i walked back from your apartment on a friday night. you text me you can’t sleep until you know i’m home safe. i don’t know how to tell you that your arms are the only door i know how to open anymore. i wait for the train station as i hold back tears. the taste of my own sadness is so familiar to me nowadays— in one of the largest cities in the world, ive found that there’s enough people to swallow you whole. but after meeting you, i’ve realized it only takes one to devour you. and maybe you don’t mean to hurt me, maybe you are oblivious to the fact that i’m not like this with everybody. because i’d drop anything for you. i’m scared of how loyal i am to you, how willing i am to give you the shirt off my back when i’ve spent my whole life trying to find warmth. i walked back from your apartment on a friday night and i almost left without hugging you goodbye. you got annoyed at me over that, but i didn’t know how to tell you that if i held you i don’t think i’d remember how to let you go. i wait for the train as i hold back tears, and although the taste of my own sadness is as familiar as the crescent of your smile, tonight i’m also swallowing everything i can’t tell you. because how the can i tell you that i fall asleep to the sound of your voice in my mind? how do i tell you that when you touch me i can finally take a deep breath and my lungs have become so unaccustomed to fresh air? how do i say that you were right when you said the universe brought us together, that our fingers intertwining are equal parts romance and logic? how the fuck can i tell you that i’ve fallen for you when she’s already shattered you into pieces? the worst part is that i would give you the shirt off my back, bring you the sun and the moon and the music of your childhood, but it would never make a difference to you because i’m not her. i’m the sort of person you pray to get but she’s the one woman you’d do anything to keep, and there’s no way i could take her place. so i walk back from your apartment on a friday night as i remember your face, a mixture of heartbreak and a beauty so strong it breaks my heart. “you’re doing so good, don’t get into a relationship,” you tell me. “it’ll destroy you.” it’s been days and i still don’t know how to tell you that i’d rather be destroyed by a love ending than to be torn apart by one that never had the chance to begin. i wait for the train to go back home. even as i shed tears on the way home, i know id take the ride again in a heartbeat if you ever needed someone to catch you when you fall for her again. you text me you can’t sleep until you know i’m back at my apartment safely. i don’t know how to tell you that another woman already lives in the only place i could ever call home.
— i don’t know how to go home if you’re the only one i know (ap)
