Story of the Brown-Eyed Girl

Katriz Anne | 22 | PH Registered and Licensed Architect I Write Personal Sad Tales Serious blogging is none of my business. You won't even find me (and my blog) interesting. A journal, my senseless thoughts and dramas and whatever. Sapiosexual,...

[katriz]

Destination Addiction

A year ago, the world suddenly gave me an opportunity of a different life. I was offered a once in a lifetime (or it feels like, but I still hope it’s not) chance of a clean slate.  I signed it without any hesitations, not even thinking twice. I didn’t ask any questions. I got no clue as to where it will lead me and whatever the goal is, literally and figuratively. The paycheck and the free one-way ticket made it easier. I was ready to go.

To be honest, I was running away. From all the frustrations, from all the madness, from all the people I could not face. From all the people that looks down on me, the people that would not bother and would never care, the people I care deeply but too scared to make peace with. And most especially I am running away from me. (Please take note of that.) That is the fun part, though – I could change zip codes but I could never change me and the way I am. Surprise, surprise, self!

Chasing something unclear. I’ve read this article reposted (by this wise woman that I do admire) about constantly chasing our ’10’. I am knowingly settling for my 7. Contentment in life. It wasn’t ‘better’. That was never the case, really. But then I realized, what if instead of ‘better’, I just want something else?

To live a hundred lives. I kept dreaming. Imagining these silly scenarios in my head and stupidly hoping I am. Thinking I am a 21-year old pro-surfer in Newcastle, or a 23-year old girl living in LA struggling to get a shot at fame. A 25-year old patissier in a little street in Paris, or a 27-year old kickass FBI agent in Florida. A 28-year old in Brooklyn, waiting for a big break in the theatre, or a trophy wife (lol) waiting for her husband in the Hamptons. I could live in a villa in Dubai or New Caledonia with my jetsetter husband and my kids who are annoyingly overachievers. Or probably a 30-year old Architect in New York, the youngest to build her own skyscraper in the Manhattan skyline, or maybe living in a picket fenced home in Jersey and a glorified soccer mom, and a PTA President at that.

Whichever works. (Ha-ha!) Can’t blame a girl for dreaming big, eh? I can’t help it. I’ve accepted and embraced who I am, but I still hope to be different. I kept shedding skin and leaving it on different places, never to return.

Hiding.

Running.

Probably crawling onto the next thing.

Never found.

[katriz]

Bakit nga ba may mga bagay na laging kaakibat ng isa pang bagay kapag iniisip mo ito? Bakit nga ba may nga tao na sila ang naaalala nila sayo? Kamusta na kayo ni *ano*? Bakit nga ba may mga sitwasyon na kahit gaano na katagal ay yun pa rin ang naaalala nila tungkol sayo? Bakit nga ba kahit anong gawin mong pagkawala ay di mo na maalis sa isip nila ang bagay na ito? Hindi ba pwedeng ako lang at walang siya? Gaano kalayo ba ang kailangan kong lakbayin para wala ng maging bakas nya? Bakit nga ba naging ganito? Nasaan na nga ba tayo? Meron pa nga bang tayo? O sa simula pa man ay 'ikaw' lang at 'ako'? Hindi kailanman naging 'ikaw at ako'?

[katriz]

I want to see you want me. I need to feel you need me. I love knowing that you love me.

[katriz]

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life.

Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

[kronikoptimist]

[kissesandmylove]

[tylerknott]

[my-teen-quote]

[katriz]

Ang sakit malaman na naghahanap na sya ng iba.

[katriz]

Goodnight, love I miss you Your smell and your snore As I lay down beside you Half asleep you pull me closer Holding me Where I am safe and I am home I miss you

[wteiahhh]

i love you now and i will love you more. maybe, i am mad now. maybe, i am insecure but i still love you. you’re not perfect but your imperfections are not you. i love you to ruins . if i were to live a thousand years, i will still choose to love you; to be inlove with you. i wanna have kids with you, buy our own house, or car. it’s you i wanna be with everytime we pick our kids from school. it’s you i wanna call if i can’t get home on time because of heavy traffic. it’s you i wanna cook omelets or give handwritten letters with. i will still choose you even though it hurts because you’re my most beautiful tragedy. you’re my mess. you’re my everything.

[katriz]

It’s not about what I want anymore. It’s what you need that matters.

[heystephens-blog]

I have you. That’s all I need.

[as-z-goes]

I’m not the type of person to give up on someone. Yes, sometimes I get really mad and upset so I need a minute to cool off but I’ll never abandon you. I don’t leave people. And I think that’s why it always hurts so bad when people leave me. Because I can’t fathom leaving you

But you made leaving me seem effortless

[katriz]

I’m trying my best not to insist things anymore. I’m trying my best not to ask questions and pry on your life any longer. I’m trying my best not to be dependent and too clingy on you. I’m trying my best to put your best interest first. I’m trying my best to give you peace of mind even when it means my absence in your life. I’m trying.

It’s your day. I want to give it to you even when I’ve waited to finally be part of that special day. Though you won’t treat it that way. It’s nice to know I am part of it even in the simplest way. Well then again, maybe my absence is my present to you, as always, in 3 years. I’ve been in your life too much that nothing is special anymore. And you are special to me, still.

And I hate it that I’ve been trying to hold back all the ‘I love you’s because of the possibilities of I might or might not hear. All the sweet nothings that will turn into nothing ‘cos you don’t feel the same way. All the efforts that’d go unappreciated ‘cos there’s nothing to prove anymore. You already know that I care. But I still try anyway.

Here I am again. Happy birthday.

[katriz]

I feel so alone I feel like everyone's trying to get me out of their lives Or they dont want me to be in them And I am so broke Crying while eating chocolates or cheesecakes or maybe strolling on a beach Or while going around the world trying to forget trying to be independent That would be nice I would survive without them

[katriz]

I drew him in my world I draw him all the time But I don't know where to draw the line.

Lang Leav