Katie vs Motherhood

One mom, one baby, zero clues

[katievsmotherhood]

A friend was visiting the other day and was naturally completely smitten with my gorgeous, perfect little girl. Then it was naptime so I started to prepare Munchkin’s milk. As I measured out the formula, Munchkin lost it. Entirely.

And when she loses it, boy does she ever lose it. Breath holding, screaming and crying until she goes blotchy are all on the menu.

My friend kept trying to distract her. Lovely houseguest. I told her not to bother, which obviously made me look like the world’s worst parent because Munchkin was throwing such a fit that the only sane conclusion was that there was something wrong.

Then I picked Munchkin up.

And the hysterics stopped immediately. Like a light switch had been flipped.

I’m retty sure we are in deep trouble. If this is what 1 is like, what are we going to do at 2? Or, dear lord, 16?

Anyone have a hole in the ground where I can hide for the next 17 years? I’ll even settle for a dark corner.

[katievsmotherhood]

Munchkin when I tell her not to throw her food on the ground.

Me: We don’t throw food on the ground. No. If you throw it, there won’t be any more.

Her: *shakes head at me, smiles adorably, then throws the food down on the other side of her high chair.*

Me: Uh oh. all gone.

Her: *shouts and points at food*

Me: Okay, but if you thow it, there won’t be any more.

Her: *silently* Uh huh. Sure, Mum. How’s that working for you? We all know who’s in charge, here. Do my bidding.

[katievsmotherhood]

Munchkin slept through the night, last night! Only took 13 months.

I get to take credit for that even though I don’t know how I/she did it, right?

[katievsmotherhood]

Mum at play group was telling me how her son started walking at 10 months:

Her: He’s just so active. (as baby stands and looks around calmly)

Me: How old is he, now?

Her: One year.

Me: Munchkin is 12 months, too. What did you do for his birthday?

Her: Well, actually, he’s not 12 months until mid-July.

So...by 1 year, you actually meant 10 months? Excuse me, but while your kid is standing around looking like a meerkat, mine has picked a fight with a kid almost twice her age and appears to be winning.

You win. Best parent ever. Maybe hire a maths tutor when it comes to teaching Mr. Active-Early-Walker to count, though, eh?

[katievsmotherhood]

Sometimes my parenting is powered by pinot grigio...but only because pregnancy ruined my taste for red.

[katievsmotherhood]

Baby rock out! - It's hip to be a square

[katievsmotherhood]

Last week, I went to a class for parents on how to support your child's language learning. After almost two hours of exercises to help us to identify learning opportunities and strategies, we did one last task to help us to identify the languages to which our child is exposed. We wrote our child's name in the centre of a piece of paper and the people they interact with on a regular basis and the languages they speak around the edges. Mine looked something like this:

                                             grandparents - English

              Mom - English                                                   nursery - English 

Dad - English                                  Munchkin                       babysitter - Spanish

   And then big blank spaces because apparently, my child has no friends. Already. And that day was the first time she'd even had the Spanish-speaking babysitter, so I'm not sure 3 hours of Spanish even counts. I just squeezed it in, in case anyone was checking the papers.

This probably won't some up in therapy, right?

Then the floor was opened for questions. The question session went something like this:

Parent#1: I have a 3-day-old daughter and we spak Czech, Romanian and Italian t home. Is tere anything I can do to support her langage learning?

Yes. Sleep. How are you even coherent in one language?

Parent #2: My 4-year-old is fluent in German, but I want to be sure I'm doing it right with my 5-month-old.

It worked the first time, right? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Parent #3: My 16-month-old speaks both English and Spanish in the same sentence. Is that a problem?

Is it a problem that your toddler speaks twice as many languages as the average native English speaker? Let me say it in both English and Spanish: No.

Parent #4  (as her precocious little boy ran around talking to her and everyone else): My 2-year-old speaks 3 languages and seems quite confident with them. Would it be a bad idea to introduce 3 more?

Oh, go away. What are you raising? A spy? A very irritating, smug dinner guest at best.

Me: My 11-month-old only says 'ahhhh'. No babbling. No consonants and only started rhythmic sounds yesterday. Is that a problem?

Speech therapist: Can you stay after class so we can discuss your daughter?

Not even a year in and I'm already in detention.

[katievsmotherhood]

The blank stare of an eyeless chick. Totally not terrifying.

Munchkin managed to chew one of the eyes off her chick this morning. Never a dull moment. After fishing it out of her mouth, it then took me twice as long to figure out how to get the other one out. And for my troubles I have a very unnerving eyeless chick hanging around. I'm going to have to hide this thing one it gets dark.

[katievsmotherhood]

Remember when you used to feel more rested and less tired after the weekend? Me neither.

[katievsmotherhood]

I got my haircut the other day. I won’t say in how long, but it’s been a while. The last time I got it cut, I brought munchkin with me and she insisted on sitting in my lap the entire time, even though my mum was holding her right next to me. Nope. She wanted to be covered in hair and most definitely in the way.

This time, I went on a day she was in nursery. Nothing madly exciting, though, I’m still thinking she might have cut the fringe a bit wonky.

When I got to nursery to collect munchkin, she was sleeping (another rant: seriously? What time do they envision that she goes to sleep at night that makes 4:30pm a good naptime start???). Anyhow they got her up and brought her over. Usually, I feel like a rockstar at pick up. There is leg kicking, arm flapping, squeaking and general fawning and leaping toward me. It’s awesome for my self esteem.

You know what’s not awesome? When your baby most definitely does not want to see you at the end of the day.

Go away. I’m staying here. I hate you. I shall cry if you try to do awful things like cuddle me.

I missed you too, munchkin. I really think the fringe is wonky...clearly my baby has an excellent eye for a well cut fringe.

[katievsmotherhood]

They’ve made the film of my life. Except they appear to brush their hair more than once every other day.

[katievsmotherhood]

Guess what? Mum is getting a girls’ weekend! Woo hoo! break out the Twister...or just the wine. Whichever. This momma’s not picky.

It’s time to celebrate a friend’s birthday so we are headed to Paris!

Think she’d be miffed if I want to celebrate by sleeping? All the time. Ideally in 10-12 hour blocks.

[katievsmotherhood]

Should I be worried that munchkin is apparently practicing wearing an ankle monitor? Maybe she's just trying to cut back on her milk...

[katievsmotherhood]

For ages, nursery has been trying to convince me that munchkin goes on what they call ‘nap strikes’. I have been quite smug saying, ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about - she naps great at home.’

Cue the parental karma that always comes...

Yesterday, she refused to nap for her dad. I was napping (trying) myself so heard the squaking going on for an hour. I finally dragged myself from my drool-soaked pillow and went to see what the problem was.

‘She just won’t sleep,’ he moaned.  I don’t know what her problem is. I know she’s tired.’

We did eventually manage to get her down, but we had to wake her up after 45 minutes, then because otherwise we’d be encroaching on bedtime, which we all know is the sacred time of parents. In our house, it’s  known as ‘tini time - at last on the best Sundays, it is!

Cross your fingers that napstrikes aren’t a real thing.

[katievsmotherhood]

Baby dance party! - Kick off the Sunday shoes!

[katievsmotherhood]

Daily baby dance party! Don’t need no credit card to ride this train

[katievsmotherhood]

Oh, how I miss the days when I could just roll over, put the pillow over my head and go back to sleep.

Not the birds though. Good riddance to those chirpy jerks.