Nihil @kadota-moribund - Tumblr Blog

Inner Child

Silent, mild

Stay within your cage

Bury all your rage

I have spent almost half my life....trying to be worth something to you...

To find out that my head wasn't lying to me and I have always been your second choice...your leftovers....your "take what's left"....

Has left me more broken than I ever thought I could be...

eerie--eyed

my brain is fundamentally destroyed and ill never be able to trust anyone. good morning

You tell me every time that we will find a day to talk about things. But you never follow through. That is always left to me. And you know I won't bring it up because I've told you how anxious I am to start those conversations. But you? Expect you to take the first step and show that you care about resolving things? Right....maybe if that resolution involved him. You know...the one that is "everything you wanted"....yeah. It's been hard to ignore that ache. But even that day. I held to my promise. I listened. I comforted. I validated you. I didn't judge you. I didn't get upset. I just listened while you let out your hurt over him to me. Even though hearing you say that cut so deep. I swallowed the knife of your words and kept my focus on you. Made it my priority to be there for you in the way you needed. Something I promised you I would do better with. I've held up my promise. Why can't you....?

And speaking of him....you pride yourself, almost brag even, about how you don't trash him on social media. But last night you made it perfectly clear I do not hold that same value to you. Not only did you trash me. You did it with lies. And then made it a contest for sympathy. Following it up with not even standing up for me to other people. But I shouldn't be surprised by that....he has always held a higher level of importance to you. He's always on your pedestal. "I don't trash my ex on social media, I wish him well and want good things for him. But I shit on my current partner on social media. But hey look how much I don't shit on my ex."

.......I am beside myself with how much more he will always matter to you than I do...

I....am so tired....of constantly living in his shadow. Constantly reminded of how I will never be what you wanted. A neverending lesson that I will always be nothing compared to him. No matter how hard I try....

And look at that....I don't want any part of those groups anymore. Once again you have chased me away from things you insisted you wanted me to be a part of. But when you are so comfortable trashing me like that....I have no desire to surround myself with people that are so comfortable contributing and encouraging you to do that. So there you go...you win again. Enjoy those groups with your friends. I'm sure you'll all have a better time knowing you all can trash me because none of you will have to play nice to my face anymore....

Why do I even fucking bother....

No matter what I do. There will always be something I'm not doing right. Not doing enough.

I'm so fucking tired of living up to expectations you can't be bothered to have for yourself.

Oh a mess has been sitting for two hours? Something that is not staining anything. Not going to cause any damage or smell. Just the fact that it's sitting there for two hours. That I will obviously pick up because I pick up so many fucking messes without you even having to say anything or even knowing about it. But after two years I still can't get you to turn off the fucking TV before you leave when I tell you every god damn day. Fucking ridiculous.

But I'm in trouble because I didn't pick something up for two hours. My bad. I forgot that there are expectations of me when you want me to do something but fuck me if there's something I want you to do.

Then getting pissed off at me for telling you what's wrong WHEN YOU FUCKING TOLD ME TO TELL YOU. Then following it up with telling me what I'm upset about, spoiler alert, that's not what I was upset about. And I told you what had me upset. You chose not to hear it and made the decision for me. Then told me I was arguing with you.

You cannot have it both fucking ways. You either want me to talk to you about what's bothering me or you don't. You don't get to demand that from me and then decide what my thoughts are and use that as a way to say I'm arguing with you. Fucking bullshit!!!!!

a-half-hearted-smile

sad blog

You're still continuing to post and the only things you're saying is showing what you're really concerned about.

You care more about what people think of you and your reputation than you do about how you treat me. In your words....that's cute.

acollectionofbrokenthings

“You deserve better” is an interesting way of saying I’m not worth getting better for

benjiiixd

Stop telling me that you’re always there for me. We both know that you’re not. Stop lying.

mizaryy

can’t even reach out because of how scared I am of being ignored or brushed off. why don’t you care about me enough to notice I am hiding?

why aren’t I worth it?

I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry all my days aren't good. I'm sorry I have emotions. I'm sorry I have struggles of my own. I'm sorry I have traumas. I'm sorry I have hurt that I haven't healed yet. I'm sorry I don't fuck you every night or for weeks at a time. I'm sorry I cry. I'm sorry I have trust issues. I'm sorry I don't keep my mouth shut when you continue antagonizing me. I'm sorry I don't always know what to say to help calm you down. I'm sorry I feel like a burden to you. I'm sorry I AM a burden to you. I'm sorry I'm not "everything you wanted". I'm sorry I'm not him. I'm sorry that I broke your rules and posted somewhere people we know could see it.

I'm sorry for ever thinking it's okay for me to share my thoughts. I'm sorry for thinking my struggles mattered too. I'm sorry I'm worthless. I'm sorry I'm not skinny. I'm sorry I'm ugly. I'm sorry I'm not exciting. I'm sorry I'm a waste of oxygen. I'm sorry I'm pathetic. I'm sorry I'm weak. I'm sorry for every time I opened my mouth about anything that hurt me. I'm sorry for allowing anyone to care about me. I'm sorry for being a nuisance. I'm sorry I'm a constant stress in your life.

I'm sorry I'm an inconvenience. I'm sorry I'm me...

I'm sorry I'm still breathing...

It doesn't matter how much I'm struggling. How much hurt has filled my chest until it's flooding from my eyes. I better not dare allow anyone to share company with me when I'm at my weakest moments.

Fucked up again today and posted somewhere other than here. Got a quick reminder of why that was the wrong choice. So why am I the one required to not share a single thought? And if I do it just becomes a game of who is gonna post more. Not to mention the instant words of how it's apparently a contest of who gets more reactions/comments on those thoughts.

And in those comments more ridicule.

This is exactly why I keep my bullshit here. Because then no one knows I'm suffering and you get to post whatever you want. God forbid I post anywhere else and someone offers support when I'm struggling. That's only okay for you.

Even now when I desperately need someone to show me I'm not so fucking worthless. Chased back to the dark corners of my Tumblr to endure alone. Why do you want me so isolated...? Why is it only okay for you to scream your cries for help buy not me...? Why am I judged and punished for my bad days and required to lift you up for yours...?

I'm tired....I'm so tired....just let me sleep for eternity....

Why am I always the fuck up?

i-will-recover-tomorrow

I used to think apologizing was important...I only half agree now...

It is if I owe the apology to someone...but not for me.

I don't want them anymore....the point has been made far too clear for me to have that delusion anymore. Me having normal human emotions, struggling with RSD, manic bipolar, severe depression....all of it is just me playing victim...right? That's what you say when I express any emotion that isn't complete contentment.

So if I'm just "playing victim" then I am not owed an apology....please stop giving them to me. Especially when the apology comes some point after the argument, but only after you've messaged me about something unrelated that is affecting you. What follows then is me giving you support and comfort through whatever other thing is tormenting you. Then when you've calmed down from that...that's when you apologize for the hurtful things you said to me....

So please just don't anymore....I don't need them...I'm not owed any. Especially not when I'm "playing victim" in your eyes....

I get the only apology I need in the form of silence from the four walls around me....crying in the only place it's acceptable....

Tumblr oh tumblr...

The only one that listens....the only one that hears me when I'm screaming and the world around me has gone deaf. Ignoring my cries and pleading for anyone to care...

But they never will...

The only place I can let all the hurtful thoughts pour out of me...without judgement...without hateful words...at least my personal page won't tell me I'm playing the victim. When my mind is on fire with all the ways I wish I was freed from this world...

But the thoughts still reach me here. Even knowing that my own page won't lash out at me. My mind still torments me...with all the ways that I'm insignificant and mean nothing. Telling me that I'm just whining and doing exactly what I've always been told. Playing victim. I forgot....I'm not supposed to talk about it....I'm not allowed to feel. Unless it is complete devotion to someone. I'm only allowed to physically satisfy someone...nod my head in agreement and keep my mouth shut....I wish I could shut it off....be the perfect sex toy boyfriend that doesn't complain....no emotion other than obedience....maybe then....I'd be loved. Maybe then I wouldn't be such a nuisance and a bother....maybe then I'd be wanted....

I wish someone would care enough to listen to my heartache...when I need someone to cry to...someone to confide in when I'm holding all my shattered pieces together...but I can't do that. Because that only gets me in trouble. Because that just becomes a driving force in the next argument...someone dared to listen to my hurt and I let myself be vulnerable to them...spilling all the hurtful thoughts my brain is telling me to believe...that suddenly means that person is better...and so many other things that aren't true....but me fuck me right? Can't let myself be vulnerable to you or I'm doing something wrong. It's an insult, guilt-tripping, playing victim or whatever phrase you choose for the day...can't confide in anyone else because that's also an affront to you...

The only option is to not feel....only allowed to let out any of my pain if I'm confined to the four walls of this bedroom. And don't forget alone. No other presence, no comfort, no ear to listen. Solitude. Only myself and these walls. Echoing back my suffering until my body loses energy and I can no longer cry. All of it getting stuffed back into every corner of my mind until it resurfaces again. If the emotion I have doesn't benefit you or lead to you getting sexual satisfaction then I'm not allowed to have it. Unless I am completely alone in this room.....I forgot. Only then am I useful.

I wish I could be "everything you wanted".....

So I'll do my best to not feel...maybe then I won't be such an insult to you...

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Nihil