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Halloween was a blast with my son. While it's technically his second Halloween, it's his first home since last year he spent it in the NICU.

It's a good thing he had a two hour nap at daycare, because we had a busy day after daycare.

We dressed up, went trick-or-treating with our neighbors, and even went to the library for a special treat, and went to a party one of the neighbors put on for the littles.

Every day I am grateful.

update on the duck army...

We have 85 ducks now including a giant duck who is the general of the army.

There's a handful with no holes who are bath time ducks. A handful for car rides. Some are in our travel bag so he can play with them at grandparents homes. The remaining are split between his play pen and his room. We use them a ton for play, physical therapy tasks, and teaching colors and numbers.

Still mostly crawling, not walking unassisted yet. But once he can, I'm going to hide them in various places when we play so he can fun exploring.

Majority of these ducks we didn't even buy. I told family about the future duck army so at his birthday party many people brought different types of ducks for him. My brother in law also had 100 rubber ducks at home so one day when my son is older perhaps they can have a battle of duck armies lol

I am building a duck army for my son. He likes rubber ducks and sometimes rubber ducks are the only motivator for him doing a task for his physical therapy tasks.

I currently have 38 rubber ducks. No two are the same. Some are mini ducks. Some are huge. His birthday is coming up and I know some people bought him ducks too, because i told them when in doubt buy him ducks.

It's silly, but fun. :)

It is wild to realize that in less than 30 days is my son's first birthday.

A lot has happened since then. Both good and bad.

the bad or should I say the rough: A few days after he arrived home from the extended NICU stay, I had my appendix become necrotic and rupture. I spent some time in the hospital due to complications which mentally changed me. I just wanted to be home with my baby so that time apart messed me up. And then I finally was home but not really able to pick him up both from the fact I was recovering from abdominal surgery but also was on some pretty heavy drugs to combat the infection. I'm pretty independent so having my support system take shifts to watch me and take care of my son was a mental and physical struggle. I did seek help though. I spoke to my doctor and therapist and we created a care plan for me for the PPA I was diagnosed with. While I have a history with anxiety disorders, I honestly believe I would not have developed the PPA if I had not had that near-death experience. I am much better though and appreciate the care that my team of professionals gave me when I was at my most vulnerable.

Also as far as the extended NICU stay, I'm grateful for the team completely. They took care of my precious son when he so little and were always so caring to both of us. The made that 2 month stay bearable and I never doubted he was in good hands when I left each day. He did arrive really early but truthfully due to some stuff with me, we knew he would most likely come early. My doctor has experience with rare issue I have and explained that of all the people she knew of with it.. none made it full term. Some as early as 26 weeks. Some as late as 35. So I was closely monitored the entire 3rd trimester and am grateful I was able to go as far as I did before the PPROM happened.

The good: I spent til end of Jan. with him then I went back to work and my husband spent his 3 months with him before we were both back to work. Now, he is in daycare for part of the week and watched by his grandpa (my father in law) for part of the week. I am so grateful to my FIL to volunteer to watch him so we don't have to pay so much in daycare AND with how much he adores my son. I didn't really have grandparents growing up --my maternal ones loved my siblings and I but died when I was extremely young so I have no memories while my paternal ones were alive but....yeah.....never met them except at funerals and the one time I ever spoke to my father's mother on the phone she told me I was going to go to hell (I WAS 12!!) so yeah, never knew them thankfully. He is always so excited to grandpa. And when we go to family parties, many of my in-laws have to fight to hold my son because his grandpa ""hogs the baby"". Even though my son is one of 11 grandchildren, it's nice to have such a large family love and spoil him. And his older cousins LOVE to look at him and always want to share toys / squishmallows with him.

He is growing so big and strong! My tiny but mighty little 3lb baby is now 20lbs and 30in long. He had 6 teeth (top canine, top front teeth, bottom front teeth). He LOVES food. He can crawl and sorta walk --if he is holding onto something. He can climb stairs. He can say several words but his most common and favorite to say is Baba, Mama, Dada, and popop. He loves rubber ducks and the dogs -- who LOVE him and protect him a ton. He is big on smiling. He never cries in public so we get compliments from strangers all the time -- so many grocery trips end with people playing peekaboo with him in line. He got baptized and never cried during that. He is very sweet. Sometimes he sleeps through the night, sometimes he doesn't (like.... new teeth, or the one ear infection he had). We had a blast this summer going to see family, going to museums, the park, just experiencing fun stuff that broaden his world. He is such a good baby and he has my whole heart. <3

Baby is home :)

free-my-mindd

medinaquirin

The "if you voted for Trump unfollow me" posts are returning, but given then general makeup of your average tumblr user I think there's a different message I'd like to give.

If you didn't vote because "both parties are the same" or "it won't make a difference" or because Kamala wasn't the pure and perfect leader that you wanted or you "didn't want blood on your hands", honestly whether or not you follow me doesn't make a damned bit of difference. But I want you to look. Take a good look at the despair around you right now. And every godforsaken thing that follows I want you to fucking look. Look and know that you could have helped prevent it. We still haven't recovered from his last four years, the world hasn't fucking recovered, and now we're staring down the barrel of god knows how many more years and a river of fucking blood to come along with it.

But your pride and your principles were more important to you than the actual real fucking world we live in.

I hope, if nothing else, that you can take this in. I hope you learn. I hope you grow. I hope you find it in you to realize that in this country they soak our hands in blood the second we take our first breath and the only thing that matters then is what you fucking do with them. What you fight for. Who you fight for. Who you defend.

I hope you wake up. And you step up. And you fucking fight.

But until then. Don't you fucking dare look away.

Weltschmerz.

#that's how i am feeling #i've just been snuggling my son in the nicu til i feel something else

typelikeagirl

serenityquest

Been very busy.

My son was born.

❤️

He arrived 6 weeks early but is doing well in the NICU

31 weeks. Less than 9 left to go.

❤️

We did our maternity photoshoot yesterday with a very near and dear, trusted photographer we know.

My new students barely know me but are pretty excited and try to ask me a million questions. lol

My students from last year who saw me recently are shocked/happy. One even went "YOU WERE TELLING THE TRUTH! He is REAL!" and I was like ??? Did you think I lied? lol

Nursery is painted and halfway done. Got a bassinet for our room, crib exists but isnt put together, dresser and changing table are set up and have clothes packed in them, curtains and shelves are arriving.

My baby shower is in a few weeks and my friends and family are beyond excited. Some ask near-daily updates to see how I'm doing.

Did a bunch of baby, labor, pregnancy, baby care classes over the summer.

He is much more active now and each kick settles any anxiety I have.

remanence-of-love

personal and long life update

I feel comfortable to say this now. This is going to start sad but get better.

TW: miscarriage

Two years ago was the worst summer of my life. I was excited and happy as school ended because my spouse and I found out we were expecting a child right before the end of the year. We initially didn't tell anyone, was going to wait. But then I started to have issues and I talked to my mom about it and my fears that something was wrong. My mom ended up letting me know she was having health issues and they found a mass. And on the same day my mom was diagnosed with cancer I miscarried. I will never forget crying and telling her on the phone and her sighing sadly and saying she had hoped one of us would have good news. I was traumatized. I felt betrayed by my body. I felt betrayed by the universe. I felt like a failure. I felt like it was my fault while knowing it wasn't. I lost a lot of faith in things. I was angry and grieving. I was terrified I was going to lose my mom like I lost my child. And then one of my siblings was in a major car accident (they're fine now but it was really scary and I thought I'd lose them too) and our beloved bearded dragon died. Loss was all around me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even say the word miscarriage for a whole year. Therapy was extensive on it among other traumas. And one thing that also sticks out from that summer is "Running Up that Hill" was popular cause Stranger things aired its new season. I broke down any time that song came down because of the line "I'd make a deal with God and I'd get him to swap our places" made me thing about my mom and my lost child. I told family members. We previously were having pressure from family members on children and the LAST thing I needed was someone asking me for the millionth time when I was going to have kids. Fortunately family was understanding and backed off on the topic. My one sister was pregnant at the time too and we bonded over the fact this was her rainbow child, something she had not shared with any family member and I was able to go to her for support that other family couldn't provide as they never experienced this. Another thing from that summer is disassociating because I love my sister, I was excited for her and her baby, but the topic was very raw for me. I know I attended her baby shower but all of it was blur. And the final thing from that summer / year was I was also obsessed with trying again and "getting it right this time" because I didn't want to face reality or the grief I was having, and honestly...every failed month was also extremely triggering (for reasons I hope are obvious enough for me not to say) so I'd spiral again. It's taken a lot for me to be where I am now.

Since that summer, we got a second dog. Trained our first dog so she is officially a therapy dog. We both were in therapy - individual and couples. We strengthened our marriage. My mom beat chemo and radiation. Currently, she does not have cancer. Discovered I have a medical anomaly, and learned it doesn't stop me from successfully having kids but I could have a trickier time getting there as there were other complications it brought into my life. (Which honestly discovering this, and that it was something I was born with, answered SO MANY questions). We worked out together and made healthy meals together. We stopped obsessively TTC and just focused on us, loving our life as is, and healing. We discussed in January of this year about seeing a specialist and possibly starting fertility treatments in the summer if we felt we were in a good enough place for that. It was a very good, chill and no pressure conservation. In Feb. was the anniversary of would have been due date and therapy, coping skills from therapy, and planned activities helped a lot of with my mental health that day. And then in March, after my dogs were acting weird about me and I was feeling off as well, I discovered I am pregnant. Sure some anxiety immediately spiked but I am doing okay. I think if this would have happened sooner I'd have not been okay mentally due to the anxiety of the past repeating, but I've worked on a lot of trauma from that awful summer and I decided I would celebrate every second of this and if its a shorter journey than I hoped, so be it. I did have an emergency session in therapy during the week of pregnancy that was the one I miscarried at previously since I couldn't quite shake the nerves then. However, this time and last are night and day. All tests and appointments have come back healthy. Symptoms are what they should be. Everything is looking good and I am thankful. I am filled with gratitude. I have a good feeling. My family and my spouse's family are excited, who we told in April as I learned I'd rather lean on people for support if I needed it than grieve or celebrate in silence. My students and co-workers just before the end of the year realized I was pregnant and both set of people were very excited for me. My students created a lot of cards for me. We are excited. I am halfway through the pregnancy. I have seen him (through ultrasounds). I've heard his heartbeat, and am so thankful that it is so strong. And I've felt him kick just now. I am at peace.

rumpledcrow

It's dangerous to go alone, take this.

Healing potions ✨

(image description in alt)

I had the weirdest moment in therapy.

We did this healing inner child meditation instead of talking therapy.

And I...I don't really know what happened.

They have a meditation room so I got to pick out which blankets, mats, pillows, etc. I wanted to make myself comfortable. I made my little nest, nestled in. She played the video and took notes. And I remember very clearly the breathing exercise, the video saying words but not being able to latch onto what they were saying (I could hear the lady speaking but I could not pay attention to the words, it was like sand slipping through my fingers, just noise around me), every now and then I'd feel a jolt in my body and I felt one jolt that actually had me turn my head but NOT know why I was doing that, and then became conscious of the words she was saying when it was some breathing to bring me back to the present and here and now. I kept telling her I know I was awake. I was here and conscious for this entire 45 minute meditation, but that I have no idea what happened or what was said. I know I felt very warm, safe, and like I was floating through time and space and kept thinking this feels nice.

I have no one idea what we actually did or said in the meditation. According to my therapist when the video said "They can't hurt you anymore" my right leg kicked out and I showed signs of a trauma release. When the video said I was safe now, I kicked out again. When it said it wasn't my fault, I kicked again. And when it said to look at my 6 year old self, my breathing became very shallow, jagged, my body tensed up and she saw my jaw clench hard, and I turned my head away like I did not want to do that. When it said to say kind things to my 6 year old self and thank her, the tension started melting off me. And when it said to put my 6 year old self to bed, I turned my face back and started to breath so deeply that it was audible. She was actually wondering if I fell asleep.

She and I discussed trauma releases. Discussed this meditation spoke to my subconscious and brought that forth so I need to be gentle with myself for the next few days. We processed a bit. She asked how I felt, I said "I don't have the words for it. Peaceful is not the word, but it is in its family." I described the situation feeling like my soul was removed from my body, a stain on it was cleaned off, and then it was put back into my body. Then it was time to go and I rolled out of the nest and stretched like a cat. And then suddenly felt so....heavy? solid? I went from weightless to now in solid form. Walking felt weird. Putting on my shoes felt weird. The walls and floor felt so much more solid than they did before. I was a little dazed leaving. Slept like a log when I got home.

prettyboykatsuki-moved

i have been crying for like 20 minutes about the sincerity of art and the act of creation like ohhh my god

prettyboykatsuki-moved

you are six years old learning about poems and you think about the first time you saw your father cry so you write about the rain. you are eleven facing the trauma of adolescence so you draw mermaids. you are fifteen and you fall in love for the first time and make a clay sculpture in art class for them even though you're unsure they’ll ever receive it. you are twenty and thirty and fourty and you are learning a different type of grief every year so you pick a pen or a brush or a flute and you make something because it's all you can do. my grandmother makes quilts out of my old baby clothes despite not knowing her own birthday. art and love and creation exist on the same line.

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