u know what I have a lot more thoughts.
I hear young women who have recently fallen in love with or gotten curious about some form of gender nonconformity ask questions like âhow do I dress/act/be more butchâ and tbh I approached it that way for a bit and it was a big mistake that cost me a lot of peace of mind! I started off on the right foot, with frequent ring of keys type moments where I would see other gender nonconforming women and feel envy, awe, discovery, resonance. I cut my hair short and it felt good, I looked at images of menâs fashion and was clearly able to see what kinds of clothes that I would enjoy wearing, I gave myself permission to consider all these things Iâd never felt allowed before, everything felt new and magical.Â
somewhere along the line though I got off track. on this site and in groups of people who talk like they spend significant time on this site, to be honest. I put the word âbutchâ and whether or not I was âallowedâ to use it on a higher priority level than the simplicity of âwhat do I want/likeâ. instead of asking myself âdo I like this article of clothingâ, I started asking (although not in sucg self aware words) âdoes this article of clothing grant me access to this label or does it not make the cutâ. in that process I lost a lot of the meaning of âbutchâ in my own head and heart even as I began to be recognized that way by others. I started trying to check off more and more boxes out of anxiety and impatience around group belonging, and totally disconnected myself from my actual preferences and styles!Â
hereâs what that mistake looked like in practice: I tried to overhaul my entire wardrobe in one fell swoop, purchasing as many cheap menâs clothes as I could in short order. clothes that fit poorly, clothes that didnât match well, and clothes that, now that I think about it, do not line up with the styles I enjoy if I stop and think about what I like for even half a second. plus womenâs tshirts and pants that I deemed innocuous and drab enough to pass as masculine. after the initial rush of remaking myself passed, I looked in the mirror one day and thought âgross, I kinda look uglyâ. I mistook this for having misinterpreted my âselfâ in some way and fell into crisis over whether or not I was really butch. but I kept staring at other butches and gnc women and still thinking âyeah thatâs me, Iâm just doing it wrong or donât look effortlessly good in it and that sucksâ. I still wasnât understanding what Iâd done wrong.Â
at this point, I started dating my partner who takes meticulous care of their appearance, and in particular has very nice menâs clothes. this set the tone for my next purchases, and I got a few menâs items that I am really proud of that actually line up with my tastes. I noticed whenever I wore those clothes, I wouldnât feel any anxiety, doubt, or impulses to distance myself from gender nonconformity. I would feel happy and attractive and wouldnât spend a lot of time interrogating how âbutchâ I âlookedâ. I would just walk out of the house thinking âman I look hot todayâ. but when I would go back to wearing some of those ill fitting clothes I bought out of hasty obligation, those insecurities and doubts would fly back into my body. I would feel more dysphoric and turn to binding and questioning my entire gender identity, fluctuating between polarized, nasty thoughts like âwhy donât I just be a guy even though I feel deeply uncomfortable with that idea, maybe then I could do this rightâ and âwhy donât I just go back to wearing makeup and grow out my hair so I donât waste my life looking so uglyâ.Â
essentially, whenever I distance myself from my basic desires and focus on identity label first, then rule-following actions, my whole body can feel that artificiality and screams at me to get out, which I mistake as a rejection of gender nonconformity itself. but whenever I dress myself and hold myself in ways I am drawn to, without coming to those decisions through a complex internal process of criteria and scrutiny, I find myself embodying a more effortless, weightless gender nonconformity. and in those moments I find my swagger or whatever. I feel confident, sexy, turns out I probably am literally butch, not just a kid who wants desperately to be butch and is âdoing it wrongâ. Iâm butch, not because I picked a word and am now following all the right rules, but because the things that I do in my life in response to my wants and needs happen to be described well by âbutchâ.Â
which isnât to say that people canât come into their desired behaviors, styles, and life choices through finding out about a group or word that resonates with them. itâs okay to feel drawn to a concept like butch and start your journey that way, but I donât think it works to get sucked into a checklist mentality of self-diagnosis and treating one label for one experience like itâs a diet or a prescription. and I just want to say to questioning girls, donât feel the need to ask a pubescent baby dyke on anonymous if youâre âallowedâ to say youâre butch or for tips on âlooking butch enoughâ. I remember when I was 17 and had donated a few skirts only a month prior, I was already getting anons saying things like âbaby gay looking for butch tips.â first off youâre asking someone whoâs barely any less baby than yourself. second of all itâs not about permission. anyone CAN use any word, it shouldnât be about that. it should be about if that word describes the life youâre living, and if it doesnât, thatâs really not the end of the entire world.
realizing all of these things has really restructured how I talk to questioning butches and other lgbt people. yes, all the usual reassurances have grains of value: âsometimes you go through many words for yourself in your lifeâ, âyou can change identitiesâ âtry out butch and if it doesnât fit you youâre not badâ⌠but going beyond that, why do we have to put the words first in all these conversations! why does the whole solar system have to spin around that? the solar system of the words spins around material experiences and therefore we have to situate our strongest reassurances to other young people (and people of all ages coming into their own) around material experiences. there are already no shortage of posts saying âitâs okay to call yourself butch if you ____â. what we are in desperate need of is more posts saying âhey girls, it is okay if you want to wear clothes from the menâs section.â âhey girls, itâs okay if you want to [anything here]â.Â
Iâm just saying connect young girls to thinking about what they really like! that sounds simple but itâs really such a woman experience to be filtering everything you do through painful self scrutiny. decenter the language of group membership for a second and recenter wants and needs! because there are probably girls out there who like elements of menswear or want to try a buzzcut, who may be femme or who may be neither butch nor femme, who could still use the âpermissionâ or encouragement to be gender nonconforming if theyâve never heard it before. and then we can avoid people feeling the need to write thinkpieces like âIâm butch even though I wear designer eye shadowâ because their idea of âpermissionâ to be gnc wouldnât be all tied up in a word they put before their lived experiences.Â
anyway. this post solved most of my identity crises in the time it took me to finish writing it.Â
