occasionally subtle
Stranger Things
d e v o n
Misplaced Lens Cap
blake kathryn
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we're not kids anymore.
Product Placement
Show & Tell
trying on a metaphor
gracie abrams
Noah Kahan
bliss lane
pixel skylines
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
ojovivo
shark vs the universe
noise dept.
Xuebing Du
Love Begins
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@kd-aicilef
wanna hang out [remembers it's rude to put expectations on people] it's cool if not [remembers people like to know they're wanted] but I'd really like it if you did [remembers selfishness is bad] we can do whatever you want though [remembers that handing someone a blank canvas isn't as effective as providing a suggestion to bounce ideas off of] like sucking each others fingers for example
shipping a consensual, safe & sane pairing all the while i'm shaking my head in disapproval so the audience knows i still love wildly toxic abusive fictional dynamics
Calling this blog a depression blog and make it depression themed really makes it kinda weird to even post here when I'm out of my severely depressed state of mind. I hate this blog now kinda
K I'm unhappy today like literally within 24 hrs making this post or something. This is probably temporary tho cuz I got dumped too much late night relationship problems discussion from my mom. I need to get happy soon so I can go back to drawing stuff
Calling this blog a depression blog and make it depression themed really makes it kinda weird to even post here when I'm out of my severely depressed state of mind. I hate this blog now kinda
there's like a thousand ways for a shower to work and you wouldn't even imagine half of them until you have to take a shower at a new place
me standing in a bucket using a measuring cup pouring water on myself
Anyway. Just activated my ao3 account and have no idea what pic for the pfp
Although I'm not even gonna write anything in any foreseeable near future... (← sighing and hating myself) but anyway I really don't know what should I use for pfp.
Have to post this post here instead of qzone bcs I just read a post early this month that if they have evidence for you having an ao3 account they can report you for using vpn
Just had this random idea. Up side down Felicia. Hehe (sounds like it would look horrendous in execution...)
Oh wait a min, this lets me make multiple pseuds with diff pfps. So I can just post diff themes under diff ones and use diff pfps accordingly?? Is that necessary though
This does look so funny though lol
Anyway. Just activated my ao3 account and have no idea what pic for the pfp
Although I'm not even gonna write anything in any foreseeable near future... (← sighing and hating myself) but anyway I really don't know what should I use for pfp.
Have to post this post here instead of qzone bcs I just read a post early this month that if they have evidence for you having an ao3 account they can report you for using vpn
Just had this random idea. Up side down Felicia. Hehe (sounds like it would look horrendous in execution...)
aro culture is listening to love songs for the aesthetic/because they're the mainstream and realizing much later in life the lyrics were supposed to be relatable
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For my whole life I've been like, relating all love/break up songs to my history of disaster fumbled friendships
Aroace culture is liking ships, but then realizing you fundamentally don’t understand these ships the same way that allos do.
I’m so down for shipping characters as in they love and care about each other and have such a deep and profound devotion to each other and would be there for each other for as long as they can be, and it would hurt terribly and have irrevocably life-altering consequences if they were ripped away from each other, but a lot of allos seem to think that shipping just means kiss kiss and bang bang (which I do not want the characters to do)
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Me: aw I ship these two characters cuz they are so important to each other / have such an interesting dynamic
Fellow shippers: there's no platonic explanation of this, they must be so devoted cuz they are in love, they are definitely flirting with each other and had sex
Me: why (slightly uncomfortable)
undiagnosed autistic people will be like "I don't get upset when my routine changes though!!" and it's because they've built a set of if-then loops in their head to pick from one of 6 different strict routines and they do get incredibly upset when they're unable to keep to any of the 6 scripts. I'm john normal
Honestly I came out to have one of several pre-scripted good times and I’m feeling very attacked right now
Me saying "I don't get upset with routine changes" on my screening questionnaire
Then I get annoyed when I'm preparing dog food and someone throw the empty packages for me in the middle of the process, so in the end I'd have to throw the other half of the garbage in a different way ☹️ (I cut open a package of wet food and empty the package and then put the cut out part of the package into the empty package, but if my mom is around she throws the cut off part when I'm still emptying the package, and then I'll have to throw the empty package in the bin separately)
But I mean I only started noticing a lot of patterns of me getting annoyed recently, probably bcs I'm depressed and spending too much time alone, and usually I probably don't remember it bcs the adhd part of my brain doesn't retain detailed unhappy memories (and cause me to forget a lot of symptoms)
aroace culture is shipping the hell out of two characters but lowkey hoping they never actually kiss because it. just wouldn't work for them you know? they just don't seem like kissing people
aroace culture is also getting a little grumpy at the rest of the fandom because its a popular ship and everyone wants them to kiss and you're just like "no >:("
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Secretly visioning my new hyperfixation ship to be qpr while they happen to be the fandom's most popular ship... Lol
I heavily distrust tags like #actually autistic and #actually adhd because it makes you sound like a cop whose looking to arrest anyone without a diagnosis from a doctor in the anglosphere.
Oh I'm not even medically diagnosed yet, I just use this tag bcs it feels self affirming, and also just sounds more like a vocal stim. Like I just randomly say "actually" in my sentences as a emphasis enhancer
I also probably unconsciously read it as "actually, (being) audhd is like..." That kind of tone
we need a surgery that removes you from your body
Unofficial Autism Post
YES
Of course I don't want to be grouped with something I actively think badly of and want to make an effort to improve from, but, I'm not good enough to declare that I'm not bad. If people operates with binary grouping, then I'll be sad to be grouped to the trashier side, but I physically can't lie to myself and believe I'm good enough to be grouped into the good group. I mean, we all know binary judgements are lazy, but I gotta understand it's human nature to go with heuristics. So what choice do I have? It's more honest to agree and hate myself
But I mean binaries are usually not 50% 0 50% 1. People's "good vs. bad" binary grouping is that if you are not 100% good then you are bad
How does this even matter when I'm gonna die sooner or later anyway? I just want to do a fair work if I do the work. Which means I'll probably never do anything, but if I do them I want to do them right. That's why I still have a problem with me being not capable to do things well enough. Still, no one is gonna help me, and my brain is not really in my control. You cannot just willpower improvements
Actually it's kinda inherently ablist when I say "I'm not able to do this" and they be like "that makes you a bad person!!" But I don't want to pull out more buzz words. Where would endless accusations with jargon buzz words lead to anyway? That's just pattern matching. U know, bcs I have this and that identity and I can now accuse attacks at me as some kind of a more malicious behaviour on a grander scale. No actually that's kinda stupid. It's also stupid that people will take the same behaviour more seriously if you point out it has some kind of a grander association. A side of human instincts is inherently unaccepting. But it's human instinct to quick jump to assumptions and attack perceived differences.
Making fun of people being hypocritical is actually just also adding unnecessary stress onto attempts of being moral. But different sides of this argument are just trying in their own ways. It's probably not gonna be anything productive to me to try to understand everyone, it's only gonna restrict me further from expressing my own stands. However I can't just pretend I don't understand something when I do. I'm just here keep torturing myself bcs that's kinda the only one I can still hate even when I do understand where I came from.
If anyone is concerned of how I treat women in my life irl, I'm certainly kinda cruel to myself, thank u for your concern I guess. However nothing is gonna change and I'm probably gonna keep torturing myself. However it's inherently stupid when you want to accuse anyone of being misogynistic (to fictional characters especially) you immediately pull out the "I feel sorry for the real women in your life" girl I believe I know my mom more than you do. No hate toward yoy though. You are being very passionate and that's a good thing. Just also based on some really dumb logics.
I mean seeing myself so troubled by understanding of human nature, you'd almost wish I never studied psych and introspected as a hobby for half a decade and figured out so many mental health things or thought pattern things in general related to myself. And I can just not understand where everyone came from and can just attack others with blind rage 🔥. That does sound dumb (and exhausting) and I don't want to be ignorant and projecting all the time, but rationalization is just one other way suppressing emotions. Rationalization is not my loving caring mentor figure either, it's more like that idolized master teacher who slaps me with a steel ruler everyday and I'm supposed to have 100% respect for them and be grateful in letting them shower me with their wisdoms
Of course I don't want to be grouped with something I actively think badly of and want to make an effort to improve from, but, I'm not good enough to declare that I'm not bad. If people operates with binary grouping, then I'll be sad to be grouped to the trashier side, but I physically can't lie to myself and believe I'm good enough to be grouped into the good group. I mean, we all know binary judgements are lazy, but I gotta understand it's human nature to go with heuristics. So what choice do I have? It's more honest to agree and hate myself
But I mean binaries are usually not 50% 0 50% 1. People's "good vs. bad" binary grouping is that if you are not 100% good then you are bad
How does this even matter when I'm gonna die sooner or later anyway? I just want to do a fair work if I do the work. Which means I'll probably never do anything, but if I do them I want to do them right. That's why I still have a problem with me being not capable to do things well enough. Still, no one is gonna help me, and my brain is not really in my control. You cannot just willpower improvements
Actually it's kinda inherently ablist when I say "I'm not able to do this" and they be like "that makes you a bad person!!" But I don't want to pull out more buzz words. Where would endless accusations with jargon buzz words lead to anyway? That's just pattern matching. U know, bcs I have this and that identity and I can now accuse attacks at me as some kind of a more malicious behaviour on a grander scale. No actually that's kinda stupid. It's also stupid that people will take the same behaviour more seriously if you point out it has some kind of a grander association. A side of human instincts is inherently unaccepting. But it's human instinct to quick jump to assumptions and attack perceived differences.
Making fun of people being hypocritical is actually just also adding unnecessary stress onto attempts of being moral. But different sides of this argument are just trying in their own ways. It's probably not gonna be anything productive to me to try to understand everyone, it's only gonna restrict me further from expressing my own stands. However I can't just pretend I don't understand something when I do. I'm just here keep torturing myself bcs that's kinda the only one I can still hate even when I do understand where I came from.
If anyone is concerned of how I treat women in my life irl, I'm certainly kinda cruel to myself, thank u for your concern I guess. However nothing is gonna change and I'm probably gonna keep torturing myself. However it's inherently stupid when you want to accuse anyone of being misogynistic (to fictional characters especially) you immediately pull out the "I feel sorry for the real women in your life" girl I believe I know my mom more than you do. No hate toward yoy though. You are being very passionate and that's a good thing. Just also based on some really dumb logics.
Of course I don't want to be grouped with something I actively think badly of and want to make an effort to improve from, but, I'm not good enough to declare that I'm not bad. If people operates with binary grouping, then I'll be sad to be grouped to the trashier side, but I physically can't lie to myself and believe I'm good enough to be grouped into the good group. I mean, we all know binary judgements are lazy, but I gotta understand it's human nature to go with heuristics. So what choice do I have? It's more honest to agree and hate myself
But I mean binaries are usually not 50% 0 50% 1. People's "good vs. bad" binary grouping is that if you are not 100% good then you are bad
How does this even matter when I'm gonna die sooner or later anyway? I just want to do a fair work if I do the work. Which means I'll probably never do anything, but if I do them I want to do them right. That's why I still have a problem with me being not capable to do things well enough. Still, no one is gonna help me, and my brain is not really in my control. You cannot just willpower improvements
IDK if this is aroace culture or just me and if I'm wrong but does anybody else get unnaturally pissed when you see the romantic version of a platonic relationship that's really important to you because its more integral to the narrative than the canon romantic relationship, showing that platonic relationships can have the same depth and importance if not more than romance???
and then seeing people say "well, he sacrificed the most important part of himself for him, that's got to be romantic they can't be JUST friends or JUST brothers" what do you MEAN just. would you not do that for your sibling??? your lifelong family, your best friends??? does kissing someone immediately make them more valuable than someone who's spent their entire life by your side? isn't it enough for someone to live through the same horrors as you for you to love them??? must you find their face pretty??? A NEVER stares into B's eyes or thinks about kissing him but he says I can't imagine growing up without B, he's a part of me, I just want him to be happy.
and i feel stupid because i feel like i sound like those annoying people who are like "can't you let two men be just friends???" but that's my POINT. they're NOT just friends, they're FRIENDS THEY'RE BONDED what they have now is more important than anything romance could add to it. romance is not less or more than platonic love, it's literally a different flavor but you guys act like it has MORE VALUE- this has gone on too long. but anyways i've never been able to say this to anyone else so thank you for listening to my rant :')
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I know, it's so strange, I mean I ship a lot of those ships too (especially bcs I shipped them in my early years when I haven't figured out I was aro yet), but to think about it it's so strange, if you have this grand love, intense emotional attachment, trauma bond, codependent relationship, or whatever else important emotional connection to a person, then you must also be romantically attracted to then?? Like, that's like two unrelated things. That's so unnecessary. A bit disruptive even, bcs we are talking about this intense, determined, melancholic attachment and obsession, and suddenly they just also want to kiss?? That's like so emotional whiplash and unnecessary. Is that really necessary?
Recently I went back to a ship I consumed a lot years ago, and back then I already felt the romantic narrative felt kinda extra, and this time this feeling only grew stronger, probably bcs I started identifying as aro. Like, you guys are already extremely trauma bonded, and that's so good, I don't get why you guys have to also develop a crush on each other, especially around when the traumatic events happened? Yeah they were traumatic and you guys left a huge influence on each other alright but who would have the capacity to be like "wow, this is so catastrophically traumatic, and from now on I forever idealize and idolize this person's legacy and ruminate extreme self-hate for it, but yeah also anyway I also fantasize about kissing them now" I mean maybe that can happen too, but if that happens it would be another layer of trauma response, and it's so emotional whiplash when it's like just slapped a layer of romcom onto super traumatic origin stories and call them where our love started.
But yeah I grew up in shipping culture and used to be the No. 1 defender against the arguments like "why can't they just be friends" bcs those arguments are usually used to shame shippers away from exploring relationships between characters and shun and trivialize the discussion about the connections between characters. Only in recent years I started to find the default romantic narrative in shipping is also extremely limiting and it's like people only consider a relationship important enough to discuss and analyze when it's romantic. But I don't have words argue for it or I'd sound exactly like those people who were unaccepting of shipping culture in the first place.
