It Hurts To Become

Captain Kayla Tedfort. 27. Not all casualties come home in body bags.

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia-blog​:

Civil Disobedience ;; K & Z

@kaylaxtedfort​

       About a week behind on sleep at this point with nothing but pure caffeine coursing through her veins, Zosia’s usual keen sense of self-awareness had been dialled down to a duller setting. In spite of convincing efforts to appear unfazed by recent events; to sit back and let the pieces fall where they may — behind the scenes she was not so carefree, and insidious cracks within her resolve were threatening to leak covert details into her daily life. It was subtle, but the shift shadowing her decisions made during last month’s two week absence were well underway. Thankfully, the majority of the mansion’s residents were not incredibly observant, nor did Zosia socialize enough to have deeply formed bonds with a count that exceeded the fingers of one hand. She had carefully crafted a shy existence wherein no one really noticed her unless she wanted them to, and she depended on that imperative boundary. It was safer that way; no one could think her habits were under metamorphosis when they’re original state hadn’t been publicly distinguished in the first place. To her knowledge, no one asides from herself had taken notice of the little traits she had begun adapting to, woven not by her own will. Of course, there were the slip ups of speech that she could only hope the cameras hadn’t caught but, with a reputation of having her head in the clouds much of the time, she figured anything potentially incriminating she was caught saying would mount to little consequence. 

Putting recent events in consideration, she ought to have been happily floating on cloud 9. And yet, the emotion escaped her. ‘What will it take, to be enough?’ she couldn’t help but ask her own subconscious as she routinely gawked at the rigid nature of her dissatisfaction, ‘Living in a different universe?’ Now and then, always sporadic and unexpected, moments of genuine elation would surface, a spiteful reminder that she wasn’t yet entirely devoid of goodness. Though her happiness shared the frustrating intangible quality of water; slipping in and out of her grasp like the swell of an oceanic wave. Taunting her of what was possible before sinking back out to sea, leaving little behind but salt to encrust her wounds.  The term ‘girlfriend’ was taking some time to adjust to. All of a sudden, in assigning a term to something already in existence, every single thing she’d felt secure about changed. Words had always been beloved to her in their enchanting and powerful ability to provide a foolproof outlet from reality. On the flip side, discovering how the simplest two-syllable ( g i r l f r i e n d ) label could forge moat of sterile distance around her overnight terrified her. The one she missed the most, forced to nobly camp out at the edges of her personal space, was the Welsh wordsmith with green eyes and a fancy for records and puns. Burdened with re-activated empathy, the cursed reward that came from maintaining regular attendance to therapy sessions, Zosia found her mind wracked with worry over the woman still in possession of a torch alight with her affections, caught from a different fire than the one her girlfriend’s company kindled. Angharad had recently taken precedence over the tiny brunette during the reader’s late night pondering, leading her to finally make the decision to break the uncomfortably respectful distance which had rifted between them. For, unlike Maya who had been trained to handle anything with the graceful flick of a violent hand, Zosia knew little of how Angharad’s coping mechanisms revealed themselves. The silence was eerie, permeated with guilt summoned by the unknown fate of her friend.

Unable to reach out to the curly haired connoisseur with as much ease as she used to, having distanced herself from realm of online communication much like the reader had, she felt she was left with one option; a confrontational reconciliation. And if that didn’t work, if she bottled up everything important as usual, she would come bearing gifts to ensure her visit provided at least something of value. Holding a flat, rectangular box in one hand containing something she hoped would earn a smile from the girl she currently sought the halls for, Zosia struggled to find the shared room she inhabited. She had only been to Angharad’s room once before, after a long and late night of aimless wandering together. At the time she had been a new arrival, still without a roommate. As Zosia’s footsteps halted outside of the room she believed to be correct, she figured the other bed had likely been filled by now but wasn’t sure who had taken the position. Nonetheless, raising a hand to strike her knuckles against the door, she half-heartedly hoped her efforts would be met with silence. 

It had only been a few days Kayla had been staying in Angharad’s flat; a short but needed reprise from the renovations happening in her own apartment a floor above. It had just been a happy coincidence that her old friend also lived in this building, though perhaps this building was not so much of a coincidence as it was a cosmic collision of every person that meant anything to Kayla. There was Frankie, who lived on the bottom floor, though had now made her home in Kayla’s heart. Girlfriends. The term felt odd in Kayla’s mouth. The last relationship she had had ended in tears, slamming door, and a deployment she never really came back from. If she was truly honest with herself, she still felt terrified. That was perhaps why she’d opted to stay with Angharad rather than move in with Frankie just a couple of weeks into their relationship. Angharad, who she’d known years ago, perhaps the truest and simplest of friends, and only reconnected when she moved into this building.Then there was Maya, Frankie’s best friend from the third floor. It wasn’t so much that Kayla cared about her on her own, moreso that she felt she had to care about her because... well because Frankie cared about Maya. Surely it was customary to care about the people your girlfriend cared about. Even if said person brought along with her someone that Kayla felt she shouldn’t care about. 

Zosia. Maya’s girlfriend, or so she had been updated as much by Frankie, Zosia. Her very name made Kayla’s heart stutter in her chest. Since that night she’d met her on the rooftop, there had been an unspeakable connection tethering them to each other that Kayla couldn’t ignore (though she did her very best to try). After all, she had moved here to be better. Better to herself, and kinder to those around her. To be in a space and not take it up with big feelings and uncontrollable emotions. And what was Zosia to Kayla if not uncontrolled feelings, like a train chugging along a train track unable to stop before it derails. It was the what if that was perhaps the thing Kayla revisited when she couldn’t sleep. As in, what if Zosia felt just as inexplicably tethered to her too?

But these twelve are always disguised, and we can never know which one is which until we’ve loved them, left them, or fought them. The simplicity in which these words had stayed with Kayla, even months after they had been uttered. It had driven Kayla to near madness. A madness cured only by reading the rest of the book the words had been uttered from, though she had quickly put said book deep in her nightstand the moment she felt herself reflected in it. Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. Some things are so sad that only your soul can do the crying for them. So too had she buried the thoughts of Zosia away, locked up with all the other things that were painful to think about for too long. 

Well, sometimes the universe brings to you what it shouldn’t. That must be why, Kayla argued, Zosia now stood outside Angharad’s apartment, knocking. Angharad had mentioned she knew people in this building, but of all the units she never expected Zosia’s to be one. She debated not opening the door, in fact since Angharad wasn’t home she could just pretend no one was home. Zosia wouldn’t have seen her look through the peephole and there was no way Zosia was looking for her, right? It was the doubt, and the fact that the door to thinking about Zosia had been thrown wide open anyway that drove her actions. Her hand moved without thinking and pulled the door open without thinking about what she was going to say. 

“Zosia... uh... hey,” she said, sounding slightly out of breath for absolutely no other reason other than the panic setting in her chest. 

[fuzzymuzik]

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

Good opportunities were so rarely awarded, but Zosia was on top of it this time. She’d be damned if she let this one slip out from under her. Quite literally. Dark lashes fluttering to a gentle close, her caressing hand fell distractedly to the side as her new life goal became to calculate efficient ways to inch as close to Kayla as possible while remaining decently on her lap. The air against her unoccupied hand felt startlingly cool compared to Kayla’s warmth, and she quickly slid it back into place gripped by her waist instead. Devoid of any hesitance or resistance, she melted into each decadent kiss as if it was their first encounter all over again. Both arms eventually moved to loosely wrap around the girl’s neck, fingers curling to grab onto small fistfuls of her shirt’s fabric. Yet again, awareness toward anything else was pushed to the back of her mind and she barely registered that they were on the move somewhere else. Her one-track mind was placed on pause only after an unfortunate jostle forced their lips to separate. Breathing in a slow revival of her lungs that preceded a deep and longing exhale, she glanced coyly at her carrier with a faintly flushed complexion, “Mm. Well I’ve spent more than my fair share of time wondering about it, anyway,” she admitted in a low whisper, leaning forth to hide her face at the side of Kayla’s neck where she took her time leading several kisses up to her jawline. So absorbed in the task and the taste of Kayla’s skin, she nearly forgot she had an incomplete sentence to finish, “Yeah, I think I definitely enjoy this ‘showing’ business far better.”

Kayla wrapped a strong arm around Zosia’s body, hand crossing over the girl’s bare chest to latch onto her shoulder. She shuffled in the bed sheet, pressed her front against Zosia’s back and kissed her softly on the shoulder as she let out a breath. “I...” There was a pause and Kayla cleared her throat, swallowed the knot she had over and over again. “worth the wait,” she rasped out, pressing another kiss to her shoulder. Her hand slipped down and pressed itself against her stomach, finger trailing up and down between where her pants line would have been and her belly button. “Do you know the sex of the baby yet?” There was the faint glow of her bedroom light illuminating both of them and Kayla closed her eyes before burying her face into the girl’s neck. “I love you,” she admitted finally, the air leaving her body as quickly as the words did. “Sorry I... shouldn’t have said that. I mean it, I’m just... fuck.. scared you know?

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

“It’s way past your bedtime, that’s why.” Zosia stated, knowing very well this wasn’t true, she yearned to bring about even a sliver of lightheartedness to an otherwise serious matter. There was a complicated list of reasons, bullet points upon bullets, to blame for the night being unpleasant. Though, after joining Kayla in her room those first few evenings, Zosia had decided she much preferred having the jolt of panicked movements beside her than the alternative — laying in a bed alone with the numbing swirl of thoughts that would arise without any distraction. Their past experiences may have varied and afflicted them to different degrees, but one undeniable trait remained common; avoiding sleep for as long as possible wasn’t a choice so much as it was a necessity. Nowadays, unable to retreat to previous drastic methods of starving herself from much needed shut eye, a cloud of lethargy hung in the background of Zosia’s mind instead. Her quantity may have been forced to increase, but the quality was just as disturbed. External assistance had been the closest she’d come to receiving a break from it all. She moved a hand to caress Kayla’s cheek, fingertips gingerly trailing along her cheekbone, "I think it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the universe to do,” she began, mumbling quietly despite her confidence in her answer, “I’m not bothered by what you can or cannot do, I can handle it. We are who we are… but, that hardly felt like a real invitation to me. ” She took a deep breath before her demeanor changed, “Try asking me again,” the faint indent of one of her dimples grew more pronounced as she fought back a fond smile,  “properly.”

Kayla shifted Zosia around in her lap, a faint smile growing at the hardly veiled attempt at humour. It brought a sense of nostalgia, though Kayla could hardly remember the last time she had a bed time she abided to or the last time sleep had been a welcomed activity. Her hand restarted its movement underneath Zosia’s shirt, just above her hip bone and Kayla closed her eyes as she listened to Zosia’s soft voice cary throughout the room. If anything, Zosia was the only one had been able to wake her up from the nightmares, and she didn’t doubt in the girl’s ability to physically hurt her if she herself was being hurt. It was the question, that forsaken question, that sparked electricity in the air like the crack of a whip and Kayla’s hand stilled as her eyes slowly opened. Although the question called for a repetition, Kayla forgoed words entirely, choosing instead to bring a hand to Zosia’s cheek to pull her into a kiss, slow and steady but quickly growing more heated. Whereas she’d been asking for sleep previously, now Kayla felt a desire to do something a little different then sleep. She dropped her hands, but kept the kiss going, and tucked them underneath Zosia before pushing herself off the couch and lifting the girl in her arms. The movement, unfortunately, jolted Zosia’s lips from her and Kayla barely stifled a low growl of frustration as she began walking back towards her room, Zosia bridal style in her arms. “I don’t think you know what I can do,” Kayla murmured softly. A smile broke out on her face as she pushed open the door. “But I’m about to show you.”

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

Zosia began to play with the ends of Kayla’s hair the moment she was in reach, using the peaceful opportunity to soothe herself, focussed on the gestures rather than her nerves. It was a different feeling than the one she’d had walking into the apartment. Then, she had been wracked with anticipation toward the unknown of crossing a bridge she could never uncross. Now, she was half-heartedly awaiting to be suddenly woken up, miles away, with this version of events nothing but a bittersweet dream. It had to be real, she reasoned, for it was far from perfect. As soon as she thought about the future it became more painful than joyous, as reality always was. She was steadied by way Kayla held her, able to surrender the heavier thoughts for more uplifting ones of her. “I believe you. I hear it anyway.” She murmured, lightly giving a kiss to the top of the Kayla’s head. Initially, she shrugged dismissively at the inquiry, reluctant to answer when it was impossible for her to believably lie in Kayla’s presence. “Uh, kind of,” she mumbled, keeping the answer purposefully ambiguous, “Everything still comes and goes in waves. December was, you know, a low point. Beyond that it’s been… average…” she trailed off, shaking her head, “It’s fine now, I — we’re fine.” They had to be. She learned the hard way that she couldn’t let herself slip without passenger #2 being miserably dragged along for the ride. Not wanting to seem too hopeful for the subject to be turned around, Zosia shifted her weight slightly before letting her eyes search the girl’s face, “Have you?”

Kayla debated Zosia’s answer in her head. For her, December had been okay, it was January that had felt like a tumultuous ocean, but at least Kayla didn’t have another life to worry about. Well, she had Brutus, but he worried enough for the both of them. Ever since Frankie had left, Kayla’s night had been restless and full of horrid dreams intensified by the knowledge that she had willingly signed herself up for a journey back into the stuff that created nightmares. “I confess, just now I have felt the exhaustion of the last two months.” Her hands fiddled with Zosia’s shirt. “Would it be terribly wise to ask you to sleep with me knowing what I’m capable of?”

[dulciesgf]

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

Zosia kept her gaze trained ahead of her, carefully following Kayla’s every movement for indicators of how she was feeling. It was difficult to remain seated and suspend the impulse to stand up to close the distance between them and try to comfort her directly. She hadn’t realized how rigid her posture had become until she noticed the first sign that Kayla was headed back over and something released. Shoulders sagging slightly, rebalanced by with ease, she gently nodded. “Good,” and though it was good, she felt inexplicably nervous all the same. Her thumb traced an aimless circle upon her opposite palm, needing to keep her hands busy somehow. The request encouraged a weak smile onto her lips. “Toujours,” she spared a glance downwards before she turned her head to look in Kayla’s direction, moving a knee to gently bump into hers. “I love you, Kayla,” she said, the words were as earnest as they were automatic, “I love you.” 

It took a few minutes of sitting in silence, letting Zosia’s words wash over her before Kayla’s heart regained a normal pace. Her eyes were dry now, no tears shed and although she had been taught by Frankie that it was okay to cry, Kayla was glad she hadn’t. The words brought out a sense of warmth in Kayla and she pulled Zosia back across her lap before burying her face in her neck and pressing a small kiss to the girl’s collar bone. “Zosia,” she mumbled against her neck, “I... I can’t.. say it but.. please know, how, I feel. Please.” She wrapped her arms around Zosia’s waist again, held her against her and took a deep breath in before looking up at the girl through her eyelashes. “Have you been sleeping Zosia? Have you been taking care of yourself?”

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

Zosia refused to budge, concentrating on the wetness brimming at her eyelashes until she felt single a tear slide down and disappear into her hair. The mystery was unveiled. All blurred explanation behind the most unlikely separation of the century suddenly sharpened into perfect clarity. Zosia had been there to bear witness to a few sessions of the Kayla’s night terrors. It hadn’t taken long for her to pick up on. From the very first night, it had taken her a while to recognize she really had fallen asleep with how much her muscles seized and jerked. She learned a little more about Kayla every time, trying to gauge how far she slipped away and how to get her back the quickest. She had somehow never ended up in too compromising a position herself, always too hyper-alert of every sound and movement of the other girl just in case she would need to cut in. Each night she’d have to come to terms with how severely Kayla’s spatial perception and actions were affected as soon as she fell unconscious. It was Kayla just as much as it wasn’t. 

Part of her had always assumed that the ferocity of the nightmares could be overridden if she was aware she was with someone as soft as Frankie. Someone special she loved and couldn’t be without. As an outsider looking in, Zosia had forced herself to be optimistic in that regard — oh, how wonderful it was that she’d found someone to keep her happy and warm forevermore. To now know that violent reactions had slipped through the cracks regardless of their relationship ought to have kicked a fearful instinct into gear. Zosia waited several seconds, but nothing of the sort arose. All it did was leave a bitter taste in her mouth and enhance the hopeless aching sensation clenched around of her heart. Her poor excuse of self preservation failed to recoil as it should have, even on behalf of two, and she continued to shrink even further into herself. Kayla’s ability to kill, consciously or not, wasn’t an unfamiliar thought process. Zosia couldn’t help but speculate her own experience that refused to leave her system. Old habits of a fucked up profession. Broken memories projected into the darkness like a projector casting it’s light on a cinematic screen, except there was nothing enlightening about the lifeless visuals. The faces stuck with her the most. Faces she’d been forced to dismiss as target material in order not to go insane. Anonymity was key. Personalization led to hesitant trigger fingers and a lazier surveillance job. ‘Don’t get attached, Zo. They’ll die if you do. He will. She will. And unlucky little number three, of course.’ Her stomach lurched. She knew exactly what Kayla was trying to prevent and protect. Though it wasn’t so widely known how reckless Zosia had always been; how every relationship she dared to step into shared the same inconvenient backdrop of death and guilt. Releasing a ragged breath she hadn’t realized had been held, her hands uncovered her face to fall to her stomach. “This,” she drummed her fingertips for emphasis, “happened… this choice was made because I was empty. Without a cause, without a hope,” her voice sounded distant, half of her still invested in the memories she was referencing, “I was going through the motions. I wasn’t living, I wasn’t surviving, I was just… there. Even when I retracted as much I could to save someone, I still hurt them.” Maya had made that clear, gradually growing more vocal about her disappointment towards Zosia’s disinclination to share. No amount of love had helped plead a worthy case. She’d stayed closed and cold, disengaged from anything that would shine a spotlight on her own shadows for too long. “The reality is, I’m already hurt. With or without you, I’ll hurt. I would have given up a long time ago if it was too much to handle.” Her eyes fluttered open, feeling steadied by her decisiveness. “I can’t choose between the two things that make taking another breath seem worthwhile,” she summarized bluntly, looking up at Kayla as she finally sat up, “I know what you’re capable of… but it changes nothing. I feel safer with you than I do elsewhere. I’m here, I love you. That’s my ‘how’. You’re welcome to take all the time you need. There’s no rush. I just…” she sighed, soft and empathetic, “I want you to feel safe…“ she swallowed, mulling over how she felt and the absence of what she should have. “Trust me.”

“I’m not,” she said quickly as she got control of her emotions again, “I’m not asking you to choose. I would never ask you to choose between me and...and.. well the baby you know. I just...” How could she explain it other than what she had already said? Her brows furrowed and she mentally kicked herself while her feet just brought her back closer and closer to Zosia. Her anchor. It was a jerky reaction that brought Kayla’s hand to her neck to fiddle with a necklace that wasn’t there right now but sitting on her bedside table. “I trust you.” With those words, Kayla finally sat back down on the couch, Brutus laying down at the foot of the couch in nervous anticipation. “Can you say it again, please? Can you...”she trailed off, placed her hands in her lap and looked at Zosia through the side of her eyes. “Can you tell me you love me again?”

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

Begrudgingly casting aside her original stance toward the situation, wherein deflecting conversations she knew were necessary but hurt to hear was a possible feat, Zosia continued to intently pay attention. “Hm,” she hummed faintly in acknowledgment, not trusting her ability to say more. With bated breath, she patiently received all Kayla had to say. Unlike before, she didn’t have the benefit of being temporarily numbed by shock factor, and couldn’t attempt to refuse what she was hearing. It was all so close and real now that she’d had several minutes to assimilate that Kayla’s presence was time stamped with a dismissal date. Even in her preparedness — that stupid voice in the back of her head whispering I told you so — it wasn’t any more enjoyable to process. A nervous lump formed in her throat and she inwardly berated herself for being so easily emotionally swayed. It was Zosia’s turn to close her eyes. Purposefully swapping out the calming visionary that was Kayla, even when what she spoke of was not so visionary, for darkness. She embraced the weighted sensation which had settled over her chest, a tightness that seemed to increase the more she resisted. She wanted to be bitter or angry or frustrated — at least there was power in such feelings. On the contrary, the predominant energy encapsulating every fiber of her body was a defeated sort of sadness. “Facts are facts, I guess,” she muttered, feeling her heart twinge in her chest at how pathetically futile it all sounded. Her pain was double edged sword, which had proved equal part blessing and curse time and time again. Just as passionately as she loved, she dared to hold on. “Don’t… take this the wrong way, but…” I don’t care, I want it all anyway, “that sounds like a you problem, not a me problem,” her hands sunk back down to her sides and a frown pulled her brows together in discontent, eyes still closed, “all the worry, the fear… you may have my best interests at heart but… you can’t. You can’t. I won’t let you. The baby isn’t even here yet, we c— we will find out when the time comes what it’s really like. Future tripping doesn’t help anyone. We… we can’t know what will be a mess and what won’t. We’re not usual people in a usual situation, but that doesn’t mean it’s doomed, Kayla.” She sighed, pressing the heels of both her hands to her eyelids to try and distract from the stinging sensation that welled beneath them. “Besides, we have no proof of what we will be like — only past hurts, past mistakes, which are learned from, are they not? Statistically, it can only get better for us,” a half-stifled chuckle strained past her lips, wry and devoid of humour; so desperate to be convincing she was willing to fall back on even the most obscure evidence, “we can make our own story up as we go, we can fix… what needs some help. Or try — at least we could try. I can’t control what I feel any more than you can. So… what’s worse? Trying? Not trying and feeling crazy? Pretending we did and assuming it failed?”

God how badly Kayla just wanted to forget the whole thing and pretend for a little longer that they were usual people in a usual situation. This could have been resolved in the only problem they had was distance, or lack of feelings, or even just different taste in music. But Kayla knew what she felt, and knew what Zosia felt, and distance was minute to her in every way. Their problems were more than usual. Kayla had nightmares every night that brought forth things Kayla could only wish to forget. Zosia had them too though if Kayla remembered well, their presence to each other was soothing enough to keep the demons just a little bit quieter, a little bit further out of reach and allow sleep to do what sleep needed to do. A small flinch crossed Kayla’s face, unseen by Zosia’s closed eyes, as she recalled a peculiar night where Zosia had died in her arms and that was enough for her to pull away completely and sit up on the couch. Whatever mood their had been had been smothered by honesty, even if Kayla desperately needed to touch and feel and consume all things Zosia. 

“I strangled Frankie in my sleep.” That’s what she settles on saying. It’s the kind of brutal honesty that sometimes shocks her but she figured Zosia deserved to know all that. “I’m not future tripping or-or- you know.. anything else like that.  I just would hate to.. hurt you?  A lot. I couldn’t live with myself. I made her leave you know, I did, I broke up with her. What kind of girlfriend strangles you in her sleep? I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t live with that. I’m trying to hard to make everything go away, but the only constant in the problems is me. I’m the one that can’t sleep peacefully, I’m the one with flashes and mood swings, and prone to anger. I get in my head, and I’m violent and I’ve killed people and to know.. God.. to know that I’m capable of that, that I could have killed Frankie, i can’t, fuck...” Kayla pulled up entirely and walked away from the couch while running a hand through her hair and undoing her bun so she can play with it more. Brutus is by her feet instantly and whines as Kayla swallowed over and over again. Finally, she turned and faced Zosia, didn’t want to become emotional but now she is. “I want to try but I don’t know how,” she said thickly, tears stingy at her eyes, “I wanted to leave but now I don’t want to. You’re pregnant. I can’t wrap my head around that. I think.. maybe I need time.”

[ettadunham]

shaw + food or shaw + bear ↪ asked by @snowfalls3​

“I just came to collect my dog.“ “YOUR dog?” “Mhmm.”

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

Zosia did a double take, almost missing what had been said. She half-stifled the involuntary scoff it inspired, vehement and disbelieving all at once. If she had learned one thing about herself in the span of the past few months, it was that the only things worse than the task of waiting was the task of having nothing to wait for. She couldn’t let the comment go ignored. Without a second thought she brought her second hand to Kayla’s chin, fingertips gently catching beneath it though firm enough to demand her full attention, “Hey. If you don’t think I’d be willing to wait for you, you don’t know me at all.” Their close proximity reduced the volume of her voice, amounting to no more than a purred vibrato, before she leaned in to meet her halfway. 

She lost perception of anything that wasn’t brunette and pressed against her, all other thoughts now irrelevant and outcast to the edges of her mind. All that mattered was how unquestionably right it felt to be kissing her again, magnified by the sensation of her roaming hands against her bare skin. It was addictive, insatiable, and more desirable than it should have been. Would it always feel this way? Or was every move heightened as a side effect of a timeline spent too often repressing impulses and looking the other way? Hell, it didn’t matter. She wrapped her arms around Kayla’s neck, keeping her pulled close until she felt her speak. It sounded distant, like a figment of her imagination playing tricks on her. The suggestion failed to correlate with her heady state as a decent one, but she tried to listen (emphasis on the try part). “Oh,” forcing her eyes open, she mumbled thickly, “Wait. Uh, stop…?” the amount of conviction in her tone was borderline non existent, resembling a question far more that it did a statement. She let her head lean back, expression serene despite the way she slightly arched her body upwards in her disobedient attempt to be distracting even with Kayla’s eyes closed. “You’re pretty cute when you’re determined,” she said, her palms languidly sliding down over Kayla’s shoulder blades and down her back to rest at her waistband, glancing restlessly between the girl’s features. “Convince me your mouth is of more use doing something else,” she mused, “Tell me what’s running through your mind right now, supernova.”

Those last words heard before they kissed almost went forgotten the moment their lips met. Almost, but not quite. She had heard them before, felt their weight before, watched her leave before and although Zosia’s here now, it doesn’t make the sliver of doubt disappear from Kayla’s body. She’s going away for six months, and leaving’s an addiction Kayla’s barely beat before. Her hands twitched again, fingers at a stand still as she takes in breath and tries to slow things down. It’s hard when Zosia’s body is responding eagerly and Kayla’s is lamenting that it can’t do the same in return. She heard the word Stop, voiced as a question more than anything else and then Kayla finally opened her eyes. “I’m not determined, I’m.. blinded, rushing. Careless really,” she whispered.

A small laugh escaped her mouth and Kayla bit down on her bottom lip before removing her hands and pressing them on either side of Zosia’s head. “You’re pregnant, I’m leaving, and a mess, and I don’t want to mess this up. I’d hate to-” she swallowed “-hurt you. In anyway. I feel like... if we do, you know, this, I can’t keep you.. safe, from myself. You’re the only person I’ve yet to hurt, I think. And this baby,” That was another problem all on it’s own. “I don’t.. know if I’m the best thing to be around a baby.” There, now it was out, all the honesty she felt. She loved Zosia, but she wasn’t about to admit that when the words would bind them and probably ruin Zo. “But then again... I don’t know how to stay away. Having you here, I don’t even want to.. leave.”

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

Something sent a shiver down Zosia’s spine; a combination of the fear of having to revisit the December-centric events and the guilt she harboured for not having done enough on her own to stop it. She let go of a slow and controlled exhale, mentally counting down from 10 to ease her nerves. She failed to so easily disperse the knot that had formed in her throat, preventing her from speaking for a moment. Feeling the prompt of Kayla’s hand by her face, Zosia knew caving in and abiding to it’s silent request would be inevitable. She had always been quite pliant in regards to the other girl; to her touch, words, and silence alike. The urge was unconfined by reason the same way her affections were. It was as infuriating as it was mystifying. Once upon a time, what felt a lifetime ago, submitting to the needs of someone outside her own would have been a dangerous act to even think about let alone execute. Strict protocols Zosia had abided to for years were all but diluted these days.. during waking hours at least. Her modern day stubbornness had little substance; smoke and mirrors designed to look impenetrable until someone stepped in the right direction. So she met Kayla’s gaze again, the hint of a smile breaking her serious expression at the comment. “Lying is harder when it’s for two.”

Signs of concern were impossible to wipe from her face completely, evident in the sheen across her brown eyes. She bit down on the inside of her cheek, another worried tic, and followed Kayla’s lead deep in thought. There was no way Kayla couldn’t fulfil her obligation. Though a part of Zosia, purely due to knowing acceptance was her only viable option, felt all the more determined to want to push and question the limits in place. This desire to mess with authority substantially waned the longer she observed her company from their new position. Her hands fell, clasped together, between bump and Kayla. “I understand, Kay. Really. I do,” she slowly returned, making a meagre effort to broaden her smile in reassurance. Six months — the perfect duration to ache for. Then, a split second later, something else clicked into place, and a small and shaky genuine bout of laughter slips out of her. “Okay, you know what’s really throwing me?” her face flushed, with embarrassment, at how ridiculous what she felt was in light of everything; how soft and simple she happened to be at heart. “I should be upset about that the most — the time, right? I mean, it’s not ideal, sure, but I know when I’m not so caught up it’ll—” insert undeniable wince here, “—probably seem handleable. I’m used to passing time on my own. But the thing is, right now, none of that is happening yet and…” she spoke quieter, resisting the urge to avert her gaze elsewhere as she always did when admitting to her thoughts, “it’s… it’s just… it’s far too difficult to even imagine you going anywhere — being anywhere — else when I only just…” she moved a hand to the nape of Kayla’s neck, fingers threading through the strands above her hairline, “got you.”

Kayla observed the girl in her lap, watched as her faced present a tinge of red and she swallowed thickly before wrapping a more stable arm around the girl. She couldn’t remember what day it was, or what time, just knew that this second was the only second that seemed to matter, or count. On it’s own accord, her thumb began tracing a small patch under the hem of Zosia’s shirt, urging comfort where it could. “Six months is a long time,” Kayla stated to herself, “I don’t expect you to.. you know..” a wince of her own “ wait, or anything.” As the girl finished her sentence though, something inside Kayla shifted, broke free and yearned to feel over and over the sensation those words brought from her. 

“Zosia.” It was sudden, rasped, guilty of asking for something she shouldn’t have. And then Kayla pushed herself up, met Zosia’s lips in a kiss as her hands worked to maneuver them so that Zosia’s back was down on the couch and Kayla was on top of her, hands wandering under Zosia’s shirt, skimming the skin that held two lives now while her lips continued to move easily against the other woman’s. “Tell me to stop,” please don’t “If you.. if you don’t want this. If it’s too quick.” That was all the self control Kayla had left, a mumble against the girl’s lips as she forced her hands to stop moving upwards and she closed her eyes as she pulled away. “I don’t want to rush this.”

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

Okay. Always, at best, things were okay. Advancing to a stage past ‘okay’ seemed so hard to reach, ‘okay’ had begun to feel like the pinnacle worth settling for. Glimpses of anything beyond that came so few and far between, Zosia might not have registered it if stared her in the face before slipping away again. “No, not exactly. There’s not much to her to begin with, you know, I imagine losing a limb could risk turning her invisible,” she answered, managing a half-smile, “Your ex roommate, though… not so lucky,” she lifted a hand and bent one of her fingers into her palm to signify the loss of one, “and someone else had a… an overdose. Everyone’s battles reached their breaking point; ‘I Kissed a Girl’ became ‘I’m a Fucked Up Girl’. I’m glad you weren’t around to see it.” Glad, like being okay, wasn’t completely accurate. She realized as much the moment she said it and felt her heart sink. She’d purposefully neglected to mention her own wintertime mourning routine. How she’d yearned for one remedy to distract her, knowing all too well how out of reach attaining her company was at the time.

Zosia narrowed her eyes a fraction, inwardly considering what she had accomplished and how little of it accumulated into something worth her pride. The criticism melted away, replaced with bewilderment, when she realized what Kayla was referring to. On the surface, she nodded calmly, though the idea made her stomach flutter slightly. “Yes, well,” she offered a humble shrug, “I can’t take all the credit for this.” Then her breath hitched, rapt with refreshed attention towards what Kayla had shared. “Oh,” her lips held an ‘o’ shape, mind suddenly whirring overtime, “I… I see. That’s…” she lifted her chin, eyes darting to the ceiling as if, so long as she focused elsewhere, she could avoid attaching meaning to the aforementioned words. Peace keeping mission. Leaving. Weeks. A fluttering sensation restarts within her. “Right, I understand.” Did she? No. Yes. It made perfect sense, yet her rationality was beating somewhere in her chest and not her skull. “You have to… yes, you h-have to, of course.” She whispered, her inflection cracked, betraying an unspoken question; ‘do you have to?’

Talking about Maya and Angharad like this brought Kayla back to the surreal time in her life where everything had seemed untrue and the only true thing was how she felt about Frankie, and Zosia, though she’d deny it at the time. She remembered how hard it had been to forgo the paranoia of being watched all the time, now that she was away from the cameras. “I’m sorry,” she finally offered, a bit weak but meaning it anyway. “I should have... I should have stayed. I’m sorry you were alone for.. all of that.” Still, leaving IKAG had been a desperate attempt had grasping onto the last bit of reality she had and saving her relationship with Frankie. Kayla cursed the thought that she could be save, that Frankie could follow her through all of that. But she was the one... she was the one that broke things off, not Frankie. With calculated motion, Kayla brought her hand up to Zosia’s cheek and slowly ran her thumb against the girl’s cheekbone. “I’m sorry.” 

It was all out in the open now, wasn’t it? All the secrets that had been buried thickly in the comfort of their presence, presence they had craved for months now and Kayla let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “Hey,” she murmured as her hand attempted to make the other girl look at her. “You know... after all this time, you’re just...” Kayla managed a small sad smile, “You’re still just as bad at lying, to me at least.” Her own heart hurt now, beating slowly, trying to slow down time and stay in the moment for as long as she could. Zosia... Zosia was an anomaly in all the things she had planned for herself. As far as she knew, the other girl had been fine without her, continuing her life with Maya in the best of her abilities. Without any words, Kayla grabbed onto Zosia’s hand and pulled her with her as she made her way towards the living room. Once their she sat down and pulled Zosia onto her lap, fingers curling comfortably around the girl’s waist to hold her steady. “I didn’t have any reason to stay,” she repeated. “I thought it would be easier to be where my mind is most of the time. Part of me is still there. I figured.. it’s where I belong.” Her hand tightened just slightly and she allowed herself a moment to breathe and take in the moment. “It’s just.. It’s just six months.”

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

The outer corners of Zosia’s lips twitched in a downward pull at the knowledge, unsure what to feel. The pair’s relationship had seemed so impenetrable from the outside. Even in spite of Zosia’s personal biases, every time she had heard or seen of them interacting it had seemed nothing but devoted and unconditional. I make everyone leave. “You don’t—” she bit down forcefully on her lip to refrain from the urge to fulfil the interruption, instead relying on a frown of protest to express her opinion in the place of words. Sadness clenched inside the cavity of her chest. While Zosia had no problem believing she had the same company repelling quality, hearing Kayla say the same of herself made Zosia want nothing more than to prove her wrong. No one was at fault for controlling who stayed or not. Nevertheless, she knew that to say so aloud would only prove she was a hypocrite when the very same heartfelt sentiment would feel like nothing more than a lie if she heard it to herself. She settled for softly squeezed Kayla’s hand instead. Touch had always been their better form of communication. Eventually she whispered, “I’m sorry.” She had only ever spoken to Frankie about Kayla, and even that conversation had been broached accidentally. Doing the reverse, though purposefully rather than in secret, reactivated the deeply rooted doubt that questioned whether it was alright to continue. She felt as if she’d been caught red handed talking about something she shouldn’t, no matter how vague the comment. Much like the next one which slipped out of her, low and mumbled as if not meant to be properly heard, “At least she was still in good health until the end, no? All fingers, organs, and brain cells accounted for…” her voice was devoid of emotion as she mulled over the words, too specific to be an offhanded and improvised comment. Her teeth clenched together, denying those memories their power to rouse negative emotions with Kayla so close by. She pulled a face, aware that she’d somewhat set herself up rather than wait for another question to be asked. Unable to retract what she’d said, nor able to leave it hanging on it’s own without some kind of elaboration, she sighed, “That’s, uh, essentially the opposite of what I left behind. For what it’s worth… I’m in no rush to return.”

Her eyes follow Kayla intently, heavy with a curiosity and apprehension the farther she sank — an action which she had to admit, kind of took her breath away initially. Maybe it was the hyper sensitivity of her skin, or the rush nervousness that followed telling someone new, or the careful and precise way Kayla behaved. Whatever the case; she moved her hands to assist in keeping the shirt pulled up, otherwise captivated by watching and listening. Though she didn’t have anyone else’s reception of her pregnancy to compare it to Zosia thought Kayla seemed to be handling it all reasonably, letting Zosia’s feelings of uncertainty surrender to ones of relief. The way the girl proceeded made her feel.. warm. The kiss was no different, made everything within her feel in complete ease and alignment even in its brand newness. She blinked a couple of times, recollecting herself with a clear of her throat. “Just over twenty weeks,” her voice was soft, clearly defined by a loving tone. The more time passed, the easier pairing an identity with the developing life inside of her had become a more tangible concept. This was real, not just in her imagination. At last, there was a visible sign of the progress and transformation the two of them were undergoing. "I… I needed to be responsible for creating something good for once.”

“It’s okay,” Kayla let slipped out. Though was it okay? Had it been okay since Frankie had left? Had she? There was a drop in the pit of Kayla’s stomach as she recalled the night it all started, when she had been woken up by Brutus biting her in the upper bicep, fingers curled around warm flesh and never quicker to uncurl then when she realized who she had underneath her. Frankie. Eyes wide with fear and apologetic and Kayla couldn’t even look at her as she tried for the life of her to bring herself back to reality. Reality. Kayla blinked back and repeated herself, “It’s okay.” Zosia’s confession made her fingers twitch and she let out a nervous half-laugh before swallowing. “Are you going to expend on that, space cadet?” she rasped out, fingers tapping on Zosia’s stomach. “Do I have to worry about Maya laying in a hospital bed without a few limbs?” 

Kayla pressed a kiss to Zosia’s stomach one last time before pulling back up and lowering the girl’s shirt. “You create good things,” she stated, brows furrowing in confusion at the girl’s statement. “This,” she said with all indications pointing to them as a unit rather than separated, “this is a good thing.” Well.. this could be a good thing. It was time now for things to be good again, was it not? For both of them. Except, Zosia was having a baby and Kayla was... well, Kayla was.. “I’m leaving,” she blurted out suddenly, “again. Peace keeping mission. I just... I have to pass the psych evaluation in a few weeks. I...” Her voice trailed off and Kayla looked down between them, looked at the bump Zosia had attached to her. “I didn’t really have a reason to stay,” she mumbled out. “Or reasons,” she added, eyes locking onto Zosia’s. 

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

“I bet you say that to all the girls,” she returned, diverting her last glimmer of warmth into the smile that followed the rare and genuinely lighthearted sentiment, taking advantage of their moment of calm for all it was worth. At least then, when cloud cover of serious matters came rolling over the horizon, the transition wouldn’t feel so harsh. “So..” she echoed. With a single syllable the winds of change played their part on the atmosphere, and she could linger no more. “I know,” she complied with a rather somber nod, though she made no attempt to break the ice on the first subject for several seconds. The mention of Maya’s name made her cringe slightly, still faintly stung with a grudge toward the wild terms they’d left on. Although the parting was certainly permanent, in Maya’s place the unease of confusion thrived. After a roller coaster it always took a while before stable ground could feel steady again. “Maya and I don’t have anything good going on anymore. She went too far… I couldn’t keep up. The whole damn country could probably vouch for me when I say we were rarely on good terms. I wasn’t a good girlfriend, towards the end… apparently, I… I don’t know. Irreconcilable differences and all that fun stuff,” she mumbled, quietly heaving a sigh of relief that the question was over. One down, hundreds to go. She glanced intermittently between Kayla and the ground, hesitating even though she already knew the one name she needed to ask of, a person she never thought would end up unlinked from the girl standing in front of her. “Frankie?” The second question had been inevitable. In fact, she was actually impressed it had ended up being posed second and not launched onto immediately. Nonetheless, she was no less prepared to feel those trusted hands exploring across her skin. Zosia’s hands (asides from a few concerned professionals) had been the only source of human contact with the secretive curve in question for months. Experiencing it any other way was an act she never thought would feel so strange and puzzling to adjust to. Kayla’s keen sense of observance paired with the unfamiliar sensation of being touched there by a set of hands of outside of her own caused words of explanation to catch in Zosia’s throat. She held off as long as she could, wondering if she ought to keep it simple or explain the situation from the beginning. And if skirting around the real reason she persued pregnancy would reflect better than truth. “Mhm,” she finally hummed gently, tentative to break her silence on it even if the answer had been decided for her loud and clear, “Yes, it’s exactly what it looks like, Kayla.”

Kayla nodded softly to herself as Zosia explained the situation with Maya. It felt... bittersweet, to hear the end of a relationship she had been more than privy too. Maya and Zosia had been, in her eyes, bound together no matter what. Kayla let out a breath when Frankie’s name was mentioned and she shook her head softly, one hand pulling away to grab onto Zosia’s and bring it closer to her face. “She left,” she finally murmured thickly, “I made her leave. I make... I make everyone leave. It’s better this way, I couldn’t...” she trailed off and closed her eyes, swallowed away the knot she felt in her throat. “I’ve hurt her so much, so many times.” She decided to leave it at that, easier to leave things as they were other than trying to explain the turmoil that was Kayla and Frankie. 

There was a pause in her movement, a halt in her thought as Zosia answered the question that had been on the tip of her tongue since the moment Zosia entered the house. Knowing that a third person was now privy to their conversation Kayla swallowed and dropped Zosia’s hand to place her own hand on the girl’s stomach. “I...” she rasped and pressed her forehead against Zosia’s, “...oh.” For a second, Kayla pulled back and observed the other girl. Then, slowly, as if asking for permission, she placed both her hands under Zosia’s shirt and slowly pushed the girl’s clothes upwards, her own knees bending to slowly lower herself until finally she was eye to stomach with Zosia. With one last gaze upward, Kayla brought her lips to Zosia’s stomach and pressed a soft tender kiss against the skin there. “How...” she mumbled against the skin, “how long?”

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

Real. Wasn’t reality great? For the time stopping duration of their kiss she certainly thought so. It wasn’t hard to have a drastic change in heart when she was able to kiss and be kissed by someone she’d cultivated a steep history of unresolved tension with. She let herself be swept away by the long sought after breaking of their habits of the past handful of months. Her fingers curled, hungrily grasping at material and occasional skin for the chance she could bring her just a little bit closer. If it hadn’t been for Kayla’s choice of support, she might have forgotten how the rest of her body had been reacting. In that moment, without a trace of a doubt, Kayla’s presence rivalled the cold better than any fireplace could. A tingling electric charge erupted beneath Zosia’s skin, knees on the verge of buckling when so much of her was devoted to non-standing related activities before her center of gravity was rescued by Kayla’s directing. Wholeheartedly lost in wrapping herself up in Kayla however she could, conveying through every uncontrolled kiss every missed opportunity she’d let pass by, the only reliable indicator of how much time had passed showed in the way her lungs strained to keep up. Her eyes stayed shut when their foreheads eventually met, absorbing what had transpired, in no rush to let go of the fireworks bursting behind her eyelids or the new drum pattern her heart beat had acquired. Slowly remembering how to function how she had been prior, with a deep breath, she made an effort to pull herself out of the trance and open her dark eyes. Gazing down at Kayla naturally necessitated a secondary sharper inhale, equal parts taken aback and delighted at how close she remained. Solid, real, permitted. It would take some getting used to. “Hey,” she replied, voice wavering, borderline giddy. She lowered the hand she had cupped to Kayla’s face to slowly run the pad of her thumb over the girl’s bottom lip, then over the rise of her chin and along the line of her jaw. The movement was absentminded and affectionate, repeated a few times during the pause it took for her to recover a semi-regular breathing pattern. Upon repeating the circuit of touch a third time she felt a swell of regret, for it only made her tempted to kiss her again. Except now you can. So she did; a softly pressed peck softly deposited to her lips before she withdrew again, the back of her head resting against the wall. “I think I can imagine.” she countered in a murmur, chest shaking with a soft laugh that was laced with nervousness. She knew they couldn’t avoid addressing other subjects forever, but she could temporarily. “I’m glad you did. Tell me… are all Canadians this friendly with their welcomes? Or is it a Kayla thing?” 

“It’s a Canadian thing,” she breathed out, laced with slight laughter and nervousness. “I could put you down but I think...” Another laugh, more in disbelief now than anything. “I think I’ll keep you in my arms.” With those words, Kayla leaned in and pressed a small kiss to the side of Zosia’s mouth. This moment between them, how badly Kayla wanted to hold it forever, knew that it would be broken the moment they spoke about anything other than the now. She wanted to continue making small talk, tell her how nice the weather had been for this time of year, but she couldn’t, didn’t want to say anything. 

“So..” she finally said, “we should talk. Maybe. If you want to, I mean, about.. this.. and... Maya?” The name was said in question. For a second Kayla hated to think about the possibility that Zosia might be cheating on her. Still.. who flew to Toronto to confess their love if they didn’t have that love to give. Slowly, Kayla lowered Zosia’s feet to the ground, still holding to give her some support while both her hands dipped under the girl’s top to hold onto her bare waist. Her thumbs brushed against the skin, dipping into the quick curve before the more prominent bulge was felt and Kayla’s eyes fluttered again. “Is this...” she tried, “are you... I... is this... ?”

[xyzosia-blog]

i’ll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before (k / z)

[kaylaxtedfort]

xyzosia:

‘I just wanted it off my chest, just in case you die’ had seemed too morbid a footnote to admit out loud, but it circulated inside of Zosia’s skull several times before she let could it go. The driving force responsible for shoving her out of the shadows of doubt was a mind refreshed of what witnessing what the end felt like, looked like, and tasted like, in a horrible trilogy that had to have been sculpted by the vengeful hands of karma incarnate. Nevermind the fact she had deliberately subscribed to live a new American life that would promise no more lifeless bodies would need retrieving. Imagining her most deeply rooted fears could knock down the very first group she’d formed connections with an entire ocean away from her past ties had been an outlandish fantasy. Flash forward a couple weeks, and she was so far removed from being naive with hope that fresh starts were possible, at this point Zosia couldn’t help but wonder if her nightmares were premonitions in disguise. She hadn’t openly expressed her love to anyone who had lived a life untouched by hurt or fatality, after all. Even now, she feared what she’d done, despite knowing how true and liberating it felt not to conceal herself beneath apathy another day. Then again, if no amount of name calling or devotional heart pouring could revive a six-feet-under regret, was it really worth the heartache of trying? Of course she was. Kayla had unfortunately continued to show up in guest or starring roles in Zosia’s macabre themed nightmares, visuals which had unquestionably started to carry more weight than normal after December. Staying away from Kayla’s doorstep had been physically impossible for that reason in particular. Lightning was never supposed to strike in the same place twice, but it had. When would it again? No one was immune; not the brightest of suns or the moons. If she’d stayed away and played the ignorant ‘no news is good news’ card, time would have passed with the dreaded anticipation of a countdown.

It wasn’t lost on Zosia how disruptive her monologue had been, equivalent to stone being thrown across a tranquil body of water. The splash of it’s impact produced a splash no matter how neatly she’d tried to execute her throw, and now a network of ripples surrounded them that only acceptance could settle. That didn’t make her any less concerned with the unknown reaction of the beloved variable; Kayla. A spike of guilt merged with the preexisting adrenaline chorusing through Zosia’s veins the longer she stood, watching Kayla shifting. Her body tense again at the sight, breath bated. Kayla in an unsettled state automatically put her on edge, especially in knowing it’s origin had been her fault. Her jaw fell slack, as if to speak, though she couldn’t find the will to continue. It was a lot to process, and she deserved all the time in the world. Zosia’s patience was abundant, if not a little jaded around the edges. The silence drove the pounding of her heart into her eardrums, desiring nothing more than to collect Kayla into her arms and soothe her. And then, to her complete astonishment, almost the opposite happened. Perhaps it was because Zosia wasn’t used to using her voice so much and honesty made her lethargic, but her brain lagged behind a beat before she could fully comprehend what was actually happening. Her muscle memory didn’t know this part when it came to Kayla, self-taught only to memorize the art of restraint, never letting a touch press too far one way or another. It was hard to believe anything between them like this stood a chance at being real after prevention and intervention had always been the golden rule — an unspoken agreement they’d mutually abided by until that line was set on fire. Kayla had already imprinted on Zosia unforgettably, in many ways. She knew her by touch for how often she’d traced her skin for comfort; knew the sound her heart’s startled double time rhythm; knew the onset of her tears just as intimately as she knew her own. Bridging the gap of kissing Kayla heightened every previous sensory perception she’d had, dispersed every yearning thought, and left her mind reeling in the midst of an uproar of adoration never acted upon. What had begun as a tender kiss of return seamlessly transformed into a more fervent one as instinct took over. It was so easy, too easy, too fall into her as if they’d been here before.. just as it was to return home. A shiver trailed down Zosia’s spine and she at last gave herself permission to reach out and wrap an arm around her waist, the trembling fingers of her free hand sliding up the slope of her shoulder and neck to caress her cheek timed with her lips parting the most minimal of fractions, “I don’t care what you say or don’t say,” she mumbled, “I don’t expect anything in return. Just… be here. Get out of your head and just be here right now.”

It had all started so simple, so easy, a gap bridged and crossed that had been waiting to be cross for months now. Her heart was a mess and Kayla dropped a hand, grabbed feverishly onto Zosia’s waist. Closer. Closer. The kiss, so passionate, stopped and Kayla had to focus on the words Zosia was saying. “I’m here,” she rasped pressing her lips to Zosia’s for emphasis, “all here. I’m here. This is real,” she repeated before slightly bending down to wrap her arms just below Zosia’s arm to lift her up in her arms. It was harder than it was with Frankie, due to the obvious height and weight difference, but Kayla’s muscles pulsed and burned as she held her there and pressed their lips together again. “Real,” she mumbled against Zosia’s lips before using the nearby wall for assistance in holding up Zosia’s weight. She felt her shirt tighten and bunch up where it was trapped between their bodies but Kayla didn’t break the kiss, couldn’t break something that had been in the making since she’d met Zosia on that stupid rooftop. 

There was a lot that needed to be talked about. A lot Kayla felt needed to be addressed, Frankie, Maya, whoever else was involved in this... swirling black hole. But this was like breathing again, stopping time to allow fresh air into her lungs, and Kayla would be damned if she let words interrupt this moment. Finally, after what seemed like entirely too long, Kayla pulled back, inhaled a deep breath and leaned her forehead against Zosia’s. Her bicep burned and Kayla adjusted her hold ever so slightly, pressing closer into Zosia and the wall at her back. “Hi,” she rasped after a few minutes of silence, eyes dropping down to the other girl’s heaving chest and bulging stomach. Her eyelids fluttered and she looked back up at Zosia, nervous and at ease all at once. “You don’t know... how long I’ve waited to do that.”