To You, From Me @kashiko-watashi - Tumblr Blog

Day 476: 10 January '17

To You, HAPPYYYYYY BIRTHDAYYYY! *cues Swift's 22* Dang, u old! :P hehe keedz! Hope you have a fantabulous day, with lots of your burthdei kekki :3 Okay, peace out! Enjoy your special day! ✌😄 From Me

Day 474: 8 January ‘17

To You,

It’s 2017, new year and in 2, no a day and something hours, you’ll be 22 (cue Taytay’s 22). Time flies but before I continue, hey.

In the wee hours of today, I woke up remembering that I dozed off the day before. Still a bit groggy, I tried to untangle my phone’s cord from my doona. When I finally found my phone and finished checking the time, I found myself typing your tumblr url and I saw it. You got in. A big part of me is really happy, happy that you finally, FINALLY, achieved something you’ve dreamt of for a long time. Maybe you haven’t reached the end yet and the journey you have to take may not get easier but you have passed the big hurdle in your way to that dream. So with that said, CONGRATULATIONS! I wish I was the first one to be able to say this to you but still, well done! Really, well done!

It’s funny because the thing that I worried about before we started going out happens after. I just find it laughable how I acted back then because I was worried when it hasn’t even happened yet. But here it is, 4 years later. I’m glad. After knowing you, your goals and ambitions in life, how I saw you and viewed you changed. My perspective of you, which was often misjudged by most people around me that time, differed. I looked up to that person and I still believe you have those exact same traits I admired. You may not be the same as the person in my memories but that drive is still there. I wish I have that too but wishing something like that comes with hardwork which you have poured over the course of several years. You used to always tell me that there are a lot of better people than you, when it comes to this dream but the reason why I always thought you’re deserving of it too is because I don’t know them, I don’t know their struggles, I don’t know how much work they have done, in short I don’t know them personally. But you, you were the person I like, love and spent most of my 4 years with, in my 21 years of existence. I have known you intimately, learnt about some of your worries and weaknesses and became jealous of what came along with pursuing that dream. I know, I know, I still don’t understand the weight of it all, how difficult it was, how fun it was and how painful it was for you to attain this and there are so many more others out there who can but believe me when I say that not once, even after us, did I doubt you would eventually get in. The struggle, I am clueless. Maybe to you, it’s empty encouragement, but like me, a lot of people believed in you, especially your mom (I feel like).

Since I’m spilling everything anyway, might as well tell you this too, share you my other selfish thought. Apart from the happiness I felt for you, it also left some bittersweet taste in my mouth. “I can finally stop. I can finally move on.” - were the things that came across my mind. A year has passed yet I still have your Christmas painting 2014 and turtles on my shelf, that green plastic orchard and drawing of us on my wall and stuffed toys from across all 4 years. “Why not discard the things that reminds me of the past?”, why? I asked myself that too. But I know why, I’m just in denial. Still stuck in my memories. Yes, I can function well, better than how I was a year ago but when I’m when by myself, lost in my own thoughts, it gets hard again. At times when I had thoughts of begging you, maybe it’s pride too but I can’t. Having more than 3 days or even a week to reflect on my actions towards you, I really can’t bring myself to keep doing that breaking off and coming back again. It’s putting too much strain on you and own relationship. Yes, if only, if only I can control my temper and not jump in decisions and lessen my mood swings then maybe that could’ve helped but I can’t. A year later and I’m finally admitting why I can’t and that is because of guilt. Guilt of having to lie to my parents. Although I thought I loved you more than them because I really did think so, blood truly is thicker. At first I didn’t understand as well why I was so easy on giving up but I figured out later that I can’t keep hiding it forever. I wanted to tell them but I knew that telling them means not being able to be with you and for 3 years, I chose you because you are my first REAL love. I thought that it was going to get easier, I just had to endure it throughout my uni life then afterwards I can leave my parents’ house and do what I want with my life but I can’t, because of another great reason that you might not understand, my faith. Being a Christian, to me, is not just attending church, doing good works and believing in God, it runs deeper than that. Having to turn my back away from it added with the guilt. In those days prior our last day, I was thinking about these things. I’m sorry that you got caught in the middle of my indecisiveness in the things in my life. I know, I wasn’t a great example of being a Christian, the way I acted so many times are contradictory to the Christian of the Bible and I’m sorry. To be honest, I still struggle with it now because why can’t I be with the person I love and do things with the person I love but to be a Christian, there are certain things I can’t and can do when I enter a relationship and one of the important things is that I shouldn’t enter an unequally yoked relationship, which means I can’t be with a person who does not believe and accept that Christ is the Saviour. Before I entered our relationship, I was already broken. I have turned my back from it because how can there be sufferings if there is a God. Afterwards, I met you. I believe that although you are not with me anymore, you were still God’s gift of intervention during my lowest of lows. When you came to my life, I slowly stopped using physical pain to ease or numb the emotional pain. However, I still wasn’t there. I still didn’t like how I can’t date someone just because we don’t have the same beliefs, so I was truly willing to throw it away, But as I stay away from it, the more I learn of what being a Christian means and the more guilt I felt but I was hard-headed and I didn’t want to give up. It happened eventually and I tried to condition myself that what I felt is not love anymore but rather just care because I can’t face the truth that I had to choose.

You may not understand and to you, maybe these are all just rambles. I wish I was able to explain more when we were together, when you asked me how church was. Not even trying to convert you or anything but just explaining. Although there were times I did wish but I never acted upon it because that’s one things I promised myself not to do, to not convert you. Being a Christian is not done through pushing someone into it because they’ll end up turning against it, a bit like what happened with me. Being a Christian is a choice. I wish I was able to tell you the whole truth a year ago but you might not understand, maybe you still won’t understand but I want you to know. Love? That never died. You told me that you felt like how I treated you changed, that it became shallow after a year and that is because guilt kicked in and I’m not blaming. I just wished it wasn’t you who I directed it at because how were you to know that it was what I felt when I never told you. So going back to find that out, it was bittersweet because I now know that we won’t be living in the same suburb, no worrying of whether I might bump into you or not (but tbh, a part of me gets excited when I do, haha?). You, to me, will become a far-fetched dream, once just centimetres away. Do I regret my decision, of choosing my faith and my parents over you? Honestly, there are days when I wish I didn’t do it and just abandon it all but when I think about it carefully, I can’t. My parents, although I’ve held grudges as I was growing up, are still very dear to me, which no amount of worldly relationship can compete with. My relationship with them has not been smooth sailing but as I grow older the more I realise how much they’ve done for me. Likewise, my faith I cannot give up too because who am I as a person when I have no God. Crazy, it seems, to hold onto something that cannot be seen but that’s faith. I may not be the cover magazine of a Christian living or lifestyle because I still have my ups and downs with it but this is a part of me now. And I pray that one day, you will understand why I feel this way. Understand why I had to let go of us. Because I was finally able to say it, this will be my final sorry to you. Although I want to be able to say this to you in person before you leave and before I leave too, this might have to suffice. I might be able to handle another unanswered text message if I ask if we can talk so here it is. This is long and I really wish you can read these random “letters” I post. I also hope to get a reply but I deserve it. This really is the final apology, I am sorry if my tone back then when I talked about Christianity to you felt like I was attacking. It was never my intention to shove it in your throat of anything like that but I guess frustration of not being able to communicate it well to you seeped out as I was explaining. Again, CONGRATULATIONS! :D You really and truly deserve it as you have invested and done all the hardwork to be able to reach this far. P.S. (Promise, last one) Sorry for having it turn a bit heavy towards the end. It was my intention to just congratulate you but halfway, I guess I felt like you had to know. I wish I was able to explain it enough. I know it might not be easy to understand what happened or what’s happening during my thought process as I was typing this but I had to say it eventually.

P.P.S. Enjoy this new chapter of your life tandoori chicken, flower buddy, senpai, maid of honour... b*bs. 사랑해. Cheers to you, future M.D. *like* (get it? because it gives you a thumbs up in messenger.. no? o k a y T_T. HAHA)

From Me