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Internet wisdom for once: visualize your anxiety as a separate entity. Allow it to exist without having to constantly fight it. Carry on with the rest of your day and the rest of the world. It’s a lot easier to deal with it that way.

Inner child felt healed today :) would love to play more with Bala. Next week, we’re having a water park date ^w^

Today was definitely a core memory moment. I had the best time with Bala at Asan Beach Park. First, we went to GPO to buy a kite from Twinkle’s. As per usual, we browsed around a bit in the store before getting what we actually wanted to buy in the first place. I spontaneously decided to buy a bubble wand since I thought it would be perfect to use at the park. We settled on a cheap pocket kite. We bought some water at ABC store, and I saw my old friend Charlie. It was a nice little interaction. We went to Asan. I don’t really remember how long it took but it didn’t feel too bad to get from GPO to the park. When we got to the park, I changed from my going out clothes into my exercise clothes in Bala’s car lol. It was funny that Bala tried his best to shield me while I was changing lol.

We did one lap around the park, and we took a little detour in a small area (somewhat hidden) of the park. There were some memorial structures built to commemorate Guam’s Naval history. It felt amazing in that area. We had a beautiful view of the ocean and the breeze felt amazing against my skin and hair. Bala and I took a few pics. While we were walking around the park, we took turns blowing bubbles from my bubble wand. Bala almost got attacked by a dog lolol, but everyone was fine.

When we finished our lap, we took a water break and just sat in the car and talked for a while. We took turns blowing bubbles as we sat in the trunk of his car. When we felt that we rested enough, we finished off the latter half of our little park date with kite-flying!!! It took a lot of tries but Bala eventually got the hang of it. I wasn’t so lucky, but I’m excited to try next time.

I can’t fully convey my experience at Asan Beach Park, but it truly will be one of my happiest memories. I felt like some part of my inner child was healing during our little play date. Blowing bubbles and flying a kite. I’d love to do more children’s activities with Bala. He’s my favorite person, and today only reinforced my love for him :)

I always feel a specific type of sadness. A longing for something that feels so out of reach. Like a memory I never actually had.

Everything feels generally okay now. It’s definitely an improvement from how I felt in January. I’m in such a better headspace now. However, there are two main things that I want to change about my life:

1. My job

2. My health/body

As the school year nears its end, it’s getting harder and harder to find joy in what I’m doing. I don’t think I’ve felt joy for my job in a long time. When I first arrive to work, I spend 30-40 minutes just sitting in my car to delay having to step foot inside the building. I know that I will leave very soon. I just hope the job hunt works out in my favor.

My health/body has declined significantly since 2020, the last time I was thin. It’s been very hard to stay consistent with working out, which has led to my weight gain. I don’t feel happy looking in the mirror. My belly is constantly distended. My arms are big and fluffy. My thighs are not an attractive size, but rather they’re so big to the point that I have unsightly cellulite. My calves basically give me the appearance of kankles. I also have cavities. My dental health is poor to my standards. I need to floss daily and stop drinking/eating so many sweets. Balance is key but it’s so hard. I want to make a change. I want to exercise every day. I will start tomorrow. I need to make this change. I want to feel happy in how I look again. It’s all I think about.

I know it’ll take time. It took me years to finally look at Joleen and not feel as terrible and insecure. I wonder if it’ll take me years to move on from Matt. I hope not. I think at the end of the day, I just want him to be okay. I want him to meet someone new, and I want him to hang out with his friends more often. I just want him to be happy and not feel hung up over me. If it takes me a few years, then I understand. I may not want to get back together with Matt, but I can’t deny that he left an impact on me that will last forever. Thoughts of him won’t stop me from doing things, but it’ll still take one step at a time. One day at a time.

It’s hard knowing that you’re hurting. In a perfect world, you would be happy with someone new and all your friends and family. I really want you to be happy. I hope that you’ll soon, or have already, realize that you are much better off without me and so am I without you. It’s hard because you were my constant for four and a half years. But we’ve hurt each other so much. Please be okay soon Matt

I’m not sure how to cope with all of this. I left my childhood home. It’s been about 9 months since I broke up with Matt, but it’s been 5 months since we’ve gone zero contact. I thought I was okay at first, but thoughts of Matt have been bubbling so intensely to the surface. I have this desperate feeling to leave my job, but I don’t know how I can possibly handle too much change at once. Whenever I drive through Barrigada to get to work, I feel such intense nostalgia and sadness. I miss living in Barrigada. I miss the building. It was all I knew, but now I have to learn how to live without it and move on. Just like Matt. Only time can help me right?

You treated me really badly. I remember when I was crying on the phone during a fight you said you wouldn’t talk to me until I stopped crying. I had to choke my sobs and force myself to stop crying.

It’s rare but sometimes I’ll forget we broke up. I just saw someone tweet about the game, It Takes Two, and a thought occurred to me: “Oh, Matt and I haven’t finished that game yet.” Yet? But I realize we’ll never have another chance to finish that game ever again. We broke up 9 months ago. I’m with someone new and he’s great, so why is it so hard to put you behind me?

Let’s get through the work week 🙏

Hi 2023. At the time of writing this, it is January 2nd, 2023. I saw that a friend wrote a message to her future self, and I wanted to do the same. Well, this will probably turn out to be just a regular journal entry. A lot happened in 2022. I ended a four-and-a-half-years long relationship, which was definitely the hardest thing I had to do that entire year. I still think about him often, and thoughts of him still bring tears to my eyes at times. While my new relationship is great, I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if I still had my ex by my side. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for four months now. I’m halfway through my second year of teaching, and it’s been okay so far. A job is a job. Sometimes I wish I had a different job, but at the same time, I’m not quite sure what I’d be doing instead. I’m not quite sure if I’m even capable of doing anything else. My Christmas break is ending, and I’m due to be back at work tomorrow. I technically still have one more full day of my vacation. I moved to my new house in NCS about a week ago, and it hasn’t been too bad. The adjustment’s been alright, but I still have this feeling in the back of my mind that I’m only temporarily staying here. I miss Barrigada sometimes, but ultimately, I like my new house a lot. It’s a proper home, and I have a proper space. But I strongly long for Barrigada, and I’m imagining myself in the building right now. I feel really sad, but I know these intense feelings of longing are triggered by anxiety. I’m really anxious to go back to work. I feel ill-prepared, but I know that I’ll be okay. Before I know it, it’ll be summer vacation and I can relax for a few months. It’s scary to think of my future. I hope I will have a happy 2023. I love you a lot, Cameron.

Game Plan:

1. Sleep on it, spend time with friends, keep him muted - see if I still feel the same way about the issue

2. If I do after having completed 1, message him to preface the situation WHEN HE’S HOME FROM WORK

3. Be honest - sex is important to me in a relationship. My main love language is physical touch and a big part of feeling satisfied is feeling desired/wanted. Sex is one big way that I express and receive love. I can’t change you and I don’t want you to change. But I can’t change either. If it comes to a point where our sexual compatibility is a persistent issue, then parting ways will become a more viable option. That way we can find partners who are more suitable to our wants/needs.

I don’t want to initiate anything anymore. You make me feel unloved, unwanted, and you couldn’t care less. I want someone who’s perfect for me and it’s so not you.

We should break up. I can’t date someone on the ace spectrum. Not with my sex drive

I hate feeling this unwanted and undesirable

I actually don’t know if this is going to be forever and will work out lol. My ex was fucking terrible in terms of emotional compatibility but our SEXUAL compatibility was FUCKING PERFECT. My current partner is great for fulfilling my emotional needs, but we’re definitely not very sexually compatible. I’m pretty sure he’s sex-indifferent and falls somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I think sexual compatibility is important to me in a relationship, so I might have to talk with him soon. Maybe breaking up IS an option in this case. Sad but the truth needs to be faced.

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