Kai's Ramblings

Where I talk about things concerning who I am and what I do.

[kairenthekitsune]

I like to write about how I feel in ways that people see it… maybe it’s the part of me that likes attention, or maybe it’s the hope that somebody can deeply and truly help me. Let’s start with an introduction. If you don’t know who I am, my name is Kai, I am a male kitsune otherkin that has been…

[i-am-zach-deactivated20120827]

Hello Kai… unfortunately in this tag you may be met with some hostility BUT there is a few great people here (that likely understand Kitsune’s far better than I).

I would say many of the feelings you have are common among us kinfolk and I wonder every day why I am here and how it came to be. Some kin find comfort in food, some in spending time in nature (or somewhere you feel safe and more at home) and sometimes in just talking things through. I don’t know how much help I can be but I don’t mind chatting if you feel like it - my skype is demonzach.

[kairenthekitsune]

I know very well what I'm getting into by posting as a part of these tags. It's a bitter shame the flack that a lot of people get on tumblr. But I graciously accept the flack and all, so that they all see that there are real people with real emotions that they shouldn't ignore and needlessly hate. Maybe in time I will post a great many things here, but for now, I am simply in pain and desired an outlet for those emotions. I like to see what they would like to do to me. It's almost a pleasure to see potential hatred thrown against me for nothingness. I hope to prove that there are still a few of us who are sincere in our identities and what they truly mean to us.

I respectfully decline the offer for skyping for the time being... I don't quite know you as well, and I still have my few online friends to communicate with about how I feel currently. This emotion too will pass...as all things do. :3

[kairenthekitsune]

What I feel

I like to write about how I feel in ways that people see it... maybe it's the part of me that likes attention, or maybe it's the hope that somebody can deeply and truly help me. Let's start with an introduction. If you don't know who I am, my name is Kai, I am a male kitsune otherkin that has been floating around the internets for quite some time. It's often strange to me how and why this came about...but that's a discussion for another time.

Right now, reason why I started this tonight... is dysphoria. For any other kinfolk out there, you know what I'm talking about. For a solid week, I've had it pretty badly. It's that feeling of being in the wrong body times one million. Where you want to rip off your skin it feels so bad. Yes, I believe I'm a kitsune in a human body....and it hurts.....more than many will ever know.

I stare now at this pale skin and am disgusted by it. I utterly abhor it in some ways... Not to long ago, a part of me would have found this exact notion hilarious and poke fun about it, but it has long been silent in these days.

I figure that all of this wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have all these damn phantom limbs. They are the biggest blessings and curses that I have ever had. A blessing in that they make me feel more like who I am, but a curse in that they remind me of what exactly I am missing. I want to grab those tails I cannot see. I want to pet that fur which I cannot touch. I want to scratch with claws that just don't work the same. I want to walk on feet that have real pads to stand on!

Yes, I hurt. I hurt in the very pit of my soul. If I could change this body, I would in a heartbeat. Why is it that a once powerful kitsune would willingly accept this fate? Why did I choose this? Why doesn't some higher being allow me to go back after I have tasted this life's pain?

This is a struggle. Maybe there is some higher plan for all of this, but I would at least like just one of my three tails back. I would like something to comfort me when I ever feel down and doubtful...whenever I miss the body I once knew so well....

Some of you might say for me to grow up. Some may say for me to move on past these foolish feelings and desires. I'm trying to continue on as best as I can, but I can never give up what it is that I found about myself. Now that I have something to grasp onto, I will never let go.

Thanks for listening to my rambles... This truly helps.