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kirsten - 26 - mi personal blog

[urbnite]

[especially]

[neckkiss]

[kaytooo]

To be this fucked up with no trauma or hardship, there’s gotta be something fucked up with my brain.

[kaytooo]

Why am I too chicken shit to actually cut deep enough to bleed

[ruinsmami]

me: [listens to own playlist]

me: fucking masterpiece

[summersenstations]

[redlipstickresurrected]

Eiji Ohashi aka 大橋英児 (Japanese, b. 1955, Wakkanai, Hokkaido, Japan) - For years Eiji Ohashi has been capturing Japan through its lonely Vending Machines at Night and during Snowstorms.  Photography

[burtoo]

places I imagine I lived

[kaytooo]

I need to stop talking to this girl because I am at the point I need/want affection from her in addition to our daily interactions (or else I feel disappointment, insecurity, depression). I want to feel like I’m special to her. I want to feel something and be something that I’m not to her. It’s taking a huge toll on my daily mood. My hourly mood.

I need to stand up for my needs, but it’s so heartbreaking to move on from someone who is closer to the type of partner I want than anyone I’ve met before. She’s just not ready to be dating, and especially not someone 2 hours away. I am disappointed. I wish I could just not care as much as I do. Not want her as much as I do. Not wish she would reciprocate as much as I give her. All so that I could be carried along until she’s ready and sees me as the person she wants to date.

It’s fucking pathetic. I need to prefer feeling content instead of holding onto hope for the future that is making my present an emotional fucking roller coaster.

[kaytooo]

Last night I had such awful, realistic dreams poisoned by insecurity.

The most upsetting was obviously about the girl I’m talking to. I somehow moved to Chicago and was talking to her. I felt insecure about the people she was hanging out with and that they’re spending the night together. I was just wildly insecure about it.

I did what I usually do and ignore it and still try to be a presence in her life. In this case, I came over to where they were sleeping and laid in bed with them. Man, dream physical touch is almost as good as real life. I was trying to get her to be affectionate with me but she wasn’t and actually shot out of the bed and said she has to get going with the day. I maintained the disappointment typically felt throughout our interactions.

She ended up walking me home, even came inside with me. I gave her a tour and sat on my bed (basically only thing there, newly moved). I was showing her something on my nightstand that she came up really close to get a look at. Then she put her lips so close to mine, and I kissed her. It was so passionate, I cupped her neck as she pushed me over onto the bed. Her lips were so full against mine and she seemed to like how I kissed. We had great fuckin sex. We laid there together after with our faces close, our arms and legs tangled together, soaking up the physical touch. I’d touch her face, her hair, pull her head into my chest, and she’d wrap herself around me.

And when I woke up (since this was the last dream), I decided I need to stop talking to her.

[kaytooo]

I’m tired of feeling like it’s too soon to be having serious conversations about how her behavior makes me feel.

I’m tired of being afraid to put her on the spot and call her out for her lack of communication.

I’m already tired of asking for basic communication from someone.

[kaytooo]

How tf do I even bring this up like

-hey, last night you ignored everything I said except for the joke. Why?

And then I s2g she’s just gonna be like “sorry I was tired”

Then where do I go?? Like “oh yeah that makes sense sorry for thinking you were a piece of shit, also could you just tell me you’re tired instead of just ignoring it all, I expect a certain level of communication and you’re not doing it”

[kaytooo]

Actually, I don’t even want to accuse her of ignoring things in the first place. I just want an explanation on why she chose only to respond to my joke.

“Hey how come you only responded to my joke last night? I feel like I said a lot of other stuff and even asked why you felt mixed about going back over to your new friend’s house, and I feel like you didn’t acknowledge any of it. Sorry to call you out / put you on the spot again, but I felt like I was ignored. Thanks in advance for your response —”

[kaytooo]

How tf do I even bring this up like

-hey, last night you ignored everything I said except for the joke. Why?

And then I s2g she’s just gonna be like “sorry I was tired”

Then where do I go?? Like “oh yeah that makes sense sorry for thinking you were a piece of shit, also could you just tell me you’re tired instead of just ignoring it all, I expect a certain level of communication and you’re not doing it”

[mercury]

[kaytooo]

Idk someone tell me this doesn’t sound like a fuckin side step:

Her: *is video snap chatting me about how she’s socially drained bc of all the things she did today*

Me: *says it’s impressive that she is drained but is still taking the time to tell me about her day, asks why she feels weird about going over to the girl’s house again today (if it’s not because she’s drained?), some other stuff about not believing in God, and then an impromptu pun about not taking offense to that which means I have an open backyard aka no ofFENCE*

Her: *responds only to the offense joke i made*

I am really disgusted by that response and I’m TRYING to justify it as her being too tired to respond

But if you’re too tired to respond, fuckin say THAT and go tf to sleep???

God damn this isn’t even hard communication, it’s just basic communication that she doesn’t have the fuckin time to give me

So fuck all that

Someone give me the strength to ghost this mf

[kaytooo]

I thought this girl and I had a good conversation the other night about where we’re at with each other (specifically, how she feels about /me/ and not just dating in general), but then the next day she’s updating me about her day and about how she went on a great adventure with this new girl (a new “friend”) where they:

-got coffee

-went on a walk and visited a bunch of cool buildings

-did a photo shoot

-hung out at her house after where she met her roommate

-got invited to come back over later

And like idk but that seems like a fucking date to me, so

Thanks for sharing, why the fuck am I still here