Coleen

to no one, from me

[kcmews]

Constellation of Melodies: A Reflective Analysis on the Anthology, “Lockdown Litanies: Countless Untold Stories”

Pandemic had robbed us of a big part of our lives. Be it the last year of your high school life, a birthday of a loved one, or a special day. Memories that were supposed to be made personally turn into memories through virtual. As someone who got stuck inside my house for almost two years, I felt my mental health deteriorating. But for some, the pandemic had been an opportunity to reflect on their experiences and turn them into a piece of art.

Even the first stanza of the poem, “Dear Diary,” itself was enough for me to get a glimpse of what I was about to read. Change was inevitable, but sometimes it felt preventable. And most often than not, people, take me as an example, get caught up in this reasoning and wallow on those constant what ifs and what could have been. But, change was what would lead a person to their best version of themselves and that was what I realized after reading the poem. Based on the lines in the poem, “Move away and discover a world on my own. I know I won’t be the same again”, the persona stated the line with such conviction that even though things would change from then on, the persona will still face the world with a courage obtained by choosing to be free. Just like in Idina Menzel’s Let It Go where it was stated “And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all, It's time to see what I can do”, in freeing ourselves from those mistakes that once controlled us, happiness will soon follow.

Coming second in the list is “The Tale of a Modern Sisyphus” that gave me hope that I would eventually look at failure as a part of the process and not a hindrance in becoming successful. Victory was what I always aimed for, causing my confidence to decrease whenever the result was otherwise. But then, defeat was not what would define a person. Instead, it was the will to stand up and try again just like the lines in the poem, “Not defined by her defeat, but of being gracious—Gracious to push the boulder up the mountain, And start once again like nothing happened.”. The same goes for a song that reminded me of this poem entitled Rise Up by Morissette Amon wherein the lyrics, “I'll rise unafraid, I'll rise up, And I'll do it a thousand times again”, conveyed the message that one should not be afraid of rising up after a loss.

O’ Yayi was the next poem in the anthology, and if there was one thing that I learned after reading the poem, it was that some people are not really for us to love. Because a fact about life that was hard to accept was that you can never fix someone by loving them everlastingly. No amount of love poured to a person will make them give it back to you. The last line that hit me the hardest, “If ever I run out of time here and reach the other side, whose arms would you run back again, mine or Dante’s?”, that showed the constant wondering of the persona if Yayi did ever love him or if all this time, he was only there to fill in the void Dante left behind. It reminded me of a song by Ben&Ben entitled Lifetime where one of the lines in the song went like this, “Was there a lifetime waiting for us, In a world where I was yours?”, and I thought that this line could be what was inside the persona’s mind even in his dying seconds. I have realized that sometimes, the only thing that we can do is to constantly wonder. That, maybe the next lifetime would finally be ours. 

What followed was the “Two Red Laces on the Wonderwall”, which showed how anyone can welcome you to their house, but not everyone can make you feel at home. It proved that once you experience the best, you can never settle with less ever again. And the lines in the poem, “Had a dose of fun before I die, And tried my luck with several men, But you felt like home, where I belong”, attested to what I previously stated as the persona described how she tried to be with anyone, but only one person can provide her comfort. The thought made me see the resemblance between the poem and the song by Angeline Quinto entitled Till I Met You, as one of the lines in the song, “I never knew what love was, 'Till I met you”, had the same meaning with the verse I quoted earlier. They both describe how one person was all what it took for them to change everything they knew about love. 

Fifth poem was entitled “Umbilical”, which depicted how the persona was hoping that her mother would be spared from death because she suffered enough just to give birth to the persona safely. A mother’s love really conquers everything just like what they say. From the womb to the stitch in the belly, a mother will really endure everything for their child. Because of the line, “Drained herself to save me from misery, Wrinkles, fragile bones, gaunt face in plain sight”, that showed how hard it was to give birth to a baby, it reminded me of a song that I sang on my Graduation day back when I was in elementary school entitled Thanks To You by Tyler Collins. The line in the song, “Thank you for teaching me how to love, Showing me what the world means”, was a line that can truly be said to our parents who always try to do their best for us. 

The next poem entitled “RE: Paper (I’m Red, IMRaD)*” was timely given that it tackled the incomplete preparation of the government when it comes to K to 12. The lack of readiness of the government for the said curriculum was shown through the quality of education provided by the schools around the country. Teachers were denied the quality that the government wished to give the students. And as a result, the quality of education the teachers can only give to their students is the quality they have access to. 

The lines in the poem, “Teachers must upskill on how to implement, These competencies for student development. Yet you couldn’t agree more to fix our alignment”, tugged at my heart because while it was true that the efficiency of K to 12 was not really at high, the higher ups do not pay attention to this fact. It reminded me of a song of Melanie Martinez entitled Wheels On The Bus as one of the lines in the song went like this “I know the driver sees it, I know he's peeking in the rearview mirror, He says nothing”, that in relation to the poem, the driver will play the role of the higher ups that attach little importance to the teachers’ ideas to give the students a high quality education.

Seventh poem was entitled “3 A.M. Awakening”, and it was about battling with your own thoughts. How one’s own mind can be the reason for one's destruction. And that no matter how much we tone down the voice inside our heads, sometimes they were so loud it was almost impossible to calm them down. The line in the poem, “Breathe as if it’s easy to do today, But I think much in a different way” that showed how the persona was barely surviving almost aligned with the meaning of the song that reminded me of the poem entitled Chandelier by Sia. This could be proved through a line in the song which was, “But I'm holding on for dear life, Won't look down, won't open my eyes”, that also depicted how it was hard to be your own anchor when the greatest enemy you have is yourself.

Next was the poem entitled “My Frail Lady” that was about the suicide of Evelyn McHale and it was dubbed as the most beautiful suicide. There was darkness and light, and on that day, darkness won. Sometimes, a person can appear as though she can hold everything together, but behind it was a person whose life was falling apart. The line “Such frail, frail lady, Bookkeeps her internal screams” showed how Evelyn tried to keep it all in, but eventually found her peace through death. This reminded me of the death of the lead vocalist of the band Linkin Park named Chester Bennington. They both died the same way, and in the song of the same band entitled In The End, the line “I kept everything inside and even though I tried, It all fell apart”, showed that they tried, but it just was not enough to stay. Even though Chester Bennington laughed hours before his death, and Evelyn McHale was about to marry her fiance, it was just not enough.

And we are down to the last poem entitled “Major Arcana” which talked about different cards that represented life lessons and karmic influences. Tarot cards that were interpreted by tarot readers were all over my social media just a few days ago. And honestly, even I sometimes place value to those readings that were for me according to the tarot reader I was watching. Most often than not, those readings govern our decisions and actions. When I read the line, “You...came to a place where nobody expected you to be with—...pulled my sheets, went inside, and silently gazed on—”, I took it as the persona going inside a fortune teller’s lair to have the latter read the former’s fate. This line reminded me of a song by Arcade Fire entitled Signs Of Life because the song was about pondering about life and what it meant for everyone as manifested in the following lines, “You think you invented life, You find it hard to define, But you do it every time, Then you do it again”. It goes to show that when life feels meaningless, we turn to the signs to find our purpose.

The anthology got me alternating my emotions between feeling hopeful to sorrowful to disappointed and every possible emotion that the poem can bring out of me. In conclusion, all of the poems revolved around life and how being confined with yourself provoked words to form and make sense with life. And how we turn to our pen and paper when there is no one to run to every time a problem arises. Because the beauty in our scars and the untold stories within them are the best legacy we can offer in the world.

[kcmews]

Heart Strong, Live Long

The heart knows what it needs and it needs treatment. In 1988, my grandmother was first diagnosed with a heart disease, specifically hypertensive heart disease. It was a devastating moment for her as she was an adventurous type of person and likes to wander around. She asked the heavens why it has to be her, but I guess bad things do not reserve themselves solely for bad people.

Constant high blood pressure happens to her, but she did not pay much attention to it. She will initially avoid the food that causes her high blood pressure, then consume it again after days of religiously staying away from it. My grandmother thought this scheme would forever work until it did not. Her early mornings consisted of a cup of tea, bacon strips, and a headache. Sometimes, it is severe, but usually, it is bearable according to her. 

Once become sometimes until it is often that she was hospitalized because of her condition. There was even a time that I had to go to the hospital where she was admitted an hour after my class. I would never consider her as bothersome, but at that time, I thought it would be more nice if I was visiting her inside their house where no medical apparatuses were surrounding her. After she got discharged, she started to take her medicines seriously, the same time I realized that the times I caught her massaging her chest was becoming frequent. 

It was often that my mom would hurry to go inside the room that I am sharing with my sister to inform us that she would be out for a while because she needs to rush our grandmother to the nearest hospital. Attempts to remember our last interaction have been made and honestly, the fear that rushes inside me every time is something I hoped I would never feel again. 

Frequently, she had to turn down offers from her colleagues and close friends because of her condition. My grandmother often finds herself short of breath and gets tired easily. With a visible gloom in her face, she would say it is okay and there would always be next time for her to go with them. She knows she should do what she has to do in order to maintain her stable health. All of us were hoping to see progress on her health, and I can see that she wants the same thing too. 

Now, she was able to avoid being hospitalized for a month now. Good news came and the doctor advised her to go back for a check-up once a month. Although it was recommended that she visits the clinic twice a month, it was only encouraged if the progress was somehow not maintained. But in general, she only visits the clinic once a month, so it was really great news for our family.

Everyone was happy to assist her in her maintenance. Prescribed with Vestar, 35mg, that should be taken two times a day. Twynsta, 18mg, to treat the symptoms of high blood pressure. Clopidogrel, 75mg, is used to prevent heart attacks and strokes. There are many other medicines that she was prescribed with, but the medicines I indicated are her priorities. My grandmother often asks my sister and I for a favor by buying her medicines for her and we would go to the nearest Watsons to buy it for her. Giving us extra money to treat ourselves is her thing too. 

Words might not be enough to describe how happy I was to see my grandmother going back to her usual self. We still remind her to be vigilant of the food she is taking as no one in the family wants those hospital trips to be repeated again. While she was cautious of what she eats, I know she still tries to enjoy things that she enjoys prior to being diagnosed with hypertensive heart disease. Life is hard when you have a disease that hinders you to do most things and pushes you to adapt even though you are against it, but really, prevention will always be better than cure.

[kcmews]

CAPTIVE: A Fashion Article

[kcmews]

On Faith, Sexuality, and Acceptance : A Reflection of Russell Mulcahy’s Prayers for Bobby

Religion has affected our lives in different ways. Sometimes in an inspiring way like a blind man miraculously having his chance to see the beauty of his surroundings after devoting his entire life praying to God. Or how God promised a woman that He would visit her, and proceed in taking over different forms of poverty-stricken people to see if the woman would accept them even if they looked far from what one could imagine as a God. But more often than not, it kills. Religion kills—literally or figuratively at that. Unfortunately, Bobby Griffith from a movie entitled, “Prayers for Bobby” that depicted the story of himself and how he ended his journey in life because of his mother’s homophobia. This is a story that shows us a different side of religion and how it heavily influences the moralities of an individual in the most cruel ways. 

Being devoted to something will not have negative connotations only if people know better than to impose their beliefs in hopes of persuading others. Things went south when Mary, Bobby’s mother, discovered that he is gay. Bobby’s life took a turn for the worse as his mother took him to a psychiatrist in order to change him, something that did not come out as a surprise considering that Mary is a devout christian. This evokes memories that I honestly do not want to remember, but cannot help but do so after watching the said scene. A memory of a girl sitting in the corner of a room that she shares with the person who told her secret to their mother, wondering why life has to look like it turned upside down after her mother found out about her sexual orientation. A memory of a girl who has to constantly ask herself why the mother has to act like her daughter was not existing just so the mother can punish her daughter for liking someone else’s daughter. A memory of a girl who got ignored by her mother for an entire week only to talk to her like nothing happened and proceed to bury their discovery a week ago in front of the family to maintain the illusion of grandeur. 

Church is a safe place for a secret, they say. But I never wanted to hide who I am. It is where I was told to confide in. My parents did not tell me, but I knew they hoped I would repent and apologize for considering being with someone I should not be with. In front of their eyes, at least. It was the same with Bobby as his mother continuously reminded him to pray harder than how he prays every night. He works hard for his parents’ approval that should not be begged for. But Bobby’s mental and emotional capacity have their own limit, and that is when the person who promised Bobby a life without prejudice towards them betrayed him. This time, it is honestly crazy how this movie is becoming more relatable for me.

When I was dealing with the aftermath of my parents’ discovery about my sexual orientation, I tried reasoning for my mother. That she was surely mad at me for being with someone at an early age, and not because I like a girl. Imagining a situation where my mother has a more pleasant reaction towards what she found out has been my escape for the entire week. Just like how Mary kept on associating things with his late son, Bobby, and doing things like how she did when Bobby was still living out of habit. 

There is no doubt that liking someone with the same sex was not wrong. But, maybe there was really something different with me. Could it be that this was just a phase? Maybe I was just infatuated and this would pass eventually. It did not. Days passed and I still feel the same and for some reason, it infuriates me. Like how Mary cited verses after verses in front of a reverend just to prove that she was right about Bobby's sexual orientation being wrong. It is already given that she was grieving, but I found it challenging to sympathize with her when she was the very reason why her son killed himself, and the fact that she cannot see the fact that she was in the wrong. 

Bargaining waves at my door in the form of silent pleas, wishing and hoping that all of it was just a bad dream. My mind was full of what ifs and what could have been only if my mother did not discover it. This is where Mary started to question herself and her beliefs which was actually great, but because this movie really felt like I was there too, it was hard to appreciate it. Repentance is always, always late. I cannot really consider myself as depressed, but I definitely felt hopelessness as days passed by with my mother ignoring me like I did a very wrong thing by liking a girl. I did not regret liking someone with the same sexual orientation as me, but sometimes, I wonder if things would be different had I only liked a boy. Maybe my mother would only scold me like what she did when she found out my sister has a boyfriend.

It was hard to think that life could drastically change just because I wanted to be myself. The movie really hits close to home as Bobby and I are similar in some ways. While watching it, several questions arise inside my mind. If liking the same gender was a sin, then why would He create those people who do? To cure them? To show that He was really a God? Time passed and just like Mary who now finally accepted Bobby and is now trying to live her life fighting for gay rights, I also accepted myself. There is nothing wrong with me, and there is no need to cure me like how Mary reiterated that God did not heal her son because there is nothing wrong with him. There is nothing wrong with being who you are, and I hope people realize this before it is too late.

[kcmews]

"New Normal, New Me"

With a smile plastered on my face, I closed my Mathematics book and whispered a simple prayer of gratitude for the suspension of classes. That was how I remember this part of my life starting. I just attended a friend’s birthday party and announcements of our final exams coming up everywhere was ruining the illusion of happiness I have. An extra week will be given, and while for others, it was to prepare for the coronavirus disease, for me, it was time to do anything except studying so my educational books were once again thrown at the corner of my room.

How I would spend my week was planned in accordance with what I considered that time was the most urgent thing I should do—sleep. To make up for the six days of comfort, the seventh day was allotted to study three major subjects with five lessons each. The real reason why everyone, including me, was stuck inside our own houses was not given too much attention. After all, just how many days can it steal from me?

730 days which is equivalent to two years. When the one week suspension was first extended, I was ecstatic. The second time, it was still fine. It was when my then school announced that our final exam was canceled ultimately that the word “suspension” started to make me feel an emotion other than happiness. What would happen now, then? What was with this virus and how serious was it that even our exam had to be canceled? 

News about the coronavirus disease soon occupied every tab of my laptop. Soon, my social media accounts were also flooded with posts about the symptoms and how the citizens can avoid acquiring the virus. It did not take too long before coughing way too hard will earn one a scrutinizing look from everybody. People started to fear visiting hospitals because no one wanted to risk being away from their families. 

For the first time, positivity was avoided while negativity was celebrated. Face masks were initially frowned upon, but now, people will frown at you when you do not have one. Numerous encouragement posts instantly lost its effect when hundred cases turned into thousands, and quarantine turned into complete lockdown. Hoarding groceries and essential items had become a thing.

Chaotic was how I can describe what ensued. In times like this, I can only rely on the government to handle this as they have further access to the resources needed to mount a response for the pandemic. But the leader who should lead the people and calm them down even admitted to the public that he did not know what to do. The lack of sense of urgency with the government’s responses enraged the people.

Multiple SONAs were spent repeating apologies for not knowing what to do in the midst of a pandemic. Instead of announcing protocols and restrictions, the government opted to cause distress to the public by constantly showing the lack of capacity to provide a proper response for the health crisis that was COVID-19. By doing this, the administration created a nation that feared the government more than the pandemic itself. 

Public expression of objection had never been louder in that time. People were showing their disappointment and disagreement with how the government managed the situation. A law called Anti-Terror Law had drawn the attention of the majority back when it was still passed as a bill. It was considered as the retaliation of the administration to the people who were merely asking for accountability. 

The power to define terrorism would be upon the state, and anyone who would be considered terrorists will be severely punished. Even a little hint of suspicion might be the end of someone’s life. The inadequate response of the government, but the urgency when it comes to silencing the public fueled a different type of anger within me. It was very evident that they would do anything to maintain their reputation even in the most cruel ways.

Time passed by and another school year approached and made me wonder when everything would be resolved and things would go back to the way it was before. Even anxious about what was ahead of me, I braced myself for what life would offer me. The adjusting phase was complicated as anxiousness almost always overpower me. Worrying whether my camera or microphone was turned on had been my constant problem.

As a person who found it hard forming a close bond with a stranger on the internet without meeting them first, adjusting phase was like a punishment. I had to ask my friends from other sections everytime I could not comprehend the lesson well. I even learned to blame myself for not being able to befriend my classmates. 

Moving up ceremony was nearing and my life as a junior high school student was about to end. I hate to acknowledge that it would end with me looking at the screen while trying my best to convince myself that everything still went fine. And even though I knew it was near impossible for my school to hold the event via face to face, a part of me still hoped for it. I was not given a chance to march on the stage and receive my medal as a junior high school student.

Not even a month had passed, but I had to process the fact that I was a senior high school student and a new environment was ahead of me again. The only perk of the online class was that I can wake up 10 minutes before the class, and I would still be on time. But the downside of it was very evident. It was hard to communicate with people when no part of me knew the right words. But I knew I had to try because I needed to step out of my comfort zone and meet new people.

It was always the first step that was hard. I encountered many hardships throughout my journey. The anxiousness, constant wondering whether it would still be like this next year, the awful feeling of being confined inside my house for a very long time, and academic problems all collided to form my greatest nightmare. I had that dreaded feeling I wanted the day to be over before I was even at my desk. 

Little by little, I started to look at myself and applaud her for surviving what she thought she could not endure. Understanding my emotions and feelings can be too much work sometimes, but it was not impossible. The truth is that no one would completely understand, but they are trying, and I needed that. Every word should be taken seriously because my previous attitude that thinks it will pass eventually if not minded was the reason why I initially did not take the pandemic seriously.

Before the pandemic happened, if someone told me what I would be like in two years, I would have laughed at them. I never thought that the pandemic would steal what little freedom I had prior to it. A gradual change in myself was observed and it was daunting to look back and witness everything changed around me.

Life is not meant to be black or white. It will always confuse us. Sometimes it is going to be on our side, and no matter how much we wish it would always stay that way, it would not. Sometimes, it would show us how merciless it can be, and we just have to love ourselves harder even when it feels like no one would. 

The world is strange, and my life would not be the same ever again after the pandemic. I would never be the person who knew nothing about how privilege works again, I would never be the person who dismisses things hoping that it would eventually pass again, and I might wear my mask forever, but no one would tell me that I could not create unforgettable memories with the now I have today. We might never come back to the old normal, and it was okay.  Someday, it will be fine.

[kcmews]

Archer's Tale

When can cheating be excused? When it saves life, she said.

Four years ago, Alectis woke up to a day that felt like anything but normal, and oddly enough, she did not question it. I teased her about it, concluding that maybe it was because her body was not used to being early for school. She entertained the joke, but her chuckles sounded unusual. Sensing the atmosphere, I stopped myself from dropping a remark about gifting her an alarm clock so she would know that she cannot arrive in the school on time if she leaves ten minutes before the start considering that she was coming from Santa Rosa, Laguna.

After preparing, she went to the terminal to board whatever vehicle was there as long as it can take her to her then school, Mater Ecclesiae, at the fastest way possible. Alectis was impatient, to say the least. It was her fault for being tardy, but of course, it was her story so it was the tricycle’s fault for not waiting for her.

“Ayoko roon, malapit na mapuno, e. Ang sikip kaya,” Alectis stated. Aside from being impatient, she was picky, too, I said. She argued that she was just carefully thinking about her well-being. 

Two tricycles came to her rescue, and even though the tricycle with purple as its dominating color was ahead than the tricycle that embodies the mixture of red and yellow, she perfectly knew where she had to be. Her fascination for the color orange started when she first watched the sunset and the sky was covered in what she might consider as Tigger’s territory, or maybe a place Velma Dinkley can enjoy, and a field where Garfield can sleep all day. 

The huge seemingly vertical infinity sign glaring at her through her phone told her she probably had to sign a late slip again. Realizing that she had a lot of time to waste, she did something that we both enjoy—playing mobile games. 

Everything was vague, according to her, and she was not sure if she remembered every single detail correctly. All she knew was that one minute, the driver was driving carefully and everything was fine, and then the next, the sound of squealing tires resonated in the whole place. 

Alectis was fine, alright, and she knew what happened was not something to be thankful for, but she cannot help but to be glad she did not ride the purple tricycle as it was the one who got into the minor accident. However, it was not still clear to her whether it was her fascination with her favorite color or her intuition controlling her decision that saved her life that day, but surely it was an unforgettable event for her and for everyone involved. Date not specified, but she remembered being excited for her birthday, and considering that it fell in the month of Christmas, I hovered around the last week of November.

Preferably a person that radiates a golden retriever energy, can get along well with others without much effort, and just someone who can tolerate her were enough points to pass her standards. Not much attention was given to physical appearance because personality over looks has always been her motto in finding her own prince charming. She can be a hopeless romantic sometimes, and it was not totally a bad look for her, I must say.

It did not come as a surprise that she loves being around cats even though her criteria for boys was the opposite. At the age of 9, she swore to herself that another year will not pass without her not owning a pet. The dream was fulfilled and for the past eight years, she has tried purring for different cats.

Whether it was a blue lemonade or a cucumber one, it completely depends on her mood. She denied being indecisive, but her constant questions about what color would look more fitting in her brown pants tell a different story. At this point, I was honestly thinking of chalking her entire personality up to her being a sagittarius.

Time will pass, and everything is bound to change. For the following year, maybe she would finally choose between blue lemonade and cucumber juice. Maybe she would see the beauty in purple someday. Maybe she would like a person who is the opposite of everything she wanted in a boy. Her answers may not be the same with what will come out of her lips years from now. But for today, this is the story she has to tell.