[kaysiel]

my last post on this blog was when I started working at that bloody corner shop?!? That was... early 2017 wtf.. wtfff

[kaysiel]

A rambling update, for those of you still here despite the purge, as I sort out my thoughts:

I’m alive

Actually I’m really doing well; I moved to London and got a job that offers more than 20 hours a week! My aunt (who I live with) has let me live rent-free for a couple of months so I can crawl out of debt, and I’m finally in a position to pay people back! I haven’t been out of my overdraft in legit 10 years, so it feels. Good. A weight is gone. Going. I’m working on it.

My best friends live here so socially I’m doing well, which means that mentally i am SOARING. Suicidal thoughts? I don’t know her. I’ve lost weight, i have a social life, my skin is doing.. Still shit but w/e…. I feel… really fukkin good, i didn’t realise how bad I was until I got out y’know??

I fucked up really badly with commissions, like. Real fukkin bad. And rather than do something about it I just shrivelled up and hid and told myself that I’d do it someday/somehow but mostly I just got more and more depressed/unmotivated/ ‘i can’t make anything else until i’ve done this’ so I haven’t made anything in close to 2? 3?? Years now…

And it took a long time to accept that I wasn’t going to be able to make what i’d promised, and I mean a LONG time, and then it took even longer to get the funds together to refund everyone, but I think it’s for the best. I think, that i just needed to stop, and go back to square one, and now that everything is cleared I feel lighter and like maybe I’ll be able to do something again someday…

Something that isn’t commissions, because if my attempts have taught me anything, it’s that i say yes too easily and take on too much, so I think if I ever want to create stuff again, i’ll have to have a blanket ‘no coms’ mentality, and only ever make something, THEN offer it if that makes sense...

I’m not sure if/when I’ll make stuff again- we’re actually moving from this flat into somewhere bigger, and the process is a nightmare especially bc we uhh got dogs! Rescue greyhounds! (They’re great tho they shit far too much)

Before people ask:

Are you still into TFs?

Not really! I went hardcore on that for like a good 8 years, I need a break and nothing about it inspires me in any way anymore :C

Will you open your shop?

Mmmmaybe! But not soon, and if I do it’ll be 100% ‘Ready To Ship’, no more making anything to order when it’s clear I just can’t work like that.

[kaysiel]

-hugs and offers support after that shitty arse job- How's things going for ya now? Doing ok?

new job is super chill, like it’s all older women and every five minutes they’re like ‘take a tea break’ and i’m like... but work???

and i’ve only been there a week but i can feel life returning to me it’s ridic how good it is now i have actual time off and shorter shifts :’D

[kaysiel]

Hi! Love your plushes btw, and i was wondering if you ship to the US? And if you have an Estsy shop because I know you've mentioned it before but I don't really remember.

Heya, I do ship to the US but my etsy (kaysiel crafts or something i think it’s called) is shut atm while I try to gather the broken pieces of my life back together

[kaysiel]

Answering some asks that have been sat in my inbox for? I don’t know how long tbh, bc I haven’t been getting notifications on mobile so it’s taken coming on destop to find them all wtf

[kaysiel]

are you okay

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[kaysiel]

I don't mean to be a bother, I am just curios to know if you are able to make this. You're Optimus Prime Plushie. Please and thank you.

Hiya, I’m sorry but I’m not open for commissions at the moment, and that OP plush took literally months and too much energy to ever do it again :C

[kaysiel]

Here’s an overdue post that I’ll probs elaborate on more later, but it’s been like 6 months without an update from me so...

Okay, so that new job I started?

Literally the job from hell. No set hours, I’ve been doing anything from 24-40 hours a week, but on an ever changing pattern so earlys followed by lates with a few night shifts thrown in. Every shift is between 9-11 hours. I’m typically doing one on-one off shifts, so I haven’t had a two day weekend in a few weeks, and when I do get days off, I just sleep. Sleep, poke at the internet from about 9pm-4am, nap, go to work, sleep, repeat.

The actual work environment is draining bc the Site Director is a fuckin tyrant ((I was bitching with ppl from admin the other day, and apparently in admin at least one person every day is literally crying bc of how awful shit is????))

My physical and mental health have been at literally the lowest in my entire life?? Like, I’ve always been depressed, but I’ve never //actually// wanted to kill myself before?? That was an interesting and quite alarming development. The 1am crying sessions became daily for a while, and oh boy the intentionally self-destructive/self-abusive shit I’ve been up to has been insane now I look back with a slightly clearer mind...

BUT GOOD NEWS. I quit. Tomorrow is my last day and I’m going to work at a smaller shop a lot closer and it just seems like a decent job this time.

What this means for my sewing:

I might actually have energy/time to sew again? ?? I’m finishing long overdue etsy orders atm, and then I need to prep for TFN, Not sure what’ll happen after that, but it can’t be any worse than the last six months...

‘I don’t want my etsy order anymore, it’s been too long’

Completely understandable, just let me know and I’ll refund in full and I’m genuinely sorry for the hassle my own issues have caused for you.

[kaysiel]

(Top pics before, middle is what I started with today, bottom is now!) Swapping the rooms over has basically turned into a two week-long 'unfuck your habitat' session ;__; it probs could be been done in a couple of days but I've just started a new job and motivation has been v low recently So basically spent the entire day today organising art supplies, and tomorrow I can finally tackle the fabric stash! The end is in sight :D

[kaysiel]

feliscybernicus: It doesn't really matter what the cause is, it's still executive dysfunction. Depression, adhd, hypothyroidism, etc. can all cause executive dysfunction.

...haha shit ok then

[kaysiel]

I can tick most of the list of symptoms for Executive Dysfunction, but I don’t think it’s really that, I think it’s just depression impacting on an already unorganised personality??

Like, up to my mid-teens, I was a forgetful mess, but as long as I wrote a to do list the /second/ i knew of it, I was fine and I’d get stuff done

But now as an adult, and I think since this depression really hit in uni, even if I make a list I’m just.. too lethargic and foggy-headed to get anything done :/ shit sucks! 

[kaysiel]

Hellooooo~~

Okay, so been a little longer than I’d hoped- we ended up switching some rooms in the flat around, so everything was a nightmare for a little bit but it’s all settled now so I’ll be finishing off and getting in touch with Etsy ppl asap!

Basically, the set up we have is 3 rooms in this flat. i have a bedroom, and before my brother had a massive room, and some stuff in the supposedly shared room i.e my ‘office’

Bc he was essentially living alone in one room though, it’s been playing havoc with his depression, and when he goes into a slump it means the flat becomes filthy and uninhabitable which sets of MY depression downer and I become literally worse than useless for a month

SO. Basically suggested that we swap stuff. SO now we both have our desk in the biggest room, and an actual bedroom each :’D And we’re both doing our best to make sure the kitchen stays clean too, and so far it seems to be working! We’re both a lot happier atm, and I’m praying to fuck it keeps up this way bc I’ve been in a really bad place for quite a while and it obvs affects my productivity and I get caught in a shitty cycle

SO! Finger’s crossed! And yeah back to work properly for me and I’m determined to make 2017 the best and most productive year of my life XD

[kaysiel]

End of Year Review i.e ‘Wow 2016 Sure Happened’

Trying to sum my year up, I think it’s best to use bullet points:

Good things!

Moved out of my parents place!

???

Oh! Designed some new products, and sold a load at TFN and Etsy :D

Got a lot better at Illustrator :3

?????? Not sure what else, everything blurs together a bit

Bad things!

Mmmmmm that mental illness feel

What is time keeping? and Self-motivation? Willpower? Discipline?

(My god my brother is a slob to live with)

Kind of lost a lot of money? Turns out fabrics and materials cost a lot more than I was able to get out of them, esp with my ability to sew severely hindered by my brain trying to get me to hibernate all year

i fUCKED UP GUYS

(jfc I also put on like 3 stone bc I’ve been too busy/stressed to like, eat properly god I feel terrible, my knees are fuckin up so bad with this unhealthy shit)

Mmm on a more serious note, I bit of way more than I could ever possibly hope to chew, and while I can say ‘I work 25 hours a week, therefore I should easily be able to find 10-20 hours a week to sew too’ it turns out, a) finding ten hours is hard and b) ten hours achieves NOTHING, I misjudged on a lot of stuff and was too optimistic in what I could achieve in a certain time frame, and ended up falling behind and never being able to catch up :/ It’s been like, a long continual burnout phase for the better part of the year, maybe longer tbh...

On a more positive note, I DID learn a lot of new techniques and I’m better at sewing than I was a year before!!

Going forward, at least I’ve had this experience? So I know never to do it again?? From now on, I’ll be making stuff /then/ putting it on Etsy, no more ‘made to order’ stuff I think, or at least not as much. I don’t want to open Etsy again until I’ve finished sorting out the mess of orders I’ve got left, including some larger plushies I still owe people.

I think once the burden of ‘you need to work bc this is late therefore you can’t relax or have fun until it’s done therefore you’re too stressed to work therefore---’ cycle is stamped out, I’ll be able to be a lot more productive, esp if I can just make what I’m in the mood for :/

And fuck man I have SO many ideas, but I haven’t had any time or energy, and I just really want 2017 to be the year I Get My Shit Together ;__;

[kaysiel]

End of Year Review Incoming soon, but the tl;dr version can be summed up as

Wow I sure fucked it all up

[kaysiel]

me: I’m gonna get everything finished this weekend!!

work: we need you to come in on Monday my body: here’s that period we magically skipped for a few months  my house: raNDOM POWERCUT TIME my half finished Bob: Yeah I’m gonna... hide the finished parts you need somewhere who knows

I’m.... I’m a very stressed ball right now

[kaysiel]

SO CLOSE TO FREEDOM.

[kaysiel]

And then once these plushies are DONE. I want to develop a simple plush pattern so I can make them, and do shop fills like other plush artists?

And I’ll try and make other big ones and sell them somehow, but I’d rather like, please more people by selling smaller cheap ones, than only make one or two big ones a year...

ANYWAY I’m rambling bye