I am hoping and praying that things will work out for me. Usually I don't pray for myself, but it's one of those times where I really hope there will be a sign or SOMETHING that'll give me some direction on what I should do next. Please, let this sign come soon.
