КЯ

[kafkas-ya]

Joy isn't something collected out there, it's something you can uncover anywhere. The thing you realise has always been there with you when you wipe all that dust off your screen. You have a LOT of dust wow, what have you been up to all these years

It's not going to be the career, the one with the pretty eyes. It's the feeling of weightlessness when you let go of the illusions telling you what is what, the weight you wrote your name on. In a universe where everything is an illusion why adopt the ones that take your life away from you?

One can really get used to anything, we can choose what we get used to. When people say everyday is a new day they are telling you that you are not beholden to the person you were yesterday. Trying to force a consistent character, contrary to your instincts, is not helpful

So what's your problem? Is it the people? They talk a lot. And the ones that don't talk scream with their eyes. But they're not screaming at you, it's fully a them-thing

Uncover that thing in you. It's not happiness, it's the thing we've named happiness. It's untouchable

I know, I know. I hear you. it's still there though, I promise. Just like when we were kids

КЯ

[kafkas-ya]

When I have coffee by a busy bus station early in the morning I remember how it felt when I first left home. I am relieved that feeling is still in there, sometimes i feel like it's the one thing I'm chasing all of the time. Chasing those days that feel like weeks, seeing old colors in new light. Sometimes I worry some feelings can only be felt once, or a few times, before the edges dull forever.

The best and worst part of swimming is jumping in dry, getting straight into the body you need to enjoy the whole thing. When you're not cold anymore the water becomes an extension of the air, you can't get that feeling of jumping in again until you're fully dry

I wonder how it felt to jump into cold water for the first time. I wonder if my brain could forget it completely, I could come to know cold water all over again

[kafkas-ya]

I was never good at falling asleep. There's something about that transition from being there to not, it makes it too difficult. My best nights of sleep are the ones I forget I'm trying to sleep at all, because the moment my brain realises what's going on it does what it likes to do. Some people can fall asleep within a few minutes, I believe there is something deeply unsettling about these people. Your body just gives in? You decide to sleep and it happens?

I've had the problem my whole life. I have a memory of being unable to fall asleep before a day at kindergarten. I was up late, negotiating with the sun. It could come out, I was asleep. The sun doesn't listen to people.

Just so many knots, no relief. Tight chest and restless legs. It'd be nice to never need to sleep at all.

Then again, this is nice. None of you are here, it's just me. I can think whatever I want however slowly I want. I can get up to use the restroom and look out my window.

[kafkas-ya]

Let AI destroy the internet. We were never meant to spend much time here anyway

Invite me to your place, show me your art in person. We can talk about the figure you saw in the block before you chiseled it out or something. I hope it looks like shit

We can draw in the park, read our poetry at the bar. Maybe I won't need to write anything here anymore, I won't need to check the likes or read about SEO. We don't need to make art for everyone in the world every single time, maybe just the people in my world. my infinity

if we come back here let it be in small places, forums only your closest friends know about. the world can be huge and full of mystery again

good night !

[kafkas-ya]

The teenagers come out a few weeks later. They're a bit bigger, and very fluffy. They run faster, they require less attention. But the honking never ceases, it's always there. The honking.

[kafkas-ya]

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. The last thing you need to do after solving the problem is admitting the problem is solved, moving on

Harmony, equanimity, whatever. It is a difficult thing to strive for when you've only one body. Is how I'm feeling normal? Is this just how being alive feels? What am I supposed to do with all the restlessness

You don't have a judge when you're on your own. As liberating as that sounds it just ends up suffocating you. If you don't have a judge anymore you will create a new one, and if you don't tame its voice it won't speak so kindly. This body is the only one you've had, it's a mirror. How you see everything is a reflection of the reflection you see when you don't have anywhere to look but at yourself.

How different everything could seem

КЯ

[kafkas-ya]

If you and I travelled back to the beginning of the Earth's formation, living until now, we would have witnessed dirt come alive and contemplate itself. That's not magic?

Those who say this is all there will ever be had someone lie to them once. The lie that this is all one very specific thing, a designed thing. When that one thing couldn't be it anymore, they rationalised themselves out of existence. Infinity goes in two directions, and one can go the wrong way. If it feels like oblivion it is because it is.

I have good news: you don't know what you are. Your entire life is a mystery you will never understand, and what a gift that actually is. You could drown if you're there too long at the bottom of the ocean! Let's lie on our backs and go up and down with the tides

Have you ever seen an ugly ocean wave? no

КЯ

[kafkas-ya]

We used to make big worlds, and play in them. There would be a new one every few months. Each one was unique in how we'd get around, but they all had one thing in common: benches!

Every island, every continent. Every city, village. Random spots in the countryside. There were benches everywhere, and always something special next to it. Maybe a campfire, some logs. Sometimes we would brings gifts to help remember the good times

[kafkas-ya]

The trees survived three winters because they were wrapped with cloth. This requires two people and a rope, also something warm

[kafkas-ya]

On the other side of the courtyard there's a woman bringing items out one at a time. On wooden tables she places juice, a bowl of chips, an ashtray. The benches are big

There were days we'd go to the park, the one that was so old. It was so old I wondered how many people I've heard about had visited that park, and what they did there. Maybe we sat in the same spot, saw the same family of ducks generations apart.

Everyone at the park knew my name, and what language I spoke. They knew which fruits were mine

[kafkas-ya]

Are we going to hurt each other? Does it just hurt to grow? This whole living situation is going to deal a blow or two to you and me anyway

[kafkas-ya]

They leave their windows wide open, but they don't want you to look inside. If they catch you, they close the curtains

[kafkas-ya]

Nothing matters, but I care about everything. We all go to the same place, but what do you pack for lunch? Maybe a protein bar kinda guy. We have probably wished a good day to the same cashier

So it's all infinity? I'm looking into a mirror. Goes up and around, turtles all the way down. All right

[kafkas-ya]

There's a garden outside this city. You can see the whole river from there. It's a big garden made up of a bunch of tiny gardens. People are always walking through. Some of them tend to the flowers, others are just walking through. I don't have anything growing in mine, but they let me keep it anyway. I have an empty pot, I fill it up sometimes. Every year on my birthday all my friends give me more pots, and they smile. Sometimes I turn the pots upside down and sit on them.

[kafkas-ya]

When I was still living at home I remember one summer I couldn't sleep because of the heat. And one night, on top of that, there was a cricket in my room. There were little chirps coming from my closet, I have no idea how it got in there. It was around 3am, I got up and got some water. My dad was awake

My dad and I never had a good relationship with sleep. When I told him there was a cricket in my room he said: "mine too". Maybe he meant there was one inside of his head. He then peeled a grapefruit, one of the few things he would eat after midnight

In August the crickets would chirp every night. I miss that sound a lot. Sometimes, even now, I can still hear them. When I can't sleep and there's absolute silence, the sound of silence sounds like crickets to me

[kafkas-ya]

We were sitting on the balcony, I apologised. He said: "don't worry, man. Everyone's gotta get through the day somehow".

It smelled like chocolate as it often did. It was late, the wind was doing its thing. There was a chocolate factory not too far away. The view was nice, two rivers with some land in between. Trees everywhere. They seem pretty far apart when you get close

[kafkas-ya]

I have these fireballs under my skin, rolling around my veins in every corner of my body. They tell me to get up and burn something, set all the trees on fire. There's a park not too far east, we'd meet there daily.

The park was littered with these big highland cows, covered in fur and not easily bothered. I told the cows about my friends, and all the fireballs. Did you know highland cows have the fireballs too? I couldn't believe it. This one's just eating! So I played him a song