No regrets (CoVid 19 diary Part II)
In the past few weeks our lives have been turned upside down. The CoVid19 crisis has changed all of our lives significantly. Curfews, prohibition of contact, toilet paper shortages, closed borders, fear, death, restrictions of liberties, surveillance... The world is a different place now. We are living in a real life heterotopia. These new circumstances are teaching us a lot of lessons. One of them is that our privileged lifestyles are nothing we should take for granted. Especially in Western societies. We became ignorant and completely oblivious toward the uniqueness of the abundance of possibilities our lives had to offer. We took them for granted. Most of us have not seized opportunities presented to them. And I cannot blame most of us because we figured that there will be a point in our lives where we get to do it. Unless you are confronted with the possibility of death or societal breakdown, you automatically assume that there will always be another day, another month, another year where you can travel to a certain place, party in a certain club or engage in other activities. We were so freaking naive. Raised in a society where growth and globalization were a given. The pandemic is a painful reminder and wake-up call to so many of us.
And yet I wondered why am I less affected than most of the people around me. Today it finally hit me. The past 4-5 years have been a constant struggle. The issue of death was a present topic around me. At the same time, I battled mental health issues and underwent therapy. This therapy finally led me to the conclusion that I found too many excuses to say no to everything that might be considered as irresponsible. I did not live. I did not test my boundaries. I used to give into societal expectations rather than being myself. I am decent. I am kind. I am empathetic...and yet, I can be quite a child and love to joke about inappropriate stuff with my very special friends who I love deeply. 2019 was a year where I said „yes“ to almost everything trying to find me and figure out who I was. What I liked and did not like. Within a year I did the following things: Travelled to Marocco, went to shisha places frequently, attended 2 Bachelorette parties, went to party in Mallorca and bought a Dirndl to celebrate the real Oktoberfest, saw my favorite metal band live, went to theme parks (freaking 4 times), went to Hamburg and the Reeperbahn, went to Bologna (twice), went to Berlin with my male best friend and attended a very questionable event, partied in a rock/metal club with someone I’d rather forget, got way too drunk, went on a very unsustainable cruise, went on a trip to Budapest with my mother and her partner (something we haven’t done in a decade), made new friends, rode in an ambulance... and did a few other sometimes pretty stupid things. I took so much criticism for all of this. I have to admit, some of these activities were mistakes. But overall, I had a bloody good time. I have zero regrets.
Every step along the way taught me an important lesson. I have changed. I am still me but more content with myself and I know who I am. And guess what... most of these activities are impossible to do now. I did these things before it was too late. Guess I just got super lucky. No bloody clue. But I appreciate the fact that I ticked a lot of things off my bucket list and lived like there was no tomorrow trying to improve my, at the time, fragile mental health. For this actually made me stronger to endure what all of us have to endure now… and be a rock in the sea.
