the insane ramblings of a madwoman

vent account where I shout all my insecurities and half baked rants into the void

[gravitybrawls]

sorry for not posting I'm sad and everything just got really bad. will someone please ask me something about stanley pines or perhaps bill I need this

[an-artistic-failure]

Kris… ur life sucks Kris….

[karmarmk]

fuck it all it doesn't matter, we fucking ball and do it how we like

[karmarmk]

lesson learned, repressing emotions through drugs and alcohol is NOT the right answer because that shit hits DOUBLE the day after

[karmarmk]

I want to be admired so badly it hurts but everytime I achieve that I just feel like a horrible piece of shit that is somehow deceiving everyone and is waiting for them to find out that I'm actually a big disappointment.

[thecrumbez]

Happy Pride Month to those two women dancing together in the foreground of the boat scene in Godzilla (1954).

I’m sorry your romantic foibles were overshadowed by a big ass atomic lizard thing.

[erratic-dragon-fruit]

out of the tags with you

[karmarmk]

sometimes I wish I could just shut the fuck up

[karmarmk]

You know what's crazy? I'm experiencing about the same amounts of depressive episodes per month, but I am recovering and bouncing back faster from them. Maybe simply not thinking about any of it and not dwelling on the feeling really is the answer aaaaaalll along! Just gotta keep myself a little bit distracted and just not think about it so the thoughts don't fester :>

[karmarmk]

Saw this tweet today and it really clicked something for me.

Lately I've been kinda learning that I really, really do not like a lot of people on this God forsaken planet. However, I do really, really love small groups of a people! I think what I loved about fandom in the past was that it was all contained and the outside world wouldn't so easily get to observe what we did, and that made it comfortable. Just you and the other freaks who like the same things as you. Maybe it's why I like using Tumblr, because a smaller amount of people will see it... and also because your followers can actually see your posts unlike on Twitter now where somehow your followers can just NEVER see your posts because the algorithm fucking HATES YOU. HATES YOU SO MUCH. AND I HATE IT. I'm going to kill you, elon.

[karmarmk]

digital circus tonite yupeepepe

[karmarmk]

It's sooo fucking funny to me that the only things I really need to do to get creepy men to stop hitting on me is to wear a sports bra, wear less shape fitting clothes, and put on a fucking hat. Suddenly, like magic, my pronouns are he/him and I get called "buddy" "sir" and treated much more distantly.

I find it wild how differently men and women are treated, especially by older guys. I have felt both experiences and it's like living two different lives.

[karmarmk]

oh, oohh the feeling you get when someone compliments your art style... aaahh THANK YOU RANDOM INTERNET STRANGER (though you'll never in a million years see this)

[karmarmk]

I want to drink until every one of my braincells are gone. no more thinking, thank you

[karmarmk]

I NEED TO BASH MY FUCKING SKULL IN

[karmarmk]

if I socially fuck up ONE MORE GOD DAMN TIME I WILL BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT I CANT LIVE WITH ALL THIS SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT

[karmarmk]

Facing the sudden realization that my entire self is an act.

At work with customers? Acting. With coworkers? Also acting. With friends? Still acting but it's different. With family? You betcha, it's acting. With myself even when I'm alone? Even then, I am acting.

Always feel I have to put on a performance for an audience. Even when I am alone, I feel watched. My whole self worth is tied to being entertaining.

[karmarmk]

genuinely might have been my wakeup call that I'm autistic and this is all just very deep rooted masking

[karmarmk]

I see too much of myself in this person. God, am I really that annoying? Do I really talk so many words about empty, useless, boring topics all the time? Do I talk over other people and block them out and just talk and talk and talk and talk? Why the fuck to people bother listening to me talk? I feel so drained by this person already. This is why I always keep quiet.