Kara Vanderpool Ward

[karavanderpoolward]

The Day I Tweeted About Wanting Care-Giving to End...

It started with one tweet.  One so scandalous I held my breath while typing, and one I literally closed my eyes for when I hit “tweet.”  Within seconds, I had gotten such an overwhelming response from fellow caregivers, that I wondered if it wasn’t time for a brutally honest look at the life of a caregiver.

While there have been many well intentioned articles on the topic of care-giving, they often have an a general sugar coating, that honestly causes a lot of actual caregivers to roll. their eyes.  For example, they always mention that family care-giving causes  financial hardships, and by talk about it, they say just that, it’s a financial hardship, end of subject.  A lot of the articles also paint a picture of morning walks with your loved ones, followed by tea, and time documenting times gone by.  This really couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Don’t get me wrong, those beautiful and profound moments do happen, and I can honestly say I’ve been privileged to experience them, but the day to day physical, emotional and financial realities of care-giving are often masked by what I can only assume is a defense mechanism meant to not conjure up anything negative about subject.  

Which is why the super secret aforementioned tweet is even that more scandalous.  Nobody really says what I said.  Nobody, who is not a caregiver, will really be able to understand the intention behind my comment.  It was not a comment meant to devalue the life of the person in care, rather a comment made to bring attention to the fact that more value should be placed on the life of the caregiver.

So let’s get down to it.  What exactly did I tweet?  Well, just as I did that night, I’m holding my breath as I type it.  During a during a monthly care-giving tweet chat, one of the questions posed was what do you look forward to.  I responded “I look forward to it being over.”

Immediately regretting the decision to make that public, I waited for what felt like an eternity, when in reality it was a mere three seconds before my notifications were blowing up.  I swallowed hard and looked, expecting an onslaught of some understandably upset people.  What I saw was a chain of replies from caregivers which all echoed one of the following:

“OMG - ME TOO”

“Me too and I feel so guilty about it”  

“I often fear I will die before the person in my care”

and finally the one that made me realize the issue warranted so much more than a tweet….

“I thought I was the only one who felt that way”

So why exactly do we feel that way?  Perhaps it’s because the image of care-giving has, before now, been distorted by the “publishable” moments of walks and journaling.  They don’t publish those tweet worthy tell it like its moments.  Like, financial hardships families feel, for example I currently have $26.11 in my checking account.  Despite making what is considered a very good living, which covers my manageable bills, it's the unexpected elder care costs that force me to occasionally drain my bank account.  Here’s the kicker, I’m the lucky one.  I, unlike most caregivers, at least have a positive account and am not yet laden with piles of care-giving debt.  I still have a successful career, mainly because I’ve been a caregiver my entire adult life, so I had no choice but to figure out how to work and succeed on my rules, and my schedule.  Many are thrown into the role at very unexpected times, with already established careers that may not allow for the such an employee.  I am spending the afternoon on an ice pack because I threw my back out trying to quickly catch up on housework at 5am, because the demands of care-giving leave me precious little time, if any, to do so.  Still, I’m lucky, many caregivers often develop debilitating injuries from the physical demands of care-giving, or worse yet, the silent killers of health due to lack of time, money and respite care to actual seek the care of a doctor themselves.  Not convinced yet, I am lucky because despite my inability to be spend near as much time with my husband and kids as I should, I’m still happily married with my family intact.  Many caregivers are not so lucky.  In fact, it pains me so much to even think about it, I didn’t want to look up the divorce rate of caregivers (if it’s even published.) Many caregivers are simply forgot because the demands of the job (one they applied for mind you - rather took on without hesitation) because after constantly turning down social invitations, the invitations just stop coming altogether.  

This is the reality of any caregiver.  As I mentioned, the intention is not to spawn an online pity party.  My greatest wishes are two fold.  First, I hope it lends itself as a soft place to land for another lost caregiver.  Something to let them know they are not alone, and you can’t feel guilty for wishing you weren't in the situation.  After all, there are a lot of things you won’t ever see written or said about what care-giving is about, but you also won’t find anyone who says without doubt they are “so lucky to be a family caregiver.”

Second, although a long shot,  it would be that this post would be highlighted nationally for the sole intention of sparking national conversations about flex time, tax refunds to family caregivers, national caregiver registries, and advocating for putting serious money behind research on alternative care-giving solutions.  

The time has come.  The time to get real about a very real issue, even if it’s one scandalous tweet at a time.

[karavanderpoolward]

The Art of Lying

Every year shortly after Halloween I get the following request: “We need to do my income taxes.”  A rational person might reply by stating it’s impossible to do your income taxes for a calendar year that is not yet over.  But, this is care giving and rational went out the window day one of taking the job, you know the “job” that you never even applied for, but somehow got?

So you are left with only one choice, a bold face lie that goes something like this : “ Yes we do need to do them and I will get online and file them tomorrow.”  Take it one step further and you end up answering emails for 30 minutes , making sure the clicking sound of the keyboard is heard while pretending to be e-filing.      

Again, you may ask, what does this have to do with care giving, and again I will answer, everything!  Its about preservation and sometimes lying is the only way to keep the balance of both your sanity and the mental well being of the one you care for.  

I admit, it sounds awful, but I have experienced this as both an onlooker and a caregiver on the front lines.  If you are caring for an elder it is likely you will hear them say things that are clearly wrong - like filing taxes before all your yearly financial information has even transpired. As a rookie I tried to reason with her, as a veteran I realize it calms her to know it’s handled, and by handled I mean...well…. lying about it.  In the end, she can go on with her day and I can go on with mine with one less hurdle.  

It’s a concept that is hard to digest.  I mean after all you were likely told as a child that lying was wrong, as a caregiver however it’s essential and I want to tell you that’s it ok to do so.   A decade in there are times I scare myself at  how quickly I can come up with those little white lies to appease the one I care for.  I’m not harboring national security secrets here, I may just lie about whether or not I used a coupon, if the laundry is done,  and when I actually file their taxes.   If I told the truth in these moments believe you me, I would add four hours of “work” to an already overloaded care giving schedule.  

So for entry number three in Who Takes Care of the Caregiver, I urge you, no I beg you, to not make the caregivers job harder, simply take their lead.  If the caregiver is lying, be it by  commission or omission, don’t question it and certainly don’t judge,  it’s likely there is a very good reason why!

[karavanderpoolward]

Who Takes Care of the Caregiver: Caregiving Sucks

A couple of years ago, when a friend of mine lost her mother, I opted to send her a card that said "sorry your day sucked" rather than a traditional sympathy card.  

What I received in return was a phone call resulting in one of the most authentic conversations I have ever had.  I admit I was a bit nervous when she opened with "I got your card."  Immediately I thought I had made a mistake of epic proportions.  However, the sigh of relief, the laughter and the admission that her job as care giver over the past year did indeed suck a lot of the time, reaffirmed what I believed to be the truth when I purchased the, uh-hem....less than traditional sympathy card.

So what does this have to do with my mission of creating conversation around "Who Takes Care of the Caregiver?"  Well, everything!  

In essence care giving sucks is the unofficial tagline of the job.  One that is recited only in the silence of one's mind.  When a care giver is asked how they are doing, it's likely you will hear something like "fine, we have good days and bad, but we are managing." Translation? Yep you guessed it, care giving sucks.

Now seems like a great time to pause, as there are likely readers who have a lot to say at this point, no doubt  using words including but not limited to, harsh, cold, heartless, or negative.  To them I say, please keep reading, you might be surprised where this headed.

So ask yourself, do you know a caregiver?  It's likely you do, or if you don't now, you will at some point in your life.  When this happens you will feel generally sympathetic towards their situation and be inclined to say one or both of the following: "Please let me know if there is anything I can do." and/or "Please remember to take care of yourself" to which you will receive the same answer to both: "I will".  P.S. they won't.  

This is not to say that these genuine affections aren't appreciated, because believe me they ARE!  The sad truth,however, is that care givers often end up living each day with their head barely above the water and they simply don't remember your offer.  That is unless you phrase the intent with a slightly more realistic view of the situation.  One that will really slap them across the face, because when you say it.... and I mean really say it......"hey your situation really sucks, how about 20 minutes to vent judge free" they will always remember your act of kindness, even if phrased in what might appear as harsh to an outsider.  

It's just the simple truth, while there is an incredible amount of humanity, love and respect that one can learn and benefit from while care giving, the truth is a lot of the day to day stuff doesn't fit into the verbiage of a well crafted greeting card.  So for entry number 2 in Who Takes Care of the Caregiver I urge you all to engage a little humor, face reality and simply say "sorry your day sucked"   

####

If you are a caregiver, add to the conversation.  What was your suck-iest day and how did you get through it?

[karavanderpoolward]

The Suit, The Hoodie and The Skirt -Time Off According to The Skirt

There are few things in life that truly scare me.  I have no fear of heights, confined spaces or even death.  I DO have a fear of snakes.  In fact on occasion a black or garden snake finds it way into my yard and I run into the house calling animal control reporting that a den of anacondas and pythons is surrounding my deck.  They assure me these are not indigenous to Central Virginia but I never saw a science squad set up in my cul de sac, so that’s still up for debate as far as I’m concerned. Next to that my greatest fear is an irrational one, it is the words or even the thought of TAKING THE DAY OFF WORK.  Which in my mind is equivalent to being dropped into a bottomless pit of poisonous snakes with no way out. I’m not joking, I break out into a sweat, sometimes with minor shakes, and my heart ra ces and breathing becomes restricted (no pun intended to aforementioned anacondas).

I’m not sure why I have this fear.  I know my company won’t tank if I need to take a three hour breather (and yes three hours might as well be the whole day), I know that I’m capable of making up or handling any missed work, and I know that the world won’t crash because there was an onset of marketing emergencies I did not tend to (allegedly). But none-the-less I just have a really hard time taking a day off work.  It wasn’t until an unexpected, but eye opening, morning meeting with another female business owner that I realized it might just be because I happen to be a female that I posses such a fear.  And is it really a fear, an insecurity or the innate nurturing that females possess?

Working in a family brand of businesses I see that my dad,aka The Suit, and brother, aka The Hoodie, make sure they take time off to re-set.  I’m not saying they don’t work, they work harder than just about anyone I know, often pulling well over 60 hours a week, but they occasionally take time, and here’s the kicker, THEY DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR IT!

Being the only female, aka The Skirt, in the family business I often assume the role of supporter, meaning I feel it’s my duty to make sure that everything is taken care off.  It isn’t until after months and months of 7 day work weeks that you sit down in front of your computer and realize you have absolutely nothing left to give.  Not to your family, your employees, your clients, and certainly not for yourself.  So you start to think of the scariest thing possible – taking a day off work.  You know you need to, actually you know you have to because you are no longer efficient and productive.  So despite the hives you see breaking out on your neck, you move your chair away from the desk, and walk out the door.  Your mind races, you feel like you have just committed some major crime and are walking away from responsibility,  then you get in the car, turn on True Colors (or any other anthem accepted by children of the 80’s) and wonder do The Suit and the Hoodie feel this way if they choose to go fly fishing at 2pm on a Friday?

I learn everyday from the Suit and the Hoodie.  They are my greatest mentors and my division of our businesses woudln’t be anything without my ability to have them at my side.  But it’s moments like this, taking time off, that I realize there are truly just inate differences in the way Skirt’s work. Some serious and some funny, all of them give me perspective – good and bad.

  I’m not sure it’s going to get any easier, but I’m learning to realize that I might just need a day off every now and then and I shouldn’t apologize for it, despite the paralyzing fear it brings with it.  So today I walked out the door at 1:30, and I’m not working, I’m headed outside for a walk (presumably into a den of snakes) and will come back tomorrow ready to tackle the things that I (nor the Suit or the Hoodie) are afraid of – hard work.

[karavanderpoolward]

Who Takes Care of the Caregiver?

It's not news that it has been a rather long and treacherous winter for most in the United States, leaving most people in what I like to call "survival" mode.  You know, that kind of numb feeling that leaves you struggling to just get through each day.  You have your little meltdowns, but for the most part you march ahead just trying your best because you know Spring is just around the corner.  But what if Spring wasn't around the corner, and you were perpetually stuck in that numb feeling of survival?  And what if it was just you that wasn't getting Spring, and everyone else around you was going on with their life frolicking in the sunshine and the promise of rebirth that the season offers?  How would you cope?  Well my friends, that's exactly the situation that a lot of caregivers find themselves in.  

As the baby boomer generation begins to age we are seeing an incredible amount of information on  preparing for the physical, emotional and financial challenges that aging can bring.  This information is incredibly valuable and it has become one of my personal goals to help spread the word.  However, I have found that there is one pertinent piece of information missing.  Why is it that nobody is addressing the fact that caregivers also experience physical, emotional and financial hardships as well, which leads me to the question, who takes care of the caregiver?  

It's hard enough to open the conversation with aging parents and grandparents about care giving, but even harder to to open the conversation on who will take care of the caregiver.  For the aging population there is at least some formula to follow - how much money one may need, multiple types of short and long term care insurance policies, medical directives and other legal documents to obtain.  For the caregiver there is no formula, and often no planning. Many are thrust into the role with little to no warning and certainly no plan.

So let's start this vital conversation!  It's an overwhelming topic, so let's start small, here are three things you can do now, to care for the caregiver.  I invite you all to contribute to the conversation with your tips and insight so we can spread the word and bring awareness to an often forgotten population.

How to Take Care of a Caregiver?

1.  Recognize that a caregiver may not ask for help, and this doesn't mean they don't need it or want it!  When you are in "survival" mode you just need someone to pitch in and help, there is no time to ask and no time explain. Offering an hour of your time to simply do a load of laundry, cook a meal, allow the caregiver some time off, or simply lend a ear can mean a lot to someone who is often isolated.

2.  Designate a business manager.  The day to day demands of care giving are tough enough, and when the day is finally over (and I might add here that nights can be just as rough), the last thing they need is to sit down and worry about sorting through  medical bills, general bills, and other business items.  If you are lucky enough to have family willing to pitch in but can't due to distance, this is a great role they may be able to take on.

3.   Help them line up their own legal documents. It's essential that the caregiver have the necessary documents, such as power of attorney, etc., for themselves as well.  You never know when you will need something, but your role as caregiver simply won't allow you to be physically present to do something as simple as go to the bank.

4.  Lastly, most simply, and probably most importantly, be aware of how much time has gone by.  If you haven't heard from someone in your life in this role, a simple email, note or even tweet can brighten a day.

The list doesn't' end here, but it's a start, and care giving is a marathon. I urge you all to think about a caregiver in your life and pick one of the above, it will give them that little taste of spring they might really need.

[karavanderpoolward]

When the Bend and Snap is More like a Bounce and Punch.

While I pride myself on my ability to bend and snap as described in my award winning Hot Mommas® Project  case study, there are days where I think, who the heck is that annoying person?  I mean really who can bend and snap whenever they need to?  Well I guess that's a crucial part of the lesson, sometimes it's just a little disguised. and recognizing that, is, in and of itself part of the ability to "bend and snap."  Today was that day. 

I have been through incredibly difficult moments in my life, even having to make an actual life or death decision.  Today wasn't one of those days, but it did happen to be a day where  a series of small things piled up making it essential to remain on target all day to get even a part of it done - and there was NO room for bend and snap scenarios.  HA!  Just thinking that apparently sent a series of karma induced incidents into high gear.  I stated I need no traffic back ups (wishful thinking at the start of a holiday weekend in suburban D.C.), no sooner did I pull out of my neighborhood and boom, there it was - a back up, making it slightly worse was seeing the gas light come on.  No problem, I thought, I just go into GPS lady mode - recalculating...recalculating - yep if I dropped the kids at school a bit early I could still get gas, and make it to the office just in time to finish a proposal due in 90 minutes.  This proposal had to rock  because I had 60 minutes to sell it so I could be out of there for a photo shoot - which required me to remain stain free and ironed from 6:30am on.  Thinking, no problem, I still got this, I make it to office, finish the proposal and get it printed.  Victory is mine!   That's when I  rolled over my jacket with my desk chair where earlier I had carefully placed it so as to avoid aforementioned wardrobe malfunctions.  As I pick my now dirty and wrinkled jacket off the floor I see a post-it reminding me that today was also a half day at my kids school.  SHIT, yeah I said it then and I said it here, I dare you to think you would have said something different.  Ok, I have 30 minutes to get kids and get back to the office looking like the consummate professional ready for my next duty. 

Many hours later, I'm home, exhausted but generally unscathed (which is really the best case scenario for a day like this) I decide to check email to see what I was certain was a series of where are you emails (fortunately none- SCORE - I actually showed up everywhere I was supposed to!)  But, what I saw was far more intriguing.  A series of emails from The Suits (aka my father and my husband) and The Hoodie (aka my brother).  Again nothing that was life or death.  Just a series of emails scattered throughout the day on action items, questions or review requests on various projects.  WAIT I think to myself, did they go to work this morning and get to actually do/focus on work all day long?  

This is not the first time I have had this realization, It is just one that never ceases to amaze me.  What is that like?  I'm not saying they don't have their  days where everything goes wrong or where they find themselves overbooked, I know that they do. It's just seems that it happens a far more often to me, The Skirt.  I think it's a scenario that most working mom's encounter, we are the first line of defense.  Learning and accepting this is what I believe gives us the very ability to bend and snap.  Ironically it is days like this that I generally produce my best work! Another trait that I believe is common among many working moms.  Given a highly packed schedule we are highly productive.  Given time we produce a few self proclaimed witty tweets, and ten minutes of work each on 8 different projects. Probably because we are so used to having to switch gears so quickly on any given moment that we don't know how to do it any other way (Side note, is there a form of A.D.D. that is specifically designated to moms?   I think Adult A.D.D. is too generally - I think I'm onto something, somebody take a note!)  

So while I reflect on my day with a little envy that The Suits and The Hoodie got to actually go, remain, and complete work today I have to stop and laugh.  I still accomplished a lot, I just didn't get any of it done in the way I thought it would get done - so I guess in essence I actually did bend and snap - it just presented more like a bounce and a punch.

#####

The Suit, The Hoodie and The Skirt as mentioned in this blog are my names for my dad (The Suit), my brother (The Hoodie) and me (The Skirt).  It is the title I use for my running commentary on being the only female in the group of family owned businesses.

[karavanderpoolward]

The Suit, The Hoodie and The Skirt - an odd mix making work.

To any bystander at BWI airport the morning of April 10, it might have seemed like an odd mix of traveling companions - a 60 something attorney -dressed the part, a 30 something self proclaimed (and Google proclaimed) tech geek - dressed the part, and 40 something business women - dressed the part.

But to me, it was a typical day in the life of being one part of a family of habitual entrepreneurs.  Yes, the Suit (my dad), the Hoodie (my brother), and Me (the skirt), own 7 companies strong between us, and while we each run firms in vastly different fields, we found a way to make them work ….together. 

Now, most would say that this sounds like the worst possible idea, never work with family and friends.  Well we tried that, we all went and did our separate thing, but eventually found that our paths kept coming back to the people we trusted most.   It’s not to say that we don’t have moments, we do, its’ not to say there aren’t challenges, there are, it’s not to say that the conversations around a board room table are also the conversations around the dinning room table, because they are.  But these would be the same scenarios we would encounter even if we were still working more independently, because at the end of the day we are all habitual entrepreneurs, and if you have been diagnosed with that illness, you know that these are generally the side effects you can expect.  

The reason we were walking through BWI Airport that morning, was because we were all taking a family vacation……to Inc. Magazines Growco Conference in New Orleans.  Because that’s what sounds like a perfect family vacation for a group like us.  As we continue to evolve our companies we will also continue to evolve the way our family works together, because I an imagine that it isn’t too often you see the Suit, the Hoodie, and The Skirt build a family brand of companies together.  The results of the tales and lessons learned I will share will surely be entertaining at times, for example “I love you, I hate you, you’re the best, you suck, your hired, your fired, don’t care - I quite….oh wait I have an idea, let’s get to work”, but that’s for another day.

[karavanderpoolward]

The Suit, The Hoodie and The Skirt - Ain't Nobody Got Time for That!

There are few things in life that truly scare me.  I have no fear of heights, confined spaces or even death.  I DO have a fear of snakes.  In fact on occasion a black or garden snake finds it way into my yard and I run into the house calling animal control reporting that a den of anacondas and pythons is surrounding my deck.  They assure me these are not indigenous to Central Virginia but I never saw a science squad set up in my cul de sac, so that’s still up for debate as far as I’m concerned.  Next to that my greatest fear is an irrational one, it is the words or even the thought of TAKING THE DAY OFF WORK.  Which in my mind is equivalent to being dropped into a bottomless pit of poisonous snakes with no way out. I’m not joking, I break out into a sweat, sometimes with minor shakes, and my heart races and breathing becomes restricted (no pun intended to aforementioned anacondas). 

I’m not sure why I have this fear.  I know my company won’t tank if I need to take a three hour breather (and yes three hours might as well be the whole day), I know that I’m capable of making up or handling any missed work, and I know that the world won’t crash because there was an onset of marketing emergencies I did not tend to (allegedly). But none-the-less I just have a really hard time taking a day off work.  It wasn’t until an unexpected, but eye opening, morning meeting with another female business owner that I realized it might just be because I happen to be a female that I posses such a fear.  And is it really a fear, an insecurity or the innate nurturing that females possess?

Working in a family brand of businesses I see that my dad,aka The Suit, and brother, aka The Hoodie, make sure they take time off to re-set.  I’m not saying they don’t work, they work harder than just about anyone I know, often pulling well over 60 hours a week, but they occasionally take time, and here’s the kicker, THEY DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR IT!

Being the only female, aka The Skirt, in the family business I often assume the role of supporter, meaning I feel it’s my duty to make sure that everything is taken care off.  It isn’t until after months and months of 7 day work weeks that you sit down in front of your computer and realize you have absolutely nothing left to give.  Not to your family, your employees, your clients, and certainly not for yourself.  So you start to think of the scariest thing possible - taking a day off work.  You know you need to, actually you know you have to because you are no longer efficient and productive.  So despite the hives you see breaking out on your neck, you move your chair away from the desk, and walk out the door.  Your mind races, you feel like you have just committed some major crime and are walking away from responsibility,  then you get in the car, turn on True Colors (or any other anthem accepted by children of the 80’s) and wonder do The Suit and the Hoodie feel this way if they choose to go fly fishing at 2pm on a Friday?  

I’m not sure it’s going to get any easier, but I’m learning to realize that I might just need a day off every now and then and I shouldn’t apologize for it, despite the paralyzing fear it brings with it.  So today I walked out the door at 1:30, and I’m not working (I’m writing a blog, it’s different…kind of).  And when I’m done I’m headed outside for a walk (presumably into a den of snakes) and Monday I will be back ready to tackle the things I’m not afraid off - hard work.

#aintnobodygottimeforthat