[kati-cat-lady]

Do you ever feel like dying; not necessarily killing yourself but if you saw death coming you wouldn’t stop it?

[kati-cat-lady]

I just want to die

[rabbittongues]

i wish it was me instead of you

[ashleysjourney2healthy]

[chasing-asterion]

Surprise symptoms of PTSD that bit me in the ass:

In case anybody else is having a hard time, I don’t want you to feel your symptoms aren’t real or that you’re just being self involved/dramatic.

Unable to gage appropriate emotional response - yours or someone else’s. I always feel I’m being dramatic, when in reality I’m withdrawn, because my abuser would scream at me because she bit her tongue in another room and I wasn’t there to stop it (yes, that really happened. She screamed until I cried.)

Overly helpful, people pleasing. My ptsd has manifested into being aggressively kind so that nobody’s mad at me and nobody feels the way I did. 

Unable to relax - and I don’t just mean with triggers and flashbacks. Since she did was eat, yell, abuse drugs, abuse people, and watch tv, I’m unable to sit down and relax in fear of being like her. I even struggle taking the painkillers I need to function.

Unable to make decisions - every action/thought comes with the preface “don’t be like them.” 

Scanning literally every person I come into contact with - Am I in danger? Are you in danger? You can tell me if you are, I’ll help you.

Tense muscles all the time. I already have a pain disease and it heckin sucks. 

Ridiculous triggers - Purple gatorade. The sound of coke fizzing. The smell of Malibu rum. Stuffed animals. 

Resignation - I’m ill but my ptsd’s default setting is “brain’s clocked out. whatever happens, happens. if you die you die” because it was the only way I could survive. Now when I’m in the emergency room in the middle of the night because it looks like I’ve had a stroke, that thought kicked in and scared the shirt out of me

Dormant memories - my brain has shut out a lot but at random times it’ll give me nightmares or flashes of things that happened years and years ago. I see we’re recycling now, cool. 

Fatigue - hypervigilance is exhausting

It’s real. It sucks. I hear you. I believe you. I wish I’d been told about things like this because I didn’t understand what was happening. 

Seriously, I believe you. I love you. I hear you. We’ll get there xx 

[drinkt0forget-deactivated202303]

Craving abuse and hating yourself for it is a special kind of hell

[positivepatton]

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re neither lazy nor useless, fatigue is a symptom of your illness(es) and it’s completely reasonable that a fatigued person would struggle with the things you’re struggling with

[xx666xxanaxx666xx]

[submissivebitchwithdaddyissuess]

Yes pls

[kati-cat-lady]

You Are More Than A Settle

The first time I ever sensed love, I swore it to be true

But all of the good that came with, didnt make up for the blue

I thought it was conventional to feel so much pain

I didn't understand the meaning of love, because to him it wasn't the same

My heart shattered to pieces, I swore I'd never turn back

I said I would build a wall, and paint it all so black

My mind said to accept it, that no one else would ever care

My momma sat me down and told me not to settle, that there was far better out there

Her words seemed awfully flawed, a man with mind, smarts, and consideration?

No way that he could possess all that, along with genuity and motovation

She described someone kind and gentle, caring but free

Someone who would reach deep into my soul without ruining me

He wpuld be handsome and true, that would be honored to have me every night for a date

There was no way for it to be true, only something better to anticipate

All of this time, I thought it was an endeavor to help me heal

But then when I met you, I knew everything she spoke was real

You were kind, gentle, handsome,

[lorcuka]

Pls

[ruinedchildhood]

Current Mood

[wnq-quotes]

Ellen Hopkins | @wnq-quotes

[envyavenue]

[fidelis4ever]

more here

[the-fault-in-our-scars]

Because the first time I got raped, my boyfriend broke up with me because I had “cheated” on him. Because the word “rape” is considered a joke. Because over 70% of women let their partners fuck them when they don’t want it. Because 17% of American women have been the victim of sexual assault at some point in their lives. Because only 39% of rapists get reported to the police, and only 3% of them go to jail. Because about 13% of the rape victims commit suicide. Because the first time I got raped, he put a knife to my throat and told me he would kill me if I said I didn’t want it. Because when I wanted to report him, people told me I couldn’t because I hadn’t said “no” to him. Because at least half of all babies born to minor women are fathered by adult men. (10+ years age difference) Because I can’t wear a skirt without being told “I’m asking for it.” Because when I went to a party when I was 14 and I wore a skirt and a guy kept touching my ass all night, my mother told me it shouldn’t have happened if I wore sweatpants. Because a 16 year old girl who had her first orgasm while getting raped, had to watch her 34 (!) year old rapist go free because she had had an orgasm. Because when my guy friend told me and some friends he got raped by a women when he was 12, a “friend” laughed at him and said he should be happy he got laid that young. Because my 17 year old best friend’s parents let her 14 year old brother walk outside until 12pm, but she has to be home at 10. Because a guy from my old school got raped by another guy, but because he is gay, they said it wasn’t considered rape. Because a 19 year old lesbian got raped by a guy, and he didn’t go to prison because he said “he only tried to turn her straight so she would get accepted by her parents” Because in some cultures, girls (and boys) still get thrown out of the family because some guy/girl sexually assaulted them. Because they’re still teaching girls to walk faster at night instead of teaching guys they shouldn’t rape. Because I have to explain why rape makes me angry.

Why I am fucking angry - D.A.N (the-fault-in-our-scars)

[sensualcuriosity]

[christopherpoindexter]

#Nakedhuman this older piece as well as many others are available through the link in my bio friends! Hand typed, signed, hemp paper. Hope all is well ✌️