6 years ago, I thought I’ve finally met the love of my life. I was 31 years old but had no previous experience in love so I didn’t know any better. I was swayed and believed in all his promises. I thought there was an US in the end.
When pandemic struck, all our plans of spending time together was halted. On our supposed 5th year together, he broke off our engagement. But then got back together. He said he was very sorry for hurting me and I accepted him. I thought we were ok. Everything was going as smooth as possible.
Second year into the pandemic, the Russia-Ukraine war happened. He would always say there was no hope left for us. We didn’t have any future together but I ignored him. Then a few weeks before our supposed 6th anniversary, he broke off with me again. He said that this time, it was final. I agreed but kept on holding on to the thought that he will take it all back eventually. He was just temporary muddle-headed because of everything’s that’s happening in the world. I was in denial for a few weeks and half-heartedly reaching out. I was cautious because he already hurt me one and I have never fully healed from it yet.
I don’t know if we’re just being stubborn or it’s just that we’ve really reached the end. There’s nothing left for us to save. Honestly, I don’t know how I’m feeling. If I still want to be with him. I forced myself not to feel anything. Kept myself busy with work and my newborn nephew and niece. They were the quiet my head needed.
I’m only sure of one thing. I don’t want to open my heart to anyone ever again. I’m way too old for trial and error. Although I am fully aware of my shortcomings and that I’m partly to blame for our broken relationship, I will never forgive him. I want him to live with the guilt of crushing my heart. For not keeping his promises. For taking my love and my supposedly closest friend.
I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forgive.
