for some reason, without even needing to look at him, julianne knew he was crying. maybe it was because they had memorized each other’s habits and movements so much during the time they were together. she remembered rainy, winter days where they’d go over to his house and cuddle in bed, with the lights off. they’d laugh and talk and make out until one or both of them fell asleep. they couldn’t afford to go on lavish dates like most others in their school could. but for some reason, those afternoons were the ones that remained most prominently in her head. they reminded her of the best times. even now, whenever it rained ( which happened almost daily in seattle at this time of year ), all she could think of was him. maybe it was only appropriate that it was raining again for this interaction.
she didn’t know what reaction she was expecting when she brought up the past yet again. for some reason she expected him to pull away or even leave then and there. she could feel his heart pounding against her own chest, and she only held onto him tighter because of it. she could swear that even through the pouring rain, she could feel his tears drip from his eyes and down to fall on her neck. it only made her feel more guilty. obviously she couldn’t take back the past. she couldn’t go back four years and fix the mistakes she’d made. she wished she could, but she couldn’t. this was what they had left to deal with now. at his deep exhale, her body stiffened slightly. this was it; the moment of truth. she knew now he’d express his true thoughts about it all, rather than just push her away again. if he did that… that would be it for her when it came to trying to convince him to forgive her for her actions, for her mistakes. it would be obvious that nothing would get past his hard exterior.
but then he was speaking fast, all too fast, and she closed her eyes tightly as all his words sunk in. it was a lot to take in. not one word he was uttering made her feel any better about it all. in fact, she only felt worse. then he mentioned her dad, and she thought her legs would give out beneath her then and there. she had no idea he’d thought that horribly against her father. that he would’ve hunted him down and gave him what he deserved. he would do that, he would risk his own safety for her and grace. “j-jaxon…” she sobbed softly when he said he’d asked his mom if she and grace could move in. now she felt selfish. taking his money, sobbing in his arms. the more she thought about his kindness, his selflessness, the more tears escaped her eyes. “i-i’m s-so sorry, i had no idea… i… i just p-panicked, i-i thought i was doing what was right b-because i wasn’t in my right mind at all… i-i know that now… and-and i can’t tell you how horribly i feel because of it…” she could practically feel the cash he’d gifted her burn a hole through her bag and against her thigh, but she knew trying to give it back wouldn’t amount to anything. he’d just reject it and tell her to keep it. that was definitely something he would do. pour his heart out to her and tell her how she completely shattered it then give her hundreds of dollars to support her sister. why she expected anything less from him, she didn’t know.
though it absolutely broke her heart to do, julianne paused then slowly stepped away from him, moving her arms to wrap around herself now, though the comfort wasn’t nearly there. not like it was with jaxon. but she didn’t deserve his embrace. his pity. any of it. “please, d-don’t… don’t come up to me after shows anymore… don’t try to give me more money…” she murmured, sniffing and wiping her eyes before stepping back again. “jax… i don’t deserve you… i don’t deserve this… i did the shittiest thing i could possibly do to you a-and you’re still here, wanting to help.” she pushed her wet hair back and away from her eyes as she let out another sob, tilting her head down. she may pay the dear price of a cold later, but this conversation needed to be had. she needed to put both of them on the path to closure. “i-i still hold you close to my heart, jax, but please cut me out of yours…” with that, she shook her head and began walking swiftly down the sidewalk on her own, which was no easy feat with six-inch heels on the soaking wet concrete. but she needed the escape, to be away from him as soon as possible. otherwise they’d both only face more heartbreak.
Although he’d trailed off, unable to allow his true underlying feelings to continue to be made known in a spew of word vomit, it was as if on cue that Julianne seemed to pick up from where he left off, which gave him a slim chance to compose himself and recollect his thoughts. An arm lifted again from the brunette so Jaxon could hurriedly rub a hand over his face to discard of any stray tears, as if this would completely wipe the emotion from his features, but the reassurance of her feeling absolutely guilt-ridden and obviously quite torn up still over the how they’d parted ways only left him feeling more mixed up and confused than ever. In fact, he hardly had time to really, thoroughly process this information before he felt her pull away from his hold, leaving him with a hollowed sadness he hadn’t had displeasure of harbouring for quiet some time. There was honestly nothing he could do about it though, so that passionate grip that had locked her against his chest magically dispersed, gangly arms falling limp to his sides as he slid his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Not only was it a clear sign of defeat, his stubborn efforts still unable to adequately squeeze his former lover back into some part of the life he was now leading, but it was also, in one way or another, a baby step forward in letting her go, which was absolutely absurd considering that was the last thing he ever wanted to do with Julianne.
The flow of her next chosen words caused brown irises to leave the brunette altogether, gaze cast down to his feet and the sidewalk, tracing out every crevice in the pavement rather than choosing to look at any part of her. The first spent apart had been agonizing; a dastardly pain he’d never felt so intensely before, and his mind hardly ever spared him a moments peace without any little thing reminding him of Julianne. As the next few years dragged on, it got a little easier with the distraction of narcotics and new found friends who shared his toxic interests, but every now and then, the brunette had still managed to cross his mind. Now, with this undergoing plaintive reunion, it was as if Jaxon was being forced to start all the way back at the first year again. And he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to have to live without her for a second time, even if it meant intolerable suffering on his part. She was the last good thing he’d cherished in life, the last time he could remember being sincerely, utterly happy, and he was desperately trying to grasp at any loose thread he could hold on to from that part of his life. But she was backing away, detaching herself from him not only physically now, and with it, she was tugging that thread right out through his fingers. Every last word that she spoke before turning away him, mercilessly hit against his heart like sledgehammer, leaving him unable to even utter a single word in protest to her departure as a result.
“I can’t,” he finally croaked out through the lump in his throat, still watching Julianne walk away as quickly as he could imagine she was able to do in those heels. “I can’t just cut you out. Like, my fuckin’ God— what does that even mean?” It was then that his feet slowly started to move again, carrying him toward her without really acknowledging the fact, much too wrapped up in her trying to just end all means of communication between them. Again. “Explain to me what the means, explain to me how you just— expect me to be able to wipe you completely out of my life. My memories, my thoughts, my fuckin’ feelings?” It didn’t take long for him to catch up to her, the difference in footwear probably being a major factor along with his determined strides, and soon he was stepping out in front of the brunette, forcing her to at least falter her movements if not stop altogether. “You just made me spill my guts out to you, and you’re gonna walk away?!” If the hurt anger hadn’t been evident to her in his tone of voice before, it surely had to have been displayed in the twisted expression capturing his features. However, just as quickly as it built up and erupted through the otherwise quiet night, it seemed to sizzle out just as fast into a cold, sardonic cloud of smoke, the hint of a sneer causing the corners of his mouth to quiver slightly. “But whatever. Right? Whatthefuckever. You’ve done it before, must be easy now; a fuckin’ cakewalk.” With that practically spat out at her feet, Jaxon swerved around Julianne, brisk walking eventually turning into a light jog in the opposite direction to put as much distance between them as humanly possible. If this was meant to be closure, then so be it. He would close every door, every window, and board them all shut as if hoarding himself away from the apocalypse (which he was convinced would strike any time soon with the bad luck everything seemed to be suffering through as of late). Hurting him once, shame on her, but digging the knife in a little deeper the second time? Shame on him for being the idiot who pretended not to care, only to end up secretly caring a little too much.
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