The words hit her and Nari froze, her eyes shifting from Thea to Nalla and back again. Gone? She couldn’t be gone, not for good. She left, went to do something alone again like the reckless moron she sometimes was, but she’d be back. She wouldn’t just... leave. She’d promised. She’d promised.
But the truth of it was there in their words, their eyes. It shone through the pity they directed her way, a reaction that burned through her straight to the bone. Words circle through her mind, words once spoken between them. Nari asking Sera to tell her if she planned to leave, and Sera promising she would. Promising she would, telling her they were friends, saying she felt better with them at her side. All of it looped and looped through her mind, playing over Thea and Nalla’s words as she stared blindly back at them. They hadn’t been there to hear that promise, after all. Then it had been her and Sera, Zia and Sylvia. And they’d left too, the both of them.
Everyone left.
Nari stood and said nothing more about it. Instead she went up to the room she’d been staying in, pulling on fresh clothes and pads and armor plates with hands that shook. There was such fury in her, such anger, and she wondered how it would ever burn out. Sera’s magic fire, left behind to burn eternally, bright and destructive in her chest.
She buried it, let it simmer low in her as she and the others left the theatre again. There was no place for emotion in a rebellion, was there? Isn’t that what Sera had told her? And foolishly Nari had continued to argue that there was nothing to fight for if they did not feel. Well. Sera was right, as usual. It had been naive of her to let her heart lead her so far. From now on, it was only strategy, the fight, the cause. There was no room for love or hope. Only the next step, again and again, until there were no more steps to take -- or until she was no longer capable of walking them.
She couldn’t say she was surprised, when they got swept up and taken to the hotel. It was only a matter of time before her cover story reached her father’s ears. He wouldn’t be welcoming, and the pleasant accommodations did nothing but make her more nervous. It felt like being in that house again, locked away in her tower nursery with no one but her nanny for company. It made her skin itch, made her too restless to hold still. She paced the bedroom as Thea readied herself for a bath, even went so far as to throw open a window to allow the chilled air to cool her overheated skin. This day had been too much...
The raven landed, dropped an envelope on the windowsill. Nari stared at it, at the familiar handwriting, even after the bird flew away. The sound of the bathroom door opening and closing was what pulled her out of her almost trance-like state and she looked over her shoulder and back again. She read the letter, each word of it flaming the fire in her chest until it was at full burn again. She crumpled it and shoved it deep into her bag of holding before slamming the window shut and moving back into the suite.
As soon as she was sat outside the bathroom door, Nari pulled paper, quill, and ink from her bag. She used the sack as a table of sorts, though in her fury, the quill kept piercing the paper in places as she wrote.
You don’t know the size of the hole you left. You broke every promise you’ve ever given, made a liar of one of the only people I’ve ever trusted in my life. Do you even realize that? Everything you’ve ever told me was made a lie when you left without a word.
I loved you so deeply, so truly. In so many ways beyond what you knew. My heart was so wholly yours and you’ve left it in ribbons. You did not leave it kindly, or gently. You did not hand it back to me, broken but still in two otherwise reparable halves. No, it is tattered, strung into so many threads that there is hardly a chance of ever fully mending it. And you don’t even know it. You don’t even know the extent of the damage you’ve caused.
Not completely your fault. No, not completely. I’ve always been stupid, naive. Too open to you when really, I should have known the truth of it.
You are a selfish coward, Sera. Only someone who was such could flee through a window without a word to those left behind. Without a word to me. And no, not all your fault, as I was foolish enough to make you the whole of my world. But for you, I was only a very small piece of it. That bit, at least, is on me.
But it doesn’t make you less of a coward.
I suppose there’s good news from this all. I have learned a valuable lesson, and I should thank you for that, I suppose. I’ve learned how foolish it is to love another person. To trust so completely and offer everything so naively. From now on, I shall keep my heart cold and uninvolved, as you clearly did with me. It has no place in this war.
Goodbye, Sera
The last letter of her name trailed off, a hard line punctuated by the press of her quill so that it punched through and scraped against her bag. Nari carefully capped the ink, cleaned the quill, rolled the excess paper. all of it disappeared into her bag while she stared down at the note, her vision blurred with edges of red.
Thea opened the bathroom door and Nari pushed to her feet, the letter crumpled in her hand as she did so. She’d barely had time to look between her two friends - no, companions, not friends - before there was a knock. From there, everything seemed to fly.
Though just before they disappeared, Nari tossed the crumpled note into the fire burning across from them in the hall. She watched the edges turn black before the smothering darkness of teleportation took them.
Their plan was a solid one, or so Nari thought at least. There was a minimal chance that it would go wrong, that they’d be discovered and killed on sight by the dragons that flanked the bridge. If her father had so much as whispered his suspicions -- if he had any -- that his daughter was a player in the rebellion then they would certainly not make it through the gates. Nari was willing to bet her own life that his pride would prevent him from ever voicing those concerns, but she was uncomfortable with risking Thea’s, as well as Nalla’s and Sera’s. Still, with no better plan coming to mind (not without far greater risks and far bigger uncertainties), they pushed forward with their plan.
And Nari worked to become the daughter that Petyr and Aruwyn Cliffside would have wanted her to be.
The planning helped. As silly as some of it was, it kept her distracted for a bit and kept her mind more on the pretending of it all. Not real, just a made up story. She was not Astryd, not anymore. She was Nari, with friends all around her and a rebellion to fight for. People she was truly loyal to at her side, a cause she believed in waving like a finish line flag in front of her. Perhaps the guards would never ask what her fiancee’s favorite color was or whether she was home schooled or not, but the little details of a made up background helped to remind her it was an act.
It felt like less of one the closer they got. As they crossed the bridge, as Thea dispelled the poisonous cloud that crept ominously across the stone, she could feel a coldness settling over her that reminded her so much of how being in Cliffside Manor had felt. They mounted their horses and Nari nudged hers -- Sera, she reminded herself again -- forward, eyeing the bridge guards with an expression she’d often seen her mother wear. Boredom mixed with disdain. Stern, her friends had told her, and it wasn’t hard for Nari to achieve that. Her parents settled into her in expression and tone, in demand and expectation. She watched the guard blanch as she stated who she was and felt a cold satisfaction from it.
She talked over him, cut off his own arguments. Unrolled her papers as she rarely did while her signet ring flashed. There was a power in it, a rush that came with such things. Astryd Cliffside stared down at the guard with barely concealed impatience as he looked over her scroll of pedigree. And just like that, they were through.
She held onto the expression as she followed Thea into the city, not sure where they were going next. There was a buzzing in her ears as they passed through the dragons, the sound of blood rushing so that she was all but deaf to their surroundings as they rode on. She opened a large door at Thea’s request, watched her charge inside before following closely after with Sera. It was the sight of Thea launching herself into the arms of a man and kissing him senseless that snapped her at last back into the present. Nari was needed here. Nari needed to be present. Not Astryd. She was dead.
She met Thea’s friend, the multitude of out-of-work sailors that were staying here, whoever else happened to be around. She stopped Thea briefly to make sure she was okay, and that conversation had been nice, if a bit baffling to Nari. Then she had gone with Sera and Nalla to the room they’d been given, spreading her sleep roll out nearest the door so that she might keep some sort of watch. Just in case.
It wasn’t too long before she understood Thea’s suggestion of earplugs.
Between Nalla’s rattling snores and the sounds of... whatever was happening in Thea’s friend’s room, Nari knew she wouldn’t sleep. Not here. So she slipped out of the room and headed away from the sleeping quarters, down the stairs to where they’d first come in. She wandered a bit and it wasn’t long before she found herself on the side of the stage, eyes searching the darkness beyond, though she could see nothing beyond the glow of her candle.
Nari wandered out to the center of the stage and sat, cross-legged, still staring into darkness. She felt somehow apart from herself, like some divide had been built when she’d slipped into Astryd for even those brief moments. She felt... she wasn’t sure. A bit frightened of who she was beneath her outer layers. A bit disgusted with herself for sliding into that person so easily, for feeling that tiny rush from the success of outwitting someone else. For some reason, shedding Astryd again was not quite so easy as putting her on.
It scared her that underneath it all, that’s who she was. That smug, arrogant girl was part of her, and being her was easy. So much easier than being the person she’d created for herself.
But she chose Nari. Nari the paladin, Nari the rebel. That’s what she had to remember. Nari closed her eyes and prayed to the ancients, sitting there center stage in nothing but her sleeping gown. She clutched the candle tightly between her hands and tried to wrap the warmth of that power and acceptance around herself. The candle flame flared brighter, dancing straight and true.
I am with the Light, Nari thought desperately. Please don’t let me lose myself in darkness...
It was a heavy name and a heavy purpose, a burden as much as a promise, and one she’d voluntarily taken upon herself when she was Chosen. The tiefling named Zaitari had died that day upon the alter of the matron, and from the ashes rose Atonement -- Toni the less threatening name she offered when she introduced herself, as there was no need to share her burden. She’d traveled, she’d performed, she’d made coin and learned to live her life in the wake of her gravest mistake. She’d spread knowledge of the matron’s existence as best she could, and in return, she’d been granted the gift of healing. Many magicks, really, as she was as much warrior as healer in the matron’s name. When Toni had realized the gift she’d been given, she’d thrown herself in supplication at the base of the matron’s alter and wept with her gratefulness. And if there was a darkness to the magic she was given, a sort of eeriness to its source, Toni did not question her patron.
Of course, Toni hadn’t really considered the purpose for her powers until Lux. Lux, who was brash and abrasive and infuriating. Lux, who was strong and eager to fight. A fighter was a gift. A fighter meant blood and battle, a fighter meant a chance to use her gifts. As long as Toni could get her head around the half-orc’s actual personality, she could deal with the rest. They’d started journeying together, and Toni had practiced her healing. Not long into their meeting, they’d taken on Thorn and Mark as well, and Toni realized there was a path for her to follow. On her search for atonement, she was to accompany this lot, and keep them safe. Keep them alive. Whether that meant attacking or protecting, Toni used it all to keep them going through every battle.
It hadn’t occurred to her that she loved them all until they were down in the maze of tunnels and Lux suddenly vanished. She’d known she was loyal to them, and that she’d protect them with her own life if need be, but love hadn’t been a thought in her head until that moment. Not even friendship, really. For so long she’d made herself think of them only as her traveling companions, as practice for her powers, as... acquaintances at most. People who helped her make money. But then Lux vanished and her heart had wrenched, her panic spiking sharply in her chest, and she’d known.
She loved these fucking idiots so goddamned much it was almost sickening.
They bickered. They used Thorn as a sort of blockade, a test dummy of sorts, and that made her feel guilty only sometimes. They got at each other and sometimes they acted selfishly and kept an extra coin or two. Sometimes Toni wanted to cast a more harmful spell at Lux (knowing that she would just heal her up again a moment later and it’d be fine). Sometimes Mark’s deference and naivete took more patience than Toni thought she was capable of. One time she and Lux had gone at it purely because it was either that or kill one another (not that Lux remembered, or Toni wanted to remember). But... she loved them. Her parents had been far from loving and she’d grown up in a town that hated her, followed by living on streets of people that shied away from her. This group never had. They’d become a hodgepodge of a mercenary group, a band of adventurers no one would’ve placed together. And they’d stuck, they worked. What the hell was with that anyway?
And fuck, she didn’t want to love them. She didn’t want to care about any of them, didn’t want to get attached. But... well, it was too late now. So now, she would keep all of them alive.
And if that someday meant trading her own life to her matron for theirs, then so be it.
With her own thoughts bobbing around like apples in a barrel of rainwater, Sera listened to Nari’s reassurances thoughtfully. It surprised her a little bit, hearing Nari defending Lex, knowing there was tension there at one point (even if she didn’t fully grasp the cause). Nari’s words were soothing, a balm to her troubled mind. They didn’t magically heal everything, but they took the sting out of her own worst impulses and helped bolster the faith and hope for the future she’d clung to with all her might. Sera couldn’t help but let the faintest traces of a smile peek through. “Oh I would have joined up on this cause regardless, that much is true. Organized mayhem and upturning the order of things? Dang right I’d be there.”
Separately from the assurances about Lex, Nari gave her own promise, one that seemed to layer on their previous commitments to one another. Even when things felt stretched or strained between them for whatever reason (usually, probably, because Sera did something reckless), Sera had never had a friend she knew she could count on as much as she could Nari. She felt the squeeze of Nari’s fingers and returned it before they slipped away again. She nodded at the assurance that things would be alright, wanting to believe it, needing to trust it. “How’d you get so wise?” she asked, peering over, one eye closed against the bright sun.
This time an actual laugh, small though it was, escaped her. “A burning star and two moons. Too far away and we’d both be icicles right now. Although that might be preferable. I can make fire, so I can always keep myself and others warm. Doesn’t exactly help here,” she said with a sigh. She reached over and patted Nari’s thigh just above her knee, letting her hand rest there amiably. “There, there. As soon as we find someone responsible, we’ll force them to change it, turn it down a few notches. Till then, maybe we can find you some lighter armor? I’ll pitch in for it if need be. Can’t have you melting away in that giant cauldron you wear.”
Her lips ticked up at Sera’s reply because Nari knew, of course she knew, that Sera’s heart was in this. She didn’t need to be on... intimate terms with the ringleader for her to be central to this rebellion. And honestly, neither did Nari. Despite some initial doubts, liking -- or even tolerating -- the ringleader was not a requirement for her to be here. Nor was her love for Sera and her affection for the others, though both things held steady and true. Nari was here because she was needed, and because it was right. Nari was here because she’d sworn and oath to uphold the goodness in this world and she knew with every fiber of her being that she was living that truth now, here in the company of her friends. And oh, she hadn’t meant to consider them that, hadn’t wanted to feel close to them, or attached to them. But she was. It was too late now to take that back, especially with Sera, who held more of her heart than Nari would have thought possible.
At the question, Nari felt color rise to her cheeks, glad it could be blamed on the heat of the sun above them. The only bonus to being in this dreadful heat. “I learned many a wise things keeping you in line,” she responded with a hint of cheek and a slightly warmer smile, her eyes flickering sideways and away again. She wasn’t sure if she’d helped Sera at all, or if the other girl had taken any of what she’d said to heart, but she’d done her best. And Sera seemed a little calmer, a little less fearful. If that was truly the case, then she’d done her job.
Nari was more certain of it when she even managed to tug a laugh from her friend, her own mouth curling into a rare grin in response. Sera was one of the only people she could let go around, her smiles completely uninhibited. “I think I’d rather be frozen,” she murmured, nose crinkling at the idea of making fire in this heat. Well... almost completely uninhibited, Nari thought, freezing when Sera’s hand landed on her thigh and lingered there. More heat burned up her neck and into her ears, made her almost lightheaded as she fought not to stare down at the hand on her leg. She both wanted Sera to move it and really hoped she wouldn’t, heat spreading from where her palm sat. Hotter even than the air they cooked in now, its presence very much weighing on Nari’s awareness. She swallowed hard and nodded once, a jerky motion of her head as she stared hard out into the canyon. Fearing her voice might shake if she used it, she replied in Sera’s mind. Can’t swap the armor unfortunately. It’s doing a damn good job of keeping me alive.
Lex’s voice echoed in her head, and Nari’s head too, she knew, and it made Sera’s chest tighten painfully. There was often an ache there, though much milder; an ache of longing, of missing someone, of wanting to be where they are; of wanting to talk to them, protect them. It came with the territory of who they were and what they were doing that they weren’t able to be physically together very often, or know when the next time they might see each other would be. It was usually an ache she could acknowledge and (for the most part) ignore in favor of the bigger picture. Now it made it hard to breathe with its intensity.
Sera picked up a small stone from the ground between her feet and fiddled with it as Nari sat beside her and took off her armor. She didn’t know how the paladin could wear so much in this heat to begin with, but also knew it was necessary to keep her safe. We all have secrets, Sera. She looked over at that, a scowl pinching her brows closer, though she knew it was true. Was it truly secrets, or was it just information and history they hadn’t had time to get to yet? The same could be said of she and Nari - they’d become close, Nari was the best friend she’d ever had, and they’d shared a lot. Not everything, no, simply because some things hadn’t come up, or they hadn’t had the time yet to get to some stories. That part made sense, but hiding things? That wasn’t something she and Lex did with each other…was it?
Her attention turned back to the small stone in her hand, a thumb rubbing dust from the cracks to be taken in small puffs by the light breeze. “I get if it was something from her past she hadn’t told me. Some caper or job she did when she was younger, or heck, even just a few months ago. It’s not like we’ve told each other every single detail of our lives. We haven’t had that much time,” she added. She threw the rock a few feet away and brushed her hands on the knees of her pants. “Something like this? Someone you’re going to marry? That’s not like one of a dozen acts of rebellion that all look like the others. You’d think that’d be something that would come up.” She looked over at Nari, the scowl partially relaxed, replaced by mere confusion. “How do I know that though?” she asked. “I want to believe that, I want to believe that nothing’s changed, that we’re exactly where I thought we were together. But there’s this voice,” she says, a hand waving next to her head, “that keeps saying ‘what if?’ What if it’s just a game, that stringing me along was a way to get me more committed to this whole rebellion? What if she’s actually married, or still intending to be, to this Shaela person? I would never know it, would I?”
Sera shook her head and pushed her hair away, hand pausing at the back of her head, still holding a hank of hair off her face. She didn’t think anything of Nari’s last comment, other than giving a small snort of disbelief. “Not that easy. A bit too wild for most. Easier as a friend, I guess,” she offered as one shoulder lifted and fell in something akin to resignation. Her thoughts were still see-sawing back and forth, wanting desperately to believe the good ones but finding it difficult to ignore the bad. The anger had all but burned itself away, leaving a well of confusion and hurt in its wake. “Thank you, for coming after me. I probably won’t get any actual answers until I see her again, whenever that is. I don’t think my messengers will get to her.” She leaned her head back against the rock with a sigh and closed her eyes. “How’re you doing in the heat? You should maybe find a hat like Nalla’s, something that covers your face. You’re getting kind of pink.”
Nari didn’t argue Sera’s point. It was hard to when she agreed with her, when she believed that a (hopefully ex) fiancee was really a bit of information that should be shared with a current romantic partner. All of the things Sera listed, all of the things she worried about, were valid as well. At the same time, she didn’t want it to be any of those things -- because Lex made Sera happy, loving her and being loved by her made her happy, and there was no part of her that wanted Sera to lose that. And it was because of that Nari continued to gently defend Lex, her voice soft and reasoning. “I think if you’d met in a normal life,” she said, “If things weren’t the way they were, if you’d met in a bar and were together every night and she never told you, I’d wonder more why she wouldn’t have shared that.” Nari’s lips pressed together a moment. In reality, she thought it was something Lex should have shared already, despite the circumstances, once things started getting serious between them. But she could see why it hadn’t come up, why Lex hadn’t mentioned it. She could see several reasons why it was possible.
“I don’t know who Shaela is. I don’t know what happened between them or... or what Lex is thinking. But I know that if I-- if I loved someone...” Nari’s eyes slid away from Sera at that point, staring back out into the canyon. “If I did, and if my time with her was limited, I wouldn’t want to waste a second of it talking about things like that. I’d want to spend it holding her, talking with her. Just being together, you know?” Nari’s drew her knees up, folded her arms around them as her heart drummed in her chest. “There is so much happening in our world. Maybe she just wants to be with you.” She lifted a shoulder, let it fall. “But if I’m wrong and she hurts you, I’ll kill her myself.” Her head tilted back towards Sera, eyes skimming over her features. “But let’s be honest, Sera. A romantic relationship isn’t needed for you to be dedicated to this cause, so I doubt that’s it.”
Again Nari looked away, wondering how it was that Sera could believe she wasn’t easy to love. How many people were loyal to her now? How many connections did she have, how many friends had she made in just the time Nari had known her? Nari... now, Nari struggled to make friends, to keep them. Nari didn’t trust easily and she was rarely enough of a presence to make people stay. The same wasn’t true for Sera. People liked her, enjoyed her. People knew how smart she was, how powerful, how truly dedicated she was. They knew someone who could make a difference, who could lead them to that difference. And yes, people loved her. How did she not see it? From Ben to Lex to Nari herself, the girl was loved. Distracted by Sera’s thanks, Nari offered a small, sad smile, reaching out to take Sera’s hand with her own. She squeezed once, lingered there in that soft hold even as her eyes remained focused elsewhere. “I will always come after you,” she promised softly before releasing her hand again, arms returning to their previous position wrapped around her own legs. “Things will be okay, Sera. You’ll see.”
When Sera continued to speak, it was obvious she was trying to change the subject. So Nari let herself groan just a hint dramatically, lips curling into a pout as her eyes flickered to the sunny sky above. “Whose idea was it to populate a world beneath a burning star? I much prefer the ones that are far, far away from our planet.” Again Nari touched her fingers to a stinging cheeks, wishing her skin wasn’t so pale and sensitive. She wished she had Sera’s tolerance for heat or Thea’s darker skin. And gods, she wished she had thinner armor. Some nice leather perhaps, or even no armor at all, the way a few of her compatriots fought. “It’s dreadful, Sera. Absolutely dreadful. To whom do I file a complaint against the sun?”
There was the smallest pang of jealousy at the mention of another woman’s name, the way the dwarf tossed it out there, a seemingly significant addendum. He didn’t say it like she was just another in their band of rebellious misfits; there was weight to it, some meaning Sera could glean, even if she didn’t know what it was. The jealousy was a quick prick in her mind, nothing more really. About the time she’d dismissed it, the questions - and their answers - came from the others. Someone Lex was supposed to…marry? Someone important enough that someone like Garrick knew about her. He knew George too, and Diana, the cleric currently traveling with Lex, and however many others. Sera didn’t know how long it had been since he’d been in touch with them, one of however many groups Lex associated herself with through the years. Some time, at least, it seemed. But those thoughts, those rationales, gave way to the tumult of emotion as she turned from the group and went a short way up the canyon pass to find a messenger.
The message itself was all she could get out, the only coherent string of words that didn’t get jumbled together with arguments and counter-arguments in her head. Who is Shaela? What happened to her? Where is she? Are they still together somewhere? No, no, that’s not…is it? Lex wouldn’t…would she? They were supposed to be married. Were they? She reached into her left pocket - the right held the message stone that would soon carry Thea’s voice to the group - and felt another, smaller stone. It was warm to the touch, but warmed further as she held it. A gift passed on by a crow when they were resting at the beach, Sera had occasionally felt its heat through her clothing, a brief assurance that Lex was alive and on the other end with the stone’s twin. It was the smallest of connections, but it was enough. Wasn’t it?
Sera turned at the sound of Nari’s voice, releasing the stone and pulling her hand from her pocket. There was a delay in registering what Nari had said, actual words fighting through the noise of conflicting thoughts in Sera’s mind. She shook her head quickly as she realized what Nari had said was true. “It was the first thing I found,” she explained, eyes wide and darting, now looking to the sky to see if she could maybe spell a bird. She dropped her gaze to the ground and shook her head again, more slowly this time. The heat against her leg abated to its normal level of warm and she waited, waited for it to rise again, waited for answers to the myriad of questions she had, not liking the ones that she was giving herself. Thea’s voice echoed in her mind through the stone in her other pocket, the message and request sent. She considered using her own message through that stone, but didn’t want or need the conversation to be limited in words or shared with the entire group. She didn’t feel like going back to the camp, not just yet, so she dropped next to a large boulder, leaning her back against the rock still warm from the sun. Her elbows propped on bent knees and her head fell into her hands, as if the heels of her palms could keep the roaring thoughts in order. “I don’t understand,” she said softly as she lifted her head and pushed hair away from her face and looked at Nari as if the paladin might carry some answers.
She watched and waited until Sera turned, her eyes sharp and searching as they flickered over her face. There was so much going on behind those eyes and it took everything inside of her not to step forward and gather the other girl against her. She had a feeling that wasn’t the right answer, and it probably wasn’t good for her either. Sera needed a moment, needed some breathing room, but she also didn’t need to be alone. Nari could be a good friend. Nari could be the person Sera talked to about whatever she felt and she could listen without judgment. She could. She... was pretty sure. For a moment, golden eyes followed the trail the rabbit had taken, then followed Sera’s to the sky. She wondered how far away Lex was and if the rabbit would make it in the time allotment of the spell, or if it would fade before the message was delivered. Then Sera would be left without answers for far longer...
She heard Thea’s voice then, and not long after the response in Lex’s voice, echoing in her head in a familiar enough way that it wasn’t startling. Benefits of psionic abilities, she supposed. It had something going tight and hot in her belly before she swallowed and forced the irritation away. Not her place to get mad for Sera. What she and Lex shared was really none of her business. Not beyond how it affected her closest friend, in any case. A shuffling sound drew her attention down and back to Sera, eyes focusing again with their strange intensity as Sera sank to the ground with her back propped against a rock. The sun gleamed gold over long copper hair, highlighted the reds within the browns so that it shone in the midday light. So beautiful, her Sera, and for a moment Nari just watched her and ached with so much sadness that it stole her breath. And when Sera looked up at her with all of that confusion, her heart only fractured a bit more.
Slowly, so slowly, she moved to the boulder, turned, and slid down the length of it until she sat beside Lex. For a while she offered nothing but silent comfort as she methodically stripped off her heavy armor piece by piece, tired of feeling like she was cooking inside of a tin in all of this heat. She set the plates aside and heaved a breath of relief when she was finally free, fingers rubbing absently over her cheeks where the skin was stinging and tender from the color baked into it by the sun. There were more freckles now brought out by said sun, dusted gold across her cheeks and the bridge of her nose that Nari was unaware of as she stared out into the canyon. “We all have secrets, Sera,” she said at last, her voice soft and sad. “We all have things we try to hide, even from ourselves. And sometimes in hiding from ourselves, we forget that there are others who deserve to know those things we hide from. I don’t think...” Nari brought a deep breath into her lungs, exhaled slowly as she tried to maneuver around her own giant bias to the truth of what was. “Whoever this Shaela is, I don’t think she’s part of Lex’s life anymore. She wouldn’t hurt you that way. She loves you.” Nari looked over at her friend, temple resting against warm stone. “You’re easy to love.”
It’s always been a bit of a disappointing thing for her, especially as a child when such a thing was really her only chance of escape from the home she’d been raised in. Daydreaming wasn’t quite the same, and what visions she did have were strange and hard to follow, and certainly not of herself.
Recently she’d been a bit more grateful for the lack of that ability, as she’s discovered too many things about herself for her nights to pass without some sort of imagining she was better left without. Dreams could only cause trouble in her current life, and the fact she can’t have them is what makes her able to sleep alongside Sera in the confines of the small tent they must all share, Nalla taking up the bulk of space and squishing them together. (It takes a bit, but she does sleep, laying awkwardly for a time on the flat of her back before exhaustion claims her.)
She doesn’t have dreams, but the visions still come.
Visions of that faraway spirit she’d taken her new name from. Far away? Ancient? Both? Nari still doesn’t quite understand where she comes from, but she knows what she sees are memories. Usually of war, of chaos, fear and shadows and pain. Sometimes glimpses of ordinary life, or as ordinary as the life of a spirit can be. The words she hears are foreign, but she understands them, as she understands the feelings of each memory she experiences. She wishes sometimes that her mother had kept her, that she was around to explain to Nari what it meant.
In this dream that isn’t a dream, things feel... different somehow. There are whispers in the dark, but there is no sense of fear or urgency. Instead there is a... contentedness almost, as content as a rebel spirit can feel. When she looks down, there is a bare body there, and a pale hand smooths across its stomach that Nari realizes is the hand of the one whose memories she sees. Strange. She’s never seen her form before, never seen her with another. And the person beside her is, when she skims her eyes up to her face, human.
“You carry the first of my line now,” the memory says, and beside her the human smiles slightly. Monk robes discarded over a chair nearby, candles burned down the their holders. Both forms female, but speaking of a life carried like that’s possible. The woman beside her yawns into her elbow crook, her eyes closing slightly before blinking heavily open again.
“I’ll pass on your lineage, Nari, that I promise. But for now I must sleep. Stay a while, won’t you?” And the memory moves closer, curling around the human’s form, something that feels like love moving through her. She presses cool lips to the human woman’s neck and the woman sighs and drifts to sleep in her hold.
Nari -- the Nari of now, the Nari experiencing this memory that is most certainly not her own -- feels a deep tug of yearning pull tight in her chest. And she wakes in the wee hours of the morning curled around Sera exactly as the spirit had surrounded the monk, nose pressed into her hair and those same feelings burning in her chest. The memory and the reality of these moments blur together and for a moment Nari tightens her hold, breathing in the familiar scent of her. But reality dawns and she quickly rolls to her back once more, trying hard to slow her racing heart as she stares up at the top of the tent. It isn’t long after that the rest stir, and Nari passes the walk to their destination in silence and repentance, her arms hugged tightly around her own middle.
If you can hear me, she says to the spirit who is part of her, know I’m not grateful for that little stunt. There is no answer -- Nari is fairly sure she cannot directly communicate with this spirit or whatever she is -- but she hopes her point comes across nonetheless.
The words that fall so casually from Garrick’s lips have Nari’s eyes going wide. There’s shock, and it’s followed quickly by anger, then replaced nearly instantaneously with worry as she looks across her group of friends and sees that same surprise painted across Sera’s face. Even as Nari watches, her lips press into a tight, thin line before she excuses herself abruptly and spins away from them all. Nari’s eyes move from the back of her head to the other two members of the party and back again. She wants to give her space, wants to stay and help with this part of things, but she worries that Sera is in pain and that Nari had caused it with her thoughtless question. Yes, she’d been upset with Sera for a number of reasons, but that didn’t change the importance of her friendship to her, and it certainly didn’t change how she felt in the deepest part of her heart.
“You guys have got this,” she says and follows after the druid, her stride long and quick. Sera had moved quickly, but Nari manages to follow easily enough in her wake. She catches her just as she’s sending her messenger rabbit off into the world, the angry words still imprinted in her mind. Who is Shaela? Nari slows her step, lips caught between her teeth as she studies her friend. “Might take a bit for a little rabbit to hop all that way,” she says at last, her voice soft and uncertain, as if questioning whether or not Sera wants her there without actually asking the words.
Nalla smiled and nodded. What we are doing is good. Of that I’m certain. I’m confident that we will be able to achieve our goals. Both personal and in terms of the rebellion. She looked around the campsite, chuckling and rolling her eyes as Nari continued. Getting out of the jungle would probably be easier if we had Pal here to help. Fucking little shit. I can’t believe he ran off. Well actually I can. He’s a chicken shit and always has been. Of all the people for TJ to send to help us, I don’t know why on earth he would send Pal. He knows how useless the man is. I’ll need to send him a letter in the morning to yell at him.
Nari laughed a little and shook her head, a mixture of amused and annoyed by the whole situation with the little man who’d been here and left again without so much as lifting a finger to help them. It’s okay. We’ll make it through without him. We have them, she nodded towards the wood woads, and I can speak to animals well enough to get us to the other side. We don’t need him. Nari stretched out her legs, swiped the back of her wrist across her brow when the sweat dripped down over it. Ugh, she missed the mountains where she trained. As pretty as it was, this jungle was not her favorite location. She toed some sand onto the fire, killed some of it to kill some of the heat. We should rest though. Who knows how much longer we have to go. The wood woads will stand guard.
Nalla thought about Nari’s question for a moment. What did she want to accomplish? She hadn’t planned on joining an adventuring party at all let alone stay with them for so long. But here she was. Her goals prior to joining had been simple. Get jobs to take out the bad men. Slavers, corrupt lawmen, crooked debt collectors. Her handler had supplied her with those jobs and took a portion of the bounty for himself while Nalla kept the rest. And that had been just fine for her. But after joining this group and seeing what she was capable of - what they were all capable of - Nalla wanted to do more. She wanted to free the people of Falschegal from the laws and rulers that kept them down. She wanted to see a world where people like her weren’t seen as less than. And she wanted to be part of making that happen. I want to accomplish exactly what we’re already doing. I want to free the country one city at a time. I want to help make Falschegal a truly better place.
Nalla’s answer was more or less what she’d expected, and what she’d expect from anyone on their group -- albeit said in different tones. That’s what I want too, first and foremost, she replied. It reassured her that she was with the right people and doing the right thing. She was doing what had to be done for the good of all, and wasn’t that what her goals have always been? The rest? I don’t care about it half as much as I do this right here. Righting wrongs, changing our world. It won’t happen overnight and we won’t manage it alone, but we’re making a difference. If we find out more of the rest along the way then that’s wonderful, but... Her eyes circled their campsite, drinking in the sight of their sleeping companions, the wood woads beyond, and all of the green surrounding them. Now that the sun was down, she appreciated the beauty of this place much more, though her skin stung and made it hard to sleep. Right now I want to focus on the short term goals we’ve set ourselves. Getting out of this jungle to start. She offered Nalla a small smile.
What we’re doing might take priority, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t look for more information when we get the chance. We can always be on the lookout for information no matter what we’re doing. Resting her elbows on her knees, Nalla looked into the fire for a few moments. She already hated this place. It was hot and humid and she was not a fan at all. While she liked the idea of taking out the slavers and potentially starting a slave rebellion, she couldn’t wait to get way from this ridiculous heat.
If we get the chance, she agreed, not really holding her breath for it. She wasn’t in a rush in any case. She had plenty of time, and maybe one day she’d learn more about what she was. What her connection was to the spirit she dreamed of, maybe even if she had more psionic abilities she didn’t know about. What about you, Nalla? What sort of things do you want to accomplish while we’re adventuring?
Nalla gave Nari a sharp yet protective look. Hey. You learning more about who and what you are is important. And helping you look for that truth will never be a waste of our time. You are important, Nari. And the things that are important to you are important to me. She helped herself to some water out of her waterskin before shifting her gaze up toward the sky. Somewhere out there the truth about Nari’s race was waiting to be discovered. And she would do whatever it took to help the young woman find that truth.
She was surprised and touched that she seemed to matter so much to the Goliath, whose presence she’d been holding at a distance for a long time now. It made her smile slightly, almost shy, head ducking slightly. I know. I know that, and I appreciate that. But what we’re doing... that has to take priority right now. Maybe, if I’m alive at the end of all this, then I’ll have time to go looking. But not now, not yet.
Kalashtar. I’ve never heard of it. Do you know if it is possible to learn more about it and what you are? Perhaps there is a great library somewhere that you can study. We can help you find that if you’d like. I know I’m speaking for the others, but I feel they would be more than happy to help you in whatever you’d like to do. Nalla continued to play with the small stick in her hands, wondering if it really was possible for Nari to learn more about who she was. She hoped so. Not knowing the truth about your heritage could easily lend itself to a sense of loss and longing. She didn’t want that for her friend. Not for Nari. Not for any of them.
Almost no one has. It’s not in any book I know, not in any stories. Ben only knew because he’s met one before. Only one other, but she’s dead. I would like to learn more, but... I don’t want to waste our time looking. Her shoulders lifted and fell. There are more important things for us to be doing. Nari leaned forward and grabbed some branches, adding them to the fire to keep it warm. They couldn’t let it burn too bright or too high lest they be seen sneaking around, but she wanted to make sure her friends stayed warm. Maybe one day I’ll look more. Ben said he’d help too.
She continued to shake her head sadly as Nari spoke about her parents. They sounded like awful people and Nalla felt anger rise in her as she thought about how they’d treated Nari as a child. And especially at the fact that she thought her parents capable of killing her. I am sorry you had to go through that. But grateful that it wasn’t worse. It seems it’s for the best that they didn’t know you aren’t human. Having people know you for your true self is one of the best gifts there is. May I ask? You said you aren’t human. Do you know what you are?
Nari caught her lip between her teeth, brow creasing as she tried to remember exactly what Ben had told her. Well, not remember exactly, but puzzle it out. She had been thinking on it since he’d told her, and had shared all of the details of it with Sera following that conversation. But she still wasn’t really certain she understood what she was. I didn’t until recently. Ben actually knew, when I explained to him what set me apart from other humans. Something called a... kalashtar? Something to do with being connected to a spirit or being partly spirit or.. something. It’s interesting, but he didn’t know too much about it. I’ve never heard or read of them before myself.
Nalla shook her head and sighed. Instead of being disgusted by your differences they should have celebrated them. I can’t begin to understand what they were like and what you went through. Then again, I can’t imagine buying a child that isn’t yours. But I have to say, I’m glad you got away from them. Even if you’re having to learn how to navigate the world in a completely different way, I’m glad you have the opportunity to do so. And I’m glad that we have met and I hope you consider me to be one of those friends.
Nari’s smile went a bit wry at the comment. They aren’t the type to celebrate differences. You know how Kunt and his supporters are? My father is... not a good man. His life is all about fitting in and being human, raising humans up. My mother is not much different. I think they might have done worse if they’d known I... well, that I wasn’t human. I think they convinced themselves that I was a human granted gifts by the gods after a certain number of years and that’s why they sent me away instead of killing me. Nari had never really said it out loud before -- that she thought them capable of killing her -- and... well, she still hadn’t technically said it out loud, but she’d said it to somebody else, and that was new too. I’m glad they sent me away though. I’m glad we’ve met. And it surprised her that in the time she’d been trying to avoid thinking of Thea and Nalla as friends, she now did so. She smiled. I do, Nalla. Truly. It’s nice, having people who know you for yourself.
Nalla nodded in understanding before frowning. She thought back to what Nari had said a few minutes ago about her parents not giving her a good childhood. She imagined the telepathy did not help matters. I’m sorry. While I can understand not liking something that is different than what you are used to, I have a feeling it was more than just that with your parents. You deserved better than that. You still do. And I know that you will be able to find it.
Like Nalla, she thought of what she’d said, of what they’d been like. It was impossible to explain their fear and distaste, how a child’s simple request for... whatever ti was she’d asked for as a toddler had turned into a lifetime of what she realized now was basically imprisonment. Their reaction was that of extremists. They did not want a child who was Other. I think they saw then that they made a mistake in the child they selected for themselves. They picked someone not wholly human. Nari smiled a little and looked back to Nalla. I know I do. And I think now that I have friends, I’ve got a good start on finding it already.
Nalla listened quietly, inwardly grateful that Nari wouldn’t read her thoughts. She didn’t need anyone knowing what she was thinking or digging around for the secrets she knew. She nodded at the answer before gasping softly as Nari spoke into her mind. She wouldn’t have known any different other except that she was staring right at Nari when it happened and the other woman’s mouth did not move at all. Nalla remembered that Nari said she could speak back so she thought the words and pushed them through to Nari. This is…weird. Fascinating but weird. Have you been able to do this your whole life?
It made her flinch, just a little, to hear Nalla’s gasped surprise. It was never certain how people would react to her speaking into their minds and sometimes they didn’t like it. Sometimes they said nasty things or pushed back with cruelty. Sometimes they were like her parents, horrified and mistrusting. But Nalla seemed to settle into it well enough after a moment, pushing words back to her. It’s a little of both, I suppose, yes. I’ve been able to do it as long as I remember. Since I thought consciously in words. A wry smile twisted her lips. My parents did not like it.
