this is, by far, one of the most important songs in my life. not just because it took me a long time to write this song, but because this is the most honest song I have ever written.
this song’s based in my love life. a very struggled love life, by the way. now, at the time, I kind of laugh about it a little bit, but when you’re a teenager it seems like everything is three times harder than it looks like, and if we’re realistic, sometimes it is.
this song’s actually for everyone that has ever fallen in love with the wrong person. there’s no genders in this song because I know a lot of people can relate.
but the story I’m telling you through this song, is about how a sixteen year old girl trips over herself. a sixteen year old kid that was raised by a cis-hetero couple and educated in two schools that put religion over everything. a sixteen year old that gets fucking scared when she finds out she’s actually in love with another girl.
you can see the fear in “the right thing for the rest”, and you can feel the pain in “I’m pumping blood wherever my veins have never been”.
this song took me two years and a half to complete. the first version was called “another brilliant idea” and I wrote it when I was eighteen years old, when I was actually able to talk about the things I felt. it was word vomiting, seriously. when you’re a teen and you’re afraid, you hide everything under the carpet, and you can’t actually admit what’s there, so, when you’re finally ready and you’re finally free, everything is too much and you just pull out whatever’s on your mind.
so the first version was a little full. it had too much and it was immature, the music and the lyrics weren’t even. it was nice. but it wasn’t enough.
and two years and a half later, I found myself in a similar narrative. I fell in love once again and it just wasn’t a problem with me tripping with my old self. it was us, tripping with ourselves and it was her that could just not see it. so I got tired of the situation and I got tired of feeling always the same. feeling like you’re just not enough. and that’s where it came the solution; sitting in front of the piano with my hands and my heart sending flames over it, I turned out to realise that “another brilliant idea” was self-deprecating and that song’s actually not what I needed. I wrote another song, it was called “let you go”, but something was missing and it was a little empty.
and when I thought about that old song, that pain in the ass, everything clicked. the rhythm, the music, the lyrics.
so why’s the song called I wish?
because everything I say across the lyrics is just a poem where I just not get straight to the point. what I’m trying to say through every composed phrase is: “I just wish I never fell for you. I just wish you were easier to forget. I just wish we never met. I wish I didn’t have to let you go.”
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