pls leave :( dont follooooow

ON PURPOSE. I LOVE YOU ON PURPOSE. if u see this .. look away

[kalabiz]

feeling. restless

[kalabiz]

I LOOK CRAZY ALL BC OF A WORD??

[kalabiz]

i feel vaguely and i credibly stupid bc i cant stop crying bc this book said the word amnesia and my heart has been going crazy for the past ten minhtes

[kalabiz]

[kalabiz]

[kalabiz]

oh thabk god

[kalabiz]

ITS AMSLT ZAINABS BDAY IM SO EXCITED FOR HER LOVE HER SM

[dynamics-of-an-asteroid]

Parts Unknown: Newfoundland

[calmandtalented]

[kalabiz]

was going to post this on peach but then the thought of ppl knowing i have seizures freaked me out

being chronically ill is seriously the worst thing. and im so thankful my illness is manageable and has been for years bc when i was younger i used to get seizures at least once a month bc i was misdiagnosed w epilepsy and the medication that i was on for that made things so much worse. it took like 8 months for me to get diagnosed properly and get on the correct medication, and gradually my seizures stopped bc i was no longer on meds that were putting my body into shock bc they werent supposed to b in there. and im in a lot of pain always, and it doesnt help that i have add and dyslexia because literally all of my problems are inside my brain. and every time i get new meds for one thing, i have to change everything else and the adjustment period is so fucking hard every single time. but at least this is something i can deal with day to day. seizures will be something that i’m always at risk of, but it won’t kill me iA. growing up i was so ashamed of this part of me. not being healthy and well was a weight i carried and i wish i had been more open to friends abt it bc i couldve avoided a lot of things if i had. but its fine now! its fineeeee. my surgery in january took out my stupid tumor and its been 8 months and two days and next week i have a checkup and hopefully there has been no growth since my last appointment in april. wish my surgeon had been more shallow tho 🙄🙄🙄🙄 she left me with a scar on the right side of my head that i have to figure out how to cover every time 🤬🤬🤬🤬😁

[kalabiz]

the past two days been so bad

[kalabiz]

u have terrible timing. i amready feel shitty enough

[kalabiz]

WORKING SUCKS HAVI F TO EARN MONEY SUCKZ !

[kalabiz]

watch s4 of korra.. her talking abt how she fears shell mever recover amd how she still has flashes and all this health stuff. i feel . very uncomfortable

[kalabiz]

with september so close. i feel. incredibly mad at myself. i spent the four months after trying so hard to just . remember. to fit things for myself. ive had to be quiet for so long. in the beginning i didnt know what questions to ask and so many people just didnt know what they should tell me. and once i started getting a better grip on the life i have. asking thise questions was just embarrassing? and mami and everyone just acts like nothing happened. we dont fucking talk about it or mention it. and with ash and ari and dani and destiny. its just not the same thing anymore. theres so many things ive pieced together that they just refuse to talk abt and say its in the past. well how can it be in the past if i dont even know about it? and its so upsetting to think about donovan and how he just couldnt handle what happened and now we’re just distant friends. like ill see u on instagram or send u a buzzfeed link once a month friends when it used to be me and him, two peas in a pod. and justin. im so good with justin now. how out of all people is justin now my best friend. i love him so much, but he just doesnt know everything. and i wont wven think about online because thats so upsetting. all the friends i have right now are people i just met or my friends from hs or njit. and thats just a shallow cersion if whsts happening with me.

the worst thing was being off tc and add in order to help my brain get to a neutral place gearing up for surgery once we saw that i had the benign tumor. like those were such bad emotional months. i know right now infeel crazy but ive never felt more displaced from my body. the one thing i am incrediblt grateful for is mami agreeing that i needed therapy after that psychiatrist recc’d it. like dr. lasater genuinely helped me sort out so much and my progress ti getting a tangible hold on my life would not have been in any way as good as it went. the days after the hospital. i wss so anxious to get a grip on my life to force myself to ease back into the person i was in september. isnt that fucking weird? i came back online and fought so hard with mami to just let me dtay at the dorms and stsrt the semester instead of delaying a semester or a year. who even does that. and i fought so hard to like the things i did. i like kpop and that stuff now. but in the beginning it was me just forcing myself to watch videos and learn in order to try to jog something in me.

and september and october i tried my best to text people and find out wjere i stood with them. for the leos and everyone back home i think we’re lnly ok now just because we didnt have to see eaxhother every day bc we all started uni and calls once a week was Enough. we didnt have a chance for it to get awkward and heavy. and honestly being friwnds with justin and kris made this so much easier. especially with meeting mo and the rest of njit crew. and then november hit and thats when it was like Woah its serious now . and i was scared of dying because my brain hurt so much and i was. so . empty and i stopped texting people and i decided ok im not gonna try like i was vefore what happens happens. and i just. i dont even think anyone from njcu or the frienfs ive made rn at uni know abt my health problems or the redacted. only my roomates because we had to sign the thingy saying they were aware or whatever. like its just not important anymore and its embarrassing. ive spent so many years hiding and keeping my tc seizures as lowkey as possible from pillow crew besides ashley. like redacred? not that big of a thing to hide. and how embarrasing is it to admit that it happened because u overdosed and ur body was alresdy in over drive and u dont even know Why you were suicidal. humiliatioooon my looove iand when december christmas thing happened and i had the seizure. that was terrifying because it was only three weeks until surgery and it felt like a nail in tbe coffin?

but its whatever now. ill never get those yesrs back and sometimes i still get scared when im trying to olace a memory or trying ti tell a story and its just blank. but its something . it feels okay now. and left hand tremor is always gonna be something u have to deal w bc of the surgery but at leadt i dont hesr those stupid fucking wind chimes anymore.

[kalabiz]

rereading this rn . yeah still

[kalabiz]

i think one of the most tiring things indid in jan besides my surgery was watch the google rewinds for the year and then going into a loop by looking everything up and being more and more surprised. jt was so exhausting having to . adjust my worldview again and agaim and again in two days.

[kalabiz]

when she celebrates her 1 year anniversary 😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌

[kalabiz]

time to WHAT what the fuck am i supposed to do 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣