There's been something sitting heavy on my mind since last night, and I really need to write about it.
I can't do this anymore. A face that has turned my blood so sulfuric, I'm disgusted with myself on such a low level. Hating on other groups of people just because they're not like me, it's incredibly toxic and I can't keep going on pretending that it's okay or justified. I can't keep attacking an abstract class of people and acting like it doesn't affect individuals, because it very much does. Every inheritor is affected by how we define that class.
When I see a change I want to try on myself, I go all out in adopting it. During that "trial period", different ideas and behaviours will resonate with my core self, and these are what it considers positive, meaningful changes worth keeping. Sometimes though, there's actions or thoughts that conflict with it, and those are let go once I'm done trying on a face. The core self is able to observe the interactions and feelings of the face, and chooses what to take in while remaining emotionally detached to maintain integrity.
The latest face was one that held contempt for privileged majorities that are counterpoints to minorities I belong to. This would be people who are neurotypical, cisgendered, and heterosexual. At first, it felt really good and empowering to hate all those people whom I perceived were causing me so much anxiety and self-loathing. And then slowly, my opinions about people whom fell into these categories started to become coloured red and corrupt with this hate. I was starting to make snap judgments, thinking about what a terrible person someone was before I knew a lick about them. My core self was panicking badly, but I kept telling myself it would smooth out, that I'd realise the reason behind why someone would take this in.
Then, I had a conversation last night and something snapped inside of me. Someone asked me if I thought neurotypicals were the worst, and I just stopped and thought about every single person in my life who fell into that category. Every single person. Not as a whole class of people, but as individuals I've connected with that just so happened to be unified under a label. People who've helped me despite my differences, taught me important lessons, and been supportive of me no matter what I've gone through. Are all those people terrible solely because of their cognitive ability?
One could argue that it's hyperbole, that it's not meant to apply to everyone. We've all heard similar statements in different situations, e.g., racism; sexism; and ableism. We minorities have experienced that before, that feeling when someone makes a sweeping generalisation about a group we belong to. That is very much a human feeling, not exclusive to those of us who are oppressed. To say that those words cannot hurt someone because of their privilege, that's denying them the right to feel human emotions. Straight-up dehumanisation. You are declaring that someone cannot feel a perfectly human reaction because society as a whole, not necessarily the person themselves, puts them on a pedestal.
Do you realise how fucked up that sounds? Say it aloud: "you can't feel bad because of how society feels about you". THAT IS INSANELY FUCKED UP. That a person is NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD ABOUT BEING DEHUMANISED because some fucking OLD, RICH WHITE CISHET MEN whom dictate who we're supposed to prioritise through an absurd number of avenues that spread PROPAGANDA THAT CELEBRATES THEIR OWN TRAITS???
We are so fixated on what we can readily see that we don't dig through the layers and look at the real causes of the issues. We are affected by the LEARNED BEHAVIOURS of others, not by things like their gender, their skin color, or who they have sex with. Do things like that determine what you're most likely to be exposed to? Absolutely! But does it have any biological significance in determining how much of a shitbag you'll grow up to be? HELL THE FUCK NO.
Sorry if any of this is confusing, I'm just pouring out my thoughts at this point and trying to word them the best I can. If anyone wants anything clarified, please ask and I'll try to answer.
These are my personal opinions, and I do not expect anyone to adopt them outright; I want you all to form your own. This is being created solely for documentation of my own experience, for anyone who wants to learn about my viewpoint, and for it to be objectively critiqued. I think it's important we step back every once in a while and reevaluate ourselves, sometimes with the help of others. I'm sorry to anyone whom I may have hurt in this "experiment" (feel free to tear me a new one if you like), and I hope there's someone somewhere who can take something positive away from all this.
Remember, learning who you're not is just as important as learning who you are.
Bless you all and never stop growing.
P.S. If I don't respond right away, it's probably because I'm recharging. This was really mentally exhausting and I'm feeling somewhat ill today.