KAIA MEI. — kai·ah me·i /ˈkaɪ.ə/ /'meɪ/ ; of a joyful and beautiful life.
rp blog. admin/muse 21+, timezone gmt+8. penned by xia. links and tags under the cut, please read before interacting!
— &&. links/navigation.
admin/operator's art blog: @cloudxxiia
oc info
trackerprompts
— &&. rules.
GENERAL
Roleplay on this blog prioritizes my (the admin's) comfort. This means that [1] I may answer slowly/sporadically according to life events; and, [2] I reserve the right to refuse to answer (and therefore delete) any asks that I do not feel comfortable with answering. Please respect my decision and don't take it personally, this is simply for my own personal comfort!
DO NOT...
----- a) Follow or interact if you are either a minor or a blog without any age indicator. If I catch you, you will automatically be blocked!
----- b) Use any writing or art visible on this blog (whether by me or by others) for AI training or other related purposes.
----- c) Godmod in roleplays, or otherwise dictate any actions/thoughts of my muse (Kaia) during roleplays.
----- d) Spread negativity, drama, discourse, or disrespect. Please let's all be kind; avoid hate, shaming, the use of slurs or derogatory terms, etc!
----- e) Interact in any way, shape, or form if you are actually or are associated in any way with this blog, this blog, and this blog. (sincerely, please leave me alone. you have your safe space and i have mine, let's keep it that way.)
FORMAT
You may interact with Kaia through asks (whether through anon or not), mentions, replies, reblogs, etc! This blog is mirrored-lit. This means that you are free to interact using shorthand prose, semi-para, multi-para, lit, or semi-lit, or however else you see fit. Whichever way you interact, I will match you!
INTERACTIONS
Anyone in the Love & Deepspace universe may interact with Kaia, including other OCs or canon characters. I may be selective with roleplay partners, and I'm more inclined to roleplay with mutuals. But that said, if you are not yet a mutual but would like to write with me, please feel free to send in an ask meme or reach out whenever via DMs! I'm totally open to seeing where things go!
SHIPS
In her Love and Deepspace verse, Kaia is primarily shipped with Xavier, secondarily with Jeremiah. If you wish to establish romantic ships with her as either a canon character or an OC, please discuss with me beforehand! Again, I may be selective, but I'm totally open to hearing out possible dynamics!
NOTE that each ship will be considered in its own universe, so every romance is separate.
NOTE ON SHIPS & INTERACTIONS!
In an attempt to curate a drama-free space, please be aware that although Kaia's main L&DS ship is with Xavier, this blog will not practice the concept of "mains" (main rp partner) nor "exclusives" (exclusive rp partner). This applies as well to other LIs, MCs, and OCs!
NSFW
Admin is 21+ years old, and interactions that are NSFW (sexual) in nature will definitely be present. Such content will be tagged appropriately, and nsfw (explicit) roleplay replies will be hidden under either a mature filter or a read more button. PLEASE PLEASE BE CAREFUL OF THE MEDIA YOU CONSUME!
If sharing art into my asks or tagging me in something, please be careful. CHECK FIRST if the artist allows reposts. If they do not, please only share the art via a link ONLY and do not share the image itself. If they do, please always credit back via a link and a username. Let's respect our lovely artists! (And again, please do not use any writing or art visible on this blog, whether by me or by others, for AI training or other related purposes.)
OPERATOR SPEAKS
This blog is operated by xia. Content will remain mostly in-character; however, if necessary, OOC-related content will be indicated by the following:
about kaia — of the muse
out of character — behind the cloud. ooc
suggestive posts — cw. suggestive.
explicit posts — cw. explicit.
queued posts — queue'lque chose
reblogs — encore (reblog)
prompts — la rêverie (prompts)
answered — lire dans mon coeur… (inbox)
roleplay — j’écris ton nom
thoughts — s'endormir dans un rêve sans fin (musings)
moments posts — mots doux (moments)
main verse — la vie en rose
secondary verse — le coeur a ses raisons
admin art — admin art 🤍
— &&. verses.
la vie en rose. kaia’s main storyline verse follows the tag “la vie en rose”. this is the storyline most in-tune with her character development in relation to canon in-game events, and closely follows her modified lore. in this verse, kaia follows a developing relationship with xavier.
le coeur a ses raisons. this is a secondary verse where kaia falls for neither of the main leads. specifically, this verse revolves around her relationship with jeremiah. usually included under this verse are interactions with other ocs whose main verses/primary ships also involve xavier.
NOTE : For new threads, la vie en rose is the default verse being roleplayed, unless something else was mutually potted beforehand. Any roleplay interaction under either of the tags above will automatically follow their respective specifications. Each roleplay interaction will be tagged with a personal character label (lines taken from French media, usually poetry). If none of the tags above are added to the interaction, the personal character label will serve as its own verse tag.
— &&. character tags.
CALEB — caleb ; sous un ciel d'azur au milieu de l'éte — under an azure sky in the middle of summer, 'Eden Sentimental (I)' by Stéphen Moysan
GREYSON — grey ; la courbe de tes yeux fait le tour de mon coeur — the curve of your eyes trace a path on my heart, 'La Courbe de tes Yeux' by Paul Éluard
JEREMIAH — miah ; nous allons fleurir les beaux pissenlits d'or — we will make lovely golden dandelions blossom, 'Triste, Triste' by Jules Laforgue
RAFAYEL — rafa ; dis que c'est par amour que ton coeur l'a choisie — say that it is out of love that your heart has chosen it, 'Quand le fil de ma vie' by Marceline Desbordes-Valmore
XAVIER — xavi ; morte la nuit—la mémoire des étoiles brûle — when night has died—the stars’ memory keeps burning, 'Morte la Nuit' by Claire Malroux
ZAYNE — zayne ; car j'ai vécu de vous attendre — for i have lived for waiting for you — 'Les Pas' by Paul Valéry
AZALEA — lea ; refroidi sous ce soleil joyeux — cooled under the merry sun, 'Soleils Couchants' by Victor Hugo
DELIA — lia ; ?? — translation, 'title' by author
DOLASACH — dola ; où l’amour à longs flots nous verse le bonheur — when love pours forth huge floods of happiness, 'Le Lac' by Alphonse de Lamartine
KEITH — keith ; ?? — translation, 'title' by author — ?
LILY — lily ; et le soleil plus brûlant qu’aujourd’hui — and the sun burned brighter than today, 'Les Feuilles Mortes' by Jacques Prévert
MORGAN — mora ; tout vous sourit — everything smiles at you, 'Les Rêveurs Amoureux d'une Étoile' by Clément Michaëls
────── xavier x kaia ; 交换 / sunshine for moonlight ; on memories resurfaced. ᰔ
aka 3.4k words of angst, via a re-imagining of the aftermath of to our yesterday, from kaia's pov.
"if memory has a light, it would hold up a lamp in my heart and light up the night."
Polished stone. Marble floors.
Pillars of white surround her peripheral vision; sunlight streams through tall, arched windows, cutting golden strips across the hall.
Footsteps echo. Chatter, incessant.
And then comes the clash of metal.
Her vision shifts. The world around her blurs, hair whipping quickly as she turns on the balls of her feet.
Parry. Evade.
The blade feels light in her hands, steps like second nature. And yet, a strike on her part only meets a chuckle.
"Verily, less than ten moves remaining. Should I not go easy on you now?"
Casual, teasing. And yet it carries a tone both familiar and not—and it changes before she can process.
Heels on the grass, a laugh from her throat—
Sunset, then.
Cobbled floors, the clock tower that resounds… And a view, that overlooks…
Philos.
"You rest. I'll be by your side, always."
His voice fills her head again, and this time, she recognizes it in a heartbeat. The reassurance, the bickering, the teasing… It lingers, for a while, curls inside the hollows of her heart like it had found its home in her chest.
Then all at once, it fades.
The clang of sparring, the stone walls, the ring of laughter…. All of it fades.
And in the sudden hush of the moment, she hears the words he'd once whispered as he vanished down the marble corridor, that distant sound of fireworks no longer anything but pure, white, noise.
"I will return. Your Highness, believe me."
Kaia wakes with a start. Her eyes snap wide open, and her sheets lay tangled around her legs. Her heart pounds loud enough to thump in her ears. Her chest heaves.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Outside, she hears the faint hum of the city from her window, and wills herself to focus on it. Inside, her fingers curl into the blankets, clutching at the fabric.
Breathe, Kaia.
Inhale.
Exhale.
She brings a tembling hand up to her face— and then she feels it. The tightness in her throat, the twisting in her chest… Her fingers meet wet skin, the taste of salt in her mouth.
She was crying.
Even now, she couldn't stop.
These tears spill down her cheeks and melt into her pillow, even as she fights desperately to suppress the tremors already present in every limb of her body.
Still staring wide-eyed, her eyes refocus onto the ceiling. Blank, and quiet… The pale light from her window washes over the room in a subtle glow of the morning, and half of her wonders how different the sunlight is from the one she'd seen back at the Academy. She still feels it—the lingering weight of her dream, every moment as vivid in her mind as the air she breathes in this very moment.
And yet, it proves no longer a dream.
The emptiness that had haunted her fills, at the cost of an overwhelming, unbearable truth. Reality, as she's always known it, takes the shape of something she no longer finds tangible.
Kaia had always wanted this. Memories, something to hold on to. How many years had she spent, chasing for some semblance of being? How many years had she spent, wondering what it could feel like to be complete, for once?
Kaia had always wanted this.
But now that it's right in front of her, she no longer knows how to handle it.
She remembers the night before. The chaos of it, the stress of it, the exhaustion of it…. The way her own heels had clacked against those same pristine, marble floors, the way she'd ran through those same halls she saw every single night.
Dreams, she'd thought, turned reality.
The moment her head hit the pillow, she'd wondered if she could muster the energy to wake. Kaia never thought her memories could be so persistent.
And now she lay here like… this.
Pathetic.
Her eyes close, a moment, two… before her lips part in a whisper.
"Xavier…"
The name trembles out into the quiet room.
"I need to find Xavier."
Instant resolve.
Her feet hit the floor before she could think. Sheets fall to the side, hands fumbling with the hem of her sweater—she barely drags it over her shoulders, and her hair falls into her eyes. It's messy, with strands sticking damp to her cheek, and yet for once, she couldn't care less.
She swats her hair back with a flippant, frustrated hand, and her shoes are slipped on in the next second.
Kaia knows the way to Xavier's apartment by heart.
Up the stairs—Two at a time, it starts. And then three. And then she's running.
By the time the door is in front of her, her pulse is a drum in her ears, her throat, her head. Her hand still shakes as she lifts her hand to knock, and she doesn't know what she could say to him.
After everything?
After yesterday?
She couldn't have picked a worse time to be such a needy girlfriend.
And, yet…
When it opens, Xavier stands there, hair mussed for sleep, eyes still half-lidded. He's in that sweater she's so familiar with. Threads slightly undone, the kind he never bothered to repair because it still worked.
He blinks, once.
"Kai," he murmurs, voice thick with morning drowsiness. And then he smiles at her. "You're up early today…"
Kaia barely registers the words.
"I…" Her voice cracks. "I— had to…"
Her voice trails off.
Xavier's head tilts.
There's a pause—stalemate.
"You... almost look like you've run a marathon," he huffs. Half-concern, half amused. "Don't you want to come in? I could make you coffee…"
But Kaia can't move.
Her hands curl into the hem of her sweater, and all those feelings come flooding back. It took an instant for this to start again... and yet it happens gradually, starts in the tips of her fingers—the trembling, first. Rises up, passes through her body like a chill so overwhelming she has to gasp.
Then it gets harder to breathe. Her lungs feel almost as if they could collapse on themselves—one gasp turns into two, into three, and she haphazardly reaches out to lean against the doorpost.
The tears, next.
Slowly, her eyes start to sting. Vision blurs.
Dizzy.
And she can't see Xavier, but he speaks, and—
"Kaia…"
Ah.
Was it always so hard to swallow…?
Her lips part, but nothing comes out.
And then she acts on impulse.
Stupid Xavier.
She doesn't say it.
Instead she jumps into his arms, buries her face into his chest. Restraint, whatever sense of it she'd been trying to practice, snaps like a thread. Her arms wrap around him as if holding on to him could tether him to her world, could tether her to reality, could stop these feelings from swallowing her whole.
The sobs fall out in an instant.
"Forget the damn coffee," she chokes out, voice broken and muffled against his chest. "I just… I-I just wanted to see you. Dammit, Xavier…!"
She feels the warmth of his body even as he stills, and a few seconds pass. Slowly, his arms wrap around to rest lightly on her back. Small, steady pats, a hold secure enough for the trembling to still to a stop.
"…Nightmare?" he murmurs.
Soft, still.
Calm, still.
An anchor to the noise in her mind, the contrast of the safety she could find in him versus the turmoil that threatened to consume her.
"If you have nowhere to go, nowhere to rest your weary self… You can stay with me."
It echoes.
She thinks that she might throw up.
And Xavier, still in her silence, still as the words remain stuck in her throat, pulls her closer. Gentle, careful, he guides her in, closes the door behind them with a soft click. One hand slides to the back of her head, fingers threading through her damp strands of heir, stroking slowly, soothingly, lovingly.
He does what he always does—comfort, without the shame, without the expectation.
Without the pressure of her trying to be more than she is.
And for a long moment, she just presses herself against him. She wills herself to still, wills herself to focus on that slow, steady heartbeat. That hearbeat—the very proof that he is real, that this is real, that they are real.
When Kaia finally lifts her face, she's tear-streaked, nose red, and anything but conventionally pretty. She's aware that she looks a mess. She's never been pretty when she cries.
And yet, he brushes his thumbs over his skin, still in that same, gentle caress.
Patient.
Slow.
Careful.
Kaia draws a shaky breath.
"Why…" she begins, voice trembling, barely a whisper. "Why… did you never tell me?"
"All this time, while I… I've struggled to feel whole again, and I— I always thought— I didn't—"
For the life of her she can't fathom why those are the words she chooses to speak first, but she doesn't take them back.
The words tumble out. Incoherent, a stream of thoughts she couldn't bring herself to organize.
Xavier, rendered speechless, has his arms tighten around her.
"None of you bothered to say that you— that I— that after all this time, I, I was…!"
Her voice chokes.
And this time, Xavier leans in to press his lips into her hair.
"Kaia… It wasn't my intention to—"
"But how could you!"
He stills.
"I… I-I remember. The halls, the square… Everything was exactly like how Soren had projected, what the hell. But it's not even just that, because I remember your promises, Xavier, and you… A-and the…!"
"Angel—"
"No, don't call me that right now! You promised me you'd tell me everything, and I said I— I said I would be with you every step of the way! You know that, right?! And yet you've never bothered to tell me that after all this time—"
"Kai, please, just breathe and—"
"And you made me your queen, Xavier!"
The room falls silent.
"And I loved you," she breathes. "After all this time, I've loved you, and loved you, and loved you—and I do. I love you so much, I don't know what to do with myself anymore."
The pause is deafening. Slowly his hand slides to the nape of her neck, fingers threading through her hair. She's trembling again. For a different reason, this time.
But Xavier is Xavier, and the motion stills her slightly.
"…I know," he murmurs. Kisses into her hair again. Offers a gentle rock, side to side. "I know what you remember."
"Then, Xavier—"
"But, those things… they're in the past. Like the way the sun rises anew every morning, so too does the past give way to the present moment. The you I that have now… That's what matters the most."
"…But don't you trust me?"
"I do."
"So, then why…!"
Her voice cracks again, thinner this time. More wounded, than furious. Her fingers fist into the fabric of his shirt like she’s afraid he’ll dissolve if she loosens her grip, and when she continues, her voice becomes barely a whisper.
“Why carry it alone?" she says quietly. "Why decide for me what I can handle? You always say I’m strong, that I’m capable, that I stand beside you... but then you don't let me when it matters the most."
Xavier exhales.
His hand remains at the nape of her neck, thumb brushing small arcs against her skin. The other rests firm against her back.
“I do trust you,” he repeats.
It's quiet.
Kaia can't tell if he's saying it, or convincing himself of it.
"I trust you. I just…"
For a moment, her eyes close.
"…Xavier, it's true that I wouldn't have made it if you had your suppressor on."
She starts in a low voice. And this time, she pulls back from his hold, but be it the lump still stuck in her throat, or the very fact that she knows her tears will spill once more if she looks at him—
Kaia doesn't raise her head.
Instead, she tugs at his sweater, traces the hem of it.
"But even then… why is it that you keep doing things yourself? You still bear all these burdens alone. You don't share enough with Jeremiah, probably even less with Isaiah... And then, it's almost as if you've always been this way. Always felt like you had to take care of everything on your own. But, Xavier…"
She pauses.
Stills.
Her fingers curl back into his sweater.
"Xavier, not even a captain bears all the responsibilities alone. And, neither… does the Crown Prince of Philos."
The clock ticks.
Kaia hangs her head.
When Xavier doesn't answer, she wills herself a glance upwards—and she thinks, then, that for all the time that they'd spent together, only now does she see him stand so… vulnerable.
"Back then, you took everything upon yourself to save me," she whispers. "But do you know… how much it hurt to see you leave, Xavier?"
Blue eyes lock with hers.
She musters the courage.
"…I do."
He sighs.
"I do know. And every second I was away from you felt like eternity enough to—"
"You made me your queen, I could have gone with you—"
"No, you couldn't have."
Decisive.
Her mouth shuts, but Xavier's shoulders slump. Her eyes follow his movements, and slowly, his hands reach for hers.
"A long, long time ago," he murmurs, "a little boy would sit by the window."
His thumb rubs gently into her palm, and when he speaks, Kaia notices the distant, nostalgic tone to his voice.
"It was tall, much taller than he'd seen," he continues. "And the field outside was vast. Blue skies, colorful flowers… Especially compared to his own size, he thought the world outside was an endless sea. One just like that. And every window since then, held that very same view, and that very same assumption."
In that moment, he smiles.
Small—perhaps, barely visible.
But not at her.
It's somewhat sad, somewhat exasperated—at himself, at the world, at the circumstances he narrates. And then to Kaia's astonishment, he pulls her back close, bends down slightly, cradles her palm against his cheek.
"That little boy had never been outside of those walls. Ever since he was little, he had since embraced what little of the world he could see through those windows… Not knowing that the moment he stepped outside, there would be more, much more, than the beautiful bright sky."
His lips press against her wrist.
"Because there was you, Kaia."
Kaia repeats his words in her head. And Xavier, as Xavier as he always is, had a certain way oh looking at her exactly like she was his entire universe. This was it.
…Me?
There was... me.
Kaia feels it, and her breath catches.
"The skies are big," he murmurs, "and the stars are plentiful. Yet only a single light exists for me to follow; only a single place exists for this star to call home. Kaia, you've given me freedom. You are my freedom."
His eyes close.
"So if I could, I would have you use me as your stepping stone, the bridge you take apart after crossing, the corpse bones you need to trample to climb higher, the sinner who deserved the butchering of a million knives."
Kaia freezes.
"But," he whispers, "I know you wouldn't allow it."
"…No. No! No, I wouldn't, I won't, Xavier! I would never—"
"I know. You've always been too nice for that. You would pity the world after all it's done to you... You would serve the people, even when faced with their scorn... I know your heart. That you would go to help another, even at the cost of your own life."
"…That's—"
"You're a willing sacrifice, almost as much as I am. But it's different. Because, Kaia… if your dream is to save the common people, then my dream has only been you."
It falls like a heavy pile of snow. And she hates it.
She'd wring herself free from his grasp, weakly press a fist to his chest. Once more, and then another.
Another.
Her head hangs.
Tears prick at her eyes next, vision blurring like it had a moment ago—
And yet still, she shakes her head violently.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe she's being a hypocrite.
"...But you shouldn't have had to leave like that to protect me," she hisses. "You shouldn't have had to self-destruct your suppressant to protect me!"
From another punch, her hands grab into his sweater again, twisting the fabric.
"So even if what you say is true, you don't get to keep deciding that your life is the one that gets spent—"
"You don't either—"
"But you can't just be my shield if it means you'll disappear!"
Her voice whips through the room.
Silence follows it, sharp and ringing.
"…You don't get to be my shield if it means you disappear," she repeats, softer. "You... You don't get to burn yourself up and call it love."
"…And yet, right now… I'm so in love, I don't even fear death."
Disbelief.
Helplessness.
Shock.
Emotions that Kaia could name, and yet they would still prove lacking on their own.
This is stupid.
It's the only thought left in her mind.
Here she's gone to make sense of the mess in her head, and now here she is arguing with him.
Kaia hates arguments.
She leans back into him, hands falling back at her sides, forehead pressed into his chest.
"…I love you," she whispers.
When there's no reply, she says it again.
"I love you."
Xavier's arms wrap back around her. "I… love you, too."
"…And… If you can't bear to lose me, then I can't bear to lose you." Kaia tilts her head up. When their eyes meet next, theres a plea in her own that mirrors his, and her heart churns painfully in her chest. "Xavier, can't we just promise each other?" she begs, a whisper. "No more stupid sacrifices, no more overdoing it just to save another."
He holds her.
The silence is more terrifying than rejection.
But in the next moment, he pulls her up to meet her lips in a kiss, and she falters.
Xavier.
She wants to whisper his name.
Yell it.
Confess it.
But istead these words are swallowed up in the way he kisses her, presses her up against him, barely gives her a chance to breathe.
They're panting when they pull.
Her eyes are bleary, dazed from the affection, and he thumbs over her cheek in that same achingly soft motion.
"Kaia," he whispers.
"…Xavier," she murmurs back.
Their foreheads touch.
"I won't leave you."
And these words sound firmer in her head than she's ever heard them.
"Xavier…"
"I don't want to leave you." He continues—barely gives her a second to respond. "I want to stay by your side, build a house together, raise a family… live a life, with you, where we wouldn't have to choose otherwise."
"But the sun sets every day, without fail, to give the moon its light. So if the sun is also a star… Then that, is what this star would do, in a heartbeat, of his heartbeat… for your own."
"Xavier—"
"It won't change, because I will always choose you. The difference is…"
He smiles slightly.
"Without its star, the moon doesn't shine. The sky would stay dark, and the balance of the universe remains much too incomplete. So… I will never leave you, Kaia. No matter how many times it takes, no matter where you are... I will find you."
Do you promise?
She wants to say, but she doesn't.
Because somewhere in her heart, she already knows.
"…A Queen will not serve without her King, so you'd better stay," she huffs instead.
A smile peeks from her lips for the first time that morning, and Xavier gently smooths out her hair, lets out a soft chuckle against the crown of her head.
"I know."
His eyes glint mischievously.
"I will return. Your Highness, believe me."
— 冥冥之中的人, 指引我前行. 是谁? 明明 初见陌生, 心为何 翻涌?
— 阳光交换 月光, 幸运 交换过往, 心跳交换 你.
— 冥冥之中的人指引我 前行… 啊… 是你.
☁️; ft. quotes from lightseeker, but also other quotes from tgcf and tower of god <3 and. believe me i really almost put in a quote or two from ff16 too.. LMAO
anyw if i had a dime for every time my very first posted fic of a yume is pure angst, i would have two..... which is not a lot... but kinda funny it's happened twice 😭
but in all of my frustrations bestowed to me by the Curse Of Rewriting, the fruit it bears is the very first kaivier fic i've propwely written 😭 they have like two drafts half unfinished in the wip file, but this is the first i've actually. bothered to finish 😭 which is an achievement of its own 😭 and to be honest. i don't know if i'll do this more exactly? but! it did mean a lot to me to get this out in the open!!!!
bc,,,,,,,, so much of kaia can sometimes get lost in my portrayal of her that i know would shine more in writing. the nuances of her personality are often overshadowed (well, purposely) by her sunshiney front, because that is what she'll push forward, and very insistently so. so moments like these where she lets the mask slip are kind of special. rare, but... special. and it's not something i talk about often,,, the struggles she has with the concept of identity, how meaningful the concept of memories have always been to her, the feeling of home that she finds in her s/o and what 'home' really means for her relationship with xavier especially once she's granted back her memories. and actually neither do i talk about her relationship with sacrifice—even that isn't fully expounded in this, because kaia would, herself, never know how to explain the deep, subconscious need she has to prove herself through a means of sacrifice. but i did get to explore these themes a little bit through here, and how xavier both counters and compliments it, and just- the general theme of the glorification of self-sacrifice that to me has always been so rampant in their relationship.
and i might not brainrot kai as much in comparison to miki.... but i still love her a lot, and the opportunity to write her out like this made me love her a little more. 🤧
this is a baby of a fic of mine atp... akfhshfjs it might be rough and messy but. a happy valentines to my roselight <3
this IS my compensation to myself for not finishing the kaimiah fic for her birthday AND compensation to xavier for not writing kaivier on her birthday. 🤣
────── xavier x kaia ; so i love you ; on memories made whole. ᰔ
aka 1.8k words of fluff and hurt/comfort, where xavier and kaia talk about her fragmented memories. post-'tranquil moments', from kaia's pov.
"so I love you, because I know no other way."
Kaia sat cross-legged on Xavier’s balcony, letting the rosy-tangerines of the sunset spill over her hands. The apartment complex was in its own little corner; the hum of the city was faint, somewhere out there in the distance. Here there were softer noises—little footsteps, a closing window, a bicycle rattled over pavement.
It matched the sky, a little, the quiet.
Sunset.
Kaia quite liked watching it.
It was beautiful, after all—how could she not? There was something about the way the colors blended in like a picture, so still, and captivating, in its own right. There was something about the way she knew she could never witness another sunset in exactly the same way, as tomorrow the colors would vary. And there was a reason, she knew, that the sky was often the focus of so many beautiful poetry she'd come across in all of her studies.
She liked it a lot, she did.
Only that tonight, it made her feel… Hollow.
A little bit.
Thinking back on yesterday’s walk through his old neighborhood, the streets he grew up on, the people he used to chat with… Suddenly, Kaia realized just how little of herself she had to share.
She'd always been curious of him. Secretive, and aloof, and a little mysterious—she could almost laugh at how such qualities of him had drawn her in, but she'd always wanted to know more.
And it was Xavier this, Xavier that.
She didn't regret it at all—still doesn't, really—and antway, she couldn't possibly think she knew everything there was to know about him even now.
But…
What about her?
What things were he curious about, that she… had no means of sharing at all?
A soft shadow fell across her legs, then.
"You know," Xavier’s voice came light and easy, "one loves the sunset, when one is so sad…"
Kaia glanced up, eyebrow raised. A smile made its way to her face. "Quoting Le Petit Prince, Xavier?"
He chuckled, and in a few moments, he was sitting down with her, looking up at the sky while they sat side by side. "You know I can quote a lot more than that," he hummed.
Kaia smiled, but didn't reply.
Instead she lay her head om his shoulder, comfortable as ever in the space of his that they shared, and they both watched.
The sun, bleeding into the tops of distant buildings. The sky, turning deeper hues of orange, and clouds.
It was a moment not unlike the one they'd shared yesterday. And Kaia let out a slow, almost cautionary, breath.
"You know, about yesterday…" she murmured. "I mean, thanks, really. For like, bringing me around and stuff. And showing me all of those things."
"And the Bunny God of War?"
She laughed, "And the Bunny God of War."
Her fingers flicked at a speck of dust on her jeans.
"But, I mean, I dunno… I was also kinda thinking that I don’t really have anything like that to give you."
A silence.
Xavier shifted, settled her comfortably against his chest, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. "You don't have to give me anything, though."
"I know that, of course! It's not that I wanna pay you back or anything, it's just… Maybe there's so much you have to tell me, but I…"
She huffed, then. Looked at him with a little pout, one that only seemed to deepen when she took note of the twinkle of amusement she found hidden in his eyes.
"No, Kai. I really mean it."
He spoke as if he knew so much of her that there wasn't really any need for more if she didn't have any to share.
And Kaia didn't know how it was possible.
Xavier looked back at her, tilted his head in a way she knew mirrored hers. A small smile played at his lips—I know that you do this often, he seemed to be saying. And what I know of you now is enough for me.
"You're… you're, like, not even the least bit curious?" she frowned slightly.
"I didn't mean it like that… Of course I'm curious. Aren't we looking for answers together?"
"But you seem like you know so much about me already… And that's probably way more than I know about myself—"
"It's because I do know a lot."
Kaia's frown deepened.
"I know your favorite flower," he offered, glancing at the little garden he had on his balcony that carried a few plots of roses he'd planted with a little help from Jeremiah.
"I know you like the stars, and fairytale stories, and that you say you can't stand coffee, but I'll catch you drinking it in the morning when we walk to the Association together."
"Xavier!"
"I also know that you own a big collection of Snoopy plushies, and one really big Lumiere one that takes up a lot of space on your bed." He spoke with a raised eyebrow, but continued, "And I know that you're a lightweight. And that before we started dating, you liked to use the excuse of training just to spend more time with me."
Immediately, Kaia gasped.
"Oh, my god! You knew about the training this whole time and you let me be a pathetic little puppy pining after you?!?!?!!!!!!" She threw him a punch to the chest, one that carried little weight. "Ugh, that Lumiere plushie is never ever leaving the bed since you've admitted that!!!"
"It's just, you're a little obvious when you like someone, and… Why? Were you going to put that plushie somewhere else?"
"XAVIER!"
He laughed and caught her as she lunged at him, and despite herself, Kaia felt a grin break free.
"You're silly, Xavie."
"I meant to say, that the point is I do know you... Maybe it's not everything, but I know things, and I like those things. And I don't see a problem with it."
Kaia's eyes softened.
Here, like this—splayed on top of him, held loosely in his arms—she pressed an ear to his chest, felt the slow, steady, familiar thrum of his heartbeat.
"It's just, sometimes… it feels like my life only started halfway through, you know? I mean, isn't it… strange? You're in love with someone who can't even remember anything of themselves."
Xavier’s eyes traced her features a few moments, before gazing out into the horizon.
The last of the sun dipped below the skyline now.
Even if Kaia could see only him, he was the only one that mattered. Sun in his hair, the sky reflected in his eyes.
Xavier said something simple, then. "I think it only means we have to make the rest of it count."
His gaze moved back to her, and he offered a little smile. "You're still you, so it's not weird. And the you in front of me now is the you that I'm spending time with, watching the sunset. You've always been whole to me, even if you might be feeling that you aren't."
He spoke as if it were a truth that could be verified over lifetimes.
Kaia couldn't understand how he was so confident in it.
And, yet—even if he didn't say it out loud—
She felt it.
Even if you don't remember, that's okay. We'll just fill these days ahead of us with newer memories for you to cherish.
She cuddled into him, settled down in his warmth. Because for all the pieces of her life that had always felt blank, and empty, and hollow… Xavier didn't see any of that. He's always seen her, just as she was.
Kaia knew that—she did—but perhaps it was a different experience to hear it from him like this.
"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off."
Xavier murmured suddenly then, and she blinked.
The words were vaguely familiar.
"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul…"
"Xavier—"
"I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body."
Slowly she pushed off from him, hands on either side of his head, hair falling over her face as she looked at him. Lips parted. Eyes widened slightly.
Oh.
The words had dawned on her.
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where…" she whispered.
"I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
The last lines of the poem came recited in unison, and Kaia's look of wonder didn't change at all.
"Sonnet XVII," she breathed.
"Pablo Neruda. I told you, I can quote a lot more than you think."
There was pride to his voice.
Perhaps because he'd been dating a literature major—perhaps because he'd been dating a poet; perhaps because he knew that she would fall head over heels in love with him once again, in this very moment.
She kissed him.
Once, just softly.
Their noses brushed, and she let out a breathy laugh.
"Cheeky Xavie," she murmured.
The light of the sunset had long since faded into the distant lights of the city, of his balcony, of the warmth that had settled into her cheeks.
"You told me before," he chuckled. "That you would love every version of me… So I could give all of that to you."
Kaia's mind raced back to the mission they'd shared. The house, the cherries, the kiss—
And she remembered. It was she who had shared more of her life to him that day, and he who'd responded with fondness of his own.
It had been the most she could ever share.
And boldly, still, she'd dared to tell him such a thing... for it was one she'd meant in her heart.
"I do…"
"Well, then I say the same back to you."
Kaia's eyes widened.
"I want to love every version of you… the things you don't show anyone else, and the things you wish you could show, but right now don't have the means to. Whether with your memories, or without your memories… Because Kaia is Kaia, then I should love her all the same. As long as… she lets me."
"Straightforwardly? Without complexities or pride?"
"Mm. Straightforwardly. Without complexities or pride."
Her face broke out into a smile, then—one of relief, and disbelief, and everything mixed together all at once.
"M'kay. Then… You can love me like that. And I'll learn to get used to it, too."
"Tomorrow, maybe I can show you somewhere else I used to spend time in."
"I would like that… really, really, very much, Xavier."
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
— sonnet XVII ; pablo neruda.
☁️; so i yapped about how much this card means to kaia already here ….. and then i came across the poem, and i thought hold on???? this is literally my kaivier 😭🤲
anyway. my own thoughts on the card separate from kaia are separate… but i genuinely think that maybe since 21 days, there hasn't particularly been a very kaiacore xavier card to me. while i always like xavier's cards of my own preferences, they've never struck out to me as very particular to how his relationship would develop with kaia… and then. and then there was this card 🥺 the ending had me. gasping so much because it's just. it feels like. it's a different kind of meaningful, you know? it feels like from mc's point of view, she finally understands something that xavier has been trying to share with her. and for kaia who's always felt so hollow because of how little of a person she feels without her memories… it's just. like. something else, you know?
this card means a lot to me in that i can actually say it reflects roselight lore, and it makes me super happy….
and also. EXTRA super happy bc im putting this pre-ms which essentially means that. the angst and the overwhelming emotion that kaia feels in sunshine for moonlight. is tenfold. TENFOLD. which is AWESOME—
SKFNBSJFJSHFS i really rarely get enough roselight brainworms to both write AND actually finish a fic, but im happy that i got to write this >< remains to be seen if i'll have something else for them to write, but…
yume taglist: (skdkskds so sorry guys thisll be the second tag for you in a single day 😭🤲) @fleur-de-leap @unluckywisher @ourlittleuluru @mephisto-reporting @starmocha
────── xavier x kaia ; 交换 / sunshine for moonlight ; on memories resurfaced. ᰔ
aka 3.4k words of angst, via a re-imagining of the aftermath of to our yesterday, from kaia's pov.
"if memory has a light, it would hold up a lamp in my heart and light up the night."
Polished stone. Marble floors.
Pillars of white surround her peripheral vision; sunlight streams through tall, arched windows, cutting golden strips across the hall.
Footsteps echo. Chatter, incessant.
And then comes the clash of metal.
Her vision shifts. The world around her blurs, hair whipping quickly as she turns on the balls of her feet.
Parry. Evade.
The blade feels light in her hands, steps like second nature. And yet, a strike on her part only meets a chuckle.
"Verily, less than ten moves remaining. Should I not go easy on you now?"
Casual, teasing. And yet it carries a tone both familiar and not—and it changes before she can process.
Heels on the grass, a laugh from her throat—
Sunset, then.
Cobbled floors, the clock tower that resounds… And a view, that overlooks…
Philos.
"You rest. I'll be by your side, always."
His voice fills her head again, and this time, she recognizes it in a heartbeat. The reassurance, the bickering, the teasing… It lingers, for a while, curls inside the hollows of her heart like it had found its home in her chest.
Then all at once, it fades.
The clang of sparring, the stone walls, the ring of laughter…. All of it fades.
And in the sudden hush of the moment, she hears the words he'd once whispered as he vanished down the marble corridor, that distant sound of fireworks no longer anything but pure, white, noise.
"I will return. Your Highness, believe me."
Kaia wakes with a start. Her eyes snap wide open, and her sheets lay tangled around her legs. Her heart pounds loud enough to thump in her ears. Her chest heaves.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Outside, she hears the faint hum of the city from her window, and wills herself to focus on it. Inside, her fingers curl into the blankets, clutching at the fabric.
Breathe, Kaia.
Inhale.
Exhale.
She brings a tembling hand up to her face— and then she feels it. The tightness in her throat, the twisting in her chest… Her fingers meet wet skin, the taste of salt in her mouth.
She was crying.
Even now, she couldn't stop.
These tears spill down her cheeks and melt into her pillow, even as she fights desperately to suppress the tremors already present in every limb of her body.
Still staring wide-eyed, her eyes refocus onto the ceiling. Blank, and quiet… The pale light from her window washes over the room in a subtle glow of the morning, and half of her wonders how different the sunlight is from the one she'd seen back at the Academy. She still feels it—the lingering weight of her dream, every moment as vivid in her mind as the air she breathes in this very moment.
And yet, it proves no longer a dream.
The emptiness that had haunted her fills, at the cost of an overwhelming, unbearable truth. Reality, as she's always known it, takes the shape of something she no longer finds tangible.
Kaia had always wanted this. Memories, something to hold on to. How many years had she spent, chasing for some semblance of being? How many years had she spent, wondering what it could feel like to be complete, for once?
Kaia had always wanted this.
But now that it's right in front of her, she no longer knows how to handle it.
She remembers the night before. The chaos of it, the stress of it, the exhaustion of it…. The way her own heels had clacked against those same pristine, marble floors, the way she'd ran through those same halls she saw every single night.
Dreams, she'd thought, turned reality.
The moment her head hit the pillow, she'd wondered if she could muster the energy to wake. Kaia never thought her memories could be so persistent.
And now she lay here like… this.
Pathetic.
Her eyes close, a moment, two… before her lips part in a whisper.
"Xavier…"
The name trembles out into the quiet room.
"I need to find Xavier."
Instant resolve.
Her feet hit the floor before she could think. Sheets fall to the side, hands fumbling with the hem of her sweater—she barely drags it over her shoulders, and her hair falls into her eyes. It's messy, with strands sticking damp to her cheek, and yet for once, she couldn't care less.
She swats her hair back with a flippant, frustrated hand, and her shoes are slipped on in the next second.
Kaia knows the way to Xavier's apartment by heart.
Up the stairs—Two at a time, it starts. And then three. And then she's running.
By the time the door is in front of her, her pulse is a drum in her ears, her throat, her head. Her hand still shakes as she lifts her hand to knock, and she doesn't know what she could say to him.
After everything?
After yesterday?
She couldn't have picked a worse time to be such a needy girlfriend.
And, yet…
When it opens, Xavier stands there, hair mussed for sleep, eyes still half-lidded. He's in that sweater she's so familiar with. Threads slightly undone, the kind he never bothered to repair because it still worked.
He blinks, once.
"Kai," he murmurs, voice thick with morning drowsiness. And then he smiles at her. "You're up early today…"
Kaia barely registers the words.
"I…" Her voice cracks. "I— had to…"
Her voice trails off.
Xavier's head tilts.
There's a pause—stalemate.
"You... almost look like you've run a marathon," he huffs. Half-concern, half amused. "Don't you want to come in? I could make you coffee…"
But Kaia can't move.
Her hands curl into the hem of her sweater, and all those feelings come flooding back. It took an instant for this to start again... and yet it happens gradually, starts in the tips of her fingers—the trembling, first. Rises up, passes through her body like a chill so overwhelming she has to gasp.
Then it gets harder to breathe. Her lungs feel almost as if they could collapse on themselves—one gasp turns into two, into three, and she haphazardly reaches out to lean against the doorpost.
The tears, next.
Slowly, her eyes start to sting. Vision blurs.
Dizzy.
And she can't see Xavier, but he speaks, and—
"Kaia…"
Ah.
Was it always so hard to swallow…?
Her lips part, but nothing comes out.
And then she acts on impulse.
Stupid Xavier.
She doesn't say it.
Instead she jumps into his arms, buries her face into his chest. Restraint, whatever sense of it she'd been trying to practice, snaps like a thread. Her arms wrap around him as if holding on to him could tether him to her world, could tether her to reality, could stop these feelings from swallowing her whole.
The sobs fall out in an instant.
"Forget the damn coffee," she chokes out, voice broken and muffled against his chest. "I just… I-I just wanted to see you. Dammit, Xavier…!"
She feels the warmth of his body even as he stills, and a few seconds pass. Slowly, his arms wrap around to rest lightly on her back. Small, steady pats, a hold secure enough for the trembling to still to a stop.
"…Nightmare?" he murmurs.
Soft, still.
Calm, still.
An anchor to the noise in her mind, the contrast of the safety she could find in him versus the turmoil that threatened to consume her.
"If you have nowhere to go, nowhere to rest your weary self… You can stay with me."
It echoes.
She thinks that she might throw up.
And Xavier, still in her silence, still as the words remain stuck in her throat, pulls her closer. Gentle, careful, he guides her in, closes the door behind them with a soft click. One hand slides to the back of her head, fingers threading through her damp strands of heir, stroking slowly, soothingly, lovingly.
He does what he always does—comfort, without the shame, without the expectation.
Without the pressure of her trying to be more than she is.
And for a long moment, she just presses herself against him. She wills herself to still, wills herself to focus on that slow, steady heartbeat. That hearbeat—the very proof that he is real, that this is real, that they are real.
When Kaia finally lifts her face, she's tear-streaked, nose red, and anything but conventionally pretty. She's aware that she looks a mess. She's never been pretty when she cries.
And yet, he brushes his thumbs over his skin, still in that same, gentle caress.
Patient.
Slow.
Careful.
Kaia draws a shaky breath.
"Why…" she begins, voice trembling, barely a whisper. "Why… did you never tell me?"
"All this time, while I… I've struggled to feel whole again, and I— I always thought— I didn't—"
For the life of her she can't fathom why those are the words she chooses to speak first, but she doesn't take them back.
The words tumble out. Incoherent, a stream of thoughts she couldn't bring herself to organize.
Xavier, rendered speechless, has his arms tighten around her.
"None of you bothered to say that you— that I— that after all this time, I, I was…!"
Her voice chokes.
And this time, Xavier leans in to press his lips into her hair.
"Kaia… It wasn't my intention to—"
"But how could you!"
He stills.
"I… I-I remember. The halls, the square… Everything was exactly like how Soren had projected, what the hell. But it's not even just that, because I remember your promises, Xavier, and you… A-and the…!"
"Angel—"
"No, don't call me that right now! You promised me you'd tell me everything, and I said I— I said I would be with you every step of the way! You know that, right?! And yet you've never bothered to tell me that after all this time—"
"Kai, please, just breathe and—"
"And you made me your queen, Xavier!"
The room falls silent.
"And I loved you," she breathes. "After all this time, I've loved you, and loved you, and loved you—and I do. I love you so much, I don't know what to do with myself anymore."
The pause is deafening. Slowly his hand slides to the nape of her neck, fingers threading through her hair. She's trembling again. For a different reason, this time.
But Xavier is Xavier, and the motion stills her slightly.
"…I know," he murmurs. Kisses into her hair again. Offers a gentle rock, side to side. "I know what you remember."
"Then, Xavier—"
"But, those things… they're in the past. Like the way the sun rises anew every morning, so too does the past give way to the present moment. The you I that have now… That's what matters the most."
"…But don't you trust me?"
"I do."
"So, then why…!"
Her voice cracks again, thinner this time. More wounded, than furious. Her fingers fist into the fabric of his shirt like she’s afraid he’ll dissolve if she loosens her grip, and when she continues, her voice becomes barely a whisper.
“Why carry it alone?" she says quietly. "Why decide for me what I can handle? You always say I’m strong, that I’m capable, that I stand beside you... but then you don't let me when it matters the most."
Xavier exhales.
His hand remains at the nape of her neck, thumb brushing small arcs against her skin. The other rests firm against her back.
“I do trust you,” he repeats.
It's quiet.
Kaia can't tell if he's saying it, or convincing himself of it.
"I trust you. I just…"
For a moment, her eyes close.
"…Xavier, it's true that I wouldn't have made it if you had your suppressor on."
She starts in a low voice. And this time, she pulls back from his hold, but be it the lump still stuck in her throat, or the very fact that she knows her tears will spill once more if she looks at him—
Kaia doesn't raise her head.
Instead, she tugs at his sweater, traces the hem of it.
"But even then… why is it that you keep doing things yourself? You still bear all these burdens alone. You don't share enough with Jeremiah, probably even less with Isaiah... And then, it's almost as if you've always been this way. Always felt like you had to take care of everything on your own. But, Xavier…"
She pauses.
Stills.
Her fingers curl back into his sweater.
"Xavier, not even a captain bears all the responsibilities alone. And, neither… does the Crown Prince of Philos."
The clock ticks.
Kaia hangs her head.
When Xavier doesn't answer, she wills herself a glance upwards—and she thinks, then, that for all the time that they'd spent together, only now does she see him stand so… vulnerable.
"Back then, you took everything upon yourself to save me," she whispers. "But do you know… how much it hurt to see you leave, Xavier?"
Blue eyes lock with hers.
She musters the courage.
"…I do."
He sighs.
"I do know. And every second I was away from you felt like eternity enough to—"
"You made me your queen, I could have gone with you—"
"No, you couldn't have."
Decisive.
Her mouth shuts, but Xavier's shoulders slump. Her eyes follow his movements, and slowly, his hands reach for hers.
"A long, long time ago," he murmurs, "a little boy would sit by the window."
His thumb rubs gently into her palm, and when he speaks, Kaia notices the distant, nostalgic tone to his voice.
"It was tall, much taller than he'd seen," he continues. "And the field outside was vast. Blue skies, colorful flowers… Especially compared to his own size, he thought the world outside was an endless sea. One just like that. And every window since then, held that very same view, and that very same assumption."
In that moment, he smiles.
Small—perhaps, barely visible.
But not at her.
It's somewhat sad, somewhat exasperated—at himself, at the world, at the circumstances he narrates. And then to Kaia's astonishment, he pulls her back close, bends down slightly, cradles her palm against his cheek.
"That little boy had never been outside of those walls. Ever since he was little, he had since embraced what little of the world he could see through those windows… Not knowing that the moment he stepped outside, there would be more, much more, than the beautiful bright sky."
His lips press against her wrist.
"Because there was you, Kaia."
Kaia repeats his words in her head. And Xavier, as Xavier as he always is, had a certain way oh looking at her exactly like she was his entire universe. This was it.
…Me?
There was... me.
Kaia feels it, and her breath catches.
"The skies are big," he murmurs, "and the stars are plentiful. Yet only a single light exists for me to follow; only a single place exists for this star to call home. Kaia, you've given me freedom. You are my freedom."
His eyes close.
"So if I could, I would have you use me as your stepping stone, the bridge you take apart after crossing, the corpse bones you need to trample to climb higher, the sinner who deserved the butchering of a million knives."
Kaia freezes.
"But," he whispers, "I know you wouldn't allow it."
"…No. No! No, I wouldn't, I won't, Xavier! I would never—"
"I know. You've always been too nice for that. You would pity the world after all it's done to you... You would serve the people, even when faced with their scorn... I know your heart. That you would go to help another, even at the cost of your own life."
"…That's—"
"You're a willing sacrifice, almost as much as I am. But it's different. Because, Kaia… if your dream is to save the common people, then my dream has only been you."
It falls like a heavy pile of snow. And she hates it.
She'd wring herself free from his grasp, weakly press a fist to his chest. Once more, and then another.
Another.
Her head hangs.
Tears prick at her eyes next, vision blurring like it had a moment ago—
And yet still, she shakes her head violently.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe she's being a hypocrite.
"...But you shouldn't have had to leave like that to protect me," she hisses. "You shouldn't have had to self-destruct your suppressant to protect me!"
From another punch, her hands grab into his sweater again, twisting the fabric.
"So even if what you say is true, you don't get to keep deciding that your life is the one that gets spent—"
"You don't either—"
"But you can't just be my shield if it means you'll disappear!"
Her voice whips through the room.
Silence follows it, sharp and ringing.
"…You don't get to be my shield if it means you disappear," she repeats, softer. "You... You don't get to burn yourself up and call it love."
"…And yet, right now… I'm so in love, I don't even fear death."
Disbelief.
Helplessness.
Shock.
Emotions that Kaia could name, and yet they would still prove lacking on their own.
This is stupid.
It's the only thought left in her mind.
Here she's gone to make sense of the mess in her head, and now here she is arguing with him.
Kaia hates arguments.
She leans back into him, hands falling back at her sides, forehead pressed into his chest.
"…I love you," she whispers.
When there's no reply, she says it again.
"I love you."
Xavier's arms wrap back around her. "I… love you, too."
"…And… If you can't bear to lose me, then I can't bear to lose you." Kaia tilts her head up. When their eyes meet next, theres a plea in her own that mirrors his, and her heart churns painfully in her chest. "Xavier, can't we just promise each other?" she begs, a whisper. "No more stupid sacrifices, no more overdoing it just to save another."
He holds her.
The silence is more terrifying than rejection.
But in the next moment, he pulls her up to meet her lips in a kiss, and she falters.
Xavier.
She wants to whisper his name.
Yell it.
Confess it.
But istead these words are swallowed up in the way he kisses her, presses her up against him, barely gives her a chance to breathe.
They're panting when they pull.
Her eyes are bleary, dazed from the affection, and he thumbs over her cheek in that same achingly soft motion.
"Kaia," he whispers.
"…Xavier," she murmurs back.
Their foreheads touch.
"I won't leave you."
And these words sound firmer in her head than she's ever heard them.
"Xavier…"
"I don't want to leave you." He continues—barely gives her a second to respond. "I want to stay by your side, build a house together, raise a family… live a life, with you, where we wouldn't have to choose otherwise."
"But the sun sets every day, without fail, to give the moon its light. So if the sun is also a star… Then that, is what this star would do, in a heartbeat, of his heartbeat… for your own."
"Xavier—"
"It won't change, because I will always choose you. The difference is…"
He smiles slightly.
"Without its star, the moon doesn't shine. The sky would stay dark, and the balance of the universe remains much too incomplete. So… I will never leave you, Kaia. No matter how many times it takes, no matter where you are... I will find you."
Do you promise?
She wants to say, but she doesn't.
Because somewhere in her heart, she already knows.
"…A Queen will not serve without her King, so you'd better stay," she huffs instead.
A smile peeks from her lips for the first time that morning, and Xavier gently smooths out her hair, lets out a soft chuckle against the crown of her head.
"I know."
His eyes glint mischievously.
"I will return. Your Highness, believe me."
— 冥冥之中的人, 指引我前行. 是谁? 明明 初见陌生, 心为何 翻涌?
— 阳光交换 月光, 幸运 交换过往, 心跳交换 你.
— 冥冥之中的人指引我 前行… 啊… 是你.
☁️; ft. quotes from lightseeker, but also other quotes from tgcf and tower of god <3 and. believe me i really almost put in a quote or two from ff16 too.. LMAO
anyw if i had a dime for every time my very first posted fic of a yume is pure angst, i would have two..... which is not a lot... but kinda funny it's happened twice 😭
but in all of my frustrations bestowed to me by the Curse Of Rewriting, the fruit it bears is the very first kaivier fic i've propwely written 😭 they have like two drafts half unfinished in the wip file, but this is the first i've actually. bothered to finish 😭 which is an achievement of its own 😭 and to be honest. i don't know if i'll do this more exactly? but! it did mean a lot to me to get this out in the open!!!!
bc,,,,,,,, so much of kaia can sometimes get lost in my portrayal of her that i know would shine more in writing. the nuances of her personality are often overshadowed (well, purposely) by her sunshiney front, because that is what she'll push forward, and very insistently so. so moments like these where she lets the mask slip are kind of special. rare, but... special. and it's not something i talk about often,,, the struggles she has with the concept of identity, how meaningful the concept of memories have always been to her, the feeling of home that she finds in her s/o and what 'home' really means for her relationship with xavier especially once she's granted back her memories. and actually neither do i talk about her relationship with sacrifice—even that isn't fully expounded in this, because kaia would, herself, never know how to explain the deep, subconscious need she has to prove herself through a means of sacrifice. but i did get to explore these themes a little bit through here, and how xavier both counters and compliments it, and just- the general theme of the glorification of self-sacrifice that to me has always been so rampant in their relationship.
and i might not brainrot kai as much in comparison to miki.... but i still love her a lot, and the opportunity to write her out like this made me love her a little more. 🤧
this is a baby of a fic of mine atp... akfhshfjs it might be rough and messy but. a happy valentines to my roselight <3
this IS my compensation to myself for not finishing the kaimiah fic for her birthday AND compensation to xavier for not writing kaivier on her birthday. 🤣
Today is a French holiday 🗣️ You heard it here first, folks. It's @kaianqelic 's birthday!!!!! And why wouldn't it be a holiday when someone so gorgeous was born????
She's the only one who is crazy enough to convince me to try snails and the only one who gets to pin me down on a training mat 🥰
Kaia jumps instinctively, hand frozen in place right as she finishes a swipe of her lip gloss. She hadn't heard the door, and the sudden presence in her room after her shower catches her by surprise. Now, her eyes lock with his in the mirror—she doesn't need to identify who the voice belonged to, not when she knows it so well. Instead, she gives him a look.
"I know you've got, like, free, 100% unrestricted access to my room, Xavier, but y'know... unless you're here to either watch me get dressed, oor test out the new lip gloss you got me..."
The corners of her lips lift, almost teasingly, before she turns to face him and blows him a kiss. "I'll be ready for our date in ten, I promise. Just gimme a bit, 'kay?"
happy birthday, @deepspacexavier. (ft. a 5-poetry collection by yours truly.)
"Xavier! Xavier!"
She's panting when she rushes out the campus, bounding down the flight of stairs to where his figure stands waiting. And, for all that they're worth, curse exams. Kaia could chide herself for ever choosing to enroll in a silly little diploma program for library and information science, when that stupid exam would be scheduled today of all days.
His day.
One of the only days that she should have set aside time to spend with him, and him alone.
And so she feels silly, almost, and a little selfish, for asking him to pick her up when she hadn't.
But her face lights up impossibly bright after staring at a test for so long, and it takes all her self control to maintain some decorum and not just jump into his arms. Instead, she hops in place right in front of him and fishes around in her bag before brandishing a small, hardcover book.
"Ta-daaan!!!"
She holds out the book, eyes shining. "I know it's late, and I know we, like, don't really have much time left in the day before it isn't your birthday anymore... but... but...!! I made this for you! So I, uh, hopefully don't make the worst-girlfriend-ever award...?"
She waits a moment for him to take it, and then steps into his little bubble of space. Her head leans against his chest. "I love you, Xavier. I really, really do, okay? Happy birthday."
*Tears open a packet of edible glitter and swirls it into a fresh rose lemonade he's made*
I captured the sunset for you since you haven't seen it in a while. I hope you like it.
*stoops to kiss her forehead and smiles* Do your best.
Ugh I know, I know... Isn't it crazy how much our schedules misalign when it gets like this? You'd think being partners would make things more manageable, but I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks! And this's really the prettiest sunset I've seen in so long...
*/Leans back against him for a moment, sips and then holds up the drink. Grins.*
You're a real energizer, y'know? Alright!!! I'm gonna make you so proud!!!
