[stellaeetoculus]

they say you dream in black and white–shades of grey. the magnitude of life could not live on when you close your eyes they say. static//flash//black. everything was monotone except your laugh. i love you. i love you. i love you.  i say things in threes like a spell. you could ask me what’s wrong but i couldn’t tell. i miss halogen, neon orange red. (your skin painted in fire.) i love you excited, i love you weird, i love you tired. i dream awake of you in technicolor and its halfway to reality. waking up is twice as bitter. being with the real you is four times sweeter. it’s okay. dreams make me twice as happy. poets love a bit of misery (and sometimes, company).

i miss you when the lights go out. (x)

[stellaeetoculus]

generosity: giving what they need and it’s usually never what they want. i wonder about you sometimes and mostly wonder why. i loved thunderstorms for you and you complained about wet shoes; if i could make you downpour for me even for a minute i would (but that would be cruel). now i love like sunshine (i have always been a summer child, but you never remember that). i fall asleep to acoustic guitar and think about what i’d say if you ever tried. i think i’d laugh pretty hard– i mean, talk about irony darling. but mostly, i think i might just cry.

out of sync (x)

[stellaeetoculus]

we’re all sorry for words that never happened. on worse days i’m sorry for every time i thought of laying down across the highway. but it can’t be helped–i breathe words some days and your echoes others. i’m not in the business of forevers. i wake up crying and think i’d rather you cry over me than forget me tomorrow. i love you i love you but i’d rather share the sorrow. because there are certainties even in this age: the night sky is dark, new york is alive, and you will not stay. so i breathe smoke hoping to leave an echo of you in my lungs. tomorrow you’ll ask me if everything’s okay (and it won’t be trust me), but i’ll just tell you we’re fine. don’t worry hon, all you need is a good cry

- LOVE ON ONE WAY STREETS & APOLOGIES (X)

[kaetnika]

he's still shines bright to me. i tell her to never love someone who doesn't treat you like a queen. but he bleeds kindness, and i've never laughed so freely. i tell her, love don't idealize anyone, don't let him hold up your sky. but he's made of promises, and i'd trust him with my life. i tell her, god, don't fall in love. don't look at someone with stars in your eyes, unless they're finding constellations in yours too. but god, i give advice but who ever follows their own? and everything screams for me to let you go. don't say you don't love me.  honey, i know.

just friends.

[kaetnika]

PSA: closing down

Hey guys, as I’m not very active here anymore, I will be officially not using this blog anymore.

I’m still going to write, it’ll just be posted on my main blog stellaeetoculus which is mainly an aesthetic/pop culture blog right now. The two can mix together quite well I believe. 

Thanks for all the support, check out my main blog if you have the chance :)

[kaetnika]

today i remembered back when we were close. we were talking and walking and for a minute i forgot almost. it was a moment hanging in time like the, beat of a heart or echo of a C# in the air. i laughed and you smiled and life would be fair. remember back then i used to think i could love you to death. i could love you so much i wouldn't need it in return. i thought i could love enough for both of us but i learned. the moment i fell is frozen in time i think i remember you chubby faced and i thought i had to give you me for you to be mine. i thought you were bass and i could be treble. i thought you could be good and i'd be your rebel. and the moment's gone just a echo in time. that bounced back today and i heard it just fine. i heard you loud and clear my dear i could give you the stars, honey i could give you a galaxy and you wouldn't accept my heart.

do you remember?

[kaetnika]

what a star, you know stars are all alone, they float in space and they seem like an inch apart in our sky but oh, they're a million lightyears apart,  its like you and me it seems like there's only a few miles between us . but i could spend my whole life time traveling faster than the speed of light. and i still wouldn't reach you. and people connect the space between us to make pretty shapes, like how i'll cry a little bit and make this shitty poem about how much time went to waste. we'll be pretty shining all alone. fuck my life i just want to stay home.

starry eyed, stars denied

[kaetnika]

hey my love do you feel me, trying to reach you but pretend i never screamed. hello pride i say as he sets up a wall. hell to you too he says and tells me to hide. hide behind me i'll protect you from being weak. you'll be perfect holding the world under their feet. hello little girl he says you need to hide your heart.. he says time out, time to lock down and throw away the key it's better this way, trust me. i let it free i let it free it  i think i loved so hard it burst and shattered. and they threw away the shards and laughed so hard, "silly girl thought we loved her too" pride builds a wall and says "i told you so." i told you i told you we're better off alone.

when you love freely.

[kaetnika]

it's december and you said you needed warmth you said you needed fire and i grimaced and my smile was sardonic but i pulled out a match and lit myself aflame because that's what you implied that i had to do. i burned and burned and you took my fucking warmth and you said lol thanks and left you're-- such A FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU STOLE EVERYTHING THAT WAS WORTH TAKING AND WHEN I ASKED FOR MY ASHES BACK. you laughed and said you dashed them to the sea wasn't that so funny? like a burial of what i gave you because it didn't matter at all. it didn't matter at all because i didn't matter YOU WERE THE MOON IN THE SKY AND ONE DAY I HOPE YOU CRY I HOPE YOU CRY THE SEA YOU LET ME DROWN IN. I HOPE YOU CRY BECAUSE I LOVED YOU AND YOU THREW IT TO THE WIND AND LAUGHED BUT YOU WONT BE ABLE TO LAUGH YOUR NEXT PROBLEM AWAY. and I won't be there to clean up.

stupid stupid stupid.

[kaetnika]

don't stare at the sun. it's ultraviolet light, burning your corneas to a crisp like the way you said her name on the 7th of september. you said it like a light too bright you said, i'm blind i cannot see all the good that you've shown me. i'm so blind i stared i stared TOO LONG AND I JUST WANTED TO FEEL THE WARMTH OF LIGHT BUT NOW, it's dark. and i cannot see you.

when you play with fire..

[kaetnika]

you.

Sometimes I think about fate and I think of those, lines that run across your palms like crossroads and i wonder, if it's true that we were supposed to meet and run together, or that i was supposed to care so much for someone, so intent on leaving me behind.

sometimes I think about hope and i think, of blood in my veins and blood in yours and i remember, that if i needed blood yours would attack mine and cause, my nerves to set themselves on fire as they rejected you more strongly, than i ever could bring myself to (even when i needed to).

sometimes i think about you. i think that we could have a happy ending like a fairytale, i think we could be so stupidly happy together. but we won't be.

[kaetnika]

they say loving someone is trusting them not to hurt you, but leaving yourself open to let them. well honey i guess that means i love you, i love you so much i let you try to kill me and, are you satisfied? are you satisfied i think, remember back then when we were both, ships lost at sea? remember when i let you board my ship just to burn it, and you left me to drown? are you satisfied i still am drowning for you, and you found your port. i think i drowned knowing you had, a home to go to. well i can't blame you. one of us had to sink.

[kaetnika]

there are stories that stay with you, and you carry them around. i think this one's as dear to me as a best friend, i love this story so much sometimes i think i'd rather be a story, than live the life i live. i would rather be a story because you see: every character grows and gets stronger, and sometimes there's no hope but they don't give up. and it's hard for me to see that i'm growing. somedays it feels like i'm just running in circles, somedays it feels like if i had an EXP bar it would always be, at zero because i'm not getting any stronger. sometimes i just need someone to remind me that the story isn't over yet.

-tales.

[kaetnika]

sometimes i am alone. when i am alone i justify it and say that now i'm strong enough to walk, without anyone by my side. i have no need for a human crutch, or a warm body to act as a shadow for. i am alone i love being alone sometimes. you know my thoughts are so much neater than the mess, that comes with human beings. people oh god people sometimes they scream, and scream and scream trying to be heard. i like my headphones and quiet tapping of my heart against my ribs as i, daydream of a world where i am a hero. and you think i must be so lonely but i am strong and it's okay. to stand alone as long as i'm happy standing there.

-aint it fun being all alone?

[kaetnika]

i haven’t slept i think my eyes are so dry i could fill them with tears and blood but, for that one second before they spilled over. i think they’d let me see your eyes better. oh honey i can’t see still but sometimes i think, i’d rather not see you now it’s unfair to you, you fell in love with sunlight and i used to be, your only light but i guess i can’t match him now. honey i never wanted to fight a war, remember when it was just us together, when we waged war on rules instead of regimes, but here i am your faithful soldier and maybe i got too close to the flame and, maybe i’m on fire too. you think i love fire and that if you get too close, you’ll surely burn with me. and i can’t bring myself to disagree. (do you remember before) (or are you looking at our memories under his sun?) (and seeing maybe it wasn’t as bright after all?) (in that case, i hope you forget.)

-the future. (not everyone gets rebirth—sometimes, all you get is the past)

[kaetnika]

have you ever seen someone so beautiful you don't even think they don't just steal your breath-- --they steal everything and you wonder why, it took you so long to see them in the first place. i fell for her like a piano crashing through the, 21st floor of a skyscraper in new york: a ugly dissonant sound as i heard, my sanity run for the hills. haha i think i'm fucking insane don't you know? i barely see you at all you're not even physically THERE most of the time you're just a figment of my deprived mind that I wish were real --except you ARE REAL and how do you exist you're made of myth and metaphor love described by a starving heart.

-i may be a bit crazy (for you.)

[kaetnika]

sexual orientation?

i identify as bi