[karaiia]

i complain about loneliness but the presence of anyone trying to love me exhausts me. this is my form of abuse. i never want what i think i want. and i make everyone suffer it.

[karaiia]

i find home in all the smallest places.

like drinking coffee in the morning. rainy days. seeing my cat after a long day at work. cooking myself a meal. rewatching the same shows over and over til i memorize the next line. in his arms. in my mom’s long hugs. in my sister’s jokes.

home is about comfort. and yet all the walls close up on me each time i find myself standing still for more than two seconds.

i crave home and yet i always leave.

feeling uncomfortable with comfort because i never learned to belong.

“life is too short” and god it still feels so long.

i react to the good things so poorly and blame it on it all ending so abruptly.

why am i always so hungry for more and why do i starve myself even when more comes knocking at my door:

[karaiia]

i can’t explain this kind of love.

i always breathe deeper when he’s suffocating my lungs.

[karaiia]

[karaiia]

la tragedia es que extraño estar enamorá de ti

y me estás dando en bandeja de oro to’ lo que algún día te pedí

pero ya no me siento así

ya no te siento así

[karaiia]

he dado mi cuerpo pero nunca mi alma

tal vez un día la encuentre

donde la tengas encerrada.

mientras tanto déjame besarles,

déjame dejarme tomar. déjame fingir que les puedo amar.

[karaiia]

‘some fix that, we only have ourselves to go on, and its enough…’

your voice was rough and your breath smelled of cigarettes and tequila. i didn’t really know you - and somehow i knew about your dad. i knew about the love of your life.

you saw me. looked into my eyes and got a glimpse of my heart.

and i- i looked into yours and knew you were damaged.

starved.

you ate me and licked me and devoured every inch of my soul that night.

and you saw me.

the broken little girl. the badly taped up shattered pieces. the love and the hatred i carried for my own world.

and you liked it.

and i liked it in you. i liked the darkness.

and in me

and on me- you liked the wounds.

[karaiia]

leaving feels too much like letting you go

really letting you go.

i’m afraid i’ll forget the sound of your voice

and how i feel when you hold me.

i’m afraid to forget about the brown lines in your blue eyes

and i’m afraid that i’ll never feel the same when listening to our favorites songs

cause they won’t have the background noise of your laugh when we sing the lyrics wrong.

i’m afraid that i’ll never get to come back home.

leaving feels too much like letting you go

really letting you go

but god, i really need to let you go.

[karaiia]

i lay here

cigarette on my hand, talking to the ceiling

praying there’s a god listening

praying there’s a god strong enough

to pull the thought of you from my skin

[karaiia]

dije que mataría pa que alguien me rompiera el corazón de nuevo

que desde que te fuiste ya no siento sentir.

pero sigo creando arte a nombre de ti,

extrañarte es poesía en sí.

[karaiia]

my life can’t be about how you’re feeling all the time

[karaiia]

i miss who i was when you were around

[karaiia]

i guess saying he loves me comes naturally

when i cook him dinner and let him touch me

because that’s how i show affection

when he kisses me and i let him talk about his day

when i give him a little direction.

but i bet he doesn’t think about me when that scene of my favorite movie comes up

and he doesn’t know i know the entire script and that i cry to it while i listen because i never felt so connected to love like i do when i hear it.

he doesn’t think about me when he sees my dream car. he doesn’t know the silly reason behind why.

he doesn’t know my favorite color is green even though everything i own is pink or white.

he doesn’t know about the warmth i feel in the morning when i hear the birds.

he doesn’t know about the window i wanted right in front of my sink since i was a kid.

i guess saying he loves me comes naturally

when he listens to me talk about everything

and yet he doesn’t know he doesn’t know me.

not like you did

[karaiia]

i wonder when kindness left me.

and i wonder why.

[karaiia]

cuando estabas conmigo todo tenía sentido.

lo bueno y lo malo, daba todo igual porque te tenía tomado de la mano.

¿qué sentido tiene vivir ahora que te he perdido?

[karaiia]

me regala flores cada que puede

y me dice que quiere todo de mí.

me abre la puerta cuando camina conmigo,

me besa gentilmente y me toca con cariño.

me da náusea lo diferente que es a ti.

[karaiia]

tal vez en otro universo fuimos nosotros. en otro universo tal vez tu mamá te amó, tu hermano sobrevivió y no tienes tanto que sanar. en otro universo te amaste y lo mismo resultó en que me amaras a mí. en otro universo estás cumpliendo tus sueños de pelear y pedirme ser tu esposa al ganar, y en otro universo me construyes esa ventana arriba del fregadero de la que siempre me escuchaste hablar. en otro universo estoy siendo amada por ti y me estás dejando amarte igual y te sientes agradecido en lugar de culpable. en otro universo no me dices que merezco mejor, en otro universo te sientes digno de mi y no me dejas ir... en otro universo no me dejas ir.