(pic by Melodee Solomon.)
A SMATTERING / AND ALSO A BIT ON PERMISSION
I have been taking a little brain break from this space, AND, I was just watching a video by the brilliant the super magical Angel Phoenix, and it juiced me up so much, I had to pop on here to say a few things.
This is basically just a smorgasbord of some of the things currently between my ears:
1. WHATEVER FEELS RIGHT TO YOU, LEAN INTO THAT. There are people, ideas, stories & paradigms that have coding that resonates with the home vibration of your soul. You’ll know it by the way engaging with them makes you feel more relaxed (that deep parasympathetic sigh of the nervous system dropping, for example), more spacious, possibly more turned on but from a spacious & delighted & inspired space, and more excited about YOU and YOUR LIFE and whatever YOUR MEDICINE is for this life. GO THERE. Fuck everything else. I truly mean it. FUCK IT ALL except that which is in tune & resonance with your heart & soul. Follow what feels right. Your body knows. Listen & allow!!!! Doesn’t have to resonate for ANYONE ELSE but if it does for you, THAT IS MEDICINE TO TRUST!!!!!!
2. In service to that very thing—i.e. TEND TO YOUR OWN SOUL, HEART & NERVOUS SYSTEM & MAGICAL BODY--these are some things I’ve been up to and not up to lately:
1. Staying (mostly) off social media: I deleted IG from my phone ten days ago. I realized it has an addictive hold on me, and I don’t feel good when I engage with it for more than about 5 minutes per day. It took less than 48 hours for me to start to feel inner peace and joy again. (I only popped back in here because this transmission feels exciting & important, and I’m going to re-delete when I’m finished posting!). Some people can engage with social & be fine, just like some people can engage with alcohol and be fine. Others of us cannot. It’s all good. The point is to know our own energy and honor & tend to it in ways that deeply nourish us individually. There is no ONE way—only the way that feels right deep in our bones.
2. Sleeping a lot. I was already a 9-10h/night lady, and these days I take lots of naps, too.
3. Working out EVERY SINGLE DAY, first thing in the morning. You’ve probably noticed me talking about my workouts. They are my favorite thing aside from music & my husband & planet Earth, and they keep me sane and grounded and joyful. I just show up and do what my trainer (on the screen) tells me, and I get stronger & fitter every fucking day. OMG I could talk about this whole thing for hours. Nothing juices me the way working out does, and can I just say—BEING & FEELING STRONG AF has changed EVERYTHING about my life over the past ten months. I am fucking HERE these days. Like—hello, planet Earth, I am HERE and I am not trying to be anywhere else, and I FUCKING LOVE IT HERE.
4. Limiting consumption of covid info, politics, news, etc. – I mean, I already didn’t read the news, but when this whole thing hit, I was gobbling it up for hours a day and F R E A K I N G out a LOT. I realized that doesn’t work for me, because honestly, a freaked out, paralyzed, terror-ridden Kathleen is no good to anyone. New rule: no consuming for Kathleen. Shawn gives any updates. This rule has really been working for me. I slacked for a couple of weeks and then realized I was starting to feel unwell, and that’s when I deleted IG from my phone ten days ago, and VOILA: FEELING A BAZILLION TIMES BETTER.
5. MASSIVE PERMISSION: I have a vision in my heart about who I know I could be and how massively I feel I can and want to serve people & the world, and for the first few weeks of this whole quarantine/COVID situation, I was ON FUCKING FIRE with it in a new way.
Excited. Scared. Married to the vision of what feels important to me. Making stuff. Sharing a little more, etc.
And then, suddenly, after about three weeks of that, I just felt EXHAUSTED BEYOND BELIEF.
Suddenly, all I wanted was to not care one whit about the world, or my mission, or anything beyond my tiny, cozy life, and just read books and paint my nails.
You know—immediate vicinity shit. Back into the CAVE.
So, boom—PERMISSION TO FEEL THAT WAY & PERMISSION TO CAVE IN & PERMISSION TO COZIFY & LIVE MY TINY LITTLE LIFE. I let go of caring about my mission, fell off the face of social and went inward.
I read Mists of Avalon (OMFG WHAT A MAGICAL FUCKING BOOK).
I just fucking was quiet and cozy and stopped giving a flying fuck about anything other than enjoying the simple life right in front of my eyes.
I’m still in that space, and can I just tell you—WHAT A FUCKING RELIEF.
I can’t even tell you the agida (is that how you spell it?!) and angst and despair and G R A S P I N G that I have experienced for my entire life around MY MISSION and MY VISION and MY MUSIC and MY DESIRE TO SERVE ON A MASSSSSSSIVE LEVEL and MY COMPULSION TO BE SEEN (coupled with somatic terror for my literal safety, which led to a MASSIVE stalemate inside of me because the brain says “I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY & I MUST BE SEEN!!!” and the subconscious says “I MUST NOT EVER BEEN SEEN TOO WIDELY BECAUSE THAT WILL GET ME KILLED & EXILED, AND I MUST REMAIN SAFE AT ANY AND ALL COSTS.”)
What a tangled, dramatic mess it has always been, and just fucking STRESSFUL as all get out.
And now, there is a new peace.
I don’t know whether it’s quarantine, or the prayer practice I’m in right now, or getting older, or the masks that are dropping like flies for all of humanity right now, or what, but suddenly, it feels like layers of my personality that have been all tied up in my mission & my purpose & my grand and grandiose desires to serve on a global and cosmic level (& all of the agitation that comes with it because of the equally loud & powerful parts inside of me who must stay safe at all costs) have just been dropping away.
Like the way a cicada suddenly drops its exoskeleton and emerges brand new.
Like the way a seed planted in the dark, moist Earth splits open, and a new form emerges.
But not NEW ME as much as just…Kathleen, deconditioned to a deeper degree than ever.
Kathleen who suddenly realized that she doesn’t actually have to DO anything AT ALL to be enough—I already AM enough, and actually, enoughness is not even on the table.
Here I am, a human on the Earth, having an experience, and haha—joke’s on me, because THAT HAS BEEN THE WHOLE POINT, THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!
The whole situation, the entire enchilada, the big fucking secret hiding out in plain sight.
Consciousness & the Universe experiencing Itself through the body/personality/soul matrix of the one we call Kathleen, who has never existed in this particularity before and never will, and
The mirror consciousness uses to say
“Oh hey, here I am again, in THIS form, in THIS form, in THIS form!”
HOW GLORIOUS!!!!!!
The Universe narrowed herself from her infinitude IN ORDER TO EXPERIENCE Herself as ME, and THAT IS ALL!
The Great Whatever experiencing this whole thing & play of life as a human on Earth.
AND ALSO: WHAT A REVELATION AND A RELIEF!!!!!
I don’t have to free anyone, or serve anyone, or fucking achieve some grand mission, or be productive to earn love (or safety or security) because it’s what I’ve been conditioned to believe.
I live on a fucking planet that has fish & plants that glow, light shows that happen in the sky (Northern lights), unicorns who swim in the fucking ocean (hello narwhales), trees that give me oxygen and dirt that gives me food.
I can just L I V E, however feels right or not right to me, and it’s all good.
ARE YOU FOLLOWING?!?
I mean, what a revelation.
Nothing to do, no one to be, nowhere to go.
Have I ever lived that way?
Definitely fucking no.
Does it feel amazing to do so now?
Definitely fucking yes.
Okay, I hope that made some sense to you.
These things—these deep Mysteries—always are like trying to carry the actual SUN in the bed of a Ford F350.
And yet, the words & the transmission can hopefully be felt.
And then what?
Then the rest is
(pic by Melodee Solomon.)
I’m going back into my cave.
(I made gluten-free sourdough starter this past ten days, so I’m making bread tonight!!!)
(amazing photo by me. HA!)
I may or may not emerge at some point, but regardless, please remember: I LOVE YOU. LIFE LOVES YOU. YOU ARE DOING THIS PERFECTLY. HEED YOUR INNER URGINGS. FOLLOW WHAT FEELS RIGHT. PRAY TO SOMETHING (I pray to the Divine Mother) IF THAT FEELS GOOD. AND: NO MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD, YOU CAN BE SOVEREIGN IN YOUR OWN HEART & MIND, and THAT is something that never needs to change.
If you’re having a TIME or need a pep talk or WHATEVER, REACH THE FUCK OUT TO ME. If you do it here, not sure when I’ll see it, so better to text or email me, but I AM HERE 4 U, and we all belong to each other, so let’s fucking keep loving & living & daydreaming together.
If we could see each other in person, I’d give you some sourdough bread or some of the apple muffins I made this morning or some of the sourdough starter I made (I HAVE EXTRA, ACTUALLY, SO IF YOU ARE IN SANTA FE AND WANT SOME, TRULY, PLEASE, HMU.)
Okay okay, volcano transmission over for now.
origamiaround
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germansingergirl
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