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@kathmats-blog
Jake: I do. I know how big of a deal this is so I don't take it lightly.
Jake: You worry far too much. When we were at my cabin, you were bold and sexy. You just are naturally so don't overthink it. I'm going to show my appreciation for you /several/ times, just so you know.
Kates: Oh? That's a pretty significant promise, several times. I'll be disappointed if you don't keep your word on it.
Jake: I won't let you down and no matter what, I'll be open and honest no matter what. You are and you always will be. I care so much about you, it's crazy. I'll keep you posted.
Jake: Then what's stopping you? No, no. By all means, tell me these things. Maybe now I'll be sure to let them linger a bit longer. I'd like that. A lot. Maybe you can come over sometime this week?
Kates: I know you will. I trust you completely. I almost never say that so you know it's sincere.
Kates: Ugh! I'm worried I won't sound sexy saying these things or even letting myself act on them. Yes please. Let's do that.
Jake: The only other guy to flirt with me was a really hot sales guy at a store in the mall and I was way too chicken to do anything about. But...I mean, I've already made out with Eli so it should be a safe bet. I can't believe my girlfriend is encouraging to go after a guy, ha. This is wild. Okay, since I have your blessing, I think I'll give it a shot, seriously.
Jake: I've been keeping myself in check. After Clare, it's easier to get into that mindset to take my time. I never want to rush you into anything, especially after what you dealt with dating that jerk. But, god, you're such a good kisser and your body-- let me stop there. Point is, I know it'd be amazing for us, whenever that day comes. I know, it's pretty crazy. Sometimes I still can't believe it happened. You're a fine one to talk. I always want you. It takes everything in me to keep my hands to myself when we're together.
Kates: I know. This should be a huge no but I trust you. A lot. I know you wouldn't be telling me this if it wasn't important and if you did want to move on from me, you'd be honest. As long as I'm the only /girl/ you're doting over, that's all that I need to hear. Let me know how that goes.
Kates: Any time I touch your chest I just want to rip your shirt off. God, that was so blunt and embarrassing. You just- ugh. You make me frustrated. I always want your hands on me. Maybe we can be a little less careful...let our hands travel wherever they've been wanting to go.
Jake: You really think so? I wanted to keep it going but knew we had to stop. I need to revisit that conversation in my phone but basically...
Jake: Shit, he was flirting with me. He said if he has a type in guys, I'd be it. I...shit. Shit. Shit. What do I do? It's been so long since we mentioned NYE to each other. It's way too late to say something now. It'd be awkward.
Jake: Anyway, back to what we were talking about, ha. Do you really? I don't think it's a secret that I want you. Very badly. Oh man, we would have a good time. Uh, once back home. These girls were best friends and they were into me. I said I couldn't choose so they said I could have them both. I can't make any promises. This is years in the making. All the same, this is a major fact to learn about me. But I do like it. I'd never turn down the chance to learn about you.
Kates: Oh yeah, that was flirting. Give it a shot!! You already have a friendship established and something tells me that he'd recall that night very well. It sounds like it was intense on both ends. I think he could really be receptive.
Kates: I've been really grateful for the fact that I have impulse control, because a lot of the time I'm wishing I could push our kisses a little farther. But my only experience was with...you know. And it was rushed, I thought I liked it at the time but looking back, it wasn't good. I wish it hadn't happened. I know it would be perfect with you. Wow, ha. I mean that's totally plausible since everyone would be into you. You're too handsome for your own good. And mine. You drive me insane.
Jake: I hope you're right. He was super chill in the days afterward and his phrasing...I don't know. He'd be an idiot not to and then I'd have to question his eyesight and sanity. I can't imagine any guy (or even girl for that matter) looking at you and not being attracted. Um, yeah. Sorry if that's pushing it too much but I think about it way too much. We haven't even gone all the way together so I'm hoping I'm not jumping the gun here. But yes, individually, together, I'd like being that close to you guys. Lucky you, seriously. I've spent so much time beating myself up over this, outright hating myself. I still do but it's freeing, talking to you now. I know I'll probably kick myself later for talking so much right now but I need this. I needed to get the words out.
Kates: /Probably/ because he was absolutely fine with it. Maybe even wanting an encore. How did he phrase it? Look at you being the king of compliments. Thank you. No, no, you're fine. I think about it a lot. Sex, I mean. Wth you of course. But it's not at all awful to imagine factoring Eli into it. Have you ever done that? Like a threesome? Please try not to be angry at yourself about this later. There's nothing to regret. We're just learning more about each other and I like it.
Jake: This conversation is taking so many turns I never expected it to with us, holy shit. I'm actually grinning right now. I think I'm losing it. I hope so. Dating you both, being with you both...it'd be beyond perfect. Really? Your family is cool. My dad and Helen are so tightly wound about this sorta stuff. Clare is open-minded which is neat. At least I'd have one person in the house who wouldn't completely lose their mind if I told them.
Kates: You're telling me. I'm just about 98% sure Eli is into you judging by your little handsy interaction. The question would be if he likes me enough to give it a shot, and if he'd be okay with having a bit of a triangle. God, this is so funny. And when you say dating and being with us both...you also mean /being/ with us both, right? Because I'm blushing an embarrassing amount right now but I think I might like that. Yeah, I grew up in a very relaxed household in that respect. It's a step. Being open with one person can make a it a lot easier to confide in others. I have nothing but faith in you.
Jake: No, it doesn't sound weird at all. I kinda would love it if the three of us could work something out. Because I really do like you both and I dunno. I'm kinda digging the idea of seeing you and him together. It's okay. I've been keeping this under wraps for so long that it doesn't even feel real to be talking about it to you now. Thanks for that. I'm not sure how I would've managed speaking to you face to face. But I'm thrilled you aren't taking this badly. One day I'll be bold enough to ask him where he stands.
Kates: I can't even believe I'm humoring this, my god. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I just never thought I'd like the idea. But here I am, liking it. Do you think he'd be interested? No problem. Nowhere near bad. I'm not sure if this will make you feel better, but one of my cousins is bisexual and the other is a lesbian. So my family has never been against sexualities outside of being straight. There's real things to worry about in the world; who likes who doesn't even make the list. You should.
Jake: It's not like it matters anyway. Eli and I could never be anything. And I'm with you and that's all I care about. In a dream world I'd date you both, ha. You're just...the greatest girl ever. I hope you know that I really appreciate it. I've been so scared to open up about this. I didn't think I could ever tell you any of this and I'm sorry to be doing it through text. I wish I was brave enough to tell you in person. Maybe not but I'm too scared to find out.
Kates: Well...this is going to come out silly but for whatever reason, I'm not even feeling jealous about you liking Eli. I do like having you to myself of course but it's kind of interesting to think about the three of us. That sounds weird, doesn't it? And you're the greatest guy ever, I adore you. I really do. I'm sorry you were afraid. Shh, no, it's okay that it's through text. It's no less important or meaningful to be talking about it this way. You're extremely brave for telling me at all, don't downgrade that. Give yourself some time then. Things might change in a year or two.
Jake: True but, it's tricky. I've been giving myself a headache damn near every day over this. I feel like they'll always be a thing, even though they aren't together. I'm too afraid to bring it up to him again. We haven't talked on it since then. Haha, I'm glad you think so. It was hot, I won't lie. No, then again he wouldn't be messed up like me.
Kates: And even if they do always have that unfinished business, that's not your fault. It's not your business to consider, not your burden. That's on them and if they're not acting on it, whatever happens isn't your fault. I know you won't believe this but I really do. I figured as much. Do you think he'd be weird about it? You're not messed up, sweetheart. You're dealing with a lot, and that's not a flaw. You're amazing.
Jake: Maybe but that still doesn't make what I did, or want to still do, right. Because a guy liking me back? Eli at that? Ha, thanks. Even still, I've always just pictured what it'd be like. I never thought it could be possible to act on it. Really into it, yeah. Hands went places and it was intense. Easier said than done. My dad means a lot to me and I don't want to let him down.
Kates: Wanting to and actually doing it are two different things. And on that note, they're not together. Clare has no claim to him and if you ask me, that whole "sibling code" or whatever about dating/hooking up is crap. It's just controlling. You're your own person, and so is he. Please, it's so not unrealistic. Wow...wow. I'm so sorry if this is weird but that's really hot. Ha, god, I'm awful. But it really is. He wouldn't repress parts of himself for you, you shouldn't have to do that for him.
Jake: I will. I don't believe that. I'm horrible. I kissed my sister's ex-boyfriend more than once. That makes me a very, very bad person, actually. Even if he is, it's crazy to think he'd actually go for me. Or that anything could come of it. He was. We got pretty into in that bathroom. No, it's not. Hell, I'd be asking for details on you and Mare if you didn't give me any, ha. It's alright. Maybe it's a good thing my dad is that way. It'll keep me from allowing myself to feel these things. I think it's impossible for me to feel even remotely okay. You're incredible.
Kates: People have done far, far worse, Jake. Please forgive yourself for this. Or try to at least. Why is it so crazy? You're really hot, if I'm being perfectly blunt. You /know/ I already think that but I get bashful saying it, I don't know. But that's not the point. The point is that you're really appealing so it's not a stretch to think he'd want you. How into it is "into it"? Like, hands going places? You need to let yourself be whoever you are without adjusting your life to fit him and what he wants.
Jake: She'd hate me. And she'd hate Eli too. I don't want to put her through that. They've been working on mending their friendship and this will just shatter whatever progress they've made so far. It's for her own good. I don't think she'd be cool with it, even if she'd say otherwise eventually. Uh, yeah, he did. He was nice about it afterwards and kinda made me think that he could be bent but I'd never ask. It is for me. If I want to continue making my dad proud. I don't know how you could. I always feel so disgusted with myself when I see other guys and enjoy it.
Kates: Then let sleeping dogs lie. It won't help anyone in this situation. You're not a bad person, okay? It just happened, you and Eli didn't have bad intentions with it. He probably is. Not to stereotype but he looks like he could be interested. I think if he wasn't he would have insisted you two stopped. Was he really enthusiastic? Sorry, that sounds weird to ask but I actually find this sort of interesting. You're both really handsome guys and- it's just interesting. Your dad shouldn't be the one dictating your identity. That's not fair to you. It'll take a while to be okay with this part of yourself. But I'll never think it's disgusting or strange. I promise.
Jake: I'll keep this to myself. I'm kinda liking this too much to go sharing it with him. Even still, how could I look her in the eye? I haven't even told her about New Year's and I don't think I ever will. I couldn't do that to her. This is all hypothetical anyway and pointless. Eli and I would never be a thing. It does. I'm surprised by it. Most people get creeped out or paranoid about that sort of thing. You don't have anything to be insecure about. You're beautiful as hell and just...perfect. I've never said it out loud. I don't think I can. I can barely even say it to myself. I hate this so much, Katie.
Kates: I'm nowhere near surprised, you're a predictable boy. Just, I know it's a tricky situation and it's uncomfortable all around. But if you think about it in terms of what good it would do to tell her...there aren't many reasons to come clean. It would only upset her and wouldn't make either of you feel better. Somehow I doubt it would absolve the guilt you feel. I know I shouldn't condone secret-keeping but in this case it makes sense. You might not date but, I mean, he /did/ kiss you back, right? That didn't sound like a one sided event. Sexuality really isn't as big of a deal as people make it out to be. It seems fluid for most people even if they don't realize it. I consider myself straight but who knows? Maybe one day I'll get a crush on a female celebrity and I'll learn something new about myself. You don't have to say it. I understand, and I still like you even after knowing. I like you so, so much.
Jake: Okay, that's really, really hot. Mo would lose his mind if he ever found out. He'd never shut up about it. Yes, it would be. She's been on this roller coaster with him for years. I'm pretty sure she's still in love with him and she's my sister now. It's weird and just messed up, no matter how I look at it. I mean, if I were interested or whatever... I like you so much, Katie. More than I've ever liked anyone before and I don't think that'll ever change. My dad would be furious and just, it's tough. So I can't ever be attracted to Eli or any other guy for that matter. I've got a good thing going with you and that's all that matters. Are you seriously saying you wouldn't be mad if the guy you're seeing told you he might be...bi?
Kates: Which is why you're going to be good and never tell him, yes? Or no more kisses for you. It might be a tangled web but that's really not your fault. Their history is between them. If they're not together, and it seems like they're not, then you're not interrupting anything. They can each make their own choices, you know? I don't think it's skeevy to be attracted to him is basically what I'm saying. And that's coming from a girl who really, really hates cheaters. So I hope hearing it from me puts your mind at ease. I know you do, I believe you. I have moments of insecurity but it's not because I don't believe you. I just think I'm hard to like, ha. But it's never because I think you're lying. I don't think finding people attractive is something you can switch on and off. At least in my experience it isn't. No, I wouldn't be mad. I'd just be happy that he could be honest with me.
Jake: I'm doing my best not to get too intrigued by this but the mental image is kinda playing on repeat in my head and you aren't helping. No, actually it's not. It'd be wrong on so many different levels. There's Clare to think about, you, my dad, and the world for that matter. It's...wrong. Yeah, I guess some people are into that type.
Kates: We kissed a few times during that night, if I remember correctly. Once was french but we couldn't quite get the hang of it. It's not unfair to Clare, not at all. It's not like you're actively pursuing him when he's unwilling. /That/ would be unfair, but mostly to Eli. And it's not unfair to me either. You told me that I'm the one you want most, that you really like me. That's what matters in my eyes. And your dad...this isn't about him. This is about you, only you. There's nothing wrong with being curious here and there. I really wish you weren't ashamed of this.
Jake: Seriously? I wouldn't have guessed. I-- this isn't the same thing. I'm trying so hard to forget that I kissed him. I can't talk to you about this, Kates. I don't know what this is, really. I mean, I guess I do. But it can't...god. I'm not making any sense.
Kates: Mhmm. She has really soft lips. I'm sure hearing about this is making you thrilled, but keep it in your pants if you can. It's okay if you're attracted to him, you know? That's just human nature, there's really no helping it. And I can't blame you, Eli's attractive. In a broody, uppity sort of way, I'll admit. But he is.
Jake: I dunno, it was a kiss. It wasn't a bad...they weren't bad ones. It just sort of happened. And I was drunk and it was a wild night.
Kates: I'm not judging you or weirded out. I'm asking because...I don't know. I kissed Mare once, but it was just a curiosity thing. I hadn't had my first kiss yet and neither had she and we both wanted to make sure we knew what we were doing when we met "the one," which is hilarious since no one's first partner is the one, ha. But, um, yeah. I wasn't necessarily attracted to her but I'll admit it was nice, and I trusted her so it was a good first experience.